When I was a child, it never crossed my mind that I would ever be a "housewife"... mostly because I had dreams of becoming an artist, and had no intentions of having a family. I strove to be more, and got through college with high hopes. My dreams weren't all realized, even to this day. I struggled to find work that paid a living wage, and still do. I think, because of what I have under my belt, what I can do and what I can't, I've been left behind in a field of younger artists who have more skill in the areas that I never wanted to get into. Now, companies all want people like me who can "do it all" - who can create websites, maintain social media platforms, as well as create quality designs for print. I realize now, as I've been doing this for 20+ years, that print is indeed a dying art form. I also have lagged in my interest and fortitude in the latest and greatest ways for companies to be seen and heard. I am what they may call a dinosaur in the industry... and that hurts my soul.
I can say that, since I lost my full time job, I have gotten lost in the sea of designers and all that it takes to be a good one. I can say I'm good at what I do, but that doesn't go nearly as far as it used to. I've started doing logos, and have been somewhat successful in the things I've created, but that's not enough. I would love to be on top of my game, and in demand. I am so not in demand. I thought in October that I had several new leads and projects that would sustain me for a while, but things get in the way. Things have been "put on hold" more than once... I've been duped by a church who said they wanted me to do their weekly work. No work from them in nearly a year. It happens. I'm not the only one... I know it. It doesn't sting any less because I'm not alone.
My partner in life has been one of the biggest inspirations to me - he works so hard, and has gained so much ground in his field. He's in demand - his company sees him as a very valuable asset. I admire that, and I want that for myself... I envy him, and sometimes that's not a good thing. He's successful - bright - inspired - wise - and thoughtful. He can massage clients and business people like nobody else I know. He's got a gift... and I'm so proud of him. So proud, and so jealous...
What does the Lord have for me? I sit and wait. This doesn't feel good - sitting. And waiting. I want to be more. I'm the keeper of the house. The caretaker of issues, troubles and needs. I work hard when I can, painting, filling, sanding, scraping, decorating, loving and caring for what I live in and live around. I can't ask for more in life - I'm blessed, really. But there are days, like today, where I wonder if I wasn't meant for something more. I didn't want to be a ditch digger in this life, but the Lord leads, and He is the one who opens and closes the doors. I've knocked on so many doors, hoping they'd open... only to be turned away. It stings... I won't lie.
Maybe I'm made for "artistic" things, like "etsy" - I have friends who are making strides on that site. Mom wants to work together selling goods she finds for cheap on ebay. I can do that. I just feel as though it's what I WANT to do. I'm conflicted.
Please pray for me as I struggle through who I am and what I'm worth. I covet your prayers.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
There's a time in my life - often - when I can't express what I have in my heart. I need to, in the midst of the days I live through. I want to express myself. I'm a right brained artist who feels compelled to tell the world - how ever small the world is that I impact - the feelings that embrace me on a daily basis. I pray before I write every time so that my words may be acceptable to God. I trust He is doing that now.
This time of year is difficult for mentally compromised people. People who live day in and day out with the struggle of believing that who they are matters in the world. We are a large community of individuals who unfortunately succumb to the realities of daily life in the struggle to be "normal." I know many of who I know and love see it in me, and I'm not so inclined to tell you that I'm okay with that. Hiding is a familiar situation to me. Hiding my feelings, even with the people who are closest to me, is essential. I can't impact them any more than I already have... I don't want to. But, the reality is, I feel so much more than you realize. Mental illness fluctuates with the tides. The hormonal issues of female victims, the daily lives of working full time for someone who doesn't know who we really are. Do you realize how many of us live daily striving for "normalcy" only to fall short day in and day out? The pressure of this is enormous, and I can't express it enough.
I'm loved. I go to parties, I go to friends' and families' homes for "socialization", but it's a chore. Normal doesn't see the chore of existing in someone else's world - even for a short amount of time. I've been invited to parties and I just can't force myself to go. I have plenty of time on my hands, but yet my commitment to socialization is minimal because I cannot force myself to participate.
Holiday times are tough for us. We are invited to more parties and gatherings than "usual" and it's tough to marginalize what we can and cannot do. I've been forced into this life because of genetic make up. I'm not minimalizing it, but I have trouble year after year finding excuses to be social. I don't care enough. I don't want to enough. The Lord is my strength and yet I don't have enough to endure a social gathering where I don't know the people involved. I can't face even extended step-family events because I'm just too overcome with self doubt, self loathing, and utter despair.
As I grow older I find myself in this reality deeper and deeper. I see what my mother has become and I realize that, even though I fight it, I'm headed in the same direction. I often wonder if my father had not died, would my mother be the same person she is today... would she be as self absorbed and social inept? I wish sometimes that I knew the future for myself in this... but I cannot know. I can only base my life on the progress or inabilities of my earthly anchors - all of which is one... I am struggling...
What makes the holiday season that much more strenuous than the rest of the year for people like me? The issues of gathering? The giving and all that it realizes including the facts of monetary shortcomings or monitory scragginess? I don't know... and I'm saddened by my facet in life. I want to be more - to give is so much to me - but at the same time - I don't have the personal income to support it. I struggle... and it's not just money... it's life. Life is hard, and grows more difficult during the holiday season.
Be aware of your friends and family and their shortcomings during this season of the year... it's important that people like me feel loved and accepted... even more than the rest of the year...
This time of year is difficult for mentally compromised people. People who live day in and day out with the struggle of believing that who they are matters in the world. We are a large community of individuals who unfortunately succumb to the realities of daily life in the struggle to be "normal." I know many of who I know and love see it in me, and I'm not so inclined to tell you that I'm okay with that. Hiding is a familiar situation to me. Hiding my feelings, even with the people who are closest to me, is essential. I can't impact them any more than I already have... I don't want to. But, the reality is, I feel so much more than you realize. Mental illness fluctuates with the tides. The hormonal issues of female victims, the daily lives of working full time for someone who doesn't know who we really are. Do you realize how many of us live daily striving for "normalcy" only to fall short day in and day out? The pressure of this is enormous, and I can't express it enough.
I'm loved. I go to parties, I go to friends' and families' homes for "socialization", but it's a chore. Normal doesn't see the chore of existing in someone else's world - even for a short amount of time. I've been invited to parties and I just can't force myself to go. I have plenty of time on my hands, but yet my commitment to socialization is minimal because I cannot force myself to participate.
Holiday times are tough for us. We are invited to more parties and gatherings than "usual" and it's tough to marginalize what we can and cannot do. I've been forced into this life because of genetic make up. I'm not minimalizing it, but I have trouble year after year finding excuses to be social. I don't care enough. I don't want to enough. The Lord is my strength and yet I don't have enough to endure a social gathering where I don't know the people involved. I can't face even extended step-family events because I'm just too overcome with self doubt, self loathing, and utter despair.
As I grow older I find myself in this reality deeper and deeper. I see what my mother has become and I realize that, even though I fight it, I'm headed in the same direction. I often wonder if my father had not died, would my mother be the same person she is today... would she be as self absorbed and social inept? I wish sometimes that I knew the future for myself in this... but I cannot know. I can only base my life on the progress or inabilities of my earthly anchors - all of which is one... I am struggling...
What makes the holiday season that much more strenuous than the rest of the year for people like me? The issues of gathering? The giving and all that it realizes including the facts of monetary shortcomings or monitory scragginess? I don't know... and I'm saddened by my facet in life. I want to be more - to give is so much to me - but at the same time - I don't have the personal income to support it. I struggle... and it's not just money... it's life. Life is hard, and grows more difficult during the holiday season.
Be aware of your friends and family and their shortcomings during this season of the year... it's important that people like me feel loved and accepted... even more than the rest of the year...
animal rights...
I try not to force feed my Facebook with my passion, but it happens daily. I mean, honestly, I wish my "people" would get it. I wish I had full support in my passion, and could love the people I have on line as much as I could. But, I can't. Many of us have allowed our lives to be consumed by animal cruelty like eating meat and buying leather goods and wool, silk, down, and the like. I'm an advocate, and not a sideline sitter. I wish I could be more of an influence, although I know I've had an impact on several people who are part of my "life". Please consider the lives you effect with your habits - either eating or buying or what have you. It's a big issue and if you look and SEE the effect that you have on these things, you may change your standing on the subject. I beg you... look.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
When You Just Can't Figure It Out...
Holidays are always tough for me. I end up stewing and feeling overwhelmed by anxiety from the beginning of November through January. My family is the majority of the issue. I have two of the 3 immediate family members who are bound with emotional chains that keep them from participating in holiday happenings. I try, every year... but so far in 2014 my family didn't get together for Thanksgiving, and all three of the three immediate family members forfeited a holiday meal because the gathering was too much for them. It makes my heart ache. I anticipate, with past experience, another lonely Christmas. Last year we had breakfast that lasted until dinner. That was great... but rare.
Yesterday I visited my brother at our childhood home, which he and my nephew occupy and care for. Well, care for is a stretch. My mom and step dad care for the property and buildings... my brother and nephew barely take the garbage out. All without paying anything to my mother for rent... Mom spent $20K of my stepdad's money this year to put a new roof on all the buildings, and a new septic system that was decades overdue. Things have started and stopped due to financial shortcomings. This is all happening while my brother refuses to work. Has not paid rent for 15 years. Neither my nephew. I have separated myself from the mix of enabling relationships. But, it does not separate my heart and mind from the issues at hand. The reality is in my face daily. As I stood in my childhood home, I noticed a lot of things. The landscape has not changed since my mother and I left. 15+ years of the same layout, aside from a newer couch in the middle of the dining room/living room space. The dog is new... but he doesn't help things. He would push open doors to the kitchen and bathroom and my brother, while we talked, continually had to move from one area to another in order to keep the doors shut. I guess it was either shame (unclean) or heat (heap). He has kept the same "live" Christmas tree up all year long, lit and dusty, since 2007. That in and of itself can provoke ideas of mental issues. He showed me a silver ornament that was mine as a child. I cried on the way home.
Why is it that dust and hoarding level junk all around doesn't effect him like it effects me? He invited me in without hesitation, but I see that as part of the mental health issues... why would you when you haven't cleaned the house in a decade? Why? What makes you live this way? You're more than this! You should require more of yourself... yet... all of that goes unsaid. I just can't get through no matter what is said. My mother either. We've given up hope for my brother on a lot of levels.
These things rattle around in my mind daily, especially this time of year. I can't change it, but it's still an issue in my heart, because he's my family. I've gone through therapy for all of this, and have learned to leave it alone. It's not my issue, and I can't control anyone but myself. Still, here I sit... in tears.
Please know that mental illness is a real thing that many of us cannot or will not overcome. Pray for my brother. He needs change. His life has been cathartic and suppressed living in our family home. I know he'll never leave unless forced, which is an entirely different issue I struggle with. It's real, and it hurts my soul...
Yesterday I visited my brother at our childhood home, which he and my nephew occupy and care for. Well, care for is a stretch. My mom and step dad care for the property and buildings... my brother and nephew barely take the garbage out. All without paying anything to my mother for rent... Mom spent $20K of my stepdad's money this year to put a new roof on all the buildings, and a new septic system that was decades overdue. Things have started and stopped due to financial shortcomings. This is all happening while my brother refuses to work. Has not paid rent for 15 years. Neither my nephew. I have separated myself from the mix of enabling relationships. But, it does not separate my heart and mind from the issues at hand. The reality is in my face daily. As I stood in my childhood home, I noticed a lot of things. The landscape has not changed since my mother and I left. 15+ years of the same layout, aside from a newer couch in the middle of the dining room/living room space. The dog is new... but he doesn't help things. He would push open doors to the kitchen and bathroom and my brother, while we talked, continually had to move from one area to another in order to keep the doors shut. I guess it was either shame (unclean) or heat (heap). He has kept the same "live" Christmas tree up all year long, lit and dusty, since 2007. That in and of itself can provoke ideas of mental issues. He showed me a silver ornament that was mine as a child. I cried on the way home.
Why is it that dust and hoarding level junk all around doesn't effect him like it effects me? He invited me in without hesitation, but I see that as part of the mental health issues... why would you when you haven't cleaned the house in a decade? Why? What makes you live this way? You're more than this! You should require more of yourself... yet... all of that goes unsaid. I just can't get through no matter what is said. My mother either. We've given up hope for my brother on a lot of levels.
These things rattle around in my mind daily, especially this time of year. I can't change it, but it's still an issue in my heart, because he's my family. I've gone through therapy for all of this, and have learned to leave it alone. It's not my issue, and I can't control anyone but myself. Still, here I sit... in tears.
