I've sat here, day after day, wondering what I would write as I walk through this uncertain time. It has been a struggle, none the less, and the days have gone by filled with anxiety and stress. Change is difficult, and for me even more so. Anxiety holds a firm hand on me, and when I see change in the distance, I perseverate on it... I hate that, but it's who I am.
The time has come for change in our lives. Ben will soon be on his way to London to spend 3 months working on a project that is new to his company. His company also being new to him (one year in October), he has been wondering, hoping, and worrying about what his place will be in this new environment. He has had to change his entire strategy for work: his clothes, his direction, his pace, etc. He has always said that change isn't something he deals with in fear... he will never NOT do something because of fear. That is certainly true today. This week he will move himself to London England for at least 3 months for work. A new endeavor for the company that he signed up for a year ago (without my consent). It will be a huge change in our daily lives, but that doesn't mean it will be forever. His commitment is 3 months, with the end being a gray area for all of us. His company doesn't have the knowledge before hand to know how long this will take, how much effort it will require, or how much of Ben's influence will be necessary to accomplish the task. All of that has been a burden on us, not knowing what the end will produce, or when the end will be...
My reality is simple: being alone. I wouldn't be nearly as anxious about it if I had a daily job to go to. I have my perspective, being part of an organization that required me to be present every day/forty hours a week. Now that that hasn't been the case, I know the Lord has placed me in this situation for the last 4 years in order to groom me for this next challenge. I will be alone, and will need to find myself within the confines of this house, this life. It is a daunting task, to be sure. Not having a routine keeps me from being productive daily. I find myself being lazy and half assed about what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis. Not at all productive when I look at it from here. This new "life" as it were, will mean forcing myself into a new role in life. Being a productive woman alone...
I have friends who have accomplished this... it isn't out of the realm of possibility. I just didn't choose it for myself, nor would I. But, all of that being in place, I need to stand tall in myself, knowing I CAN accomplish more, and I will, no matter how scary each day seems before me.
Will I be a supermodel by the end of the 3 months? Nah... it's too much to believe. But, there's nothing wrong with believing! I have a heart to know that whatever God has for me in this, it will happen. I'm anticipating great things in this time of change. Pray for us as we move faithfully into it!
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