Christmas Time Is Here...

What can one say about the Christmas season in 2012? For me, it hasn't been a big hit so far... but alas, I will be heading to the stores tomorrow to finish off this season's shopping. I dread it, but I'm also enlivened by it. My passion is giving... my Gift as far as my Christ-like gifts, is giving, and it brings me more joy than anything else. To know I'm making someone smile, to bring a laugh, a tear of gratitude, a moment of pure enjoyment... that's what I live for. It takes many forms: from your standard gift giving to a moment of wise counsel, or the gift of sharing your home with a needy creature. I love every second of it, and it's what gives me hope for tomorrow.

This time of year I also see the lousy side of humanity. The people who loathe the holidays, and do everything in their power to ruin someone else's day... the commercialism that runs rampant from Halloween to new year's day... it's sad really. To spoil Christ's birthday with all of the rubbish of forcible gift exchange makes Christ's birth take a back seat to Santa's impending visit. Not that I don't wish I could sit on Santa's lap and share a photo with people of the silliness, but that's outside of my point. What is it worth, all of this hustle and over indulgence? Sharing the holidays with family and sitting together, longing to be elsewhere, or wishing the gift was better because what you received was more than what you spent... Trying to sit through a meal with people who may as well be strangers as family because of the year-long turmoil that wracks your family's relationships? It doesn't seem worth it, and I understand full well why people get depressed this time of year. I'm there in ways...

I watch friends who revel in the holiday spirit - decking their halls with loveliness and cheeky Santas just because they can and it's fun... baking until their storehouses are filled to the brim, hoping to share their bounty with friends and family who rarely make an appearance outside of this time of year. There's a moment of hope in these people, because no matter what, they love Christmas time, and want to make the most of it - if not for their loved ones, for themselves... I wonder if they feel fulfilled in what they accomplish, and hope that they're happy in all of the fussing they do.

Myself, even though I love to give, Christmas time is difficult. It is a result of missing my father, missing gift exchange because monetary limitations require it to be so for most of us, the anticipation of 'having to give' when you know your funds just don't allow it. I find my frugality outweighs my giving at times. Although I want to bless, I also want to save. How does that work?! It doesn't. You either do or you don't. No middle ground. So, out of my need to spend, I do so, wanting to give to all to my loved ones. If I don't open my doors, there is no Christmas. If I don't make the meal, there is only a step-meal where my brother won't go, and where we're just part of a crowd where we don't feel anything but anxiety even though everyone does their very best to make us feel like family. I don't want my family to not have Christmas together... and I'm very much alone in that reality. I live with family who can't get past their limitations in order to rise above and do the right thing. I live with the reality that, if I don't do, it won't get done. I dislike my reality, but it is what it is. I cannot change anyone but myself in this season. I choose to bless by opening my doors, making a meal and making sure my family has a place to go on Christmas day. It's not easy, but it is what my position in my family is.

All that to say, Christmas isn't easy... it's a time of giving, a time of sharing, a time of blessing. It can be a wonderful time of year, and should be for that matter. I must remove myself from my situation in order to realize what I have, what I can give, and what it is to be part of a season where not everyone has a place to go at Christmas, a family to share love and gifts with, a warm home to feel safe in. When you boil it down to what it really is, it seems silly that we become as anxious as we do. Myself included. How many moments of horror and ugliness in our world does it take to break us from what mindset we have, into a realization that we have it really good? I can't say that I don't get bogged down with all of it, but there comes a moment when you have to step back, look at the big picture, and say "man, my life is easy compared to..."

Don't let the World's Season get in the way of what this holiday is all about. It's about a savior, born for our salvation - born into humanity to take our sins away, and bring us out of the 'world' into a new life of love and forgiveness. Take time to breathe that in. Take a moment to step outside of your circumstances to look at what this season is really about - it's about the gift of life... the gift of everlasting life to those who choose it. The forgiveness of sins and the promise of an eternal life in heaven. Be blessed this season. Be more than a giver - be a receiver of the blessings of Christ. Be a reveler in the joys of a holy birth - a supernatural moment in time that brings us all the opportunity for so much more. Remind yourself that Christmas doesn't have to be the hustle and bustle, but a time of reflection and joy. Bring Christ back into Christmas.

A Prayer for the Broken...

I stand back and watch the world around me sometimes and it makes me so sad. All of the things our country has been enduring seems to indicate that the end is near. One can only hope. There are times when I ponder the thought processes of the people who have committed these acts of evil, and I can't seem to wrap my head around what they must be living with that would cause them to act out in these ways. I suppose most people do the same - try to understand. There are just some people in this world who are bent on doing harm to others, for whatever reason they justify it with. We can't begin to know the inner thoughts of these people. They may have endured tragic circumstances that have pushed them over the edge of reason. They may have mental disorders, been abused, bullied, abandoned... we just don't know what makes them tick. I see it as a part of our lives that we can't and won't understand. God knows, and He understands, but it's too much for us as human beings to fully comprehend.

As for this latest tragedy in CT, all I can do is shake my head. It goes without saying that this is far more than any of those families should face. There was no reason, and it baffles me as to why someone would want to purpose to harm an innocent child. I know there is a special place for people like that in hell, but I pull back when I feel that way, not wanting that anyone should endure that most horrific place. In the end, I have to leave it in God's hands. He tells us to leave revenge to Him, and allow His wrath to take the place of our own. That's difficult to do, but at the same time, in this case, it has already been handed down. We have no say in the matter. We can only turn our anger and fear into pity and empathy.

And so I pray...

Lord, you know what has happened, and saw it before it was even a thought in that man's mind. You know all of the lost, and have them in Your mighty hand. All of the tears shed are in your hand as well, and we take comfort in knowing You are in control of all things. We wish we could understand why things like this happen, and we long for a peace and comfort that only You can give. Please Lord, extend your merciful hand to each one of those who are suffering now. Please allow them to experience your grace and mercy first hand, and feel Your presence in their midst. Don't allow the anger and fear to hinder one moment of their lives. Bless the little children who survived, and the teachers, parents, caregivers, loved ones, and community who no doubt are bearing the burden of uncertainty, confusion, and loss. Please bless the souls of all the lost, and let Your will be done according to Your perfect timing. Thank you Lord... we cling to the faith we have in these times of struggle, and wait for a time when Your perfect kingdom will stand on earth, as it is in heaven.

In your precious name we pray, Amen.

When To Say When...

I'm having trouble formulating my thoughts today. I've been under quite a bit of stress and have felt mentally exhausted for several days. The time has come to make a final decision on the dog we've been caring for since September, and the decision has been more difficult than any thus far in my adult life.