Please know that mental illness is a real thing that many of us cannot or will not overcome. Pray for my brother. He needs change. His life has been cathartic and suppressed living in our family home. I know he'll never leave unless forced, which is an entirely different issue I struggle with. It's real, and it hurts my soul...
Sunday, November 16, 2014
When there's nothing else.
I don't want to you know my inner struggles. Truly I want to keep them bound up within myself. There are times when I find my struggles are only valid to me and God. I'm struggling to keep it within my own heart right now.
I'm drunk. I'm struggling. I realize the boarders of my existence. It's ugly, and scary, and real. If you're a person who deals with people like me, here's your chance to know the inner workings of the depressed anxious brain. Take notes.
I've lived alone for months now. I've been alone, even when I've been with my partner in a foreign country. It's ugly, and scary, and real. The issues with dealing with a foreign country are plentiful, and I don't expect for my friends to understand. Even still here I am, writing from my heart.
My partner comes home in 5 days. It's been a long time coming. Being a person who is involuntarily silent, I feel the anxiety of being part of a partnership again. Yes, it's what I've hoped for... his absence has been a struggle for me. He has had difficulty in it as well, but I know that my reality is more of a struggle. It's hard. Life is lonely when you are minus your significant other. Any one of you can step back from this and say that is true. Meanwhile Ive dealt with this now for what has been a month of not seeing my love for a month. Why? Work. The livelihood that he has chosen has been detrimental as well as beneficial to our lives. I'm struggling to even write these words.
I asked recently why people may think my life is easy... on Facebook. I got several PC answers, all realizing that they don't know my life, and wouldn't assume to know what I deal with on a daily basis. It's not what ordinary people think of every day. The plight of the farm animals who fear for their lives and who are abused and beaten every day of their lives. You don't think of those things when you eat your meat or cheeses. I do. I get sick thinking of these things. Thanksgiving is just another reality that the country deals with and revels in that I get sickened over. What makes your life better than the animals you slaughter and eat for "thanksgiving?" It's sickening. You should at least acknowledge the reality of what you're serving to your families.
Meanwhile, I have those struggles, and the struggles of being alone in life for months at a time. No, don't pity me - hear me. Hear the anxiety of a person who doesn't get beyond the struggle of depression and anxiety in a day. The reality of knowing what the world brings upon the suffering. Why? Because you enjoy eating their carcases? Sick. Live with it. It's wrong.
Loneliness has brought me to a new reality of what we as humans do to our earth. It's not right, and it has brought us to where we are today. Water shortages that force us to realize that water is as valuable as oil is in this life. Wars, rumors or wars, plagues, petulance and all of the realities that the bible has warned us of. Be warned! Our ignorance of these things won't short stop because of our ignorance. We choose ignorance. We choose life outside of reality. Hollywood, movies, television... they all play to the fears and fixations are what they play to. It's time to wake up.
Where will you be when time comes to an end? I know where I'll be. You have nothing to loose by accepting Christ. You need to wake up and see where this world is going. Fear isn't enough to thwart the reality of what's coming.
I'm drunk. I'm struggling. I realize the boarders of my existence. It's ugly, and scary, and real. If you're a person who deals with people like me, here's your chance to know the inner workings of the depressed anxious brain. Take notes.
I've lived alone for months now. I've been alone, even when I've been with my partner in a foreign country. It's ugly, and scary, and real. The issues with dealing with a foreign country are plentiful, and I don't expect for my friends to understand. Even still here I am, writing from my heart.
My partner comes home in 5 days. It's been a long time coming. Being a person who is involuntarily silent, I feel the anxiety of being part of a partnership again. Yes, it's what I've hoped for... his absence has been a struggle for me. He has had difficulty in it as well, but I know that my reality is more of a struggle. It's hard. Life is lonely when you are minus your significant other. Any one of you can step back from this and say that is true. Meanwhile Ive dealt with this now for what has been a month of not seeing my love for a month. Why? Work. The livelihood that he has chosen has been detrimental as well as beneficial to our lives. I'm struggling to even write these words.
I asked recently why people may think my life is easy... on Facebook. I got several PC answers, all realizing that they don't know my life, and wouldn't assume to know what I deal with on a daily basis. It's not what ordinary people think of every day. The plight of the farm animals who fear for their lives and who are abused and beaten every day of their lives. You don't think of those things when you eat your meat or cheeses. I do. I get sick thinking of these things. Thanksgiving is just another reality that the country deals with and revels in that I get sickened over. What makes your life better than the animals you slaughter and eat for "thanksgiving?" It's sickening. You should at least acknowledge the reality of what you're serving to your families.
Meanwhile, I have those struggles, and the struggles of being alone in life for months at a time. No, don't pity me - hear me. Hear the anxiety of a person who doesn't get beyond the struggle of depression and anxiety in a day. The reality of knowing what the world brings upon the suffering. Why? Because you enjoy eating their carcases? Sick. Live with it. It's wrong.
Loneliness has brought me to a new reality of what we as humans do to our earth. It's not right, and it has brought us to where we are today. Water shortages that force us to realize that water is as valuable as oil is in this life. Wars, rumors or wars, plagues, petulance and all of the realities that the bible has warned us of. Be warned! Our ignorance of these things won't short stop because of our ignorance. We choose ignorance. We choose life outside of reality. Hollywood, movies, television... they all play to the fears and fixations are what they play to. It's time to wake up.
Where will you be when time comes to an end? I know where I'll be. You have nothing to loose by accepting Christ. You need to wake up and see where this world is going. Fear isn't enough to thwart the reality of what's coming.
Monday, November 3, 2014
When you're not sure if you should share it...
There are days, like today, when the world becomes too much for my mind and heart. The days when what I feel in my heart outweighs the reality around me. Days of heartache and confusion... self loathing and second guessing. I have days like that, and sometimes I want to shout it out and tell people... but other times I regress, knowing not everyone I know will understand or care or want to hear it. I have fear of someone I have on FB reading what I write and calling me in to the ward. Forcing my hand to put me into a "safe environment" away from life and of self harming. I don't like those restrictions, and I have never been one to forfeit my freedom for those "safe places". It's not safe, it's a place where all you do is think about all of the garbage that fills your mind every day, and you sit in front of people you don't know, forcing you to "share". No thanks. I've had friends do that, and it doesn't seem to appeal to me, no matter how far down I get. I can climb back up... scratch, claw, dig deep. I can do it.
Bottom line is, I'm scared. I'm not good alone, and loneliness creeps in like a stalker, ready to take you for all they want. Fear breaks you down until you just don't know which end is up. You can't think straight, you can't talk... you just sit and mill over shit in your head over and over and over again, until it breaks you. I have enough experience with this to know that even the most skilled therapist wouldn't be able to grasp the realm of subconscious I have, or make sense of it. It doesn't make sense anyway, and it would be a futile effort for them to try... My mind is a swirling vortex of anxiety and fear... pain, self loathing, and utter futility. You can't make sense of those things. They're all within the person themselves... nothing outside of me will make it go away. Nothing.
The Lord has placed me in this life for a reason. He tries to develop me and my senses for His use. I get that, and I allow that to be a focus for my mind when I'm overwhelmed. Although His ways are secret, and my understanding is nil, I have to force myself into the faith that has taken me this far in my life. When I try to explain my faith to people, which is rare, it's hard for me to even believe that what I say is making any impact on someone. I think it's too far fetched... too "out there" for people to understand or try to accept. I don't try to convert people much. I share my experiences, and my faith when I'm prompted. But deep down, I don't think it does much good unless that person is faced with a life changing experience, and they look for God themselves. Otherwise, it's all words. Vacant... fleeting... empty.
I have friends who whole heartedly believe in expressing themselves against mosques in different places. That what they say will have impact on what the world has become. Great if you believe that, but my reality is simple: God moves where He wants to. This world has become such a cesspool of inhumanity, degradation, and self satisfaction that what I say has little to no effect on most people. They'll do what they will, and consequences be damned. If I shout out about a mosque in a city, what does that do? Facilitate anger to non believers? Enrage and bring about hate and the feelings of "intolerance"? Yup... you bet your life. Jesus wasn't about condemning the wrong or the sick or the perverted. He loved the lost, and loved them in the midst of their ugliness. Don't stand up and start preaching Jesus when you're looking down your nose at the people who need you most.
That's it. I'm done. Listen to Jesus. Be still, and listen. That's all I can say.
Bottom line is, I'm scared. I'm not good alone, and loneliness creeps in like a stalker, ready to take you for all they want. Fear breaks you down until you just don't know which end is up. You can't think straight, you can't talk... you just sit and mill over shit in your head over and over and over again, until it breaks you. I have enough experience with this to know that even the most skilled therapist wouldn't be able to grasp the realm of subconscious I have, or make sense of it. It doesn't make sense anyway, and it would be a futile effort for them to try... My mind is a swirling vortex of anxiety and fear... pain, self loathing, and utter futility. You can't make sense of those things. They're all within the person themselves... nothing outside of me will make it go away. Nothing.
The Lord has placed me in this life for a reason. He tries to develop me and my senses for His use. I get that, and I allow that to be a focus for my mind when I'm overwhelmed. Although His ways are secret, and my understanding is nil, I have to force myself into the faith that has taken me this far in my life. When I try to explain my faith to people, which is rare, it's hard for me to even believe that what I say is making any impact on someone. I think it's too far fetched... too "out there" for people to understand or try to accept. I don't try to convert people much. I share my experiences, and my faith when I'm prompted. But deep down, I don't think it does much good unless that person is faced with a life changing experience, and they look for God themselves. Otherwise, it's all words. Vacant... fleeting... empty.
I have friends who whole heartedly believe in expressing themselves against mosques in different places. That what they say will have impact on what the world has become. Great if you believe that, but my reality is simple: God moves where He wants to. This world has become such a cesspool of inhumanity, degradation, and self satisfaction that what I say has little to no effect on most people. They'll do what they will, and consequences be damned. If I shout out about a mosque in a city, what does that do? Facilitate anger to non believers? Enrage and bring about hate and the feelings of "intolerance"? Yup... you bet your life. Jesus wasn't about condemning the wrong or the sick or the perverted. He loved the lost, and loved them in the midst of their ugliness. Don't stand up and start preaching Jesus when you're looking down your nose at the people who need you most.
That's it. I'm done. Listen to Jesus. Be still, and listen. That's all I can say.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
When Life Changes...
I never expected life to change for me. I was content with the life I'd been handed by God. It is a good life, but it has changed. These last 3 months have been challenging to say the least. Bouts of loneliness, aimlessness, foreign travel, and the absence of my other half have been difficult.
Life has changed because the Lord pleased. It wasn't my doing, it was the doing of the world around me, and the career of my husband. Little did I know last June that I would be sitting here alone typing about the life I've come to know. The "new normal" has just begun, I'm afraid. I believe, with Ben's success over seas, that he will now be a world traveler for years to come. He loves the big cities. He thrives on challenges that take him from his comfort zone. He is a great success and I'm so proud of all that he's been able to accomplish with his job. I can't say enough about how steadfast, resilient, and effective in what he has chosen for his career. He has made our lives easier in the process, although at this very moment, I would not say that 'easier' is a word I'd use.
Life. Now my life is more about me. I sleep and wake when I please. I am a lady of leisure. I don't pride myself on that, but I do enjoy it. I have been able to become slightly successful in my own ventures, thanks to God. My days are filled with what I choose. I work on things that need doing, and I am able to create and design for clients with ease. I don't think that the new normal is to be praised for that, but the Lord knew what my life needed, and what I could glorify Him in, so He has created my life despite my efforts.
Perspectives have changed. I see life in a new way now. I hadn't seen things this way before. My horizons have been broadened. I appreciate things more now. My partner, my job, my life, my home, my family, and my friends. I have been able to expand in all of those things since August 1. My God has allowed me the wisdom and insight to see the people in my life, see needs that weren't apparent to me before, and to have the time needed to be successful in changing lives. I love more. I reach out more. I'm an introvert at my core, but being alone for this time has brought me to a place of needing people more than ever before. I was able to meet with two people today, who I rarely see. Facebook is our normal mode of communication, but today was face to face. I spent hours with a childhood friend who I never see today. She was such a blessing to me, and she allowed me to see what her life has been, and what she has been in the midst of that. What a brave and well rounded human being. My second friend has conquered cancer, and she gives me a sense of family and love that no one else gives me. I see her as a real warrior, and I am blessed to know her.
To have the ability to broaden myself in these ways has been very beneficial for me. I have reached a new level of being within all of this. What a blessing it is to be a blessing to others! If you have a chance, reach out. Be real. Open your heart to others. They need you! They are who you're here for. God has a plan, and if you allow it, He will open doors to do the work He has placed us here to do. Be a blessing, it doesn't take much!
