Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Breaking of Hearts...

Tragedy has fallen on my little town and my friends and acquaintances this week. I, not being a parent, can't relate to the sadness a parent feels when a child is lost. I can, however, relate to the bullying that went on during my time in school. Children lack the wisdom and discernment that comes with age. Oh if only we were able to have it when we were young. It would make life so much more understandable in ways.

I was a bully, and I know I wasn't the only one. There's one girl in particular that I preyed upon, not to a great extent, but we shunned her. We made fun of her. We didn't have cyber bullying at that point, but what our tongues did was just as bad. I don't know what became of her. I've never heard from her again. She's fallen into the abyss of my history. What I do know is that I've asked God for forgiveness in that... and hope that her life is full of joy and hope.

What I do know is that words are as sharp as a two edged sword. They can't be taken back - you can't un-ring a bell, so they say. Children need to learn at home what words can do, and parents are responsible for that. I don't carry that responsibility, but parenting is the most difficult and most precious job a person can ever have. Some take it as seriously as they can, and some let things fall away. The children don't know what they're not taught. We're not born with prejudice, hate, and the willingness to be mean... it's learned. Public schools and buses were the place where I learned a lot of that... but there were things at home that I learned as well. I regret those things... but they can't be taken back. All I can do is rise above what was once my opinion, and become a wiser and more loving person.

Suicide is never the answer. Mom always said 'it's a permanent fix to a temporary problem'. But that doesn't help now. She's gone. She couldn't take life anymore. I've been at that threshold... but backed away more times than I can count. Many things, inner and outer, can cause a person to be left at that point of hopelessness. This was outer... and the people who pushed this girl to the edge of sanity and threw her over will have to deal with that the rest of their lives. How must that feel, now, and in their futures, to know that they cost someone their life? I dare say, it will haunt them forever. Just as this tragedy haunts the people and family who loved this girl.

Take parenting seriously - be open with your children. Talk to them honestly, and thoughtfully. You are their guide. God is the ultimate Guide, and He knows our lives backward and forward. This girl's life had meaning, and purpose. So does her death. We don't know, and don't understand what the Lord is doing in all of it, but He indeed is in control. He has her now... she isn't in pain any more. Let those thoughts bring peace... and let the Lord in - you won't be sorry.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

going home

Is it wrong to want to go Home?
To be surrounded by love unending, peace, hope, joy...
To never know fear, sorrow, worthlessness again?

I long for Home. I long for peace, hope and joy...
I want to be in the midst of that.
Nothing here gives me those things... nothing.
I hate to disappoint the people who love me...
to be a burden, a point of worry, a friend who is always in need.

To understand all that is in my mind is to ruin one's own joy.
To try to understand is futile. I've never let anyone in.
I've been told to try. To trust. To overcome the demons that dictate my life.
It's hard. Sometimes impossible. Sometimes overwhelming.

Bring me Home. Bring me peace... joy... unending love.
I can't go without breaking a sacred rule, and I can't bring myself to break it.

I will try. I will fight. I will do all I can to overcome.
The first step is the most difficult...

Friday, November 18, 2011

learning about myself

So today I found out my eating habits, life habits, and other things have caused a significant issue within me. I'm going to have to begin a complete overhaul in order to help myself out of the ditch I've dug for myself. Keeping things inside has rotted my psyche, but letting things out is so very difficult. I've never done it, so it's going to take everything I have to begin this new regime. I've always known that it's bad to keep things bottled up, but for me, it worked all these years.

That, along with lifestyle changes will hopefully dig me out of this place I've called my 'comfort zone'. There will be much need for help, so please feel free to contact me, ask me questions, make me talk... it's supposed to help, and I need all the help I can get.

Prayers are much appreciated, and your love and support has always been a healing balm on my life. Thank you...

Monday, November 14, 2011

making enemies

I'm not sure what's wrong with my neighbor, but she hates me. I've had one bout with her, and so has Ben, but for reasons that are so silly... bettering our property or mowing our lawn. Sometimes it's a wonder what goes through peoples' heads. I've tried to make amends with her, and it just doesn't work out. I'm clear in front of the Lord, so I really can't do any more.

What I've learned through my faith is that being kind to those who despitefully use you 'heaps fiery coals upon their heads'... I guess doing good in the face of ugliness is the answer. Not sure what I can do, but I know she'll get a nice Christmas card from us, wishing her well. Coals: heaped.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

socialization

Sometimes it's really not something I want to do - be social. Having to 'play a role' with people when inside I feel like I should be committed... it's hard to cover up sometimes. I have an opportunity to be social again tonight, thanks once again to Ben's kickball team. It was something that I was sure I wasn't going to do... just stay home instead - alone. It seems like people who are 'normal' would never consider being alone versus being with others and having a laugh or two together... but that's me. Having to be a person that I don't feel like being can be extremely taxing.

Lately I've noticed a sort of shunning from the females in the 'group' that we socialize with. To the point of having dinner with 5 others, and one female says nothing to me all night long. Not one word. It's hard, because I'm not sure where that comes from. It happened again the other night in a social setting. Two women who I haven't had an extensive association with who nearly completely shut me out of all discussions and fun. Even some of the guys do it to... I don't know why, but I think it has something with my defense mechanism of being quiet, and having a face on that normally people would shy away from. It's always been what I've done - to keep people at bay. I don't like people to know me - know what I'm thinking or feeling. I keep it inside, and that's where it stays. Ben thinks it's because I'm the 'pretty girl' and they're intimidated by me. I doubt that. They're pretty enough, and have jobs that anyone would envy - lawyer being one. It just doesn't make sense sometimes. It makes me not want to be there. To be shunned in a crowd - why would anyone want that for themselves? Especially with the level of self esteem I have... or lack there of. I'm encouraged only by Ben, and he gives me strength to follow through on some of these social excursions.

Next week, a wine tour with 20+ other people. Sounds great to most people, but I'm feeling intimidated just at the thought. We've committed $, and I don't want to back down now... Plus, I'm cheap, and I don't like wasting money. What will become of these situations I put myself in? Will I cower in the corner and not talk or will I open up and be brave? One thing I've never been in social settings is brave. I cower. I do it a lot. Mostly men who show me attention are the ones I seem to have a decent time with... but then, that's just not right in a big way. I don't know... I just don't know anymore...

Monday, October 31, 2011

Dealing with Violence

As I sit here, I want to say that, in no way do I ever blow sunshine and rainbows up anyone's ass to make them feel better. That's not my style I'm a realist, and a pessimist. I learned about the violent crime that took place in Albion last night, and it made me sad. I saw the anger and hatred that my friends on Facebook were feeling, and it made me sad as well.

Dealing with unacceptable behavior is part of our world. We all do our best to be our best, and sometimes we ourselves break down and do stupid things. We lash out at loved ones... we spew hate among our friends and family, and we act unloving toward many people we pass by every day who we don't even know. It's based in how we ourselves are feeling that day - that moment. It's human nature. I'm among the worst of the bunch... but I internalize. I don't lash out much, but when I do, it can be ugly. It's gotten me fired. It's left a vacancy in my life where my brother once was. Friends come and go, and we all change, but one thing we have to keep mindful of is ourselves and how we handle certain situations and circumstances.

One thing I've learned recently is that we can only control ourselves. I know how angry and hurt people are, seeing how this type of crime rarely happens in our community. It's scary. It's hard to absorb, not knowing how others' minds work, what situations they have where they have no alternatives but to steal, lie, cheat, and in essence, hurt others. I'm in no way condoning what that man did - there is no reason for it, and never will be. I can say I hurt for the victim and her family... and pray for them. But I also have to pray for the accused. What good does it do any of us to harbor hate? None. We only hurt ourselves. We have to let the justice system do its job, and let God do His.

I don't like seeing hearts and flowers being tossed around on the internet and then turn around and see hate and anger from the same people. I know you, and I know you're better than that. Fear turns all of us into ugly people from time to time, but to try and remember that we can only control ourselves is important.

Let go of your hate. Don't lump categories of people into one - that's not fair. Not all illegal immigrants are bad people. My mother and step dad deal with a large group of immigrants at church and they have a heart for them. There are many who are only trying to find a better life. What would our country be if, back when our grandparents and great-grandparents were all tossed out of the US and sent back to their homeland? We didn't have 'illegals' back then - it wasn't like that. I know there have been a lot of changes in people and in our country over time, but think about it. No, I don't agree with some of our country's policies on these types of issues, and I think that people have become weak and therefore angry over what continues to happen to our nation. We hit 7 billion people this weekend - where are we all going to get food? Jobs? Shelter? It's slowly but surely becoming a reality that no one can really comprehend or begin to tackle, especially if there are those in power who have hatred against certain groups. Hate doesn't do anything positive... it can't.

Live the life you're given, and live it as best you're able. Don't let yourself be brought down by the things others do if at all possible. Pray for those who need prayer. Don't discount the people who do wrong, because they're the ones who need the most prayer, after all...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Doing vs Being

I've got so much in my head it's going to burst.