I've never owned my own dog. We had German Shepherds growing up, but I've never made decisions for their care. Now, I'm finding the need to remove myself from the care of this dog, Loki. We received him into our home after severe incidents in his life where his owner and another person were not fit to care for him. As we've gone along week after week, we've noticed an increase in Loki's aggression. First, it was with the veterinarian, then with friends and relatives, then us directly. The anxiety, fear, and pain Loki has gone through has been beyond what any animal should bear. He's had a rough road, and even as much as we've given, it seems as though we aren't enough.

When does the moment come when you realize you can't achieve the goal you so whole heartedly intended? For me, it was today. The aggressive moment today took everything I had, and brought me to a place where I had to say 'when.' I hate that moment. I hate it with all of my being. No one wants to admit they can't do something... it's not a feeling you want to face. Why can't I make what I want happen, happen? What's wrong with ME that this issue can't be resolved within my means, my abilities, my love? I've given my whole heart to this dog... and he returns my love with anger and undue aggression. There's nothing more I can give. We've given time, love, excellent care... to what end? At this point, Loki's last resort - the very last resort for any animal - is Lollipop Farm. Today he would have been euthanized, but instead my beloved insisted on giving him every opportunity available and made an appointment to surrender Loki to Lollipop. My heart aches. I don't want to burden others with an animal who could potentially hurt someone. I know Lollipop goes through this daily, and their care is more than what we could ever give. They have resources that we don't have, and the hope, though very dim, is all we have to cling to as Loki's life hangs in the balance. We've grown to love this dog... he's part of our lives. We give him all we have - we stay home to work or shorten our work days more often than not in order to give him love and security. All we've sacrificed - all the people who have given money toward his care - comes down to this. It's not fair.

Animals, especially dogs like Loki, can't seem to come back from the wrong that's been done to them. We don't trust Loki with much of anything aside from his own breathing. He's an abused creature. He's broken... and fixing him will take so much more than we can even think. Our best hope would be that a rescue organization would take him on and rehabilitate him, but there is so much need in this area... there's "no room at the inn" so to speak. So much effort has gone forward - time, money, love, stress, medical and emotional care... it has been overwhelming in ways. Every day is a new one... yet, every day comes with additional anxiety, need, and uncertainty.

It pains me greatly to 'give up' on Loki. I've been told time after time to think of myself before the dog. Think of my own well being and forego his. I can't easily do that... it isn't in my nature. I know many people go through the same issues, and have the same struggles. It's not easy to make that decision. I've been crying all day, and so has Ben. We still have a week to go before Lollipop can take Loki, but the end is in sight, and it breaks our hearts to leave something we've come to love in the hands of another who may very well decide his life isn't worth saving...

Please keep us in prayer this week as we make Loki's life as lovely as possible, and take as much time and care as we possibly can in order to make sure we feel fulfilled in his care. It's more us than it is him, but even in that, to give up is just so difficult. Thank you to all of you who have prayed and given. It wasn't for nothing... he's had a great life while he's been with us. He received that because of all of our care and feelings of responsibility for his life. Thank you for your help in that.

Fear...

I've never prided myself on much in life. The book I put together of my dad's time in Vietnam was a pride moment... the way I've been able to become more patient over time has been another... and the fact that I have fear of very little. I've always been brave in tough situations, and have been able to think clearly when no one else around me could think at all. Once while volunteering at an animal shelter, I had two dogs out at the same time. One had run off, as they tended to do, and one was with me. The one with me was a very large, very aggressive black lab mix who had lived all of his life in a junk yard setting. He hated everything that moved. He loved being outside, so I would make sure all animals were put away before letting him out with me. Well, that day I made a big mistake. As the smaller dog returned from running off, the big black lab went for it and attacked him. My lack of fear allowed me to run to them, pull them apart, and walk the smaller dog into the shelter for help (he'd had severe cuts to his chest). I never thought twice. I never had a moment of fear... and I felt good to know that I at least saved that little dog's life.

Right now I'm afraid. This situation with my dog has become a fearful endeavor and I'm coming to a point where I need to make serious decisions and it's terrifying. Recently he's become aggressive out of the blue. I don't know what's triggering it. Obviously he had a rough life before I acquired him - having an abusive owner, being maimed with an axe, being neglected and left outside to fend for himself. He has it good here, and I've always been one to bend over backward for animals in need. I never thought there would ever be an animal that, if I applied myself and my love, I couldn't save and make into a wonderful pet.

The acts of aggression have made me think very hard on what I'm doing here. I've never been afraid of this dog, but there have been moments where he's lashed out at me for one reason or another - mainly for caring for his injury or his infection. Monday I became afraid. While we were at the vet for the fifty sixth time (not really, but we've gone at least once a week for 3 months now) the vet checked his previously infected ear and he went ballistic. He had a muzzle on, thanks to the recent aggression he'd shown while there for other appointments. It was a very good thing, because it took everything I had to hold him back from attacking her, muzzle or no. He was bent on causing harm. She told me she's changed her mind on him - that she thought he would become a good dog and had great potential, but at this point, she sees him just becoming more and more aggressive. My heart broke. It didn't occur to me that there would be a time when, after putting so much effort forward, he could turn into a bad dog. It doesn't make sense, but then... with animals it's always a crap shoot. You never know what you're going to get...

In any case... I know what fear feels like and it's not pretty. I know what fear looks like and it's even uglier. I hear from everyone around me how we need to be aware of our limitations - both monetary and human - and consider what we're able to do versus what our hearts want. It's baffling to me to find myself here, when before I was so sure of myself. I guess the level of pride I've had got ahead of the reality I live in. I'm not a dog whisperer. I know a lot, but I don't have the skills to magically change an animal. I wish I did. Good grief, you don't know how much I wish I did. But, I can't. And now I'm caught with my heart in one place and my head stuck in the reality of what's really happening. This feels really awful.

What Do You Say?

I've experienced an upswing in discussions about God lately. I've had a few that deal with Jehovah's Witness beliefs. I'm not a knowledgeable enough Christian to feel confident in 'arguing' my position, but most of my discussions weren't arguments. I try to maintain my stand while allowing an attitude of freedom between the parties in the conversation, so as to not squelch a potential for questions to be answered in faith.

It's hard to know what to say sometimes in these conversations. People are searching me for answers, or for what I believe, and I have a very hard time putting things into words. So much of what my faith is resides in my heart and my mind, and rarely gets expressed outwardly. I know that's probably not good... but it's what I am. One thing Ben always says attracted him to me was my steadfastness in my faith - my resoluteness in my beliefs. That goes without saying. I've never wavered on what I believe. It was what I was raised with. I know some may think that I never had opportunity to believe what "I" wanted to believe, but honestly I've had more than enough opportunity to seek out other versions of faith. I've looked into other 'religions' and what they believe, but I've never looked into them with any feeling of need or searching for answers. I have the answers... there's no other truth out there, at least for me. There are times when I think about the people who have a faith like the terrorist extremists. I wonder if their strength in faith is similar to what I feel. I'm sure it has been a part of their lives since birth, and that what they have in their hearts is as strong or stronger than what I have. I can't speak for them, but I understand their position in that I know how strongly I believe in my God.

