There have been several deaths in the lives of people I know and care about. They were each people I've known, but not well. High school classmates who live nearby, and an ex-coworker's son. They were all young people. One took his own life, the other two were only 43 years old. Too soon... all very sad. All deaths are sad. Some are merciful, others are unexpected. None of them are easy. I can't say that I've been deeply effected by these deaths... I don't know why. Usually I'm overcome with grief. I take on the grief of others, which is a big flaw of mine. I'm preparing myself mentally for calling hours and the funeral of my high school friend. This one is the closest to my heart. My dear friends were her dear friends. We spent a lot of time together in high school. Since 25 years have gone by, we haven't been close, but always remained friendly. Her death was sudden and as of yet, the reasons are unknown. I know people who are devastated over this... people who don't have a lot of friends, and who aren't close to Jesus. Jesus helps me get through tough times. He is my hope for the future.
I haven't been feeling like life is very important. I don't see my life as important. I know that's not good. When I hear of someone passing, there's a point where I wonder if they're better off. The cancer patient isn't suffering anymore. The depressed man isn't suffering anymore. Life wasn't easy for them... Hopefully they're in a better place, but I don't know their fate. I believe in heaven and hell, so without certainty of their eternal state, I still wonder if they're better off. One can only hope they are. I envy those who get to leave this awful world and fall into the arms of God. What a wonderful place to be! Words don't come close to how my heart longs to be there too. But, they must go, and I must bide...
I've tried to be a help to my friends who are struggling with our classmate's recent death... They all seem so sad. The loss to them is huge. Not being close to our classmate for 25 years keeps me at a distance emotionally, but I guess, for me, that's okay. I'm not the strongest person emotionally. In fact, I think I'm pretty weak. Very few people know just how weak I really am. I put on a good front, and when I'm down, I force myself to continually say "I can do this." Sometimes I believe those words... sometimes not. I still think I convince the people concerned about me that I'm okay... but that's becoming more and more difficult as the years progress. It's exhausting. By the end of the funeral wednesday I know I'm going to be completely drained. It will take me a few days to get back to "normal" emotionally. But "I can do this."
I feel very sorry for the families left behind, because there is now a huge hole in their lives that will be their new normal. That's not a normal anyone wants to live with. Some of them don't know Jesus, but some do. Hopefully we as friends and loved ones can pray and comfort those who need it most. And, through that, perhaps someone will know Jesus through our efforts. One can only hope. I am only a child of God to these people... and Jesus uses us in times of need. I hope He uses me to help some of these people who are suffering with grief and loss. Please pray for these families. Pray for all of us. We certainly can't have too many people praying. Thanks.