First of all, I'm only one person. I can't read minds, and I can't move forward on a project without some sort of input. Input in a timely manner would be nice, but when that doesn't happen, I get flack. Flack from the client, flack from the printer... it really bugs me. Why do I have to be the middle man? Why can't you actually give me some sort of respect and, when I'm working on your products, you give me your attention before it's too late? And when it IS too late, who's to blame? Me. It's me. And it's not right. I don't want to hear your bitching, or get a mean email, or get blamed for doing something I'm supposed to do only to get told it's wrong. I hate this... it's not fair. To top it all off, I'm not getting paid! I mean, I wait months upon months for SOME sort of income, and have to beg and plead for things to move. Why? I must have a doormat look to me... although being thin and flat sounds nicer than fat and bloated right now. That's beside the point.

My job has always defined me. It's the one thing that you do more than anything else... it's an 8 hour a day thing (if you have a job), and it's what you put most of your effort forward on in any given weekday. It consumes a lot of your time and life. I'm one of those people. Life shouldn't be about work... I know that, but sometimes all you want is to be worthy of a job, and be doing your best every day. My life isn't full, it isn't happy, and it isn't fulfilling. To have something in life where I can succeed, where I can feel worthy of praise, worthy of money, worthy of the attention I need to accomplish the task at hand. That would be great. I know I work with very different types of people. Some are attentive (thank you Marsha), and some are completely oblivious. It takes a thick skin to do this job... I thought I had it. But when treated like a pion time after time, I think it would be easier to just live on bread and water, and say screw you, I'm done.

That puts a lot of strain on my marriage, and I hate that every damn day. I know Ben loves me, and isn't (terribly) tired of being the sole breadwinner. He does his best, takes the good with the bad, bends over backward to be my all in all. I can't say enough about him... but it doesn't help how I feel about myself. I know I can be more. I know I can function in society... I just can't catch a break... freelance blows. Freelance is the most difficult thing some days. Worthiness and respect is not given, and day after day, I just feel like I don't have what it takes to make it.

In any case, I just needed to vent. I'm tired of this. I can't take it anymore. I'm going nuts. People are avoiding me, things are getting ugly. I need hope. Change.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Loss of Pets

I should have written when my friend Lance had to put his dog of 16 years down a month ago, but it goes without saying that no matter what, pets are a member of the family, and their loss is an emotional hit that can devastate. One thing I am, if nothing else, is an animal lover and activist. I speak for those who can't speak for themselves, and love doing it. I would do anything possible, legal or no, if there was an animal in danger. The devastation of last week's loss in Ohio made me so sick to my stomach - to think that someone could just excuse themselves from their responsibilities of so many endangered animals is beyond me. I would have shot that guy myself. Seriously.

In any case, my friends lost their great dane today, and it hurts them as well as their family. They loved that dog to no end, and his life was short and difficult medically. I haven't known the loss in a long time, but dread the day when that becomes my situation. I know not everyone puts their heart and soul into pets - let's be honest. There are plenty of people who I advocate against who don't see their value. This family is different, as were Lance and John. I hate their sadness and wish they didn't have to go through it.

I know there's a place for me in this realm as a calling, but I haven't found it yet... but you'd better bet that when I find that calling, you'll hear my name. You'll know what I'm doing, and you'll applaud me for what I'm doing. To stand up for the helpless is one of the most selfless things someone can do. Some stand for children, I stand for animals. They're both valuable standings... so stay tuned. There will be a day.

Love your pets. Remember people who grieve. Be more in helping the helpless. You won't be sorry.

Seasons...

Fall is a magical time in this part of the world. The crisp sunny mornings, leaves gliding and spinning all around... the smell of the air is one of my favorite things. If I think too long about it, I'm reminded of what comes next. It seems everyone, even though they've been a resident of this part of the country all their lives, dreads the cold snowy months that are all too soon approaching us. The holidays bring a sense of solitude, and can help overcome the dreariness of the weather, but then there's the long January through March that seems to never end.

Seasons in life are part of what makes life what it is... a journey. Not just the weather, but our lives and all that they're made up of. Daily rituals, routines, work, responsibilities... ups and downs... sudden stops. We can approach these with the same dread as we do winter, or we can take a day at a time. The Lord only gives us strength for the day we're in, and I have a hard time remembering that. My strength is often sapped by the thoughts of what tomorrow, next month, or beyond has in store for me. Without a routine to keep my mind in order, there are moments of utter overwhelming dread.

I don't know if moving to a more consistent climate would help my mental seasons become more even, but somehow I'd like to try it. Life is tough up here half the year... sunless days... darkness... cold... it drains the joy out of me.

Right now I'm realizing my mess, and would like to find an answer... waiting is beyond unbearable some days. The urgency of time passing, seasons changing, and life becoming more difficult looms in the distance. Prayer is the answer, but I can't keep my mind from wandering into the doubts and troubles that always squirm their way into my quiet time. I need prayer, knowing that God has the answers I seek. Wouldn't it be lovely if, for some reason, everything suddenly fell into place and life became a warm blanket of safety and security - filled with everything happy and right? That's when I go mentally into Jesus' arms... imagine the peace there. I know I have friends who don't feel the same way I do, but I also have friends who do... and I'm grateful for my faith based circle who continue to keep me in prayer. I do pray for you as well. I try, at least. Thank you for your friendship... it makes a difference in me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Okay, I'm just talking now...

I've got a lot of garbage in my head... too much for most people to stay sane, in my opinion. I think constantly, because I rarely have anything to think about right now, outside of myself. Every day is a long draining hour by hour existence that's filled with the 'what if's' and 'whens' of life. I can't control it... I can only control myself, of which I do so poorly. I have bad ideas, bad habits, and a lack of organization that allows me to float through days with no sense of responsibility or care.

I want to be responsible. I want to have a life that requires more of me. I want people who check on me, who want to know what I'm up to, and who care enough when things are bad to say 'hey - maybe that's not a good idea'... although I rarely share my bad things with anyone. It makes it tough for my friends, and I know that. I appreciate their prayers for me, and knowing that they DO care, but there's not much in the middle. I shouldn't need a basbysitter. I shouldn't burden people with my issues. It makes me feel like I should be locked up somewhere - somewhere that those things are required. I have a friend who has had to go into those places because of her choices and mental instability... it hurts my soul to know she needs/needed that type of care, but in the end, I'm one day behind her in a lot of ways.

In any case, I don't like what I think about - what I see - what I hear - who I encounter - what comes from people I don't even know. I shouldn't judge, I know that too... there's a lot in other peoples' lives that I don't have a clue about... but still, I find myself avoiding people and avoiding friendships because I don't want them to see the ugly in me, and I don't want to know their ugliness. I protect myself against it. Someone shared with me today how she and I always tend to keep that 10% of ourselves from others, just for our own heart's sake. I agree with her. She makes sense. She always has in that way. She doesn't make sense to me in a lot of ways, but that one part, she does. There are others who are the eternal optimist, and that bugs the shit out of me. Why are you so optimistic? What in life makes you so? I can't see it. My glasses are in no way rose colored, and I see things very differently than they do. I guess I'll just have to stop and let them be them, and hopefully they can allow me to be me. Life's not a bowl of cherries... it's hard. It sucks sometimes. That's my bottom line.

I have a faith. I can't say it's strong anymore... but it's part of who I am. I try to bring it into the present as much as possible... but some days it's just shoved back into the background. My friends bring it forward... I bring it forward when I have to - so people and family know that I still have a faith base, but some days I think I'm faking it. Moments of insecurity bring me to imagining me with Jesus, wrapped in his robe, and pushing my face into His chest, smelling the incense and perfume of his Glory. I stay there mentally until I can move again. That happens a lot.

I wonder sometimes how my other friends deal with things like this... with moments like this... where do you turn? Do you just go inward? Do you call a friend? Do you pray? Do you go out and do something to distract yourself? Most of my friends have families who take up more of their brain power than what I deal with, so I'm sure that's part of their sanity, as weird as that might sound. They don't go deep into their own heads a lot. I do. I'm there all the damn time. What the hell am I doing in my life? What's meant for me? I leave it to God out of sheer frustration and exhaustion. I know it may seem lazy to some, but there are days where I can hardly eat anything just because my mind doesn't go there. I have to remember or care enough to bother.

Now I'm rambling... I'll leave this blog now, going back to what I was doing... staring at the television seeing what horror has happened in the last 24 hours since I watched last.

Don't be me.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Places We Dwell...

Recently I've noticed more the homes that people I know live in... and there's a part of me who is envious, and part of me who just loves the home I'm in. So many different styles, tastes, ways of life... it's so interesting. You can tell a lot about a person/people/family by their homes and the conditions of their spaces.

One of our neighbor families is moving away to Virginia, and their home is for sale. I've been there, spent time inside, and have been in love with it for many different reasons. It's huge, for one. It's immaculate, even though they have four children under the age of 8. The woodwork is all original, the furniture is all period pieces, and they have the financial ability to make their home into a true work of art. That's what I envy... the ability to have things that set the inside of your home off to be as pristine and beautiful as the outside. We bought our home because of the beauty if held as a structure, but haven't been able yet to fill it with loveliness to the point where I can be proud. Pride is an ugly thing at times - I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I admit, my furniture isn't what I want it to be. However, I have friends who call their houses 'shitholes' - two sets of friends who we spend quite a bit of time with. One has the ability to do something about it, yet don't have their hearts in it, and therefore don't change the inside to their liking. The other has the ability, and are trying to update their home, but time passes, and things get put aside, making it hard to enjoy having people over (in their opinion). Life gets in the way a lot... things happen.