Anyway, these conversations have been something that sticks with me. I pray over things and pray in the middle of it asking God to shut my mouth and allow His words to be spoken. I don't feel the confidence I would like to, but that will come with continued study and understanding of the Bible. It's a long road, and I'll never stop learning... but that's not a bad thing. As long as I anticipate God's words to be given through me, all I can do is my best.

Do any of you have times when you feel strongly about your position, but can't express it in words enough to feel good about how you've presented your position? It's a struggle for me. I want to be not only a source of God's knowledge and love, but of clear answers about what we as Christians stand for.

Just thinking out loud...

Exercises in Patience...

They say that patience is earned... from struggles, through trials, and over time. Much time. I remember never praying for patience, because I was instructed that the Lord gives you more trials to get you to be more patient. That was not something I ever wanted, so I avoided it completely. As I age, ever so swiftly, I realize that my life is filled with patience-moments... I'm not sure when my patience became strong. I've noticed often in the last year that I don't react nearly so intensely as I used to. I guess the last couple of years have brought me through enough to where I've gained ground in this arena, and have achieved more than I realized. 

I often have moments at my work where patience is brought into focus. Not so much my personal patience as my boss's. We share a friendship that has lasted since high school, and so our relationship is one not only of officer and peon, but of listener, advisor, and joker. She says she needs patience... don't we all? But I usually tag her with "patience is earned..." and so it goes. She inspires me with her diligence, faithfulness, and ability to maintain relationships with people of widely varied personalities and circumstances. Her patience is tested daily at work... and it's hard for her to get beyond some things day in and day out. I feel as though my presence isn't only for the one person who was so obviously in need, but perhaps for her blessing as well. Lately she's gone to church with friends who have a strong faith base. I applaud her for her attendance. She's quiet about it, but I have to believe she's blessed when she goes. 

In any case, things hit us daily that require our action or reaction. It isn't always something we think about before doing - but as patience builds, we tend to think first and act second. As I mentioned today on Facebook, I was hit with a nasty moment this morning. We were preparing to rake the yard, and our new family member (dog) was on his lead line outside with us. I began, and our 'good rake' snapped right off after maybe 10 strokes. DAMNIT. Then, as I went into the yard, the dog's lead wrapped around my ankles and as I tried to 'hop' out of the tangle, I completely took a digger into a pile of poop. My whole arm was coated... and I was not too happy. Fortunately I didn't take anything out on anyone, but simply lifted my arm to show Ben, and got myself up and out of the mess. I laughed at my circumstance, and calmly walked into the house to wash up. Not the reaction everyone would have, but I can say I'm a better person for the peacefulness I've gained in my inner being. The faster you let things go, the faster you can move back into a position of joy. 

Patience is the hardest virtue to obtain, in my opinion. It's always strengthened in trials... there are no sunny days that bring it to fulfillment. It's the tough places where patience is learned. A calm sea never made a good sailor... (learned that one in my devotional). 

Try to see your struggles as more than that. Harken back on things you've gotten through, and look at who you are now as a result. I'm betting you'll find that you have a stronger back, and possibly a more joyful and loving heart. 

What it takes to love...

The recent weeks have taught me a lot about what it takes to love. I've had a lot of circumstances that required more of me than usual. Often I look at these types of things with a heavy sigh, but today I can say that those moments of hesitation have been worth the effort.

Not being a parent, I've known that my life has been much easier than most. What I've found is a new appreciation for the things that require all of you, and all of your attention and time. Caring for a dog is so much more than caring for cats! The time invested has been a reality that I'm not sure I was ready for... Alas, here we are in the midst of it. Getting up at 7 a.m. On Saturday is tough when you're used to sleeping until at least 9 .... But, the end result I want is way bigger than me. I want to make a difference, and I know what I'm doing will allow that.

Beside me is a man of high priority and sensitive heart. He loves my passionate heart, and has become a part of my passion. I believe each of us can make a difference in the lives of others, but it does take dedication. I say that as my beloved counterpart snores next to me, anticipating his team playing during the Sunday night game... He may never see the game!

I want to be a voice. I want to be heard, but if my voice is only heard by the animals my life impact, I will still feel successful. Be the voice... It's worth it.

Thoughts for Today...

This week has been one of successes and failures. I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs. I'll try to put it all into words, because I feel like I need to get it out.

What I do for a living right now is manual labor... and it wears on me emotionally and physically. I'm doing inventory right now, and by 4 p.m. each day, I'm spent. I can't think straight, nor do I trust myself to make accurate counts or revisions. I've joked about it to my colleagues, but it's a reality. What I've gained this week has been an increase in provision, as well as an increase in understanding of my work, and the potential to be more within it. I'm grateful to be a blessing to them, and to have the favor of the owners. To have a trust that not many have, even with one person, is valid, and important. To be able to feel valued and trusted is something I don't think I've felt in my previous jobs. I can say that it feels good, and that I'm blessed in what I'm doing.

Sometimes I don't trust myself with my emotions. I end up overwhelmed a lot, thinking and over thinking about things in my life that sometimes deserve my attention, and sometimes should just be passed off as trivial. This week, today for the most part, has been emotionally charged. Today marks 22 years since my dad passed away. He died on a friday, and it struck me harder than usual this year. I miss him, but rarely dwell on it like I do on October 5. Today I was in tears as work started, and my friend Phil at work knew I was struggling. He is the person I knew I was supposed to impact when I started this job. The Lord gave me that sense immediately when I stepped into the building to fill out the application. Since then, I've gained Phil's trust, and believe that I've impacted him in a positive way for God's glory.

This week I decided to help Phil with a dog he's been 'given'. He's had this dog for 2 weeks, and the dog came from an abusive home - one in which the owner was jailed for killing his last dog. He knew he could not have the dog, and risked a return trip to jail, so he gave the dog to Phil, who had a big enough heart to accept the dog into his home. It's been a challenge, to say the least, because the dog came to him with a significant injury that should be operated on. The dog is a sweet spirited German Shepherd, and Phil and I both agree he deserves a chance at life. So, I've placed a posting on GoFundMe.com, which has seen a few donations thus far (go see it if you can - I've posted it on my FB page). Today I received enough funding to get the dog a second opinion at another vet, and hopefully we will have a success story to share soon. Meanwhile, Phil has trusted me with not only this dog and the support I was willing to give, but with a very significant issue he's been struggling with. I was able to support him verbally, and listen to him as he shared. He's making strides in this world, and he's making strides in his faith, and I'm thrilled with that...