Life has changed because the Lord pleased. It wasn't my doing, it was the doing of the world around me, and the career of my husband. Little did I know last June that I would be sitting here alone typing about the life I've come to know. The "new normal" has just begun, I'm afraid. I believe, with Ben's success over seas, that he will now be a world traveler for years to come. He loves the big cities. He thrives on challenges that take him from his comfort zone. He is a great success and I'm so proud of all that he's been able to accomplish with his job. I can't say enough about how steadfast, resilient, and effective in what he has chosen for his career. He has made our lives easier in the process, although at this very moment, I would not say that 'easier' is a word I'd use.
Life. Now my life is more about me. I sleep and wake when I please. I am a lady of leisure. I don't pride myself on that, but I do enjoy it. I have been able to become slightly successful in my own ventures, thanks to God. My days are filled with what I choose. I work on things that need doing, and I am able to create and design for clients with ease. I don't think that the new normal is to be praised for that, but the Lord knew what my life needed, and what I could glorify Him in, so He has created my life despite my efforts.
Perspectives have changed. I see life in a new way now. I hadn't seen things this way before. My horizons have been broadened. I appreciate things more now. My partner, my job, my life, my home, my family, and my friends. I have been able to expand in all of those things since August 1. My God has allowed me the wisdom and insight to see the people in my life, see needs that weren't apparent to me before, and to have the time needed to be successful in changing lives. I love more. I reach out more. I'm an introvert at my core, but being alone for this time has brought me to a place of needing people more than ever before. I was able to meet with two people today, who I rarely see. Facebook is our normal mode of communication, but today was face to face. I spent hours with a childhood friend who I never see today. She was such a blessing to me, and she allowed me to see what her life has been, and what she has been in the midst of that. What a brave and well rounded human being. My second friend has conquered cancer, and she gives me a sense of family and love that no one else gives me. I see her as a real warrior, and I am blessed to know her.
To have the ability to broaden myself in these ways has been very beneficial for me. I have reached a new level of being within all of this. What a blessing it is to be a blessing to others! If you have a chance, reach out. Be real. Open your heart to others. They need you! They are who you're here for. God has a plan, and if you allow it, He will open doors to do the work He has placed us here to do. Be a blessing, it doesn't take much!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
The Lord Knows...
I've been living a different life this last 2+ months. My partner in life has a job that has taken him across the sea since August 1, and I may not see him until Thanksgiving at this point. I have learned to be self sufficient, more so than ever before. The Lord has been with me, and He keeps things within the boundaries of what I can handle with His help.
Being in London visiting for a month's worth of time since August, and having spent an additional 2 weeks in Italy and France in May, I've had my share of travel for the year. This last trip I was feeling uneasy about where my life is going. Life has become transient in a way - less so than Ben's - but still difficult in a way that I haven't experienced before.
This last season of my life I've dealt with a lack of work, loneliness, confusion, fear, and overcoming difficulties on my own that I never anticipated. It has been a learning experience for me. I've been blessed with the ability to work alone, and on projects that were deemed "man's work" and have thrived in that. For those moments of overcoming, I'm grateful. Right now I'm not sure the winter will be as easy to tolerate. I anticipate different things that I'm not used to handling myself. I know that the Lord is with me always, and He will provide all I need in order to accomplish and excel in the things life throws at me.
Since this last trip over seas, I've had the blessing of being asked by no less than 7 clients, new and old, to do work for them including graphics, illustration, logo design, etc. I'm also waiting on a decision to be made on an interview I had just before leaving for London October 1. So far, my first day back in the US, I've had confirmation of work from all of them. I'm blessed. The Lord knew that I would be alone and lacking much in the way of distraction. This is the perfect distraction, because it allows me to add to our income. He knows who I am, so intimately, that His work in my life comes along right when I need it. I have had the faith and understanding of His work in me to realize when He is working and when He is asking me to wait on His timing. Although it's very difficult to be still and wait, I know that when I do, I'm honoring Him, and honoring His great work. I can't do anything that He can do, and I know that. His timing is best, however difficult it may be. These last 4+ years have been a learning experience, and a challenge to my patience, faith, and trust in the Lord.
I encourage my friends and followers to sit quietly in the moment of confusion. To listen closely to what the Lord is saying and doing. He IS speaking. We need to listen. When we don't hear, WE are the ones not finding our silence. God has not ever moved, we do. We move away and closer to the Lord, depending on our circumstances. It's easy to be moved by life's difficulties and blessings. It's most difficult to not hear from God. But I've known both - the silence of not hearing His will for me, and the beautiful sounds of His blessings on me. It takes practice. It takes time... but He is always there, speaking in His still small voice.
Thank you for all of you who read my words and bless me with your friendship. I hope you're blessed as well.
Being in London visiting for a month's worth of time since August, and having spent an additional 2 weeks in Italy and France in May, I've had my share of travel for the year. This last trip I was feeling uneasy about where my life is going. Life has become transient in a way - less so than Ben's - but still difficult in a way that I haven't experienced before.
This last season of my life I've dealt with a lack of work, loneliness, confusion, fear, and overcoming difficulties on my own that I never anticipated. It has been a learning experience for me. I've been blessed with the ability to work alone, and on projects that were deemed "man's work" and have thrived in that. For those moments of overcoming, I'm grateful. Right now I'm not sure the winter will be as easy to tolerate. I anticipate different things that I'm not used to handling myself. I know that the Lord is with me always, and He will provide all I need in order to accomplish and excel in the things life throws at me.
Since this last trip over seas, I've had the blessing of being asked by no less than 7 clients, new and old, to do work for them including graphics, illustration, logo design, etc. I'm also waiting on a decision to be made on an interview I had just before leaving for London October 1. So far, my first day back in the US, I've had confirmation of work from all of them. I'm blessed. The Lord knew that I would be alone and lacking much in the way of distraction. This is the perfect distraction, because it allows me to add to our income. He knows who I am, so intimately, that His work in my life comes along right when I need it. I have had the faith and understanding of His work in me to realize when He is working and when He is asking me to wait on His timing. Although it's very difficult to be still and wait, I know that when I do, I'm honoring Him, and honoring His great work. I can't do anything that He can do, and I know that. His timing is best, however difficult it may be. These last 4+ years have been a learning experience, and a challenge to my patience, faith, and trust in the Lord.
I encourage my friends and followers to sit quietly in the moment of confusion. To listen closely to what the Lord is saying and doing. He IS speaking. We need to listen. When we don't hear, WE are the ones not finding our silence. God has not ever moved, we do. We move away and closer to the Lord, depending on our circumstances. It's easy to be moved by life's difficulties and blessings. It's most difficult to not hear from God. But I've known both - the silence of not hearing His will for me, and the beautiful sounds of His blessings on me. It takes practice. It takes time... but He is always there, speaking in His still small voice.
Thank you for all of you who read my words and bless me with your friendship. I hope you're blessed as well.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
When You're Scared...
The Lord has had me in His hands from before I was born... this I know and trust. He knows what's best for me, and He has orchestrated my life from the end to the beginning. I am fully a child of God.
That being said, I'm a bit scared at this point of my life. I have been "freelancing" for over 4 years now, and the work has been sporadic at best. The churches and companies I've worked with have scattered needs of me, and there hasn't been a time when I have been without income for months at a time. Take right now, for example. I haven't had a paying gig since late July. I know the Lord has done that for a reason, simply because He knew Ben would be away from August through October, and knew I would need to go and see him for both his and my own sanity.
I've been fortunate as of late to have two interviews lined up on the same day. That is unheard of for me. I went to the first today, and was pleasantly received, and over qualified, which is more the norm than the exception. I would do well in either of these jobs, and have full confidence in that. But going from "zero" to "full time" within a few weeks has me nervous. I know I can do it, but to go back to the "office" full time makes me uncomfortable. I've grown LAZY. I don't get up before 9 most mornings. I wear an eye mask so the sun doesn't disturb my sleep! SAD! I know, you can say it...
What I'm hoping for is the grace and courage to step forward in whatever the Lord deems fit for me at this point in my life. I know He's been grooming me for something greater than what I've been doing. I just don't know what yet. But, that's where faith comes into play. I have the faith to wait on God and to step out into the unknown in faith, so that I can be a blessing to Him and to whomever it is I will be working for. I have a good chance at both jobs - the last time I applied to tomorrow's company I was THIS CLOSE. The only reason I didn't get it was because an internal candidate surfaced. BUMMER. But, like I said, the Lord knows.
Pray for me during this time. I will be leaving again for London October 1-13. That moves into the time frames for today's interview, but probably not tomorrow's. They were fine with my dates at today's interview, so I think I'm all set, but you never know. That could be the very reason I don't get the job. I can say I'm confident in whatever comes to me... but at the same time, to step into it is unnerving.
Please pray that I have the courage and strength to get through this last leg of Ben's time away, and for the same as I approach the possibility of being a full time employee. I'm grateful for your support and prayers!
That being said, I'm a bit scared at this point of my life. I have been "freelancing" for over 4 years now, and the work has been sporadic at best. The churches and companies I've worked with have scattered needs of me, and there hasn't been a time when I have been without income for months at a time. Take right now, for example. I haven't had a paying gig since late July. I know the Lord has done that for a reason, simply because He knew Ben would be away from August through October, and knew I would need to go and see him for both his and my own sanity.
I've been fortunate as of late to have two interviews lined up on the same day. That is unheard of for me. I went to the first today, and was pleasantly received, and over qualified, which is more the norm than the exception. I would do well in either of these jobs, and have full confidence in that. But going from "zero" to "full time" within a few weeks has me nervous. I know I can do it, but to go back to the "office" full time makes me uncomfortable. I've grown LAZY. I don't get up before 9 most mornings. I wear an eye mask so the sun doesn't disturb my sleep! SAD! I know, you can say it...
What I'm hoping for is the grace and courage to step forward in whatever the Lord deems fit for me at this point in my life. I know He's been grooming me for something greater than what I've been doing. I just don't know what yet. But, that's where faith comes into play. I have the faith to wait on God and to step out into the unknown in faith, so that I can be a blessing to Him and to whomever it is I will be working for. I have a good chance at both jobs - the last time I applied to tomorrow's company I was THIS CLOSE. The only reason I didn't get it was because an internal candidate surfaced. BUMMER. But, like I said, the Lord knows.
Pray for me during this time. I will be leaving again for London October 1-13. That moves into the time frames for today's interview, but probably not tomorrow's. They were fine with my dates at today's interview, so I think I'm all set, but you never know. That could be the very reason I don't get the job. I can say I'm confident in whatever comes to me... but at the same time, to step into it is unnerving.
Please pray that I have the courage and strength to get through this last leg of Ben's time away, and for the same as I approach the possibility of being a full time employee. I'm grateful for your support and prayers!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
The positivity of knowing...
Here I am, alone in my home, thinking of the encounter I just had with my friend. Not 4 friends who were scheduled to be here, but one. My dear friend, who I knew would be here.
Thinking on the evening, I realize the gravity of the situation, however minor. We had planned this gathering months ago, and as life often happens, 3 of them were not able to come. My heart is heavy because of the burdens they bear. My heart was lifted by the simple time my friend and I had to spend together.
What my mind goes to is the complexity of life as we move forward day to day. The others didn't realize the things that would halt them from getting to our gathering... they were stopped short in their lives and had to reroute themselves in order to maintain sanity and life as they knew it. I understand that.
What I'm struck with is the willingness to move through the road blocks in order to maintain what we know as "normal". We all have difficulties and issues that come to light every day, and to move through all of that and maintain a sense of normalcy is truly a measure of grace.
God knows what we move through. He planned it out from the before to the aft. He sees the plans He's made for us and allows us to wiggle through life as He sees fit. We aren't miraculous, or genius.... we simply trust in the Lord and accommodate what He sets before us. It's tedious, I'll admit... but not impossible. I've moved through enough obstacles in the last 5 years to know that His will is perfect, and He places our boundaries according to our willingness and ability to overcome them. People outside of us may not see what the entire issue may be, but that's what comes as true friendship.
My friend had her car broken into, and has had a more than full schedule for her full-time job to compensate for in the middle of changing locks, changing checking accounts, and so on. My other friend has a familial issue that can't be avoided, and that may cause many a sleepless night in the process of being overcome. Things get outside of our reality and we have to give of ourselves to either overcome or bypass these things. My friends have chosen to overcome, and I'm proud of them.