Inside some of my friends' homes it's as if no one lived there. Nothing out of place, not a speck of dust, everything as if the home was empty. I love a clean home, but don't have the gumption to get at the dusty corners, hard to reach spaces that things and dust accumulate, clothes in places they shouldn't be... sometimes it's a mess. I envy the people who can keep their homes clean and immaculate like the one enormous home we visited this past weekend. We don't know the people well, but the home is enormous, brand new, and decorated to the T. Nothing out of place, no dust to be seen anywhere, every room was perfectly decorated and kept. How do you do that when you're a full time lawyer and your husband is away a year at a time in the service? Maybe they have a cleaning service, I don't know... either way, I was highly impressed. I have other friends whose homes are smaller, but it's the same way - perfect decorations, nothing out of place, no dirt... it frustrates me a little inside. I don't work right now - so why is my house a mess? Is it that I just inwardly don't care? Is it laziness (that's my bet)? I feel as though I should be doing more.

Messy homes are the sign of an active household. Kids playing, meals eaten in front of the television, full time working parents who don't have the time to set aside for such things as dishes, laundry, picking up toys fifteen times a day, etc. I grew up in a bit of a mess myself... my mother hated cleaning, and didn't really put her all into it. There was a point in time when she did, but the turning point in all of our lives was when my dad passed away, and mom stopped treating us all like children, and expected us to make our own way. Clean your own laundry, help with the meals, clean up after yourselves. I was a child for way longer than I should have been... To this day mom hasn't changed her ways much. She has had to relearn how to make her home presentable. I think some day I'll have to learn that same lesson, as I'm like my mother in a lot of ways. But why, if I'm flustered by it right now, can't I change right now? I have no clue why I'm the way I am. Frustrating.

In any case, it was just a small case study, seeing how people live, why they are the way they are, and how things for some people are easier to accomplish than others. I know we're all different, but it's interesting to know why some things go undone and others are so overdone...

Tell me about your house style - your living style... what bugs you and what keeps you doing the same things... I'm interested.

Friday, October 7, 2011

A Week To Forget...

So, my vast fan base and friends, what's new? Anything? Everyone healthy and happy? Ahh... that's good... however - I have to tell a tale of my last 7 days that will remind you to always be careful of your health.

Approximately one week ago I began experiencing severe abdominal pain after consuming some yummy calzone from up the street here in Holley. It didn't go away, didn't decrease, and became obvious that this was going to be the first emergency room visit in over 20 years. Pain killers, IVs, tests, and all sorts of prodding and questioning resulted in us staying in the hospital for 4 hours, leaving for home around 4 a.m. I wasn't convinced it was over, but was glad at least to go home to my own bed. Saturday begins, and more pain increases. Again, at midnight, another trip to the ER. This time, it was worse, and I knew something had to be done. More poking, prodding, tests, and an additional ultrasound resulted in the revelation that my gallbladder was in dire straights. They kept me in ER until the early morning Sunday when I had emergency gallbladder surgery. Come to find out, the organ was dead - yes, DEAD. It was 10-12x the size it should have been, black, full of stones, and leaking bile. They were amazed at it, and ended up taking photos, which will eventually be part of a presentation by the surgeon next February when he goes in front of the Unity Health group at a conference on gallbladders. They told me it was 'troublesome' to get out, and that it had damaged the tissues around it because of its decay. Lovely huh? Yeah... it's strange how something THAT BAD could come about so quickly and severely, but when I asked, the doctor said 'it didn't! It was bad for a while... you're just one of those scary patients who have a high tolerance for pain.' I doubt that, seriously... I'm pretty much a wuss when it comes to pain... but I have to say that whatever pain may have preceded this past weekend was nothing compared to what was going on a week ago.

Since then, I stayed in the hospital 4 days due to the levels in my liver and surrounding tissues, as well as my white blood counts being too high. It was pretty hard. Hospitals are one of my least favorite places, the one I was in is particularly 'iffy', and home is where I seem to be at my best. Once I was released, I still had a 'drain' in my side, which I can't express enough how inconvenient, gross, painful, and intrusive it was. That was pulled out of my side this afternoon, after someone had told me that 'yeah, that's really painful'... Great. It was. It sucked. But, only for a few seconds. It felt like someone was pulling a rope through my entire mid section and out the other side. It still kinda hurts... but I'm at this point, feeling like I'm recovering. Quite an ordeal. Quite.

In any case, hospitals are no fun, and I hope to keep as far away from them as humanly possible. Tonight I'm mourning the reality that I can't have pizza for dinner... that low fat is in my future for at least another week. Hopefully things will feel more normal as days go by...

Thanks for the prayers and emails, texts, and FB notes. I appreciate the support. Keep yourself in check people, because this sort of week is something you don't want to do more than once!

Monday, September 26, 2011

what makes us who we are...

I was in the city (Rochester) recently at a home I'm not often at, and when I was outside alone I realized there was a fight beginning to happen within a few hundred feet of me. I was alone in the episode - it was only me noticing what was about to happen... I prayed that the fight wouldn't actually take place, and that the Lord would have his hand over each of the people in the scenario, and actually it didn't happen after all the screaming and yelling at one another. I was surprised, just because hey - it was a late Saturday night, and I thought surely someone would be drunk or stupid enough to being the scuffle. I was grateful for the fact that it didn't end up happening, but found myself walking to the back of the property where I was, even closer to where the fight was about to happen. I had no fear in it - just felt like I wanted to be closer. I thought at one point as I stood close to the fence that maybe a gun would be part of the issue and that possibly I would be a statistic in Rochester's list of deaths/shootings but wasn't afraid. I don't fear death - it'll happen when it happens, and I know the Lord holds my path. I had thoughts of 'what if', thinking it wouldn't be so bad, going to heaven in a sudden and (hopefully) minimally painful way... but alas, the scuffle was not to be. I was fine, and walked away with many thoughts about what makes us who we are.

What makes us do things like that - act out in aggression against others? What makes me the peaceful person who only apologizes to my irate neighbor who is screaming at me from her door for no real reason? Why can't I engage that animal part of me that brings me to a place of anger and hate that I would step outside of my humble life and be the person who people fear? Sometimes I think it wouldn't be so bad... to have something about me that people would see as fearful... uncertain... indecisive... short tempered. What makes me who I am, and what makes those people who they are/were?

I figure it has to be my faith base - knowing what the Lord teaches, and being so ingrained in me that I follow blindly without even a thought of anything else. I know people who are certain of themselves to know that they'd react violently - aggressively - defensively, even if it wasn't their fight. I don't understand that type of mentality. Who are they that makes those decisions okay? Was it their upbringing? A bad incident that brought out the worst in them? I know a man who was in Vietnam, and was shot at... more than 30 years later he was part of a paramedic unit that happened to be near a shooting, and he instantly became a different person. He withdrew and regressed into the man who was in Vietnam. He's never been the same person since. It destroyed his marriage of 20+ years... he lives alone... I don't know what happened, but he needs medication to keep him even... life has become a battle ground for him again, and he can't get beyond it.

I don't know that reality. Vietnam is a part of me, simply because of my father who was part of that war, and the book I put together of his and his friends' photos of their experiences there. They were part of the very early years of the conflict, being called "Advisors" instead of army soldiers... but it makes me wonder what happened in all of that where it could possibly, if my father was here, change him from who he was in my life, to a person in a state of paranoia where he couldn't tell the difference between reality and what he remembered being in the midst of in Vietnam.

In any case, I learned a lesson in my faith that night - being so close to what could have been an ugly confrontation between people I didn't know, but was close enough to for me to be in the mix of the problem. I pray for those people - for them to find Jesus, and to be better people than those who act like animals. I trust what my life will be will affect those types of people, and maybe help them find peace in life... but it's a lifelong effort.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Gearing up for Autumn, and hating it.

This is the first year I can say I don't want fall to come... I'm not ready for it. I loved summer this year, even though I sweat myself in half on those 90+ degree days in July. I rarely complained, simply because as I grow older I appreciate the ability to do things outside - walking barefoot out in the grass, smelling the freshly mown lawns... hearing the birds in the trees... it's all so good for the soul. Fall has its place, and about the only thing I can think of that I enjoy (two things) are wearing my comfy warm clothes and not having to make sure all my added stuffing is in proper place, and the colorful canopy across the region. It's beautiful here in the fall, and I'm sure I'd miss it. People who move away say that's one of the main things they miss - having more than one or two seasons. I guess at this point it may take me a few years to miss it, if I was to move away... but then who knows.

Changing seasons causes us within ourselves to change - to think about things - where we're headed, what's ahead of us long and short term... things that come up yearly but we don't really think to heavily about it most of the time. We ready our homes, our wardrobes, our outdoor plants and decorations... ready ourselves mentally for colder mornings, shorter days, and having to wear socks on a regular basis...

All I'm saying is, I'm not ready. I'm growing older, and this 'end of summer' feeling weighs on me. I thoroughly enjoyed my summer, and accomplished a lot while continuing to look for work. You may find me at the local 7-11 cashing drunken passers by out with their candy bars, beer, chips, and cigarettes. If you do, pretend you don't know me... it's just better that way!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Just need to write it out...

I don't know if anyone else has days like this, but I can't sit and leave it silent. I need to get it out of my heart and somewhere tangible.