All that to say that I'm dealing with my emotional well being, and dealing with my passion for animals and with what the Lord has placed on my heart, and life. I have to trust Him, because it's within me to do so. Some of the pastors who I listen to don't believe that we will see animals in heaven. I tend to disagree, but solely out of my passion for them, and my need to feel as though God cares for them as much as I do. He's placed this within me, so if He doesn't see them as worthy, why would he have done that? I'm conflicted.

Writing this out has allowed me the time and peace to bring these things forward... to show them to you all... and to iron out the wrinkles of my conflicted soul. I am here to glorify God. I'm here to make a difference in the lives of people AND animals. I have done these things, and will continue to do so until my dying day. It's all I have, and I want to use all I have to be a success in this life. I'm called for more, and I want to be more. I'm called to serve, and I want to stand tall at the end of it all, and hear the Lord say "well done, my good and faithful servant!" That is my goal. What's yours?

What Creeps Me Out...

Okay, I'm writing today because I can, and I want to. Bottom line, I like to express myself in word. I'm better at writing than speaking. I've had classes in public speaking, and honestly, it was lost on me. I have friends who feel the same way, but have gone so far as to take classes to further their public speaking savvy. I'm not that gal... I gain a lot from my husband Ben who has become a very skilled professional in the ways of both public speaking and teaching. He could be a wonderful teacher if he wanted to. But, as this is my blog, I'm speaking for myself, and thus choose this medium instead of being out in front of a group who is staring at me, wondering what on earth I just said.

Today I had a situation that made me feel less than comfortable. I don't know if you've ever experienced something that made you feel extremely uneasy, but I did today, and I wanted to share. It wasn't out of the ordinary for me to travel into areas of the county/area that are less than perfect. One might describe them as low brow, back woods, ungodly, or perhaps freakishly out of the ordinary. It wasn't something I expected, because often I travel into these areas that are known as "the sticks." Once I passed the specific address, I turned around, and rolled into the driveway. Some of the people I know would have been severely put out by even venturing into this place, but like I said, it wasn't out of the ordinary for where I travel for work.

The feeling of despair came over me. The visual took me aback. House in disrepair; children in the driveway who seemed unkept, dirty, and poor; trash everywhere. There were stacks of old tires, broken and unused items piling up near the trees/house/garage... and a feeling of overwhelming evil. I was shocked frankly, because I've never experienced this feeling on my routes thus far. It was something new, and I didn't like it at all.

As I stepped out of the car, I noticed an adult who seemed uncomfortable with the sight of a 'stranger.' I tend to walk boldly, and have known that by doing this, you ward off the idea that you're weak and easily overcome. The transaction was not out of the ordinary - familiar enough for me to feel somewhat comfortable standing and waiting for the man to finish writing out a check for me. I walked away feeling as though I shouldn't have my back to this person, as the children suddenly disappeared and I was there alone with this man. I came away with a completely overwhelming feeling of evil. I'm not used to that, and it frightened me.

I know that I represent a Light in these situations, and cling ever so tightly to that reality in times such as this. I hope that my light was evident, but it will always be unknown if it truly was. One thing is for certain - I don't plan on going there ever again. I'm not strong enough to handle whatever was there. I fear for the well being of the children, and the man I interacted with. I have no idea what it was that brought these feelings about, but I know it wasn't good.

I trust in God to preserve my going out and my coming in... it says I can trust Him with that in the Bible. Thank GOD. I'm not one to linger on bad things like this, but I haven't been able to shake the feeling I got while I was there, but I don't intend to keep it with me as I go forward tomorrow during my full day of work, or from here on. I just needed to express it and to warn my readers. Not everywhere you go is safe and comfortable. Not everyone you come into contact with is good and trustworthy. Just be aware of your circumstances and know that the Lord guides you through even the most ugly of situations...

Obedience...

Does God ever talk to you in a way that you KNOW it's Him? Is there ever a time when you just know that you've heard from the Lord? I do... and it's really amazing. Once, years ago, I was heading to church with my mother. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular that I recall. Two numbers dropped into my mind. 7 and 6. I thought 'that's odd...' and then said a small prayer "Jesus, show me what that means, and let it be clear." Within a week I received a check in the mail from some savings my uncle had left to me. The total of the check was $767.76. I knew when I saw that number, that He was speaking to me in my giving, and I handed that check over to the church with a note about what had transpired. It was magic to me. My spiritual gift is giving, and it does me so much good to be able to give to a cause or to someone in need. It makes me feel alive.

This week I had the Lord speak to me again. I was driving to a volunteer event that I take part in. I wasn't thinking about much of anything - once again. And once again, someone dropped into the forefront of my mind. Immediately after that person came to mind, a sum of money came to mind as well. That money hadn't been earmarked for anything specific, but I had been holding onto it to perhaps purchase a used exercise bike, or some new shoes (SHOOOOEEESSSS!!!) I knew right away, however, that the Lord wanted to use me and that money to bless that someone who came to mind. The lessons I learn in these instances are the lessons of obedience. I know that obedience is my biggest outward profession of faith. If I obey, I'm blessed. That's just how God works it. So, feeling slightly excited at the idea of being a blessing, I wrote a note to the person, not being sure of how they'd receive what I had to say... but believing the Lord was in control of the situation... I obeyed. I handed the note in an envelope to the person yesterday. I said 'don't open it now.' When prompted further, I said, 'you can't tell anyone about it... until my funeral.' and we laughed. Today I saw that person at a local eatery. Never had I thought that I'd see them there, but I happened to be there having lunch with my mother. They said "I owe you a hug." and we embraced. And further said "Thank you, Christy. I really appreciate it." I didn't have words, and my mother was waiting for me, so we left it at that. I know I'll have a chance to discuss what the Lord did once I see them again, but the moment didn't require words. They know my faith, and now they know my heart, and my commitment to being obedient to the Lord. I know that it will manifest what it needs to for that person, and it gives me a deep sense of joy to be a part of that.

When I started the job I have now, the first day on the job I knew I was there to bless this person. I knew he was there and I was there at the same time for God's purposes, and I had to wait until this week to have it manifest itself into a tangible blessing. I shared what had taken place with my mother once I sat down after the brief exchange. She was blessed as well. To know her children have grown to be listeners and obeyers of the Lord brings her great joy.  On a side note, this person has just recently found out that he will be a father for the fourth time, that his wife lost her job to layoffs, and just this week his only vehicle was repossessed out of the parking lot at work, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. He's often very angry, and has trouble coping with difficulties, so those things were present in the depths of my mind when the Lord called on me to give.