As you move through life, don't only dwell on the things in your path, but on the things your friends and family have placed in theirs. God knows that we are all woven together in this thing called life, and we can assist our friends and family through the issues that compound our day to day lives. Recognize those things in others' lives and be willing to lend a hand. Prayer, physical effort, etc., it all means a great deal to those who are in the midst of it.
Be blessed, because God blessed you. You are a blessing just waiting to happen!
Thinking on the evening, I realize the gravity of the situation, however minor. We had planned this gathering months ago, and as life often happens, 3 of them were not able to come. My heart is heavy because of the burdens they bear. My heart was lifted by the simple time my friend and I had to spend together.
What my mind goes to is the complexity of life as we move forward day to day. The others didn't realize the things that would halt them from getting to our gathering... they were stopped short in their lives and had to reroute themselves in order to maintain sanity and life as they knew it. I understand that.
What I'm struck with is the willingness to move through the road blocks in order to maintain what we know as "normal". We all have difficulties and issues that come to light every day, and to move through all of that and maintain a sense of normalcy is truly a measure of grace.
God knows what we move through. He planned it out from the before to the aft. He sees the plans He's made for us and allows us to wiggle through life as He sees fit. We aren't miraculous, or genius.... we simply trust in the Lord and accommodate what He sets before us. It's tedious, I'll admit... but not impossible. I've moved through enough obstacles in the last 5 years to know that His will is perfect, and He places our boundaries according to our willingness and ability to overcome them. People outside of us may not see what the entire issue may be, but that's what comes as true friendship.
My friend had her car broken into, and has had a more than full schedule for her full-time job to compensate for in the middle of changing locks, changing checking accounts, and so on. My other friend has a familial issue that can't be avoided, and that may cause many a sleepless night in the process of being overcome. Things get outside of our reality and we have to give of ourselves to either overcome or bypass these things. My friends have chosen to overcome, and I'm proud of them.
As you move through life, don't only dwell on the things in your path, but on the things your friends and family have placed in theirs. God knows that we are all woven together in this thing called life, and we can assist our friends and family through the issues that compound our day to day lives. Recognize those things in others' lives and be willing to lend a hand. Prayer, physical effort, etc., it all means a great deal to those who are in the midst of it.
Be blessed, because God blessed you. You are a blessing just waiting to happen!
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Dealing with Pride...
I deal with pride on a daily basis. I know it's there, but I will most often excuse my feelings to those of self sufficiency. There are many aspects of pride in my life and I know it's something that the Lord is working on with me.
Being alone in WNY is a challenge I haven't ever had to deal with in my life. I've always lived either at home, in an apartment that my mother owned, or in a home that my husband and I have purchased. 13 years of marriage has allowed me the contentment of knowing my husband and I are partners, and deal with life accordingly. This season of our lives is different. My husband isn't here. My family is, but I struggle with asking for help, even from them. I do ask, for the times when I'm away, for them to help me care for my home an pets. That has come as a fruitful blessing that never gets overlooked or denied. I'm so grateful for my family, and I would never take that for granted. My mother's help especially. She is always here for me, and present in any situation that I face. Who could ask for more? I'm blessed.
Right now I'm struggling a little. Our finances are being pressed with the realities of Ben's working outside of the USA. There should be accommodations for this, but as of now those accommodations are being pressed. It's something that Ben has struggled with during the month he's been working away from home. I know there will be a resolution, but during this "middle period" we continue to work with our savings to cover what we need.
Today there have been a few set backs, and I have considered asking my neighbors for help. I don't like doing that. I love giving, and not asking for others to give to me. Right now I'm facing something stupid and I shouldn't allow it to overwhelm me. The reality in my mind is that I have 2 more months of independence, and I'm facing having to ask for more help than I've ever asked for before. My mower quit. The price tag for that seems frustratingly ridiculous. That, and I have other projects that need to be accomplished before the weather turns. My neighbors are great, but I have kept my distance in asking for their help as a result of my need for independence. Plus, they're not all too able to accomplish my requests. I hesitate to ask, knowing this...
The Lord knows my every moment. He knows what I need, and knows what I'm facing. Those things are a blessing, and a relief to me going through this season. I know I will be successful during this time alone, but facing it daily can be staggering. I may be blowing my situation out of proportion, but in my reality, being alone and having to accomplish things without help has been something I have needed to reconsider.
I don't like to put people in a position where they feel the need to say yes, but have the mentality of wanting to say no. I live in that place every day, and I don't like putting upon my friends and family. I needed to just say that, and clarify that although I'm very independent, I am also in a place of need. Socialization, small incidentals, big situations, it doesn't matter. I'm finding a new place in my life where being alone isn't the best option. Options... they're multiple and can be fruitful. Options allow for others to help people in need. Be it as small and seemingly insignificant as borrowing a lawn mower, or as big as facing a tragedy. Alone is nowhere to be during your times of need. Reach out to those who love you. I think you'd be surprised as to the amount of love and giving your friends and family will have for you. Being a blessing is an option.
Thanks for listening... I'm going to take my lawn mower to the shop tomorrow and hope to ask my neighbor(s) for help during the time I don't have it. Pray for me as I face being alone and being willing to ask for help! It's tough! :)
Being alone in WNY is a challenge I haven't ever had to deal with in my life. I've always lived either at home, in an apartment that my mother owned, or in a home that my husband and I have purchased. 13 years of marriage has allowed me the contentment of knowing my husband and I are partners, and deal with life accordingly. This season of our lives is different. My husband isn't here. My family is, but I struggle with asking for help, even from them. I do ask, for the times when I'm away, for them to help me care for my home an pets. That has come as a fruitful blessing that never gets overlooked or denied. I'm so grateful for my family, and I would never take that for granted. My mother's help especially. She is always here for me, and present in any situation that I face. Who could ask for more? I'm blessed.
Right now I'm struggling a little. Our finances are being pressed with the realities of Ben's working outside of the USA. There should be accommodations for this, but as of now those accommodations are being pressed. It's something that Ben has struggled with during the month he's been working away from home. I know there will be a resolution, but during this "middle period" we continue to work with our savings to cover what we need.
Today there have been a few set backs, and I have considered asking my neighbors for help. I don't like doing that. I love giving, and not asking for others to give to me. Right now I'm facing something stupid and I shouldn't allow it to overwhelm me. The reality in my mind is that I have 2 more months of independence, and I'm facing having to ask for more help than I've ever asked for before. My mower quit. The price tag for that seems frustratingly ridiculous. That, and I have other projects that need to be accomplished before the weather turns. My neighbors are great, but I have kept my distance in asking for their help as a result of my need for independence. Plus, they're not all too able to accomplish my requests. I hesitate to ask, knowing this...
The Lord knows my every moment. He knows what I need, and knows what I'm facing. Those things are a blessing, and a relief to me going through this season. I know I will be successful during this time alone, but facing it daily can be staggering. I may be blowing my situation out of proportion, but in my reality, being alone and having to accomplish things without help has been something I have needed to reconsider.
I don't like to put people in a position where they feel the need to say yes, but have the mentality of wanting to say no. I live in that place every day, and I don't like putting upon my friends and family. I needed to just say that, and clarify that although I'm very independent, I am also in a place of need. Socialization, small incidentals, big situations, it doesn't matter. I'm finding a new place in my life where being alone isn't the best option. Options... they're multiple and can be fruitful. Options allow for others to help people in need. Be it as small and seemingly insignificant as borrowing a lawn mower, or as big as facing a tragedy. Alone is nowhere to be during your times of need. Reach out to those who love you. I think you'd be surprised as to the amount of love and giving your friends and family will have for you. Being a blessing is an option.
Thanks for listening... I'm going to take my lawn mower to the shop tomorrow and hope to ask my neighbor(s) for help during the time I don't have it. Pray for me as I face being alone and being willing to ask for help! It's tough! :)
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Life as a Transient in London
So, as I sit here and ponder the time I've spent here, nearly 16 days, I can say I have been fully engrossed in living away from home. It's not easy. Being a transient is difficult on a number of levels. I allow Ben more of the reality than I take for myself, but I have indeed existed in this "outside world" long enough to have an opinion.
Life away from home is stressful. You aren't allowed the comforts of "home" in a real sense. Yes, you have a 'home base' but the reality is that it's a substitute for what you consider the comforts of home. A tiny apartment, little of home to comfort you... you're living outside of anything 'known'. Eating, living, breathing here is different. You're in a huge metropolis that allows ease in way of finding ways of living, but little in the way of settling into your surroundings with the ease of 'home'.
The ways of this place are different, albeit not completely. There are ways of doing things that are foreign to most. This city is enormous... and the complexities of life here can be overwhelming. Getting anywhere requires foot travel. Nothing at home requires that unless you want to. Subways, buses, taxis... they're all here waiting for your use, but there's no way to just 'go' without help.
City life is chaos in a lot of ways. There are so many people, so many ways of life. It's a foreign effort to find a way to cope with the differences of life. I can attest, it's not easy, nor is it preferred for me. Ben loves cities, but the longing for home and the life we know is always in the back (or front) of the mind. Too many people. Too many options. The price of things for just getting by is alarming, and would stagger the people I live my life knowing. I often ponder here the realities of the people I know and love, and cringe at the thought of them trying to deal with being displaced like Ben has been. It's just not something most people I know would choose.
As I ready to come home, there are things that both press me and hinder me from doing so. The thought of my home, my pets, my people... they are who I long to be with. The thought of leaving my partner in this life here to continue on is taxing. He misses home as well. He chose this, and has been successful in doing so, but none the less... he misses life at home. I don't know what the future holds for Ben and his career. Time will tell. He is willing and able to continue to be a success here, and he hopes that his efforts will allow him to grow in his new company and new responsibilities. Me, I am indeed a transient being. Not having nearly as many ties to life as Ben does. I work remotely, although entirely too part time for my tastes. Life has become very different in the last 4 years, and I have needed to change with it. I'm not satisfied with who I am at this point, but I know the Lord has things for my future that He has in mind. I have to trust Him and wait.
Meanwhile, here I sit, in a small flat in London. We try to visit places we haven't seen, eat things and find things we haven't had access to in our "normal" lives. Normal is such a relative word here. What is normal when you're a transient? You can only acquire normal by finding things that remind you of the place where you've come. Some choose not to do that for themselves, but I have needed it. It keeps me longing for home, and continues to supply a source of energy for me to press forward.
I will be grateful to find myself home on Monday afternoon. My family will feel the same, I'm sure. My friends will be interested to know what I've experienced, what I've seen, what I've done. This year has been full of that - going to Rome, Venice, and Paris in May, and this London excursion... I don't take for granted the fortune that I've had the pleasure of experiencing. I don't. It's a blessing to be able to travel the world and see how other people live. I've gained much ground in the realities of life and how to maneuver our way through each day. All I can do is move forward, gain wisdom, and grow. I hope to be able to share what I've gained with my circle of influence. I also hope to share whatever the Lord has brought me through, good or bad, with others for their lives and wisdom.
I miss home. I miss my people, and my animals. I miss my normalcy. I know this time is fleeting, so I will cherish the moment I'm in and move forward as the Lord wills. To God be the Glory.
Life away from home is stressful. You aren't allowed the comforts of "home" in a real sense. Yes, you have a 'home base' but the reality is that it's a substitute for what you consider the comforts of home. A tiny apartment, little of home to comfort you... you're living outside of anything 'known'. Eating, living, breathing here is different. You're in a huge metropolis that allows ease in way of finding ways of living, but little in the way of settling into your surroundings with the ease of 'home'.
The ways of this place are different, albeit not completely. There are ways of doing things that are foreign to most. This city is enormous... and the complexities of life here can be overwhelming. Getting anywhere requires foot travel. Nothing at home requires that unless you want to. Subways, buses, taxis... they're all here waiting for your use, but there's no way to just 'go' without help.
City life is chaos in a lot of ways. There are so many people, so many ways of life. It's a foreign effort to find a way to cope with the differences of life. I can attest, it's not easy, nor is it preferred for me. Ben loves cities, but the longing for home and the life we know is always in the back (or front) of the mind. Too many people. Too many options. The price of things for just getting by is alarming, and would stagger the people I live my life knowing. I often ponder here the realities of the people I know and love, and cringe at the thought of them trying to deal with being displaced like Ben has been. It's just not something most people I know would choose.
As I ready to come home, there are things that both press me and hinder me from doing so. The thought of my home, my pets, my people... they are who I long to be with. The thought of leaving my partner in this life here to continue on is taxing. He misses home as well. He chose this, and has been successful in doing so, but none the less... he misses life at home. I don't know what the future holds for Ben and his career. Time will tell. He is willing and able to continue to be a success here, and he hopes that his efforts will allow him to grow in his new company and new responsibilities. Me, I am indeed a transient being. Not having nearly as many ties to life as Ben does. I work remotely, although entirely too part time for my tastes. Life has become very different in the last 4 years, and I have needed to change with it. I'm not satisfied with who I am at this point, but I know the Lord has things for my future that He has in mind. I have to trust Him and wait.