There's been a lot of time this last year where I felt like something is just terribly wrong with who I am. That whatever I am just isn't good enough for much of anything. It isn't every day, but days come and go, and I try to fight the feelings, but once in a while they build up to a breaking point. I've tried to change myself - be better, stronger, different. I haven't had a lot of variety in my experiences in life to really broaden me in that regard. There have been things that I feel have made me better, but then the rest of the time I try to fill the void with trinkets or clothes - even changing my hair completely - just to see if THAT would help. It hasn't. These are also the times when I get silent with God. I don't ask anymore - pray anymore... because He isn't talking, and I'm not listening.

I'm scared that all I'll ever be is this woman who couldn't hack it - even at a Christian institution that's always been known for being overly tolerant of too much garbage to even think about. Not me - I wasn't worthy - I was too bad... too weak... too insignificant to keep. I felt like a tiny fish tossed back because I was worthless to the fisherman. I know I should be past this by now - I want to be. Somehow I can't find my worth. I've let a lot slip in this last year. Nothing seems to matter very much. My relationships, my home, my marriage... it's all a mess. Hanging on by threads. I see people trying to better themselves, being successful, struggling but continuing to fight through, and I envy them. Did they have to change this much to get to where they were satisfied with themselves and with life? What makes them try harder, fight harder... I don't bother to ask, because I'm too ashamed to admit my own inner failings.

I don't want people to write me and give me verbal pats on the back for this... it isn't about that. It's within me, and I have to be the one to rise up within and find the strength for another day. I need the Lord, and I know He's somewhere, but sometimes it's too hard to fight through the garbage to try and listen and try to find the encouragement that people say comes through Jesus. It's just hard to be this broken inside, and not know how to fix it.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Today is a lovely day outside, so that in itself is encouraging. Hope is where I'm lacking - not faith, but hope. Hope is so easily missed... but so necessary.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

San Diego Adventure

I must say, the west coast is lovely... all the time... and coming back to a cold and dismal rainy weekend isn't exactly spectacular in my book. But, I digress. Going to SD wasn't my idea - it was Ben's. He thought it was important for me to get away for just a little while. After going, I agree whole heartedly. I can see myself living there - but the road blocks to that are daunting. Home sales, moving, job finding (sigh), and no connections aside from a few computer gurus that Ben would be working with. The weather is the only thing calling my name anymore, now that the zoo was such a major fail.

Yes, my heart was ready to see things I'd never seen before. Experience things I'd never done before... and the first day there, I definitely did. I honestly had such high hopes for the SD zoo - all that I'd read about their work with saving the panda population, keeping such a magnificent facility as to being the best zoo in the country (rankings on several google'd sites)... my heart was ready. To top it off, a position available - with elephants! How was this not a gift of the Lord? I'd been so parched for a word from God on what my life's path might be... I was ready for this to be His answer. It wasn't. The door was shut straight away in my face as I asked about the position at the HR department when I first arrived. Fail number one. Then, deciding that I'd paid my ticket to see the zoo already, I was anxious to see all the splendor that this place would have. How well the animals were kept, the spacious and lush environments made carefully and specifically for each individual animal species they cared for. Fail number two. As I approached where I'd longed to see - the elephant experience, I began to cry. It was nothing like it should be. It was so not right... after seeing how pristine and glorious the elephant sanctuary in TN was, this was down right ghetto comparatively. My tears were masked by my sunglasses so people wouldn't see... but I searched the entire habitat for some ray of hope for those poor creatures. Nothing. Dry, steel structures for their 'shelter', no grasses, no trees... rocks and dirt. No ponds or mud to frolic in - nothing. My heart was broken. It still is...

Ben knew the main reason for going with him was to finally see this place, and with such a disappointing outcome, he graciously left work early and took me to the ocean - the second reason I wanted to go. I'd never been to the ocean, never been in it, or stopped at its edge to view it and all its power... we enjoyed it. Although I have to say, getting a hefty gulp of sea water is not pleasant. Plus, CA waters are cold... that's why they don't get hurricanes over there. The water doesn't allow enough heat to cause storms of that magnitude (another plus for west coast living). I got past my disappointment, and day two was just for me... ocean again, photos, a trip to a completely overpriced mall, and dinner out at an ethiopian restaurant with Ben's coworkers. That was fun, although me and ethiopian food - not so much. Then came the long boring trip home across the country. That's always tough... dead tired from getting up at 4 a.m. in order to make a 6 a.m. flight... sigh. Glad it's over.

For me, a new experience did my soul good... I was happy to have done and seen all that I did, all things considered. I've gained wisdom in knowing I will never work for a zoo in my lifetime. Foolish me thought this place would be different, but alas... it wasn't. And never will be. Bravo on the good work they do with endangered species, but there's great need for improvement all the way around.

Back to reality, and once again feeling dried up and useless. I did come up with an idea after being inspired by a painting that was just such a happy and simple piece - I know I can do the same. I just hope I can pull it off and find success in it. Time will tell. Meanwhile, I'll post photos as I get them ready for computer viewing. It's a beautiful place - sunny, warm, and lovely things growing all the time - flowers, succulents, flowering shrubs, you name it. Color is everywhere. No wonder so many creatives live in that part of the world. It's inspiring. Don't be surprised if I change my mind about moving away... it would be tough, but worth it - at least for a little while. :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Days like this...

Many days come and go without much thought about the future... but I'm currently in a place where the future in all that I think about. I think about who I'll be, what I'll be, when I'll be that person, and how I'll do once I've come into a new season in life. My current season has been very difficult, although there are small victories and small boosts of encouragement that come at the right times, and it helps spur me toward the next day, and the next possibility. Seasons come and go, and we learn from these seasons as we walk through them. Sometimes walking isn't an option, and crawling through seems to be the only way to get there. I've been there, and done that... I've crawled for quite a bit of this last year. Thank God for unemployment, and for people who pray for me and encourage me on a daily basis. I couldn't get through these days without them, or without God.

God has His way of working us through tough times... it's difficult, and it wasn't meant to be anything but that. He has my answers, and He knows my path, from the end to the beginning. He knew me before I was born, and he has laid out my life's plan for me in such a way that it's best for His purpose for my life. I don't know that this season has been beneficial to anyone except for me, and to say that takes a lot of faith. I don't see the benefits... I don't feel any benefits, but He sees, and He knows. So, I take hope in the fact that I believe in the Word of God, and the promises left for me in that word. Just grabbing hold of one promise and hanging on tight to it is all I can do sometimes... and even then, my grasp is weak. 

What I know is that I will be more than this. I will be better than this. I will achieve more and be successful in some regard because of who He wants me to be, and I have to take heart and wait on His dealings with me. I don't know if anyone who reads this knows those feelings, but I'm guessing some of you do. Breaking the bonds of guilt, loss, failure, impatience, anger, and fear are so difficult sometimes. Days come and go, and it's as though the blackness veils the light. I know there's light somewhere, and I seek out the light whenever possible. Prayer, and the reading of scripture can help that - I know this, and yet sometimes it's just too much to bear. Prayer evades me, and hope is like a long lost friendship that I wish on its return. 

I hope the friends I have realize my shortcomings, and forgive my lack of communication and lack of availability. I do strive to be what I can be, and do what I can do for my friends and relatives that may seem easy enough to them, but for me is such a stretch for me to accomplish. I praise the Lord for the gift of my mother, and my husband, and the people who truly know and truly love, and truly pray for me. It helps me to know that there are so many who love me and love the person they know I will be some day. 

Giving up the ideals of life is hard as well. Wanting to do something, knowing you don't have the education or expertise to do it is so degrading. So bleak. I've got a passion in my heart, but getting from here to there seems impossible, and every roadblock possible goes up instead of doors being opened. I wonder why I have these passions, if they aren't God's will. Why did He give me such strong passions if it isn't in His will for my life? I can't answer that question, but I can continue to hope and walk forward, hoping for a door to open. That's all I can do. Hope in the Lord, and hope in the future...

Don't give up on your dreams, because there may be a day when they come alive for you. I trust in this, and I trust the Lord will make my path straight and clear as I continue to move forward. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Camping oh Camping...

What do you say about an experience that leaves you the same way you felt before you experienced it? I have to admit, although there were moments of hilarious laughter and fun, camping for me is not a good thing. We had shelter that was very palatial, although we chose to stick with the initial trailer that is, in all ways, groovy and retro. The palatial accommodations were available, generously due to my friends who own the amazing camper... and we did use some of its amenities... but we bedded down in their 'shaggin' wagon' which was much older, quite quaint, and overall just fine for the time we spent camping.

Now, camping may be very different with just adults - I don't know, because I've never been camping with adults only. Children make things interesting. They're full of ambition and anticipation... and I was not. My partner in crime for the two day experience was just as full of ambition and anticipation as I, but she didn't show it. She is THE most thorough camper ever - bringing basically her entire kitchen in huge coolers in order to make sure everyone ate well, and all the comforts of home were available (in regard to eating, that is). I give her credit - she and I both bucked this experience, but she was a trooper, and came out being a heaven sent asset to what I anticipated as being 36 hours of pure hell.

