I don't want to you know my inner struggles. Truly I want to keep them bound up within myself. There are times when I find my struggles are only valid to me and God. I'm struggling to keep it within my own heart right now.
I'm drunk. I'm struggling. I realize the boarders of my existence. It's ugly, and scary, and real. If you're a person who deals with people like me, here's your chance to know the inner workings of the depressed anxious brain. Take notes.
I've lived alone for months now. I've been alone, even when I've been with my partner in a foreign country. It's ugly, and scary, and real. The issues with dealing with a foreign country are plentiful, and I don't expect for my friends to understand. Even still here I am, writing from my heart.
My partner comes home in 5 days. It's been a long time coming. Being a person who is involuntarily silent, I feel the anxiety of being part of a partnership again. Yes, it's what I've hoped for... his absence has been a struggle for me. He has had difficulty in it as well, but I know that my reality is more of a struggle. It's hard. Life is lonely when you are minus your significant other. Any one of you can step back from this and say that is true. Meanwhile Ive dealt with this now for what has been a month of not seeing my love for a month. Why? Work. The livelihood that he has chosen has been detrimental as well as beneficial to our lives. I'm struggling to even write these words.
I asked recently why people may think my life is easy... on Facebook. I got several PC answers, all realizing that they don't know my life, and wouldn't assume to know what I deal with on a daily basis. It's not what ordinary people think of every day. The plight of the farm animals who fear for their lives and who are abused and beaten every day of their lives. You don't think of those things when you eat your meat or cheeses. I do. I get sick thinking of these things. Thanksgiving is just another reality that the country deals with and revels in that I get sickened over. What makes your life better than the animals you slaughter and eat for "thanksgiving?" It's sickening. You should at least acknowledge the reality of what you're serving to your families.
Meanwhile, I have those struggles, and the struggles of being alone in life for months at a time. No, don't pity me - hear me. Hear the anxiety of a person who doesn't get beyond the struggle of depression and anxiety in a day. The reality of knowing what the world brings upon the suffering. Why? Because you enjoy eating their carcases? Sick. Live with it. It's wrong.
Loneliness has brought me to a new reality of what we as humans do to our earth. It's not right, and it has brought us to where we are today. Water shortages that force us to realize that water is as valuable as oil is in this life. Wars, rumors or wars, plagues, petulance and all of the realities that the bible has warned us of. Be warned! Our ignorance of these things won't short stop because of our ignorance. We choose ignorance. We choose life outside of reality. Hollywood, movies, television... they all play to the fears and fixations are what they play to. It's time to wake up.
Where will you be when time comes to an end? I know where I'll be. You have nothing to loose by accepting Christ. You need to wake up and see where this world is going. Fear isn't enough to thwart the reality of what's coming.
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