I was thinking about a verse in the bible that indicates that, if we have even the smallest bit of faith, we can move mountains. I was always troubled by that verse, because I took it literally. I thought, 'sure, if my faith was that of Moses or David in the bible, I probably COULD move a mountain... but it isn't, and I haven't.' But, the epiphany I had this week was that the mountains I can move aren't made of stone, but of flesh. I can move a heart toward God by being obedient in what He calls me to do. I moved a 'stoney heart' toward knowing Him more deeply, and seeing Him work through me. It's really a brilliant thing to be a part of. Hopefully I will get to see more as I go forward in faith.

It isn't always easy to be obedient. It takes a lot of strength to step out of what you know to be true in the world, and put your money down on the 'possible.' I encourage you to try it... to believe in God's promises, and open your heart to what He would have of you. You won't find a greater joy...

I Did It For Me...

It's funny sometimes, when I think about the things I do... and how different they are from "normal people." I wonder if my friends and family see me as odd or strange. Honestly, as time has passed, I've realized how little other people's opinions matter to me. I have my days, don't get me wrong... especially if someone I really care for has questioned me in some way. I want my relationships to be sturdy and honest. I don't shy away from controversy, nor do I pick fights, at least, for the most part. My true passions come out sometimes, and for those who know me, you know I will never back down from what means so much to me.

Today as I was working in the village, I passed a kitten who had been hit by a car. She (I didn't notice the gender, so for the sake of argument, I'll call it a 'she') was dead, and lying at the side of a village street that I frequent. My heart grew sad, and I prayed for the Lord to bless its little soul... and drove by. I do that all day long, as I travel around the county. Praying for the animals who have been struck and killed by a passing car. You can probably imagine how often I stop my mind and pray. Today was no different, and every time I do that, my heart aches a little for each life lost. My friends know that my passion is animals, and that I pour my heart and soul into their care and safety, as well as fight outwardly against things such as factory farming and animal abuse in general. It's not only my heart, but my income, my voice, and my spirit that goes into these things full force.

I passed the kitten several times today, even noting it to a coworker who needed to be driven back to the store. I pondered quite a bit, noticing that there are many stray cats - an epidemic in Albion - and the fact that no one was claiming the kitten, or caring to scoop her up and bury her. I decided that I would. Once I finished work, I took a small box with me, and headed down the street. I got out, feeling a bit anxious about the people who may notice what I was doing. I knelt down and picked her lifeless body up, stowed her in the box, and brought her home. No tears were shed... I think I mainly cry if I actually see an animal killed or injured. Like last month when I struck a deer. I was sure she was dead, but she wasn't. I sobbed uncontrollably, and suddenly she got up and bounded away. I don't know if she lived long or not, but it helped me heal seeing her run away.

When I got home, I got a shovel and took the box with the kitten down behind our home. There's a vacant area below a deck where nothing grows, and where we don't have any real activity. I was bombarded with the neighbor's dogs barking at me as I dug the hole... and thought maybe it would be good for the young neighbor girl to know what I was up to... but I left it alone. It was me and the kitten and God at that point. Once she was buried I came up and took a few swigs of something to calm me down, as I notice after I do something like this, I find my hands are trembling terribly. I sat down and took a few minutes to be still... didn't ask God for anything, or tell Him anything. He knows where my heart is, because He made it. He made me this way, and He knows what He wants to do with it in my life. I struggle to understand the immense pain it causes me to know of the overwhelming number of animals who lose their lives every day, but He doesn't. He knows, and He will show me when the time is right. Until then...

At my old job I used to pick up the worms on the sidewalks after a rain... I know people thought I was strange, but I didn't care. I was just being me. I've stopped along side many a road to help a turtle out of the middle of the street, so it wouldn't die. I'll always do that, because that's what my heart says is right.

So, as you read this and think of me as odd or strange, try to see it in another light. Try to see me as someone who values all life. Someone who will fight for the creatures who cannot speak for themselves. Try to see it in a way that broadens your perception of people and of God's creatures. And thanks for not teasing me to my face... I appreciate it :)

As Life Moves On...

Lately I've been witness to a lot of parents readying for the graduation of their children. Be it high school, middle school, kindergarten, pre K, or whatever they're facing, all of them are brimming with pride. It's a beautiful thing to see. The hard work of not only the kids', but the parents' work coming to fruition.

What I take away from all of that is this: no matter what stage of life you're in, there is pride and joy in each step. The realities not only of parents, but of people like myself who aren't parents, can be a source of encouragement and joy to us as we walk through them in faith. I'm sure if I was to delve into discussions with these people on the mountains moved in order to get to where they are now, they'd have stories that I would be taken back to realize. I'd like to know - and it would take some research - the biggest hurdles that each of us have faced, and overcome, in order to be where we are now. I think obviously the hurdles would vary greatly in each of us. Seniors in high school might reach back in their minds of the struggles with bullying, or the strain of passing each year in school. Perhaps even the boundaries placed in their lives for their own good... as we all know, the youth know it all, so the boundaries are all unnecessary... but have built them into the strong willed people they are now. Maybe a kindergartener would think for a moment, only to say they made a friend out of someone who they used to dislike... but then, that might be way too cerebral for a kindergartener. I wonder what my friends who have graduating children would say... would the hurdles be a distant gray mist in their minds on a day like graduation day? Would the issues of rearing a quality child outweigh the joy of the moment where that child walked head on into the next stage of life? I hear women say that childbirth is such an awful struggle, but the moment that child is placed into their arms, the pain disappears from memory. I wonder if it's like that with a stage of life like graduation, or a first grandchild, or of any other stage that comes along. I suspect that the people I know who are in tears over this graduation day may say yes, all of these things bring so much joy, that everything hard along the way pales in comparison.

We can all have a life of joyous new beginnings. Being a non-parent, I tend to see things more broadly, and have a different perspective than that of the parent who is in the midst of turmoil regarding a child. Life for me is a broad road - one that has so many facets, trials and turns, and I reflect heavily on each of them. I think and dwell many hours on things that are big picture - long term - what will become of this or that... what will happen if this or that should occur... it can be overwhelming. But, I know my life is so much easier in ways than that of people who have chosen to be parents. In some instances, it isn't, but in others, it really is.

In any case, what my take away from this is, we all have stages of life that we face. Some are joyous, and some are heart wrenching. Life has its trials, and each of us have to face them head on. Some go ahead timidly, and others go boldly. I tend to be timid in times of change and trial. I also tend to over think things to a fault. What I know is that I'm in the midst of a life change made by God. He's placed me into a life that forces me to face the life HE wants from me. I haven't ever seen my life as being 'for His glory.' That's what life is for me as a Christian. It isn't about what I want out of life, but what will glorify Him. I know I'm doing my best to glorify Him in my life right now. I never have before, and I realize that. What I need to be is Christ to those I meet. I may be the only part of Christ these people ever see, and I need to be the best representation I can be. It's hard, I'm not saying it's anything but hard... but it's worth it. He has a plan for me. Plans to profit me, and not to break me down. Plans for a hope and a future.  I strive for that... because I know my best life will occur as a result.