Camping primarily consists of eating, sleeping, and eating... did I say eating? Yeah... it was full of that. The men of our group were all about cooking out over a fire and eating heartily. It's different when you're a vegetarian... you don't have the same things available to you, nor do you want your food to mingle directly with things such as bacon, bacon grease, ham, ham grease, or the like. It was a challenge to the cooks to make sure I ate well, and I think they succeeded. My new found 'vegan marshmallows' were a fun experience, as I haven't had a smore in 16 years. Thanks to my friend Lisa, we had farm fresh brown eggs for both mornings, although the second morning all of them went into the before said bacon grease, and I had to pass.

I did a few 'firsts' while on this trip... we all did. There were those 'giant plastic death balls' available, and we all got in, one at a time, to see how well we could navigate over water in a hamster ball... it was funny. I think it's video taped, which scares me, but I laughed a lot trying to stand up in that thing, and falling down repeatedly like some sort of drunken sailor... very interesting, and amusing. The air in those balls does get quite hot and thick, making you feel like you're breathing CO2, so each of our experiences were barely 5 minutes long, if that. I think I was out of that thing by the time 2 minutes rolled around. But, I did it - and it was fun. The peddle boats were another matter. Ben and I couldn't for the life of us steer that thing to save our souls. It became an ugly moment, but after being so frustrated that our cohorts ended up tying us to their 4-seater and dragging us to our destination, we finally got a handle on things on the way back to the docks. I guess, after hearing from others, that they are definitely difficult to navigate. It wasn't just us... There was also a slide into the 'pool' at this campsite, which most of us took turns going down. I haven't been down a pool slide in probably 25+ years, so it was nerve wracking to say the least. I screamed like a girl each time I went down... but I ended up going down it several times anyway. The weeds were thick, which freaked me right out. I was sure the Swamp Thing was going to grab me up and sink me... Everyone was a little freaked by the weeds, but it's a river, so what are you going to do? There happened to be a very entertaining 'it bike' available for use at the 'pool', which was nothing short of the most amusing part of this campsite. The it bike is a watercraft, made up of a wide floating base with a 'bike' on top, which you peddle and steer around on top of the water. The seat was broken, and my first attempt on it was in the dark, in an altered state, and was completely hilarious for the onlookers. We each had our fun with it, and suggested they have them for rent, but their limited ability to navigate the thick weeds in the river posed a problem, so they decided to forfeit that idea, and just allow the campers to use the one at the pool. If there were more of them I'm sure we would have had races and scooted around the river as a group... but the one we did have was quite fun as it was...

No spiders made homes in my hair at night, thank GOD, because I forgot my crunchy plastic shower cap at home. I can say that I was covered in mosquito bites one night after laying down and having one insist that I was going to be his meal for the day. That was annoying... to say the least. Having to shower yourself with OFF spray before bed is not an enjoyable way to lay down for the night. Overall the bugs weren't a problem... just that one bastard. And, I didn't encounter any skunks on this trip... I heard a few things, and saw what I believe was either a beaver or a large muskrat swimming near our campsite, but for the most part it was only loudly honking geese who take residence across the inlet from where we were. Both wild and domesticated geese were there... and kept staring across the way, as if to indicate their interest in the possibility of a morsel or two. The children fed the geese in the early morning, but only for a brief bit... they didn't want any part of the adults who came along to watch.

I can say that, after 24 hours, I'd had my fill. The morning of day 2 and I was spent. I didn't sleep well, I was grumpy, hot, and tired... ready for home. I think I made that obvious enough... which is a weakness of mine. I don't hold back when I have a mood. Coming home, we crashed into a nap immediately. Didn't even unpack the car first. It was just so exhausting to me overall. I can't say that I'll ever 'want' to go camping again. I didn't this time, and I probably won't next time either. I did it because the others wanted to, and it was an experience worth having, but on a very minimal basis.

I'm sorry this post isn't as amusing as the last one - but overall, this experience wasn't amusing. We did have a few moments of hilarity - one being a trip to TOPS in which we discovered we weren't as prepared to drive and shop as we initially thought. I wouldn't recommend it - because paranoia sets in, and you end up either freaking yourself out, or freaking other people out in the process of trying to gain control of your mental faculties... "How did we get here?!" and "They're onto us!" were frequent comments made during that trip. There were other quotable moments during the time spent... but my mind fails me. Maybe my partner in crime Nikki will add a comment and share some. I know her husband Joe had a couple of good ones.

We've been offered a schooling on camping by some pros I know... it may be a good idea, but not for a long time... a LONG time.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Camping... not for the faint of heart

Realize first that this post comes BEFORE I even attempt to go on this camping journey... being the anxious antisocial, it should come as no surprise to my vast fan base.

Camping is a learned craft that, when perfected, can be an enjoyable experience - to an extent. My years as a child camping with my family did me no favors, as I don't recall any fond memories of the events. I wasn't old enough to be able to protest, and the process was completely handled by my parents, but still. It wasn't fun for me.

Picturing myself in this not-so-woodsy experience has me thinking - almost constantly - about what the hell I'm going to do out there. If left to my own devices, I'd probably exist on PB&J and water. With two fairly experienced campers (as well as fairly enthusiastic ones), I know things will even out... but still. I'm picturing myself in the midst of a muddy, cold, rainy campground with strangers looking at us like we have no idea what we're doing. We're not astute in the ways of fire building, cooking outside, or much of any of the other things campers do. Here's me, in a slight panic, looking around and thinking "where is my next meal coming from?"

There are things to do at this campground - don't get me wrong. It's near water, there are things you can rent to entertain yourself on the water... man powered water crafts, a riverboat tour, etc. One thing I envisioned was to be inside of a 'hamster ball' (large floating ball that a human can "run" on the water in), finding myself not alone inside of this capsule of death, but being accompanied by a large intrusive spider who is not all too happy with being spun around as I try to navigate in this giant plastic water toy. I fall into panic, to the point of passing out, and the camp staff will need to call in the fire department to come drag me and this oversized death ball out of the water in order to save me from an untimely demise.

I have a number of shortcomings that will do me no good out in the wild. I have no sense of balance, my eyesight is poor, especially in the dark, I poop easily, and have little common sense when it comes to outdoor activities. What if I have to wander a quarter mile to the restrooms, and a skunk happens to be in my path - and it decides to turn and spray me with its ungodly stench? I'd end up shoved into a large hefty bag, tied at my neck, riding in the back of the car with all the windows open, hopefully keeping my husband from hurling as he races me home for a tomato juice soak! What else could possibly happen in that situation? Me sitting a good distance from my group for the duration of the trip, smelling like death, having them toss a coin to see who brings me a veggie hot dog? That's just bad. These are the things I think of. Also wet clothes, unwearable mud crusted shoes, no extra clothing... and what about sleeping situations? We'll be in a little camper, but I WILL be bringing a plastic shower cap to sleep in, for fear of giant spiders and bugs crawling around me. Sleep will be minimal, I'm sure. Crunching plastic shower cap around my ears as I try to find a comfortable position in a tiny trailer next to my husband who will by doing his best to sleep through my tossing, all while trying to wear his sleep apnea mask that HOPEFULLY will have a power source. If not, we're all screwed. I feel I'll be coated in a sticky layer of bug spray the entire time, leaving a nice film on whatever blanket or sleeping bag I happen to try to stay warm under. This is going to be epic. Can you feel it?

Luckily we're near not only a restaurant, but a small village that has enough shops that carry items I know we'll forget... At least we can pay to eat... and gather supplies as necessary. It isn't true camping, as some would say, but hell... it's as close as I'm ever going to get.

I'm sure the true tale of this experience will be far less entertaining than this post, but I had to write it out, to get it off my chest, and find a tiny bit of peace in it as I dwell on what I hope will never happen. If I happen to die in that hamster ball, you can harken to this post and say 'she had a feeling it was going to be bad!'

Monday, August 8, 2011

there once was a man...

As I sat drinking coffee and thinking, as I usually do in the morning, I found myself thinking about my dad. Back in the day, he had coffee to start his day too. He wasn't afraid of a little sugar and creamer to help break up the sometimes cheap bitter flavor. I don't know if he would have used a sugar substitute... he was diabetic, but rarely took that into consideration. In the 80s, there weren't nearly as many options for sugar substitutes, but then, those were pricey, and he kept things simple when it came to grocery needs. About all he wanted was peanut butter, white bread, and soda. And coffee.

My dad was a hard worker. He started out with his own business as a car mechanic with a friend who ended up being a life-long car salesman. After a while, a certain wealthy telephone company owner in Spencerport caught his eye, and he asked my dad to join his team, working on telephone poles and servicing people's phone needs. He did that for 19 years. Hard work really, and brutal in the winter, when he'd have to wear all sorts of extra clothes and still be nimble enough to climb those poles. He didn't want anything to do with a desk job though, and often was offered the opportunity, but chose to stay out in the elements. He fell once or twice from those poles, injuring his heels as he fell and landed right on them. He was out of work for a while for that... Overall I think he felt he did his best, and worked as hard as he could for his family.

Our life was a decent one - never had a lot, but always made it. Fridays were paydays and he'd always come home with some of his favorite junk foods: a loaf of italian bread, a pound of real butter (mostly for my mother's sake), a jar of pepperocini, and a jar of green olives. We had homemade pizza most Friday nights. Mom would make it on her well worn cookie sheet... mostly cheese and pepperoni. Pizza, soda, and television crowded our Friday evenings. It was family time... with the addition of my brother's or my friend we could bring home for the evening on Friday nights. When that happened, mom would make homemade chocolate chip cookies for us to enjoy. She made the best cookies! Ah, good memories. My friends still harken back to those nights... it was good.