Meanwhile, here I sit, in a small flat in London. We try to visit places we haven't seen, eat things and find things we haven't had access to in our "normal" lives. Normal is such a relative word here. What is normal when you're a transient? You can only acquire normal by finding things that remind you of the place where you've come. Some choose not to do that for themselves, but I have needed it. It keeps me longing for home, and continues to supply a source of energy for me to press forward.
I will be grateful to find myself home on Monday afternoon. My family will feel the same, I'm sure. My friends will be interested to know what I've experienced, what I've seen, what I've done. This year has been full of that - going to Rome, Venice, and Paris in May, and this London excursion... I don't take for granted the fortune that I've had the pleasure of experiencing. I don't. It's a blessing to be able to travel the world and see how other people live. I've gained much ground in the realities of life and how to maneuver our way through each day. All I can do is move forward, gain wisdom, and grow. I hope to be able to share what I've gained with my circle of influence. I also hope to share whatever the Lord has brought me through, good or bad, with others for their lives and wisdom.
I miss home. I miss my people, and my animals. I miss my normalcy. I know this time is fleeting, so I will cherish the moment I'm in and move forward as the Lord wills. To God be the Glory.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Trouble with Suicide
Today I've been heavily contemplating the power that we have over ourselves... our very lives. We take it for granted at times. And, at times, we come face to face with a life altering or life threatening issue where our perceptions on the subject can change drastically. I've had those moments of clarity in life... and today my mind has been dwelling on the loss of life.
Yesterday I spent some quality time with my good friends, and we had a great time together. Our conversations seemed to be on the morbid - people we know and care about with cancer, and people we know of and loved who have taken their lives. I was stunned to hear that a wonderful professor I had in college who had died last year, had actually taken his own life. I guess I felt at the moment that I didn't need to know that about him... that really hit me hard. Knowing his belief in Christ, and his faithful walk during his time here caused me to struggle with the idea that his life could have been that of such utter desperation and depression that he chose to end it. He was about the same age as Robin Williams, who yesterday was found dead, presumably by his own hand. Those two things compounded my reality and my thoughts about suicide.
I have had plenty of suicidal thoughts, and I have many people with whom I have had friendships who have also struggled with these bouts of depression and despair. I know of parents who have lost children to these struggles. No one can truly know why someone decides to take their own life... it's bound up within their own minds and hearts. Outside influences to these people end up not meaning much of anything, because their inner turmoil takes control of their entire existence. My mother often says that suicide is a selfish act, because of what the person leaves behind for loved ones to deal with, and grieve over. I see that perspective, but I also know that inner turmoil for myself, and I can imagine there are points in a life when hope is lost, no matter what you've lived, believed, or expect for the future. The bible says this
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 [Full Chapter]
Most of who I have discussed these things with have reflected on the bible, and have wondered what it REALLY SAYS about suicide. I was always taught that suicide won't get you to heaven, because God gave us life, and He alone is who can take it away. That we were paid for with the price of Christ, and that our bodies are temples. All that has been manipulated into a fear tactic for Christians to adhere to. It's what has kept any number of people from committing the act to end their life. Maybe that's not a bad thing either.
Yesterday I spent some quality time with my good friends, and we had a great time together. Our conversations seemed to be on the morbid - people we know and care about with cancer, and people we know of and loved who have taken their lives. I was stunned to hear that a wonderful professor I had in college who had died last year, had actually taken his own life. I guess I felt at the moment that I didn't need to know that about him... that really hit me hard. Knowing his belief in Christ, and his faithful walk during his time here caused me to struggle with the idea that his life could have been that of such utter desperation and depression that he chose to end it. He was about the same age as Robin Williams, who yesterday was found dead, presumably by his own hand. Those two things compounded my reality and my thoughts about suicide.
I have had plenty of suicidal thoughts, and I have many people with whom I have had friendships who have also struggled with these bouts of depression and despair. I know of parents who have lost children to these struggles. No one can truly know why someone decides to take their own life... it's bound up within their own minds and hearts. Outside influences to these people end up not meaning much of anything, because their inner turmoil takes control of their entire existence. My mother often says that suicide is a selfish act, because of what the person leaves behind for loved ones to deal with, and grieve over. I see that perspective, but I also know that inner turmoil for myself, and I can imagine there are points in a life when hope is lost, no matter what you've lived, believed, or expect for the future. The bible says this
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 [Full Chapter]
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
I listen to a minister on the radio named John MacArthur who admits that, if a person is saved, truly saved, and knows Christ in an intimate way, that because of their genetic make up or whatever it is that takes them down so far as to contemplate taking their own lives, that they will not be denied entrance into heaven. They have known the power of life through Christ, and have just had too much of the world to stay any longer. That speaks volumes to me. I realize that with Christ there is always a way... but not everyone sees it that way.
I feel for the families of the people left behind, but I also know that sincere yearning for being with Christ, and out of this world. Who wouldn't want to be in heaven? No more tears... no more hate, murder, burdens, struggle and strife. Sometimes our lives are only filled with the negative. The strength to get up in the morning is only due to Christ some days. And some days, that strength just isn't there.
Pray for the loss of life... it wasn't easy for them to choose that path, and hopefully God's boundless mercy cradles those who have made that choice. One can only hope.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Alone...
Well this sucks. I've hit a wall here with being alone and it's only a week into the 85 days that this garbage will continue. Ben is working hard, partying hard (as of tonight), and getting the hang of being a single man in a different country. He says he's a migrant working now, and it's true. For now.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Christy seems to have been stricken with a deep loneliness that she's trying to fill. Days are long, nights are long... working around the house is important but the funds for doing so are limited (as of now). Altering our lifestyle to accommodate this venture seems daunting, and I'm not feeling the love at this point. Ben's company has yet to get their shit straight when it comes to monetary compensation, so I'm having to add $ to the accounts from our savings to accommodate during the 'gray area' time frame. UGH. Can you just hear me saying UGH!?
The cats are my responsibility, so are the house chores that need attending to during the good months of our year. That leaves me with little wiggle room, and a plan of attack as Ben gets paid. I hate wasting good weather days because of no funding but this is the way it's working out. All I can do is what I can do... sighing.
I am happy to let you all know that I am filling my days as best I can, seeing friends, painting the house, cleaning out kitchen cabinets, and all of that. It's a grueling life, but what else can I do? I seem to have a knack for waking up late and not wanting to accomplish much. I'm forced to do certain things but the majority of the time I'm looking at life going "what the hell will I do today?!"
I have rescues and volunteer work I could be doing. I have a new freelance account, but to be honest, I'm afraid my work won't be accepted as "good enough" compared to Ben's, which was what this company has been used to. I try... that's all I can do. If they don't like what I give, I guess they'll eliminate me from the equation.
Gotta run - there's someone who actually wants me to come visit! Be blessed my friends! Life has quirks that can be difficult, but there's always a bright day in the waiting (not promised by God, but you know what I mean)...
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Christy seems to have been stricken with a deep loneliness that she's trying to fill. Days are long, nights are long... working around the house is important but the funds for doing so are limited (as of now). Altering our lifestyle to accommodate this venture seems daunting, and I'm not feeling the love at this point. Ben's company has yet to get their shit straight when it comes to monetary compensation, so I'm having to add $ to the accounts from our savings to accommodate during the 'gray area' time frame. UGH. Can you just hear me saying UGH!?
The cats are my responsibility, so are the house chores that need attending to during the good months of our year. That leaves me with little wiggle room, and a plan of attack as Ben gets paid. I hate wasting good weather days because of no funding but this is the way it's working out. All I can do is what I can do... sighing.
I am happy to let you all know that I am filling my days as best I can, seeing friends, painting the house, cleaning out kitchen cabinets, and all of that. It's a grueling life, but what else can I do? I seem to have a knack for waking up late and not wanting to accomplish much. I'm forced to do certain things but the majority of the time I'm looking at life going "what the hell will I do today?!"
I have rescues and volunteer work I could be doing. I have a new freelance account, but to be honest, I'm afraid my work won't be accepted as "good enough" compared to Ben's, which was what this company has been used to. I try... that's all I can do. If they don't like what I give, I guess they'll eliminate me from the equation.
Gotta run - there's someone who actually wants me to come visit! Be blessed my friends! Life has quirks that can be difficult, but there's always a bright day in the waiting (not promised by God, but you know what I mean)...
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Life Apart... An American in London...
I'm sure my friend Marsha Rivers can attest to some of these things based on her best friend living in London for the last few years. London is doubly expensive than Western New York. They give NYC a run for its money for sure. Ben has been in London since Saturday morning their time, which is 5 hours ahead of us. He has successfully shopped for decent food for his new abode, and has realized some of the shortcomings of living in a very small space. Being here, you didn't really worry about what happened in the bathroom, since they're on the second floor and are out of the way. But there, everything is in the same 300 square feet, which doesn't go over well, if you know what I mean...
Things are moving along... he has a good stipend each day for meals. He has spent 100 pounds on food already, which translates to $165 here. That's just to keep at the apartment... Then there will most likely be at least 2 meals a day on the town. But, like I said, his stipend should be enough for any small family to live on.
Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Christy has spent more than she should have on groceries, and is wondering how the hell she spent that much. Times are different at this point, and I'm hoping with the money he DOESN'T spend (he gets the $ he doesn't spend each day in his pay), that we can come out ahead on this. We've joked about living on "ramen noodles and peanut butter" to save up, and he has already found and enjoyed London's version of that tasty salt ladened food source!
We have spoken several times already... we're missing each other. We've skyped and have sighed over the reality of where our lives are at this point. I can't say this is going to be grand... far from it actually. He is taking the brunt of the difficulties - a washer and no dryer... a tiny living space... getting up early like the rest of the world and going to work at 8 a.m. in "business" clothes. Ben has had an easy work life thus far, being able to work and live in shorts and t-shirts, working from home, and pretty much not having to concern himself with "business" type stuff. Now, he's readied himself with new dress shirts and ties, new dress pants, fancy socks, and all of that. Undershirts are now a part of his vocabulary. I remember a time when he swore he'd never wear a tie! We found 3 that are quite lovely... and argued about one that ended up being his choice, and a fine one at that :)
I covet your prayers... for myself and for Ben. He has a lot to learn, a lot to overcome, and even more to accomplish during his time in London. I pray for his wisdom and discernment, cautiousness, health, and stamina for these few months. It will be interesting to see how he and his existence changes over time... will he be the same? Mostly yes, but there will be changes in his perception of life, his attitude toward life outside of here, and his experiences in the business world. Hopefully he will be a stronger and more well rounded person at the other end of this.
Me, well... I'm trying to get my head around things and trying to fill my time constructively. I'm waiting on job opportunities to tell me if I'm a candidate or not, and moving ahead with life as I've known it. My life hasn't changed aside from being alone. Being alone is tough after 13+ years of being half of a partnership, but we're still partners... just in different places.
Thanks friends. More updates to come! :)
Things are moving along... he has a good stipend each day for meals. He has spent 100 pounds on food already, which translates to $165 here. That's just to keep at the apartment... Then there will most likely be at least 2 meals a day on the town. But, like I said, his stipend should be enough for any small family to live on.
Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Christy has spent more than she should have on groceries, and is wondering how the hell she spent that much. Times are different at this point, and I'm hoping with the money he DOESN'T spend (he gets the $ he doesn't spend each day in his pay), that we can come out ahead on this. We've joked about living on "ramen noodles and peanut butter" to save up, and he has already found and enjoyed London's version of that tasty salt ladened food source!
We have spoken several times already... we're missing each other. We've skyped and have sighed over the reality of where our lives are at this point. I can't say this is going to be grand... far from it actually. He is taking the brunt of the difficulties - a washer and no dryer... a tiny living space... getting up early like the rest of the world and going to work at 8 a.m. in "business" clothes. Ben has had an easy work life thus far, being able to work and live in shorts and t-shirts, working from home, and pretty much not having to concern himself with "business" type stuff. Now, he's readied himself with new dress shirts and ties, new dress pants, fancy socks, and all of that. Undershirts are now a part of his vocabulary. I remember a time when he swore he'd never wear a tie! We found 3 that are quite lovely... and argued about one that ended up being his choice, and a fine one at that :)
I covet your prayers... for myself and for Ben. He has a lot to learn, a lot to overcome, and even more to accomplish during his time in London. I pray for his wisdom and discernment, cautiousness, health, and stamina for these few months. It will be interesting to see how he and his existence changes over time... will he be the same? Mostly yes, but there will be changes in his perception of life, his attitude toward life outside of here, and his experiences in the business world. Hopefully he will be a stronger and more well rounded person at the other end of this.