I recently went through a car wash, and the attendant who wiped my car down was a sweet faced youth, probably in high school. I always try to give them a little tip, but that day I only had a $20. I thought twice about giving up twenty bucks for someone to wipe down my car. I saw his face, and his faithfulness in his work. He smiled at everyone, and did his job to the best of his ability. I handed over that twenty dollar bill, simply because sometimes doing things like that can change someone's life, or at least their perspective on others. Why not change someone's perspective? It's worth it, and I pray that he was blessed by that. I try to do that more often, because in doing things like that, I not only bless someone I may never see again, but I too am blessed by being a source of God's love. Afterward I always pray for the Lord to be real in that person's life, and for them to find God.

Be your best. Be your best to your children and to the people you meet in life. Your children will take that away from their lives in your care. Don't feel badly if you struggle - we all do. Just be your best, and remember who you're teaching to be the best they can be in the middle of it all. For by being that to a stranger, we may be entertaining angels unaware...

and then... a raccoon...

Memorial Day festivities have been fun this year. I spent some time with one old friend and her family and friends on Friday, and went to my oldest and dearest friend's home today for a family picnic. We were enjoying each other's company along with her husband and daughters when out of nowhere one of the girls screams at the top of her lungs. All hell broke loose...

The family dog, known to be aggressive toward other animals (mainly cats) was being attacked right next to us on the back porch by a raccoon. The girls scrambled frantically, going inside, hiding behind their mother, screaming uncontrollably. Marc and I immediately went to the dog, trying to break up what we all thought was the dog attacking the family cat. Once I got on my knees in front of the animals, I realized it was a raccoon - probably rabid, since it was mid to late afternoon and the sun was shining. Marc grabbed the dog, then Lisa, holding her as still as possible as I tried to pry the raccoon's mouth from the dog's head. I was screaming to get a stick of some sort to pry the raccoon's mouth open, since my fingers in the animal's mouth wasn't making any quick progress. A rock was tossed at me, with 'hit it!' being yelled from behind. I was screaming 'no!' as I didn't want to hurt anything... but alas I grazed the raccoon's head with the rock, and it launched itself off the porch, limping away as fast as possible with what I assume was at least a broken front leg. Marc followed the raccoon into the woods to get it away from the family, and we spent the next few moments assessing the damage to the dog. Amazingly there was no broken skin on it or on any of us. The raccoon, I don't know. I assume the dog had enough of a hold on it at times to break the skin, but I didn't get enough of a look at it to know. I know it's dying a slow and painful death out there, and that makes me very sad. Marc wanted to go kill it within the adrenaline rush he was feeling... but then relaxed enough to realize it was dangerous and futile...

The veterinarian suggested the dog come in for a booster, and the sheriff's office was contacted in order to report the incident with a (seemingly) rabid animal. From then, there was no appetite for dinner, at least for the three adults. The girls were all freaked out, and I honestly had the shakes for at least half an hour. So much for a relaxing holiday afternoon! We could laugh after a little while, but it's still fresh in our minds. Everyone honestly thought their cat was going to die. Needless to say, everyone was spared that horror, and were left unscathed. Except for the unfortunate raccoon. God don't let it suffer...

Tomorrow: to another friend's home for a relaxing poolside afternoon. I think ;)

Being Honest...

Sometimes it isn't easy to break free from pride in order to be an open book with people. I've been struggling with that lately. Since being out of work, I've dealt with myself on a lot of levels, and finally I can see things more clearly about myself, my worth, my attitude, and my relationship to God.

I've had a job for a week now, and I've neglected to tell most of my friends because of the fear of being looked upon as a failure. I haven't found any work in my field, and my friend knows how much I've been struggling with being alone and without anything to do for so long. She saw how I was beating myself up and wanted to help me. She offered me a job as a delivery person for their auto parts store. Before she offered, however, I had been praying for the Lord to 'drop a job in my lap - simply because I wasn't finding anything'... He did that. Through Lisa. I knew it was His work, and so reluctantly I accepted. My pride had not been one of the many issues I'd dealt with in myself yet... and it had come time to do so. So, I told a spare few people, and they prayed for me, over me, and with me. I can say that, although it's only been two work days so far, I have found a sense of peace and gratitude that I wasn't sure I'd find. The people have been very kind, and it's a lively bunch of folks who work at the shop. They can be a bit on the crass side - things being talked about and said that I'm not at all used to hearing in a work setting... but maybe I'm supposed to bring Christ into the midst of them. I hope I can fulfill that task. It isn't stressful, no one thinks anything differently about me, I think in part because they don't know me yet. But it has been a blessing and I feel like the Lord is working through me and in me, although I'm not at all sure yet what His plan is.

Overall I'm writing this to tell my friends what I'm doing. Keeping it quiet was the last bit of pride that I needed to overcome. There are moments where I wonder why He sent me through all the schooling and working in a business setting for so many years, simply to move me out of that and into this. Healing doesn't come from the explained... and I'm learning that.

My friend knows the purpose of this job for me, and thus I continue to search for work in my field, not knowing if I'll ever get back to where my talents are used to their fullest... but this is a new season. This is where the Lord has brought me, and I can't ever be ashamed of what He wills for my life. Pride is definitely something I've had a problem with for a long time... and He's working me through that.

So, I'm around... tooling around in a pickup truck delivering oil filters, exhaust pipes, and carburetors... to name a few things. I hold my head high, and do my very best, as I always have. Thanks to my friends who believe in me, and pray for me... I wouldn't be the person I am without you in my life.

Dreams

What are dreams but the heart and mind coming together and forming pictures of all that is within them... they can be fragile, raging, blissful and misunderstood. I don't think anyone can calculate dreams. They are what our minds make them.

Dreams for me are cruel dances with grim emotional turmoils that spin endlessly in my mind. They have been seeds of discontent and moments of unimaginable joy. Lately the plague of uncertainty and blindness have been the characters and circumstances that play out. Houses full of strangers and loved ones with me trying to make sense out of chaos. My attempts to clean around them as they rearrange everything that isn't bolted down... the feeling of helplessness when my beloved ignores my efforts while continuing to get caught up in the whimsy of the moment. My eyesight is gone, and I struggle to find my way through it all, continuing to build a resentment and disdain for everyone and everything. Waking up from these dreams means an anxiety that nearly cripples me. I realize these things are part of what I deal with on a daily basis, and I walk through reality slowly breaking free from the feelings that I've been pummeled with throughout the night.