My dad wasn't meant for a long life... he ended up with cancer at the age of 49, and didn't last through that year. I was in college, and my brother was working and supporting his 3 year old son - we all lived together. As the months grew harder for him, we all tried to make things as easy as possible for him. He had some luck with a trial drug study, but that soon faded. He gave up after that. Didn't have the will to fight what he knew internally was going to be his demise. I don't blame him... it's tough to be in pain all the time, and feel so helpless and scared.

Some of the things I remember are the coffee in the mornings. I still have the cup he used to favor. He would lace up his tall work boots, wear a long sleeved flannel shirt, tuck a handkerchief in his back pocket, and had a big leather belt with an even bigger buckle on it. Never understood the need for big belt buckles... but he seemed to like it. Before he went out the door, he'd kiss me and mom goodbye. Those are the moments I remember. The moments when it was just him and me... when I had his attention, even for a brief moment. He and I were a lot alike - very inward, and short on things to say when it came to matters of the heart. I knew he loved me. I still have little notes he wrote me saying so. Those are the things I keep...

He loved softball... played, coached, and latter umpired when he couldn't play any longer. He ump'ed until he was too ill to do it anymore. I think he tried to live normally for himself and for us as long as possible. He was a good man to a lot of people. They remembered him and honored him at his memorial service - packing the church to the brim. I think he touched more lives than he realized.

So here I sit with my coffee... thinking about a man who has slipped through my life, onto life eternal. It's been a long time... but he's still with me every day. I miss my dad. I often wonder the type of man he'd be now - retired, relaxed... tinkering with engines and enjoying the old corvette that my mother still has to this day. Simple life, that was what he liked. Nothing fancy, nothing in the lime light. Just a man, loving the Lord, living the best life he knew how. I try to emulate that... and be a lover of Christ, a lover of simple life, and a blessing to others. I think he'd be pleased with who I am now. I'll have to ask him when I see him again...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Volunteering...

I know I've crested this subject before, but since there's a break in Wheel of Fortune, I figured I'd write about tonight's volunteering at Purple Pony Therapeutic Horsemanship.

There's a lot of credit to be given to the ladies and men who volunteer their time for this cause. A lot of them work all year long at it, and give quite a bit of their time to making sure the lessons are successful, fun, and of course therapeutic for the riders. I've done this for two years now, and even though I drag my ass there every week, I end up having a decent time working with the students and the horses. There are a few students who I've become friendly with, and tonight I worked with one of them. She's a great little girl, very happy, fun, and excited about lessons. She's funny too - doesn't go long without a smart comment about whatever's going on. Tonight was no exception. She was nervous about the horse she was riding, because he can be very moody, and not do exactly as he's directed. He's a big guy too, which makes it difficult to direct him, if you're the lead. We had a newbie as lead tonight, and it was a bit rough, truth be told. He wasn't familiar with the horse or his role in the whole scenario, so things didn't go 'smoothly'. With an unruly horse, a virgin driver, and a skittish rider, it can be a bit awkward to get a lesson in that is actually beneficial to the rider. I try to make the best of it, cracking jokes (to which my rider friend warns me "no laughing! we'll get in trouble!" (we're supposed to be concentrating, and I end up doing about half of the concentrating I should be...

In a way the riders are like the horses... they have their little quirks, their disabilities, their shortcomings... the horses do too... they're either moody, skittish, bored, or all of the above. Lessons are a practice in patience for these animals, and they're not always up for the task at hand. So, to combine those two entities, things can get hairy. That's usually why they have two people side-walking with the student, and one person in charge of the horse (the lead). It can be fun, but it's not always about fun... there are things that are supposed to happen in order for the 'therapeutic' part of the lesson to take place. Stretching, leaning, guiding the animal to do what they need them to do for various games and tasks... It goes without saying that some days are better than others.

Overall these volunteers who run this program are excited and well meaning folks who do their very best to make the experience a good one for those who participate. I admire them for their efforts and their heart for the cause.

I don't know how long I'll be a part of this volunteer group, but I've gotten a lot from it. I'm a better person for being part of it, and I have learned quite a bit about so many things while I've worked with the horses and the riders. I've broadened my horizons. I hope to inspire friends to participate in these things, but I'm afraid I haven't been successful in that so far. Maybe some day...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I nicknamed him Jasper...

Me being a lover of animals can be detrimental at times... although so far, I've never really been hurt by an animal. I have little fear, but know the limits of wild animal contact enough to be wise in my interactions with them. Last night was a new experience...

Trying to sleep, I'd closed my eyes and started praying as usual. I had the doors to the deck open, and the fan blowing the cool air in through the screen doors. I'd left an aluminum ladder on the upper deck outside the bedroom after painting and started to hear it squeaking every so often. I attributed it to the wind, and continued to pray... but the noises were strange, and I thought about how the wind was way too minimal last night to cause such a ruckus. So, excused myself from prayer, put on my glasses, and turned the deck lights on, only to find a young raccoon on the deck, curiously wandering about. He/she saw me, and turned and scooted toward the corner of the deck, furthest from me. I shut the door. The poor thing seemed to be stuck up 3 stories from the ground, without a clear way of escape. He sat down in the corner, then laid down, and put his head down as if to rest. I had no idea how long he'd been up there. It could have been all day in the brutal heat. So, I found myself pitying him, and went down to the kitchen for some sugar snap peas and water. I tossed a few peas out the window near him, and he scooted again toward the other end of the deck, again, furthest from me. When I put the water out, he tried his best to get away from me, but again seemed at a loss as to how to get down from such a height. I turned the lights off, and shut up the doors so the cats couldn't freak out... and watched. He ate the snap peas up quickly, making me think he'd been up there a while and was hungry. I dropped the rest of the peas I had out the window after he walked over to the water... and he soon finished up all of the peas. Meanwhile I called Ben who was out... and mom who was still up at 11 p.m., asking about their large 'have-a-heart' trap that I might come and get from them in the morning. The raccoon would stand on his hind legs here and there, peering into the house to see what I was up to, or maybe to see what the cats were doing. I left it at that, praying for the Lord to protect him and get him down from the height he had gotten himself to.

Once Ben got home, the raccoon had escaped - which I was grateful for. I knew he was young and curious, and thought back to a giant poop that appeared on the lower deck last week... and I wondered. Maybe this little guy had been looking around out of curiosity, but why come back after not finding any goodies the first time? I have an idea he may have indeed found goodies INSIDE the house on Saturday night when we were out quite late, because on Sunday morning the large bag of cat food which the cats never bother with was curiously wide open as if someone had helped themselves to it. I remembered that, and thought surely he must have come through the cat door that leads from the kitchen to the deck. We've had chipmunks do the same thing, only they were after the birdseed bag that sits next to the cat food bag. Ah wildlife!

So: no more leaving the deck door open at night. No more leaving goodies for the animals to be attracted to... Seems silly to have to do that when the lower deck is 20 feet up from the ground. But, they climb! I find it slightly amusing, and not at all scary, but Ben doesn't like the idea of wild animals roaming around the house. To be honest, neither do I. Jasper will have to be satisfied in locating his meals elsewhere. He's young... he'll adapt.

All of God's creatures are precious to me. I want to help in any way possible. But, I know that my 'help' isn't best for what nature intends for these creatures... so I must resist. It was a wonderful moment to watch Jasper last night... being close enough to want to touch him, but far enough for him to be comfortable munching away at the snap peas I'd provided. Hopefully we won't have another episode tonight!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

entitlements...

I watched the president last night, AND the speaker of the house with his 'retort'... and have to say that even though I'm not a republican or a democrat, I can see the problems with having only two major parties in charge of things. I doubt it will ever end, and there will always be the plethora of underlying reasons why senators and congresspeople do what they do. They make promises to groups and get extra 'incentives' for leaning in their direction. They throw things into bills that don't belong there, and don't have anything to do with the bill itself, just to get an underhanded/dirty backdoor law in place where lobbyists and large corporations can get away with more, pay less taxes, extend their underhanded practices, etc. I don't like how human nature and greed has overcome our governmental system. It's been a mess for decades, and there's nothing that I've seen lately that has changed that. I have faith in the president. I believe he wants bigger changes than he is capable of winning. I can see where he stands, and what he wants to do... it makes sense to me, but then that's just me.

Entitlements seems like such a bad word for what it represents. I myself, and my family members have been part of these entitlements, and I know for a fact that my mother and father worked hard for what my mother now receives on a monthly basis. She can't get by without it, nor should she have to. Social security was supposed to be a protected fund, not allowed to be touched or used for any other purpose than what it was initially intended for. Yet, here we are. Medicaid and Medicare fraud runs rampant, and the laws and loopholes are such that allow doctors to fraud the system, individuals to rape the system due to their dishonest behaviors. It's sick, but I can see how a free country like ours can be taken advantage of. It's easy... easier than working for a living. Welfare should not be an 'entitlement', but social security and medical coverage should be. You can't help your illnesses sometimes... you can't help getting older. You put into the pot, year after year, and you expect that, after all the years of service/work that you'll be able to live decently after you can't work anymore, or stop working due to age... I know I'm missing a lot of it, and if my friend Vinessa reads this, she may clue me into some of what I don't know...