Me, well... I'm trying to get my head around things and trying to fill my time constructively. I'm waiting on job opportunities to tell me if I'm a candidate or not, and moving ahead with life as I've known it. My life hasn't changed aside from being alone. Being alone is tough after 13+ years of being half of a partnership, but we're still partners... just in different places.
Thanks friends. More updates to come! :)
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Everything To God In Prayer...
I've sat here, day after day, wondering what I would write as I walk through this uncertain time. It has been a struggle, none the less, and the days have gone by filled with anxiety and stress. Change is difficult, and for me even more so. Anxiety holds a firm hand on me, and when I see change in the distance, I perseverate on it... I hate that, but it's who I am.
The time has come for change in our lives. Ben will soon be on his way to London to spend 3 months working on a project that is new to his company. His company also being new to him (one year in October), he has been wondering, hoping, and worrying about what his place will be in this new environment. He has had to change his entire strategy for work: his clothes, his direction, his pace, etc. He has always said that change isn't something he deals with in fear... he will never NOT do something because of fear. That is certainly true today. This week he will move himself to London England for at least 3 months for work. A new endeavor for the company that he signed up for a year ago (without my consent). It will be a huge change in our daily lives, but that doesn't mean it will be forever. His commitment is 3 months, with the end being a gray area for all of us. His company doesn't have the knowledge before hand to know how long this will take, how much effort it will require, or how much of Ben's influence will be necessary to accomplish the task. All of that has been a burden on us, not knowing what the end will produce, or when the end will be...
My reality is simple: being alone. I wouldn't be nearly as anxious about it if I had a daily job to go to. I have my perspective, being part of an organization that required me to be present every day/forty hours a week. Now that that hasn't been the case, I know the Lord has placed me in this situation for the last 4 years in order to groom me for this next challenge. I will be alone, and will need to find myself within the confines of this house, this life. It is a daunting task, to be sure. Not having a routine keeps me from being productive daily. I find myself being lazy and half assed about what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis. Not at all productive when I look at it from here. This new "life" as it were, will mean forcing myself into a new role in life. Being a productive woman alone...
I have friends who have accomplished this... it isn't out of the realm of possibility. I just didn't choose it for myself, nor would I. But, all of that being in place, I need to stand tall in myself, knowing I CAN accomplish more, and I will, no matter how scary each day seems before me.
Will I be a supermodel by the end of the 3 months? Nah... it's too much to believe. But, there's nothing wrong with believing! I have a heart to know that whatever God has for me in this, it will happen. I'm anticipating great things in this time of change. Pray for us as we move faithfully into it!
The time has come for change in our lives. Ben will soon be on his way to London to spend 3 months working on a project that is new to his company. His company also being new to him (one year in October), he has been wondering, hoping, and worrying about what his place will be in this new environment. He has had to change his entire strategy for work: his clothes, his direction, his pace, etc. He has always said that change isn't something he deals with in fear... he will never NOT do something because of fear. That is certainly true today. This week he will move himself to London England for at least 3 months for work. A new endeavor for the company that he signed up for a year ago (without my consent). It will be a huge change in our daily lives, but that doesn't mean it will be forever. His commitment is 3 months, with the end being a gray area for all of us. His company doesn't have the knowledge before hand to know how long this will take, how much effort it will require, or how much of Ben's influence will be necessary to accomplish the task. All of that has been a burden on us, not knowing what the end will produce, or when the end will be...
My reality is simple: being alone. I wouldn't be nearly as anxious about it if I had a daily job to go to. I have my perspective, being part of an organization that required me to be present every day/forty hours a week. Now that that hasn't been the case, I know the Lord has placed me in this situation for the last 4 years in order to groom me for this next challenge. I will be alone, and will need to find myself within the confines of this house, this life. It is a daunting task, to be sure. Not having a routine keeps me from being productive daily. I find myself being lazy and half assed about what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis. Not at all productive when I look at it from here. This new "life" as it were, will mean forcing myself into a new role in life. Being a productive woman alone...
I have friends who have accomplished this... it isn't out of the realm of possibility. I just didn't choose it for myself, nor would I. But, all of that being in place, I need to stand tall in myself, knowing I CAN accomplish more, and I will, no matter how scary each day seems before me.
Will I be a supermodel by the end of the 3 months? Nah... it's too much to believe. But, there's nothing wrong with believing! I have a heart to know that whatever God has for me in this, it will happen. I'm anticipating great things in this time of change. Pray for us as we move faithfully into it!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Changes...
Isn't that a song from the 70s? My friend Robyn would know, or Mary... I think it's a Beatles tune. Anyway... I'm experiencing changes in my life. Quite significant actually. I'm not one to enjoy change, but I'm determined to take this in stride. I want to prove to myself and the people around me that I don't always crumple under the pressures of change.
I've had a several-year hiatus from a regular job, and as I've walked through these years - however slowly they have gone by - I haven't faced change with anything except fear. I'm continuously second guessing myself whenever I apply to a job, or even get an interview. I wait patiently in this very moment to hear from an interview I thought I did well with. They told me 2-3 weeks for an answer to at least a second interview, and it has been 4. I've contacted them, but it seems efforts in this job filling have stalled. SIGH!
In any case, these changes for me, for us, are new and in my opinion, pretty big. I want to believe that what I will be committed to will make me stronger. I know it will be even more difficult for Ben, but he is much better at change, and plus, he signed up for this specific opportunity. Me, not so much. But, I can't look at it like that - I have to look at it and say "this is happening, and I need to ready myself for the changes that are likely to come." So easy to type. So uneasy in my soul...
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Gladys is figuring out that she may very well be in mid-swing of menopause. Yup. I'm that old. Well, it hits women who never give birth earlier in life (so they tell me...). Moods, sweats, insomnia, belly weight gain... oh joyous rapture! I couldn't be more disappointed that I've lived long enough to experience this garbage! I need to see the doctor and possibly find some supplements in order to thwart the awfulness of this change of life. GOOD GRIEF. I can't believe it really... but, it's another change - a big one - that I'm in the middle of.
God help me. I could use a job, a break, a little more grace, and some serious wisdom... Welcome to the world of a middle aged menopausal nightmare on wheels...! Watch out!
I've had a several-year hiatus from a regular job, and as I've walked through these years - however slowly they have gone by - I haven't faced change with anything except fear. I'm continuously second guessing myself whenever I apply to a job, or even get an interview. I wait patiently in this very moment to hear from an interview I thought I did well with. They told me 2-3 weeks for an answer to at least a second interview, and it has been 4. I've contacted them, but it seems efforts in this job filling have stalled. SIGH!
In any case, these changes for me, for us, are new and in my opinion, pretty big. I want to believe that what I will be committed to will make me stronger. I know it will be even more difficult for Ben, but he is much better at change, and plus, he signed up for this specific opportunity. Me, not so much. But, I can't look at it like that - I have to look at it and say "this is happening, and I need to ready myself for the changes that are likely to come." So easy to type. So uneasy in my soul...
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Gladys is figuring out that she may very well be in mid-swing of menopause. Yup. I'm that old. Well, it hits women who never give birth earlier in life (so they tell me...). Moods, sweats, insomnia, belly weight gain... oh joyous rapture! I couldn't be more disappointed that I've lived long enough to experience this garbage! I need to see the doctor and possibly find some supplements in order to thwart the awfulness of this change of life. GOOD GRIEF. I can't believe it really... but, it's another change - a big one - that I'm in the middle of.
God help me. I could use a job, a break, a little more grace, and some serious wisdom... Welcome to the world of a middle aged menopausal nightmare on wheels...! Watch out!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
When I Just Don't Know...
I've been dealing with my inner demons quite a bit lately. Amidst a fabulous trip overseas, I struggled with crippling anxiety through the entire trip. There were moments of joy and good... but the lingering fears were always right behind the joy. Right now, being home for several days, I received a phone call telling me that I was a candidate for interview for a position I'd applied for over a month ago. I was thrilled. I haven't had a real interview in so long, that my heart just jumped for joy. Afterward, the anxiety of my lack of faith in myself and my abilities grabbed my heart and threw me into a whirlwind of negative thoughts about myself. I'm not good enough... it's been so long since I've worked in a professional environment, I don't know if I can anymore... I don't have what it takes... they're going to tell me no. All of these things plus a thousand more hit me like bricks.
I know I can do the job... deep down I know I'm good enough. I know how to handle the work that's being expected, but I just get so worked up over the 'what ifs' that it all comes down on me like a firestorm. I can't see my way clear to the positive.
I can't talk to anyone about these things anymore because they either get angry with me or want to throw me into a psych ward. I'm scared to tell people how I feel because of the feedback I've gotten in the past. I don't trust anyone enough to talk openly about things, so, instead, I talk to this screen. I tell everyone, yet no one. I self medicate... I was doing well with it, but I fell back into it today. It's just how I deal with the screaming chaos in my head. I don't want to be committed to a psych ward. Do you know how bad that would be? Can you imagine how that would effect my future? In ANY job? If that came to light, I'd be nothing. Again.
So, if I could ask for your prayers and good thoughts, I'd appreciate them. I realize my shortcomings, and I want to get past them, but times like these are the times when I feel like there's not time enough to get myself 'right' and get a handle on things. The urgency of time is crippling.
Thanks.
I know I can do the job... deep down I know I'm good enough. I know how to handle the work that's being expected, but I just get so worked up over the 'what ifs' that it all comes down on me like a firestorm. I can't see my way clear to the positive.
I can't talk to anyone about these things anymore because they either get angry with me or want to throw me into a psych ward. I'm scared to tell people how I feel because of the feedback I've gotten in the past. I don't trust anyone enough to talk openly about things, so, instead, I talk to this screen. I tell everyone, yet no one. I self medicate... I was doing well with it, but I fell back into it today. It's just how I deal with the screaming chaos in my head. I don't want to be committed to a psych ward. Do you know how bad that would be? Can you imagine how that would effect my future? In ANY job? If that came to light, I'd be nothing. Again.
So, if I could ask for your prayers and good thoughts, I'd appreciate them. I realize my shortcomings, and I want to get past them, but times like these are the times when I feel like there's not time enough to get myself 'right' and get a handle on things. The urgency of time is crippling.
Thanks.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
When You Can't Do Anything...
There are moments in life when we face real difficulties - the kind that rock your foundation. The ones where you hear the news and you sit motionless... numb. The reality hits you like a bag of bricks to the face... and yet, you can do nothing.
I've faced that sort of thing before, with the diagnosis of my father's cancer. I was young, and self absorbed. Selfish... ignorant... naive... full of my own life and the things I was headed for. There was little room for more in my life, and yet, my entire world was shaken. Walking through those 7 months were the worst of my life... and I remember each step with utter fear and anxiety. What could I do? I hadn't the capacity to be mindful of what was happening to my father, and yet, it was part of every thought. This is happening to me once again. My earthly anchor has come forward with some serious news. I'm scared. I'm numb. I'm petrified into the place I now sit. There's nothing I can do... except pray to a God who hasn't answered my deepest most longing prayers EVER. I preach a good sermon, but when the rubber meets the road, my lack of true faith comes to light every time.
All I can do is pray... it's all I have. I can't accomplish anything without Christ, and I know that. I go on day by day in my self destructive habits, fretting, thinking, worrying. I walk forward in darkness. My Light is not allowing me to see. Blindly walking by faith is all I have, and yet, I have nothing. What will I do? What can I do? Who will I turn to? Where will we all end up? Why does life have to be so difficult sometimes? I know my physical issues reflect my emotional and mental ones... it's obvious to me that we can make ourselves ill just by how we think and feel. And yet, I have no control. I'm bound like an elephant to a chain. I don't know anything of freedom... it's crippling.
My heart races. I can't control that either. I medicate, and yet it does little to soothe the hurricane in my mind. I'm teetering on the cusp of reality and the 'what ifs' that plague me. I need to be more than I am to who I love, and yet it seems so trivial. So very trivial.
Thank you for your prayers. I'm in great need, as is my family. I trust you understand I need to keep the specifics to myself, but God knows. God knows.