What we struggle with during our waking hours come to haunt us in the night. There are breaks of hope within all of that - a good dream perhaps. One that allows a sense of peace and calm, or the sight of a loved one and time spent with them after years of their absence. The laughter that wakes you up and makes you smile for a moment in the bleary moments of half consciousness.

I've learned a few symbols of dreams - be it true or false, sometimes the symbols help get past the confusion and allow a sense of understanding in a way. My fruitless cleaning and blindness indicates a sense of the lack of control in my life, and the reality of not knowing what is yet to come. The way I struggle daily with uncertainty is all too real in the dreams. The people who dance through are real and imagined, and all of them subjects of my lack of trust and lack of connection. One other is when my teeth hurt, or fall out completely in the dream  - that is a sign of feeling out of control. That happens all too often in the night, and I wake up to find that my teeth actually do hurt, but most likely from clenching my jaw during the dreams.

Dreams can be controlled in a way, if I'm slightly aware of them, and think of how I can manipulate them to my favor. That happens rarely, but the depth of despair can be thwarted at times. I've never had the pleasure of altering a good dream - they seem to fall into my subconscious and play out on their own. I allow it, obviously, because they're pleasant and lovely, and I want nothing more than to relive them and enjoy the moment I'm in.

I pray often for dreams to not come at all, just so I have a peaceful night's rest. That never seems to happen, and I get angry at God for allowing such grotesque mind play to taunt me during the times I hope will be a refreshing and calm. I wonder if these things will ever end... at times it seems like an endless abyss of negativity and sadness. One can only hope that these things won't be forever.

Never Getting Over It

I don't know why, but I've never gotten over my father's death. I've had people say 'you don't have to' or 'it's impossible to do'. Therapists say I need to move through the grief process and move past the grief. I've tried, honestly... and I can't. It isn't debilitating, there's nothing I don't do because of my grief. There are things that I do because of it, like cry, or get tattoos of my father's writing on my wrist. It doesn't keep me from living, although it can be said that I could be living a happier existence. Truth be told, I don't know if I would be or not. It makes sense that I could be happier... but overall - not just in regard to my father's loss.

I've had friends recently have very vivid dreams about my dad. It's been so interesting to hear what they've dreamt, and try to decipher what it could possibly mean. I love my friends and their love for my dad - it's those friendships that mean the most in my life. I've dreamt of my dad a number of times, and two of them have been dreams I'll never forget. Vivid - colorful - real. So real. I woke up so heartbroken that it was only a dream, because it seemed almost impossible that it couldn't be reality. He was there with me, or I was in his presence in a familiar setting. Those moments after you wake from dreaming are so fuzzy - the mix of dream and reality is surreal. It made me want to go back to sleep quickly, so I might get back to that place and time, but it never seems to work.

I may have blogged about this topic before, but it has come up in recent conversations that I haven't gotten past my grief and loss, and that my father wouldn't be happy to know that I can't get past his absence. I don't know how to respond to that. I've tried, and failed. Repeatedly. For decades. Is it something that I can just harbor in my own little world, and not let go of? Is it hurting anyone else? No, but it's hurting me. I'm the one with the pain of loss that feels like it was yesterday. I know harboring grief and heartache isn't healthy... Lord do I know it. I just don't know how to let it go. Suggestions from my mother are to write down my grief and pain onto slips of paper, and then set them on fire. Letting those feelings and guilts be released emotionally as well as physically. I think of doing that, and in my heart of hearts I know deep down it won't do me any good. The things I write down are only words on paper, and won't be removed from me. It's a part of me. It's within my DNA at this point. I live with it... it lives with me.

I have friends who have lost parents at young ages, and I know they deal with feelings similar to mine, but there are times - like today - when I feel alone in my grief. My grief is compounded with a guilt over feeling it... which ends up being a perpetual cycle. People may say kind things to me in regard to this blog, and that's always special... but honestly I don't need affirmation or empathy, because this grief doesn't change.

the ability to bless others

Today was a good day! I don't often say that, so I know you'll take note of it...

The ability to bless others is really such a gift. Literally. I had the privilege to go to a friend who works very hard on her horse farm and give her a monetary gift that my stepdad wanted her to have. He wanted to bless her, and I was the avenue that allowed that to happen. Marial Ophardt has been one of the people in my recent life who have had a very special influence. She used to be part of a volunteer organization that I'm still a part of, and her diligence, steadfastness, and never ending hard work have made a big impact on me as a person. She loves horses like nothing else in life, and she has such a wealth of wisdom and love to offer, not only to the animals, but to us. I love listening to her talk about the horses she cares for, the amount of effort she puts into their care and well being, and the love she puts into every day. She is such a simply lovely person, I just can't tell you enough.

Her farm has seen harder times, but she has withstood any number of storms in life in order to be where she is today. She never takes time off - she can't, really. She is the farm, and the farm is her. She has help, and a few paid workers who come in to help with cleaning stalls, grooming, feeding, watering, etc. But Marial is the backbone of the farm, and it shows. She knows so much about each animal... she cares for 18 horses right now, plus a dog, chickens, and her favorite past time - her grandson Owen. I was able to meet Owen today, and he has just as much enthusiasm for the animals as she does. You can sense the joy in her heart when she's with him, and it's lovely.

The gift my stepdad gave today was a real blessing to Marial, and she went on and on about what she was going to do with it. There are 5 rescue horses from a farm in Pavilion that she's taken in by the goodness of her heart. She doesn't get paid or compensated for her work or food, shelter or care. One of the horses she took on is named Makailah, and she has a few health issues that have been a concern. Today, Marial was lit up by the reality that she could afford to bring in a veterinarian who will take care of Makailah's teeth. No one can get near her teeth at this point, but by giving her a tranquilizer and propping her jaw open, the vet will be able to see what's going on, and hopefully make a difference, so Makailah can begin to gain weight. Marial has a special place in her heart for this horse, and for her well being, and to have the money to help her now, rather than wait, was better than she could express. She wants to photograph the horse, write to my stepdad and mom with her progress, and give them all sorts of updates and thanks for their simple gift. What an impact just a small donation to a needy animal can do!

Keep that in mind when you think about supporting good causes - even a small gift can mean life and death to the animal you're giving to. Be blessed my friends! It's a good way to feel GREAT!

what makes people tick...

I don't know much about people, evidently. Somehow I expect more than I get over and over, yet never seem to learn from it, or lower my standards. What keeps that fire of belief lit within my heart? What causes us to continue with a shred of hope in others?

I've had friends recently who have been at odds with other friends because of teen issues that come up among girls in the same school/classes/clicks/etc. These things have gotten worse in our society, although I have no point of personal reference aside from what these friends share with me. What has come to me from their struggles via their children is that each of us holds some tiny shred of hope in others, no matter how small. We all have this ideal scenario of how a relationship should go, or what should or shouldn't happen within a friendship. The people who end up with no hope are the ones who eventually cut ties, alienate themselves, and commit suicide. It's true... not that I want to make that a huge point.