What I do know is that the Lord reigns over this earth. He knows what's going on, down to the last, the least, and the lost. He sees. I trust He won't allow for the faithful, who trust in Him for their every day, to suffer due to the lack of morality and ethical standings of the people in charge. All I can do is pray that He will care for us. He promises that in the bible... and I trust in His promises.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

kids...

Okay I'm on a roll... children are a gift from the Lord... that's what they say, right? I'm not in love with that saying. I've never been a lover of children, and have never felt the need to be a parent. I don't know where that stems from, because I had an excellent childhood, wonderful parents, and a beautiful upbringing that I have only fond memories of. Why would someone like that not dig kids? I don't. I don't have a love of spending time with children, I don't care to, and I never have. It seems odd to some people, especially my older Christian friends/acquaintances.

I love hearing the neighbors' kids frolicking in the pool they got put in last year. I love hearing the laughter of children, and seeing them smile, laugh, play... it's a joy. But, there are points when my uncertainty of children takes over, and I shut down in the midst of what would be a fun time for all. I know for a fact that my husband is the favorite in every child-friendly situation. He adapts well to the environment, and ends up being the 'fun one'. It's good, because it keeps me from being approached by the children in the scenario. I know at least one of my friends may take offense to this, but I can't help it. I seize up in these situations. I clam up, I can't think of what to say, what to do, or what to be for/to children. I must seem like the biggest bitch sometimes, because I end up being quiet and keeping to myself, or even walking away. It's not an easy personality trait to maintain, OR overcome.

I, and my husband as a result of our decision to not have children, have had a lot of questions thrown at us in the midst of these situations. I can't say it's easy to get parents to understand my (our) perspective on the children issue, and so when asked, I end up giving a life story of how I never played with dolls, never felt the need to be a parent, never wanted to be around children, etc. To this day I know I've been looked upon as 'unusual', although my mother (bless her soul) has always maintained that it's fine to be who I am, and it's good that I knew before I tried to have a family that it wasn't for me. Why can't other people just be the way my mother is? I know she'd rather have more than one grandchild... (and she does, with her step family)... but why must I be the 'unusual' person who chose to remain vigilant with what I knew in my heart was best for me? I get pastors looking at me like I have three heads... families who love children so much and have since they were small feel like I was a negative aspect on their families' lives... thank goodness for close friends who don't judge! Not saying any of the people who may take offense to this blog judge me (us), but still... it's a stretch for them to understand who we are and what we want out of life. Frankly, sometimes it's questionable for me as to what we want out of life, but there lies the struggle.

I've been an animal advocate/activist for years. I want to be a 'George Eastman' in some regards. Being able to give to the people and places that my heart feels are in need of my aid, and places I feel I could make an impact. I don't know if my husband feels the same sense of philanthropy that I feel, but that's my goal in life. To aid animals and their needs when it seems as though so many don't see their need, or for that matter, care. I wanted in the deepest depths of my soul to be an elephant caregiver in Tennessee for a long time now. I've applied repeatedly, volunteered, and been a part of the Elephant Sanctuary (elephants.com) for a while now, ever since I saw the piece that CBS made on their uncommon friendship between one of the elephants and a dog they'd adopted on the grounds. It warmed my heart - thrilled me to my soul - to think that I could be part of this sanctuary and all that it holds dear. To this day my heart still holds that hope, but it hasn't been what the Lord wants for me, so I go on, hoping, watching, and loving instead.

Children are wonderful, there's no question. I know that children are who hold the future, and are what so many people disregard in terms of education, truly strong family upbringings, and future needs for our country. We as Americans have slid backward in the family unit, and have allowed the children to pay the price. I see our country in crisis when it comes to the family and the values that family holds. There are broken homes, people who shouldn't have children who bring them up poorly or not at all. What we need to give focus to is the educational system and the moral decay that our country has allowed to happen.

If you have children, be sure to nurture them as best you're able, and give them all of the values and strength that your parents gave you. If that's not enough in your opinion, then give them more. Give them all you have... they are so valuable. Me, I give what I can to my friends and family's children. I try to instill in them a sense of independence, self worth, and need to strive for whatever their hearts desire. They can do anything if they're given the opportunity and set their minds to it. They have to know that, and believe in themselves for that to come to fruition. It takes a village, for sure - people who can impact their lives, instill in them the will and the understanding of what could be. I know I can impact the lives of children outside of rearing them... and that's what I try to do.

friendships that fall short...

Again, the introverted anxiety stricken person writing this has to come forth first with the reality that this isn't always the case for everyone. I am a very specific personality type and I've realized that not everyone cares for the way I am or the way I speak, act, etc. I've had to make some difficult decisions in the past, and not so distant past, that has brought me to the point of distancing myself from others. Others, specifically certain individuals that I've either grown away from, or who have grown away from me. It isn't always me, but a combination of different lifestyles, different life decisions, and different life goals that have brought these things to fruition. It always takes two to tango, so they say... and sometimes friendships get left behind for many good (and bad) reasons.

I've read things that say sometimes it's necessary to distance one's self from certain people, depending on what has become of the relationship, or what has become of either person's life. I've had a difficult year. Probably one of the worst years in my life so far... in fact, yes... it has been. Growth has been mandatory. I don't deny the fact that I've gone down hill in some aspects of my life, and have had to climb my way back to where I think I need to be. Based on my faith, which is strong and overrides most of my life's decisions, I've felt a sense of failure in a lot of things. Some of the people who love me, and who I love in return have been gracious enough with me to continue to support me, continue to want to be around me, and visit with me on a fairly regular basis. For that I'm grateful. There are others who have distanced themselves, for either their own personal or professional reasons. I get that... I'm street smart, which allows me the ability to sense when things aren't always as people verbalize. One thing about verbal versus actions is that you can always tell eventually what the real story is.

Letting go of friendships isn't easy. In fact it's been very difficult for me in the past. I had a 'bestie' who now is less than that... to the point of being quite quiet in my life. I realize we're very different people, and have very different paths, goals, jobs, views on the world, and most everything else. I wonder how our friendship ever blossomed to the point that it once was, to be honest. I love her very much, and I know she still loves me, but at this point in life, it's just too difficult to blend our lives right now. I have to take most of the blame for that, as my life has been the one to change drastically in the last year, and hers has not. What I know is that walking away for a while can be a good thing. It isn't always negative. Stepping back and taking a look at things from a distanced perspective is good to do once in a while. I know deep down that there are things about me that have changed, but I also realize that I can be a good friend to people no matter what stage of life I'm in. Ask my friend Lisa Tucker. She'll tell you who I was and who I am now, because we've been friends for 35 years. I'll never lose Lisa as a friend, because we've bonded to the point of being family. Her family is mine, and mine is hers. Those types of friendships are precious and you can't put into words the value they have.

What am I saying in all of this? I'm just saying that it's okay that we change, it's okay that we're not the same person we were in high school, and it's okay that sometimes we move on from people who may hold us back, or who we may hold back as a result of the changes in our lives and personalities. Sometimes there are circumstances that bring us back together. I had that happen recently. I hadn't spoken with a friend in nearly 10 years, and she reached out to me as her mother was dying. I knew it was the right time to rally that friendship, and it has been a blessing since. You can sometimes see the reasons for these things, step outside of yourself, and be who you need to be for the other person. It can be a blessing that the Lord puts in your path... and you may be able to help someone who you never thought you'd be able to help again. It's a good feeling... to be more than you were before to someone. To grow in a place where you were once stagnant. That's what life is about - growth. Being more. Striving for better. Being successful in many things outside of the workplace. I think that's what the Lord has taught me this year... to be more than who I was in the workplace. To believe in myself outside of my ability to do a job, and do it well. I am more than what I was before. I'm better. I'm more rounded, more balanced, and more successful in parts of my life that I'd left stagnant before.

Be more. Do what you can for others. Stand in the gap for someone who needs your help. It's worth it. It's a gift we as human beings can give one another.

Monday, July 18, 2011

a weekend away from home

It's funny, being an anxious introvert, how much just a few days can take me down to where I'm just exhausted. This morning is no exception. We went away to some friends' hometown for the weekend to enjoy a surprise birthday party and a weekend of 'summer fest' fun. Most of what was happening was drinking and dancing, laughing with their family and friends, and generally having a good time. No pool to be found, although we were told there would be... silly little communication breakdown, but I was jazzed to sit by a pool and enjoy the sun and water. Oh well.

Memories are often made on excursions like this one... and this weekend was no exception. We went into town to hear a band play at a local bar, because the birthday girl really loves doing that during 'summer fest'. We got into it, it was amusing to say the least, but one of our cohorts was a little past the point of no return even as we headed out to town. From there, it was all downhill for him. Town was about 2 miles away from where we stayed, and the taxi services in town were minimal. Once 3 a.m. hit, there was no way of getting back except by hoofing it. Ah, good times! Meanwhile, our friend who was beyond himself needed to get home as well, but wasn't intending on going back to where we were staying. He lives in the other direction. Well, he had to come with us, and we had to walk... so, off we went... dragging our companion with us as he stumbled along with one of the guys in our pack trying to keep him upright. I was not amused. It takes a lot for me to get angry but I was, and it wasn't pretty. We got past the four cops who had pulled over a girl and was giving her a sobriety test... thank goodness... but as we continued on, the task multiplied. Our friend had flip flops on, and every three or four steps he tried to take, one or both of his flops flew off his feet. It was funny as I look back, but what a chore trying to get him home! At one point the 90 pound girl trying to help this 240 pound dead weight drunk took the helm in aiding his walk along the side of a very dark road. Three steps in, and both of them fell to the ground... he tossed her like a rag doll, and ended up on his back. Both were fine, laughing uncontrollably, but she figured out fast that she couldn't help the rest of us with the challenge. She ended up sprinting ahead to get the car, and we all wound up having only to walk about half the distance we faced. It was quite a mess, all things considered, and he remembered none of it. I laughed at the sight of his flip flops the next day, because they were all scuffed and worn from the beating they took during our walk. Ah memories!

