When you're not sure if you should share it...

There are days, like today, when the world becomes too much for my mind and heart. The days when what I feel in my heart outweighs the reality around me. Days of heartache and confusion... self loathing and second guessing. I have days like that, and sometimes I want to shout it out and tell people... but other times I regress, knowing not everyone I know will understand or care or want to hear it. I have fear of someone I have on FB reading what I write and calling me in to the ward. Forcing my hand to put me into a "safe environment" away from life and of self harming. I don't like those restrictions, and I have never been one to forfeit my freedom for those "safe places". It's not safe, it's a place where all  you do is think about all of the garbage that fills your mind every day, and you sit in front of people you don't know, forcing you to "share". No thanks. I've had friends do that, and it doesn't seem to appeal to me, no matter how far down I get. I can climb back up... scratch, claw, dig deep. I can do it.

Bottom line is, I'm scared. I'm not good alone, and loneliness creeps in like a stalker, ready to take you for all they want. Fear breaks you down until you just don't know which end is up. You can't think straight, you can't talk... you just sit and mill over shit in your head over and over and over again, until it breaks you. I have enough experience with this to know that even the most skilled therapist wouldn't be able to grasp the realm of subconscious I have, or make sense of it. It doesn't make sense anyway, and it would be a futile effort for them to try... My mind is a swirling vortex of anxiety and fear... pain, self loathing, and utter futility. You can't make sense of those things. They're all within the person themselves... nothing outside of me will make it go away. Nothing.

The Lord has placed me in this life for a reason. He tries to develop me and my senses for His use. I get that, and I allow that to be a focus for my mind when I'm overwhelmed. Although His ways are secret, and my understanding is nil, I have to force myself into the faith that has taken me this far in my life. When I try to explain my faith to people, which is rare, it's hard for me to even believe that what I say is making any impact on someone. I think it's too far fetched... too "out there" for people to understand or try to accept. I don't try to convert people much. I share my experiences, and my faith when I'm prompted. But deep down, I don't think it does much good unless that person is faced with a life changing experience, and they look for God themselves. Otherwise, it's all words. Vacant... fleeting... empty.

I have friends who whole heartedly believe in expressing themselves against mosques in different places. That what they say will have impact on what the world has become. Great if you believe that, but my reality is simple: God moves where He wants to. This world has become such a cesspool of inhumanity, degradation, and self satisfaction that what I say has little to no effect on most people. They'll do what they will, and consequences be damned. If I shout out about a mosque in a city, what does that do? Facilitate anger to non believers? Enrage and bring about hate and the feelings of "intolerance"? Yup... you bet your life. Jesus wasn't about condemning the wrong or the sick or the perverted. He loved the lost, and loved them in the midst of their ugliness. Don't stand up and start preaching Jesus when you're looking down your nose at the people who need you most.

That's it. I'm done. Listen to Jesus. Be still, and listen. That's all I can say.