Lately I've been jaded by people, and have been more of a creeper on Facebook rather than a participant. I see what others are posting, find little to no interest in anything, and fail to create my own posts or much of any commentary. I used to really love making people laugh on my posts... but I've lost the hope I had in others somehow. Maybe my perspective has been skewed since I spend most of my time alone... in fact yes, it has become skewed. I need more than I had before, and realizing that has caused me to remove myself from others' view, in order to not show them how very much I need them. I don't like being needy, and I hate being seen as such. It isn't acceptable to me, and I fight it tooth and nail. People who recognize the issue are a spare few.  People who either don't care enough or don't see it, I feel better knowing I can fool you in some way, and refuse to believe that you don't care, purely out of self preservation.

Children are also very needy - and more than willing to do whatever it takes to be important to someone other than the people they live with. It's scary what kids will go through for approval from someone they admire or want to be friends with. There are no rules anymore... kids push to the breaking point, and then push harder. They want to see the person of their disdain squirm. It makes bullying so rewarding - to know the power you have over someone else. The reality of all of that is that there will be winners and losers. Populars and unpopulars... the great and the unnoticed. The forgotten... the ones who even teachers and authority figures seem to miss and the Ideals - those who are impossible to miss. How has it gotten to this? I don't have any answers, only deep sadness and fear of the worst. Friendships aren't as deep and staying as they were when I was young. I still have friends from grade school... but the relationships between young girls now don't seem to be as long term. Neediness seems to never go away...

Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a decent collaboration between my experience and the kids being bullied and I think I've failed. What I have to say is sometimes pointless and without meaning, or meaningless and without point... Either way I'm giving up. Take away what you want... hopefully I haven't shit all over your belief in people, or in me.

Things I don't do...

Here's a list of things that don't happen in my world, and things I don't do:

1 - I don't mince words. You'll know exactly how I feel about a subject, and exactly how I feel about you. There's no room in my life for trying to make people feel good, or boost them when they need a real kick in the ass.
2 - I don't care as much as some people think I should - I don't allow other peoples' opinions about my feelings change the things I stand for, and things I stand against. It shows a lack of courage to back down from the platforms you believe in.... I can't care any less about things like gaming, politics, gun laws, or things that don't effect me personally. In fact, I don't have the capacity to involve my mind in those things - I have enough on my mind to fill many days and nights consecutively.
3 - I don't press my opinion on anyone - there's no reason to do this, and I've resigned myself to not force my opinion and/or beliefs on others. You have your opinions, and I have mine.
4 - I don't live in the past - this one is something I've learned recently. I don't want to live in the past, because that's not where I am now. I've had trouble moving away from the place where I once was, but lately things have evolved to the point where I know where I was wasn't where I need to be now. It's a process, but I'm getting there.
5 - I don't fall victim to trends - the skinny jeans that have come anew to the fashion world, I can't see myself in those. I don't wear what I don't feel good in. I like classic styles, and won't be caught spending good money on things that don't look good on me, or don't make sense to purchase. And frankly, I look darn good in the wardrobe I have, thank you very much.
6 - I don't find joy in others' sorrow - I have people in my life who tend to look at others and compare themselves to them, and if they feel lesser than, they rejoice in a fail. I can't do that, or I'd find myself in a worse state of mind than I already am. If someone hurts, I hurt. I pray for people who I don't even know. I believe in the power of prayer, and the strength therein. If I hear of your trouble, you can count on me to pray and believe in your future.
7 - I don't love all 4 seasons - seriously - winter is such a buzz kill. I don't understand my mother who loves every second of winter. What's to love? It's COLD. It's UGLY. It's inconvenient and stressful to drive in. What is so great? People say they want snow on Christmas - that's crap. Don't give me that, because the rest of the 5 months of winter we have around here you're complaining.
8 - I don't tollerate ignorance - it's something I can't stand, and won't stand for. I think people who spew ignorance should be spoken to in a harsh and educational manner that allows them to realize (hopefully) their shortcomings. Don't you dare come at me with anything related to race discrimination, or minority discrimination in general. Women are a discriminated upon group, and I hate it. It doesn't seem like it's as big a deal as race, but it is.
9 - I don't base my opinions on others' ideals - I'm a grown woman, and what I feel is who I've evolved into. I can't tell you how often I've seen the 'christian conservative' snub their noses at others, the lesser, the needy, and the lost. Don't you dare tell me your opinions on these things because if you don't have mercy or forgiveness, you don't have Jesus as a grounding point. Christians, act like it.
10 - In the end, I'm still a human being - I have feelings, and opinions, and beliefs, and I share them. It's a gift, so you're welcome. But, I'm flawed. I admit I don't have it all together, and I haven't been in other peoples' shoes to know fully their pain. What I do have is mercy, a good listening ear, and a strong belief system. We're all entitled to our opinions, that's what makes our country so great. We're free to express ourselves the way we wish to. We're not encumbered with others' requirements of us. Thank a soldier for that. Thank God for that. Thank your misled, dysfunctional government for that. If we didn't have our freedoms, what else might be on this list? I don't want to know...

Gray...

Lately when I open up on the subject of 'me' I realize that there are a lot of things going on, and none of them are at a point where a decision can be made, or where I feel good about it. I described my status in life as being very 'gray' today, and it really is... no answers, more questions, less security, more uncertainty.

What makes a good life good? What makes life full color, and not monochromatic? How do you add color to a life and focus on the brilliant rather than get drawn down into the gray abyss of it all? Please feel free to offer thoughts. Is it what you spend your time dwelling on - refusing to stand by and let the gray bleed into your mind? Is it what you spend money and time on - going outside yourself and focusing on others and their needs? I've tried that, and it continues to add to my gray world. Doing good for others, praying for their healing and success... only to watch as they fall into the gray abyss with me, or not even try to make things better for themselves. The fear of trying has plagued so many of us... the grip of fear is a strong one, and can't be overcome by anyone else but the person who despairs within it. Prayer in these situations seems futile and vague. As if no one hears them, and no one cares.

What makes my life 'good' - or, what made it good in the past? Strong friendships? Strong love? God? Success? Honestly I don't remember. Day by day things happen, and you put out the fires as you're able... but does that equal success in life? When looking back on life, can someone feel successful even if the daily struggles seem to have sapped every ounce of strength in getting to that point? What makes someone feel content with their lives, even through the lack of financial security, lack of family connection, and a strong feeling of failure in a career path? Should being here for others' sake be what we take away from this life? And should that be the only thing we take away?

I have a lot of questions, but very few answers... hence, gray.