When I don't Want to...

There are days, like this one, where I wake up feeling so miserable, that I can't even talk to God. I don't know how other people deal with this feeling, but it takes me a while to climb out of it. It's all inward... nothing outside of myself is causing the misery. I just sit and think about how awful I am, how I don't measure up. How I look terrible... my face is a mess, I'm too fat for my clothes, and I'm too lazy to do anything about any of it. I can't possibly go to church looking like this... I'm embarrassed. I don't have any power over my own choices and my own failures. It's a really discouraging thing to just sit in the midst of your own mind and talk to yourself in anger and disgust. "You're not worth anything. You're worthless. You have nothing that anyone wants. You're ugly - look at what you've done to yourself. You can't be who you want to be, so just don't try."

God's always with me. I know that. He loves me even with these flaws I focus all my energy on. But that's just not enough some days. Some days I need to find it within myself to believe it. To believe that I'm worthy. To know that I have the power to overcome. Today I can't find that. I know it's early, but I've also been through enough of these days to know that the day will pass with me sulking in my bath robe, blanking out on the chores that need doing, or thinking about how I don't want to go to work tomorrow...

I don't have a Christ based ending to this one. I usually do, but today I can't even muster that. I have a friend who posts daily on the wonderful life Christ provides... the things that he sees as stumbling blocks that we can overcome with Christ. Yes, all good. But tell me how angry you got and how long it took you to forgive... or how bitter you are and how God got you past it. Give me a real reason to believe. God never promised ease in life... He promised difficulty. I'm seeing that today. Even though it's all within my own head and heart, it's real, and it's hard. Life sucks sometimes... the uncertainty... the lack of ability to do something necessary without wondering how that's going to be done or paid for... The world is not our friend. We're all out for #1 a lot of the time. It's called survival. Talk to me about that... about the struggle. I'm tired of fighting... and I know I'm not alone.

The sun is shining. I guess I can enjoy that. And yet...