I've faced that sort of thing before, with the diagnosis of my father's cancer. I was young, and self absorbed. Selfish... ignorant... naive... full of my own life and the things I was headed for. There was little room for more in my life, and yet, my entire world was shaken. Walking through those 7 months were the worst of my life... and I remember each step with utter fear and anxiety. What could I do? I hadn't the capacity to be mindful of what was happening to my father, and yet, it was part of every thought. This is happening to me once again. My earthly anchor has come forward with some serious news. I'm scared. I'm numb. I'm petrified into the place I now sit. There's nothing I can do... except pray to a God who hasn't answered my deepest most longing prayers EVER. I preach a good sermon, but when the rubber meets the road, my lack of true faith comes to light every time.
All I can do is pray... it's all I have. I can't accomplish anything without Christ, and I know that. I go on day by day in my self destructive habits, fretting, thinking, worrying. I walk forward in darkness. My Light is not allowing me to see. Blindly walking by faith is all I have, and yet, I have nothing. What will I do? What can I do? Who will I turn to? Where will we all end up? Why does life have to be so difficult sometimes? I know my physical issues reflect my emotional and mental ones... it's obvious to me that we can make ourselves ill just by how we think and feel. And yet, I have no control. I'm bound like an elephant to a chain. I don't know anything of freedom... it's crippling.
My heart races. I can't control that either. I medicate, and yet it does little to soothe the hurricane in my mind. I'm teetering on the cusp of reality and the 'what ifs' that plague me. I need to be more than I am to who I love, and yet it seems so trivial. So very trivial.
Thank you for your prayers. I'm in great need, as is my family. I trust you understand I need to keep the specifics to myself, but God knows. God knows.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Living With Anxiety...
Right now my anxiety levels are skyrocketing. I'm one of those people (rare, I don't know) who stress and fret over leaving home for any more than a day. We have planned a trip to Italy for over a year now, and the time is fast approaching. My levels of anxiety grow as time draws near, and I begin to fret over the things, creatures and people I leave behind. I don't know how I came to be this way... I take a barometer from my mother, who is my earthly anchor, and who I base my mental shortcomings on. If she's dealing with it now, chances are, I'll be dealing with it in the future. Mom, however, doesn't seem to have this flaw. Mom stresses over socializing and day to day issues. I have that in my reality, but I also have this all encompassing dread of leaving home.
Right now, I'm staying awake at night worrying about my cats and the fact that they don't get along. I've aged my older cats considerably by taking in a kitten last July. He's a "circus" as mom calls him, and has a lot of energy to expend. His "spazz" moments include chasing, pouncing on, and biting my older cats. Opie and Fecus have come to accept this as a daily struggle, and try to avoid Tiny at all costs. This has no merit on how Tiny reacts to them. He is a JERK sometimes... and I'm scared I'm going to find one or both of my senior citizens dead. They have already become more skittish, less willing to be social, and seem to show signs of more arthritis as they have become less active in the reality of life with a young kitten. SIGH. What do I do? We've tried toys, a cat tree for climbing and playing, and separation. Mom suggests we leave the olders separated from Tiny in the house while we're away - leaving Tiny alone in half the house, and the olders in the other half. Ben is completely opposed. I have to say, I'm not convinced it wouldn't be best for the olders, however, Tiny would be alienated and alone for 2 weeks. I just can't find the good in that...
So, here's me... fretting. Now, this being the biggest fret I have, it is by no means the only fret I have during this time... the luggage, the house, the cost, the travel, having enough money, clothes, toiletries, and tolerance of "strangers" are all part of my struggle. I want to have a great time. This is an opportunity that not everyone has in their lifetime. I know many people who have never been where we are going, or have been. I want to be appreciative and excited. Some friends commented on how UNEXCITED I act when discussing the trip. It's not out of the ordinary for me to lack enthusiasm in any circumstance, but that's me. People who know me understand, and yet their reactions to me indicate that my mental reality is very foreign to them, and how THEY would react to my situation... I feel as though I'm alone in my anxiety and I place a burden on my loved ones from the anxiety I endure. I barely deal with others' reactions to me... it's more than my level of social etiquette can endure. That is primarily why I use humor as a tool to conceal these mental flaws.
Why do I write this all down and share my heart of hearts online? I have no idea why writing is a release for me. I have said in past blogs that I think I use this blog as a way to release without being under the scrutiny of people in the present. I know people will read this, and perhaps judge... but that allows people to also know me more, and empathize with me, or at least empathize with others with similar shortcomings.
Anyway... I could use your prayers. I told a friend recently that, once I begin the final preparations of travel, I often if not always endure severe back spasms as I begin packing and preparing the house for our absence. I can imagine this trip will have the same effect on me... and I'm not looking forward to that. There's no way of controlling it... I've tried. Medication doesn't help, although it does take an edge off. I would love to be able to overcome this and enjoy every moment of this trip... but my mental shortcomings overtake my reality and I suffer.
One thing I was looking most forward to, which was a long shot to be certain, was the idea of possibly having audience with the Pope in Rome. Ben's great aunt is a vatican nun who has worked in the Sudan for the last decade or more. She is going to be in Rome to meet Ben and me for the first time, and I'm thrilled to meet her. She thought she may have the clout to allow us an audience with the Pope, although I'm seeing less and less the possibility as our plans move forward. Being in the Vatican will be a thrill in itself, but that would have been something that I would really have cherished. Again, my sights are skewed... I know that visiting the Vatican isn't something everyone gets to do, and I should be grateful for the opportunity. I guess I was just pushing my hopes too high. Seeing Rome, Aunt Silvana, and all that goes with those things will be blessing enough.
UGH. It's a constant eb and flow of emotional instability. I can say I'm trying... although I'm failing. Please pray for me as this month of May pans out... I do need your prayers!
Right now, I'm staying awake at night worrying about my cats and the fact that they don't get along. I've aged my older cats considerably by taking in a kitten last July. He's a "circus" as mom calls him, and has a lot of energy to expend. His "spazz" moments include chasing, pouncing on, and biting my older cats. Opie and Fecus have come to accept this as a daily struggle, and try to avoid Tiny at all costs. This has no merit on how Tiny reacts to them. He is a JERK sometimes... and I'm scared I'm going to find one or both of my senior citizens dead. They have already become more skittish, less willing to be social, and seem to show signs of more arthritis as they have become less active in the reality of life with a young kitten. SIGH. What do I do? We've tried toys, a cat tree for climbing and playing, and separation. Mom suggests we leave the olders separated from Tiny in the house while we're away - leaving Tiny alone in half the house, and the olders in the other half. Ben is completely opposed. I have to say, I'm not convinced it wouldn't be best for the olders, however, Tiny would be alienated and alone for 2 weeks. I just can't find the good in that...
So, here's me... fretting. Now, this being the biggest fret I have, it is by no means the only fret I have during this time... the luggage, the house, the cost, the travel, having enough money, clothes, toiletries, and tolerance of "strangers" are all part of my struggle. I want to have a great time. This is an opportunity that not everyone has in their lifetime. I know many people who have never been where we are going, or have been. I want to be appreciative and excited. Some friends commented on how UNEXCITED I act when discussing the trip. It's not out of the ordinary for me to lack enthusiasm in any circumstance, but that's me. People who know me understand, and yet their reactions to me indicate that my mental reality is very foreign to them, and how THEY would react to my situation... I feel as though I'm alone in my anxiety and I place a burden on my loved ones from the anxiety I endure. I barely deal with others' reactions to me... it's more than my level of social etiquette can endure. That is primarily why I use humor as a tool to conceal these mental flaws.
Why do I write this all down and share my heart of hearts online? I have no idea why writing is a release for me. I have said in past blogs that I think I use this blog as a way to release without being under the scrutiny of people in the present. I know people will read this, and perhaps judge... but that allows people to also know me more, and empathize with me, or at least empathize with others with similar shortcomings.
Anyway... I could use your prayers. I told a friend recently that, once I begin the final preparations of travel, I often if not always endure severe back spasms as I begin packing and preparing the house for our absence. I can imagine this trip will have the same effect on me... and I'm not looking forward to that. There's no way of controlling it... I've tried. Medication doesn't help, although it does take an edge off. I would love to be able to overcome this and enjoy every moment of this trip... but my mental shortcomings overtake my reality and I suffer.
One thing I was looking most forward to, which was a long shot to be certain, was the idea of possibly having audience with the Pope in Rome. Ben's great aunt is a vatican nun who has worked in the Sudan for the last decade or more. She is going to be in Rome to meet Ben and me for the first time, and I'm thrilled to meet her. She thought she may have the clout to allow us an audience with the Pope, although I'm seeing less and less the possibility as our plans move forward. Being in the Vatican will be a thrill in itself, but that would have been something that I would really have cherished. Again, my sights are skewed... I know that visiting the Vatican isn't something everyone gets to do, and I should be grateful for the opportunity. I guess I was just pushing my hopes too high. Seeing Rome, Aunt Silvana, and all that goes with those things will be blessing enough.
UGH. It's a constant eb and flow of emotional instability. I can say I'm trying... although I'm failing. Please pray for me as this month of May pans out... I do need your prayers!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
What People Deserve...
I've been in the presence and in the employ of a pedophile in my life. I've never really expressed myself on the subject, and I don't know why. It was my first real job after college, and it was in my home town. There was a hushed understanding between employees of the happenings of this man, but as I was exposed to it, that was just what it was - rumors. My experience was minimal, and the reality of being new in a new world, a new career, was more important somehow than the rumors that surrounded the position.
As I was an employee of this man, I realized his quick temper, his explosive anger, and his dealings with small boys during my time at the organization. I harken back on one particular day when I saw a young boy, maybe 10 or less, who came to the establishment with said pedophile. He was withdrawn, unassuming, and scared looking to me. He followed the pedophile down to the basement, and I knew something was very wrong. Did I do anything? No... but as I sit here, I realize that what I didn't do or say has a weight that has stayed with me for years and years.
I have had a very sheltered life. I've only dealt with very minor issues when realizing the gravity of the world around me. That time of my life, I put aside in my mind the reality of what was going on, and what was - as a reality that has come to light - a very black and evil segment of society that has so often gone by the wayside.
My position in this instance is one of ignorance, for the most part... aside from rumor and for the one incident of the young boy who came to the office looking so afraid. I have never forgiven myself for not coming forward with what I thought was an issue... but it turns out, they already knew, and were investigating this pedophile for the things he had been doing for many years. I had contact - very real and personal contact - with some of the victims of this pedophile. I didn't know until after the police raided the employment establishment who those men were. Some still to this day say they were never inappropriately touched or approached. I have to believe that this is true. Others were logged in the investigation as being victims, and my heart aches for them.
As I sit here and watch another abuse case on television, my mind goes back to that moment when I looked at that little boy in our office, and his face was full of anxiety and fear. That will forever stay with me... even though I reached out to the pedophile after his apprehension... He was suicidal, and in need of Jesus. I had that to offer him, and I did. He didn't commit suicide, and I believe it was partially because of my letter. He went through trial, and was convicted, sentenced, and jailed for several years. During that time I believe he accepted Jesus as savior, and was washed from the sins of his past. I know some people won't align with that reality, but in my heart of hearts, I know that the Lord is in control, and His judgement is final.
Just a note to say that, if you see something, say something. Don't let children like the little boy who I have no name and no knowledge of aside from that brief moment when my eyes met his... don't let that stop you from standing up and saying something on behalf of those who are too small, too young, or have no voice at all to say something against what is happening to them. It means all the difference in the world to that one individual...
As I was an employee of this man, I realized his quick temper, his explosive anger, and his dealings with small boys during my time at the organization. I harken back on one particular day when I saw a young boy, maybe 10 or less, who came to the establishment with said pedophile. He was withdrawn, unassuming, and scared looking to me. He followed the pedophile down to the basement, and I knew something was very wrong. Did I do anything? No... but as I sit here, I realize that what I didn't do or say has a weight that has stayed with me for years and years.
I have had a very sheltered life. I've only dealt with very minor issues when realizing the gravity of the world around me. That time of my life, I put aside in my mind the reality of what was going on, and what was - as a reality that has come to light - a very black and evil segment of society that has so often gone by the wayside.
My position in this instance is one of ignorance, for the most part... aside from rumor and for the one incident of the young boy who came to the office looking so afraid. I have never forgiven myself for not coming forward with what I thought was an issue... but it turns out, they already knew, and were investigating this pedophile for the things he had been doing for many years. I had contact - very real and personal contact - with some of the victims of this pedophile. I didn't know until after the police raided the employment establishment who those men were. Some still to this day say they were never inappropriately touched or approached. I have to believe that this is true. Others were logged in the investigation as being victims, and my heart aches for them.