Overall, it was a great time, and we had fun. Met some nice people, and enjoyed the time. Sometimes it's good to get away and do something different, and this was exactly that... However, I've had my fill of 'doing something different' for a bit, and am quite content sitting at home writing and trying to get the house put back together.

Summer is a time of fun and folly, for sure. I enjoy the summer and all that it has to offer... the heat I could do without - being near 90 all this week isn't sounding so great. I may just get a little white trashy and put a kiddie pool out on the deck for myself to sit in and cool off. :) Maybe.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What to say... hmmm...

I have it in my head to talk about Casey Anthony, but there's so much discussion about it, it seems I'm only perpetuating the wrongness by talking more about it. Therefore, I say, the world has become a place where evil abounds, and whatever comes of her and her family is just what the world has for them. I hope they have a firm faith, or have found faith in the midst of all of this... and from there, they can only get better, and hopefully heal.

Now, on to more matters of importance. Being on a 40 foot ladder at a peak about 3 stories high is a feat in itself. I've had the privilege of being gifted with a lack of fear of heights, and it serves me well in the home we've been blessed with. I try to paint the outside of the house as it needs it, and boy, it sure needs it in certain places. Thankfully the largest side of the house is covered in ivy, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to tackle that task. Meanwhile, I'm tackling another section, which is nearly as high, but doesn't have the enormous slope in the ground surrounding the north side. However, without enough strength to handle moving this huge ladder (which weighs a TON), I'm stuck waiting on strong male family members to come and help me move it. I don't like being forced to depend on others. That's one thing I've always struggled with. I like my independence, and don't care to give it up. Lacking fear of much of anything is one thing, but patience is a virtue I have yet to fully learn. Believe me, I'm trying. This past year I've grown a lot in that realm, but times like these it fails me.

What makes one strong? There are a lot of answers to that question. Inner strength is a wonderful thing... I feel like I have a lot of inner strength, but there are certain aspects of life that bring out the intimidation and uncertainty. I can say that things in my past have strengthened me... going through difficulties always brings a certain increase in wisdom and strength. How I wish we didn't have to bear struggles in order to gain wisdom and strength! One thing you can't really pass on to others is strength. You can talk of your own, and allow people to see strength through opening your heart to them, but it doesn't translate into strength for them. What they are able to glean from your openness is golden, but they have to find strength on their own.

My family is one of codependence and enabling. I hate to say I'm in that same category, because I see all the wrong in it when I look at OTHER family members... but yes, I am among them in these things. We want so much to help one another to be better, stronger, wiser, and overall healthier people, but we lack the ability to see that we can't transfer strength to one another as much as we'd like to. The family unit is indeed an avenue of strength - knowing you have people to support you, like the ones coming to move the ladder today. Allowing them to make bad decisions and rely on you to help them out of those decisions is another matter entirely. We do that. I try not to, but in my heart, they're my family, and it's a guilt that lingers if I don't at least help a little.

One of my family members just moved home after being states away for 5+ years. He struggled a lot while he was away... found himself in situations that certainly built his wisdom and strength as he went through them. I can say now that he is a stronger, more mature person who knows the value of family, the value of a dollar, of a roof over his head, a bed to lay on, and food to eat. Those are priceless lessons of life that you can't get any other way but by going through the bad situations. I'm proud of him. He inspires me in those things he's endured.

In any case, perhaps this trial that has been going on for 3 years with the Anthony family will bring them wisdom and discernment that they didn't have before. Perhaps they've all been able to take something good away from what they've been through. I hope so. No one can live their lives or know their pain like they do. It's possible that no one knows what really did happen, except for the person(s) who committed the crime. If so, it may be a daunting task to continue on in life, not knowing what happened to Caylee... but I don't think living life in the middle of the pain of not knowing is going to get them any peace. Hopefully they'll find strength and be able to move on successfully.

Friday, July 1, 2011

second go...

Ben and I went to see Roger Waters of Pink Floyd last year in Buffalo. It was a concert that Ben called his "3 Tenors" moment. The history of that was, when I was 26, I had an opportunity to go to see the Three Tenors in Toronto. They are my all time favorite musicians. I knew I'd never have the opportunity to see them again, so I spent a foolish amount of money to go. It was magnificent. Best money I've ever spent. I can't tell you how thrilled I STILL am over being able to go see them. Now that Pavoratti is gone, there's no way that can be recreated, and I'm so glad I chose to splurge and go. So, with Ben, Roger Waters has that same appeal. We went, and it was magnificent.

What I came away with in all of that, not being a huge Pink Floyd fan myself, was the crowd. The place was packed. You couldn't hear yourself think when the crowd began to cheer. I stopped for a moment and drank that in. I thought "what must it feel like to be someone who can be the type of person or the level of artist who can generate that sort of response just by walking out on a stage? Would that be the most thrilling moment in the life of any man? And to live it again and again like Roger Waters or Luciano Pavoratti does/did, is it as momentous as it was for me as I thought about it there in the arena? I hope so. I hope they drink it in, and that it causes them to become even more aware of their talent, their worthiness, and their life as an artist. Fanfare has so much adrenalin to it... so much life in it. There is such a feeling of overwhelming adoration and praise. I can only imagine.

There are days where I would love nothing more than to be that level of artist... and then there's me, the real person, who would shy away from that sort of accolade. Should we strive to be all that we can be, only to receive that sort of adoration from others? No... we shouldn't rely on human emotion to make who we are in this world. We have to be who we are, no matter if we're ditch diggers, multi million dollar musicians, homemakers, parents, or anything else. To be all we can for the life we're given is what counts. Do all you can in the place you've been established. Life isn't about the accolades. It won't be on our tombstones... it won't be what people remember. Our legacy will reflect who we are to one another.

today I write

Today I figured that, I can write fairly well, so why not try here? I probably won't be one who is faithful to this venture, but it's worth trying, and I like to express myself in word better than in voice.

I've been unemployed for almost a year now. July 13, 2010 was a day I'll never forget. I never in my wildest imagination thought I'd be fired from a Christian institution, but guess what... I was. I've grown since then. I've become more since then. I've become better since then, in ways. I see the 20/20 version of my past from this year I've had to think, renew, and grow.

What I hope to express to people who happen  upon this blog, is that, no matter what others may think of you, and no matter what you may find yourself thinking of yourself, you're more than that. You're so much more. I find myself dwelling in my own mind every day - thinking of what I could be, what I want to be and do, what life holds on a daily basis... A lot of time I'm alone daily. I have a great partner in life who has, praise the Lord, been able to keep us afloat, and in a way that we haven't struggled financially. I attribute that to the Lord. To my relationship with Him, and what He's promised me in this life. It's a blessing to be able to say that, and to live that. There are so many who can't say that. My life is supposed to be one of blessing others, leading them to the faith that I have, and hopefully being more to people than they've had before. It's tough to break out of my shell in that. I'm an antisocial introvert by nature, and a lot of days, I don't care about others. I'm within myself and within my own space/soul/life. I need to stretch myself and be more. There's a song that really speaks to me, called "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. It's really about me. Population Me. To me, breaking out of the norm and making a change scares the hell out of me. But, that's my job. I pray for the Lord to lead me to the ones I need to reach...

In any case, I have hopes and dreams that have been put on hold, dashed, misunderstood, and shut out. I've also had a year to realize that those things weren't right for me at the time. Time is what the Lord uses to bring us to a new place. To lead us in the path we were meant for, and to strengthen us so that we can be successful in the path He has for us. I want to be more than what I've been for the last year. I want to be SO much more. I know I will be, but not in my time. Time is a funny thing... it can heal, but it can also break down, crush, dismay, and cause us to be uncertain about who we are and what we're meant for.

So, in all of that, be encouraged. I have many people in my life, and some who aren't a part of my life daily who I know are on my side, pray for me, encourage me through thought and prayer, and who I can always count on to give me what I need when I need it. I pray for so many people - for them to have what they need on a daily basis... to not be so down that they can't see any light. I've learned a lot from the friends I have who have the same level of depression that I have - who have been suicidal, hospitalized, medicated, broken. They give me strength, knowing they know what I know on a day to day basis. I know I've made a difference in lives, and I thank God for that.

Give God a chance. He won't let you down. Be blessed. Look around you. If you were to toss the cross you bear into a pile with others' crosses, you'd realize that yours isn't so bad, and you'd pick it up again. Your cross is yours - no one else can bear what you do. No one else was made for what you've been made for, so be encouraged and step forward in faith, knowing that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Strength for today is all that's given... so don't spend time worrying about tomorrow. It'll have its own strength for you when you reach it. Don't be afraid. Take courage.