As I sit here and watch another abuse case on television, my mind goes back to that moment when I looked at that little boy in our office, and his face was full of anxiety and fear. That will forever stay with me... even though I reached out to the pedophile after his apprehension... He was suicidal, and in need of Jesus. I had that to offer him, and I did. He didn't commit suicide, and I believe it was partially because of my letter. He went through trial, and was convicted, sentenced, and jailed for several years. During that time I believe he accepted Jesus as savior, and was washed from the sins of his past. I know some people won't align with that reality, but in my heart of hearts, I know that the Lord is in control, and His judgement is final.
Just a note to say that, if you see something, say something. Don't let children like the little boy who I have no name and no knowledge of aside from that brief moment when my eyes met his... don't let that stop you from standing up and saying something on behalf of those who are too small, too young, or have no voice at all to say something against what is happening to them. It means all the difference in the world to that one individual...
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
The Lenten Season...
This time of year hasn't always been a big deal for me. Yes, I'm a Christian, but our church(es) never stressed the whole "lent" event. For those of you who may not know what Lent is, it's the 40 days before Easter Sunday, traditionally when people "prepare" themselves by giving up some part of their lives in order to "suffer as Christ did" when He was in the desert for 40 days without food or water, being tormented by satan. In my adult life, I've been one to make light of Lent, and even poke fun at people who practice it. After all, if you're trying to "suffer as Christ did," how is not eating chocolate or not eating meat ONE DAY OF THE WEEK make that happen in your mind? That's ridiculous to me, and on some levels, insulting. Christ suffered far beyond what we could ever imagine, let alone scoffing at His sacrifice by trying to be like Him in your giving up of your daily snickers bar. PFFFT.
Today, however... I have been enlightened after all the years I've put my hand up at people when they ask me if I'm giving up something for Lent. I heard another blogger's words on the radio, and I was convicted. This person allowed a perspective of filling a void with Christ... Taking something out of our "worldly routines" and replacing it in some way with the Lord. Some people give up social media - and they could instead fill that time with reading the Bible, or prayer. Some give up foods/beverages/bad habits, and could instead fill that time with paying for a meal for someone else, buying the car behind you coffee in the Tim Horton's drive thru, or volunteering. This blogger talked about how, by giving up something in your life that matters to you, that shows others your dedication to following Christ. By reducing yourself as a humble follower of Christ's leading, you are providing a way for other people to not only see your faith, but understand you and perhaps learn something about Christ along the way.
It's no easy task to take an old tradition and inspire people who have seen it from afar, and pass it off as just one silly thing those religious fanatics do. I can see where some of the people in my life would have this exact reaction. That makes it tough for someone like me who isn't one to break out the soap box and profess anything to much of anyone. Being creative about Lent could enlighten the old dogs (like me)... so I'm going to have to think about it. I imagine most of what I could do would be laughed off, shrugged away, or cause someone to just look at me like I'm nuts. I need to get my thinking shoes on and come up with something that will be just odd enough... just unique enough to get attention from the nay-sayers, and bring Christ into the conversation.
What will you give up for Lent this year? Will it only be for your own suffering, or will it inspire good things in others? I'm hoping to find that out...
Today, however... I have been enlightened after all the years I've put my hand up at people when they ask me if I'm giving up something for Lent. I heard another blogger's words on the radio, and I was convicted. This person allowed a perspective of filling a void with Christ... Taking something out of our "worldly routines" and replacing it in some way with the Lord. Some people give up social media - and they could instead fill that time with reading the Bible, or prayer. Some give up foods/beverages/bad habits, and could instead fill that time with paying for a meal for someone else, buying the car behind you coffee in the Tim Horton's drive thru, or volunteering. This blogger talked about how, by giving up something in your life that matters to you, that shows others your dedication to following Christ. By reducing yourself as a humble follower of Christ's leading, you are providing a way for other people to not only see your faith, but understand you and perhaps learn something about Christ along the way.
It's no easy task to take an old tradition and inspire people who have seen it from afar, and pass it off as just one silly thing those religious fanatics do. I can see where some of the people in my life would have this exact reaction. That makes it tough for someone like me who isn't one to break out the soap box and profess anything to much of anyone. Being creative about Lent could enlighten the old dogs (like me)... so I'm going to have to think about it. I imagine most of what I could do would be laughed off, shrugged away, or cause someone to just look at me like I'm nuts. I need to get my thinking shoes on and come up with something that will be just odd enough... just unique enough to get attention from the nay-sayers, and bring Christ into the conversation.
What will you give up for Lent this year? Will it only be for your own suffering, or will it inspire good things in others? I'm hoping to find that out...
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The Beatitudes...
My friend was asking me about these today, and I thought I would write a little...
He (Jesus) said:
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
My friend was talking to me about an off-putting writer who was discussing these traits, and felt as though the woman was making the scripture more about her own opinions rather than the words of God.
Writing about other writings is tricky. You can easily be swept up in your own thoughts and opinions, rather than trying to see the original purpose and meaning behind them. This is a stumbling point, I'm sure, for many pastors who have the job of reading scripture, and not having the original author at your fingertips to ask questions. All we have are our opinions, and those of scholars and people in the ministry who have based their lives around understanding the scripture and making them tangible for others. It's a tough balance, and I wouldn't be very good with it simply because of my opinionated personality.
What I know about the Beatitudes is that they were Jesus' words for the multitudes, trying to give them a platform on which to base their lives. He wanted people to realize that humility and grace is a choice you make on a moment by moment basis in life. It's difficult to walk in humility, meekness, peace, etc. when there are people around you who persecute. When life hands you a shit sandwich... when you'd rather slap someone across the face than be merciful. Focusing on Christ and what He taught is the only way to truly stand in these things, and find peace there.
I can say without hesitation that for me, these things have been beyond me in many ways, and it takes daily renewing of my faith and in my perspective on life and on others - by seeing people through Christ's eyes... I don't have the strength to do it all the time, but when I do, I realize the mercy and grace of Christ, and His love for all people. He blesses those who follow His guidelines for life. These are set apart from the 10 commandments. The 10 are black and white, right and wrong. These are in that big gray area in the middle... They can be applied in a lot more ways than the 10. They're in the thoughts we have... the words we say... the actions we take. These have depth. They go beyond our primary functions, and make us think about everything we do and say.
In any case, they are words to live by. Daily - hourly - moment by moment. No one can master them all, but it's a choice in life to apply them to your walk on this earth... If you do, your rewards are clearly marked, and they are promises from God to each of us who do so.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
When I don't Want to...
There are days, like this one, where I wake up feeling so miserable, that I can't even talk to God. I don't know how other people deal with this feeling, but it takes me a while to climb out of it. It's all inward... nothing outside of myself is causing the misery. I just sit and think about how awful I am, how I don't measure up. How I look terrible... my face is a mess, I'm too fat for my clothes, and I'm too lazy to do anything about any of it. I can't possibly go to church looking like this... I'm embarrassed. I don't have any power over my own choices and my own failures. It's a really discouraging thing to just sit in the midst of your own mind and talk to yourself in anger and disgust. "You're not worth anything. You're worthless. You have nothing that anyone wants. You're ugly - look at what you've done to yourself. You can't be who you want to be, so just don't try."
God's always with me. I know that. He loves me even with these flaws I focus all my energy on. But that's just not enough some days. Some days I need to find it within myself to believe it. To believe that I'm worthy. To know that I have the power to overcome. Today I can't find that. I know it's early, but I've also been through enough of these days to know that the day will pass with me sulking in my bath robe, blanking out on the chores that need doing, or thinking about how I don't want to go to work tomorrow...
I don't have a Christ based ending to this one. I usually do, but today I can't even muster that. I have a friend who posts daily on the wonderful life Christ provides... the things that he sees as stumbling blocks that we can overcome with Christ. Yes, all good. But tell me how angry you got and how long it took you to forgive... or how bitter you are and how God got you past it. Give me a real reason to believe. God never promised ease in life... He promised difficulty. I'm seeing that today. Even though it's all within my own head and heart, it's real, and it's hard. Life sucks sometimes... the uncertainty... the lack of ability to do something necessary without wondering how that's going to be done or paid for... The world is not our friend. We're all out for #1 a lot of the time. It's called survival. Talk to me about that... about the struggle. I'm tired of fighting... and I know I'm not alone.
The sun is shining. I guess I can enjoy that. And yet...
God's always with me. I know that. He loves me even with these flaws I focus all my energy on. But that's just not enough some days. Some days I need to find it within myself to believe it. To believe that I'm worthy. To know that I have the power to overcome. Today I can't find that. I know it's early, but I've also been through enough of these days to know that the day will pass with me sulking in my bath robe, blanking out on the chores that need doing, or thinking about how I don't want to go to work tomorrow...
I don't have a Christ based ending to this one. I usually do, but today I can't even muster that. I have a friend who posts daily on the wonderful life Christ provides... the things that he sees as stumbling blocks that we can overcome with Christ. Yes, all good. But tell me how angry you got and how long it took you to forgive... or how bitter you are and how God got you past it. Give me a real reason to believe. God never promised ease in life... He promised difficulty. I'm seeing that today. Even though it's all within my own head and heart, it's real, and it's hard. Life sucks sometimes... the uncertainty... the lack of ability to do something necessary without wondering how that's going to be done or paid for... The world is not our friend. We're all out for #1 a lot of the time. It's called survival. Talk to me about that... about the struggle. I'm tired of fighting... and I know I'm not alone.
The sun is shining. I guess I can enjoy that. And yet...
Friday, January 17, 2014
Difficulty...
I'm a difficult person to get along with. I know this... over the years I've understood this through loss of friendship and loss of work. I'm aggressive... opinionated... bold. I tell you what you don't want to hear. I'm not graceful with my words most of the time... it's just who I am. Sometimes it's okay... sometimes I lose friends because of it. I'm grateful for the people who still consider me a friend despite my aggression.
I recently lost a friend in this type of situation. I was aggressed against in a text that wasn't supposed to be sent to me... and I reacted. Poorly. I apologized, but in the end, it wasn't my aggression that halted the friendship. It was hers. I couldn't trust that person any more. I can't believe she's my friend when she would say things like she said behind my back. It just doesn't work for me that way. As I said before I aggressed toward this person "most of my friendships are based on loyalty. '
I see myself as a very loyal friend. One who would go above and beyond to help, support, give to a friend. It's that old "give you the shirt off my back" thing. I'd do that. I still do that. It's me. I realized in the low point of this previous friendship that the feeling/loyalty wasn't mutual. It hurts knowing that. We were friends since high school... and now... we're not. It takes a lot for me to walk away, but being betrayed verbally is something I don't tolerate. I'm a human being, and I reacted in that manor. Now, I work on a daily basis with the reality that I have someone within feet of me who once cared about me but has since disregarded me as a valuable human being in her life. How can that not hurt?
Meanwhile, back at reality... I understand the truth behind 'quality vs. quantity'. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do are spot on. They love me, and I love them. I would give them the shirt off my back, and they would do the same for me. I love that reality. I'm a blessed person to have the friends I do. No one can take them away from me.
So, when you're building your Facebook friend numbers, realize this: there are only a very few people who deserve the love and care you give them. They will show you in time who they are. It doesn't take a major life crisis... it takes time. Building on the friendships you have had is worth the time you have to give them. Be all you can be to the friends you have, because they're worth it. I found that out the hard way... more than once.
I recently lost a friend in this type of situation. I was aggressed against in a text that wasn't supposed to be sent to me... and I reacted. Poorly. I apologized, but in the end, it wasn't my aggression that halted the friendship. It was hers. I couldn't trust that person any more. I can't believe she's my friend when she would say things like she said behind my back. It just doesn't work for me that way. As I said before I aggressed toward this person "most of my friendships are based on loyalty. '
I see myself as a very loyal friend. One who would go above and beyond to help, support, give to a friend. It's that old "give you the shirt off my back" thing. I'd do that. I still do that. It's me. I realized in the low point of this previous friendship that the feeling/loyalty wasn't mutual. It hurts knowing that. We were friends since high school... and now... we're not. It takes a lot for me to walk away, but being betrayed verbally is something I don't tolerate. I'm a human being, and I reacted in that manor. Now, I work on a daily basis with the reality that I have someone within feet of me who once cared about me but has since disregarded me as a valuable human being in her life. How can that not hurt?
Meanwhile, back at reality... I understand the truth behind 'quality vs. quantity'. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do are spot on. They love me, and I love them. I would give them the shirt off my back, and they would do the same for me. I love that reality. I'm a blessed person to have the friends I do. No one can take them away from me.
So, when you're building your Facebook friend numbers, realize this: there are only a very few people who deserve the love and care you give them. They will show you in time who they are. It doesn't take a major life crisis... it takes time. Building on the friendships you have had is worth the time you have to give them. Be all you can be to the friends you have, because they're worth it. I found that out the hard way... more than once.
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