Holidays are always tough for me. I end up stewing and feeling overwhelmed by anxiety from the beginning of November through January. My family is the majority of the issue. I have two of the 3 immediate family members who are bound with emotional chains that keep them from participating in holiday happenings. I try, every year... but so far in 2014 my family didn't get together for Thanksgiving, and all three of the three immediate family members forfeited a holiday meal because the gathering was too much for them. It makes my heart ache. I anticipate, with past experience, another lonely Christmas. Last year we had breakfast that lasted until dinner. That was great... but rare.
Yesterday I visited my brother at our childhood home, which he and my nephew occupy and care for. Well, care for is a stretch. My mom and step dad care for the property and buildings... my brother and nephew barely take the garbage out. All without paying anything to my mother for rent... Mom spent $20K of my stepdad's money this year to put a new roof on all the buildings, and a new septic system that was decades overdue. Things have started and stopped due to financial shortcomings. This is all happening while my brother refuses to work. Has not paid rent for 15 years. Neither my nephew. I have separated myself from the mix of enabling relationships. But, it does not separate my heart and mind from the issues at hand. The reality is in my face daily. As I stood in my childhood home, I noticed a lot of things. The landscape has not changed since my mother and I left. 15+ years of the same layout, aside from a newer couch in the middle of the dining room/living room space. The dog is new... but he doesn't help things. He would push open doors to the kitchen and bathroom and my brother, while we talked, continually had to move from one area to another in order to keep the doors shut. I guess it was either shame (unclean) or heat (heap). He has kept the same "live" Christmas tree up all year long, lit and dusty, since 2007. That in and of itself can provoke ideas of mental issues. He showed me a silver ornament that was mine as a child. I cried on the way home.
Why is it that dust and hoarding level junk all around doesn't effect him like it effects me? He invited me in without hesitation, but I see that as part of the mental health issues... why would you when you haven't cleaned the house in a decade? Why? What makes you live this way? You're more than this! You should require more of yourself... yet... all of that goes unsaid. I just can't get through no matter what is said. My mother either. We've given up hope for my brother on a lot of levels.
These things rattle around in my mind daily, especially this time of year. I can't change it, but it's still an issue in my heart, because he's my family. I've gone through therapy for all of this, and have learned to leave it alone. It's not my issue, and I can't control anyone but myself. Still, here I sit... in tears.
Please know that mental illness is a real thing that many of us cannot or will not overcome. Pray for my brother. He needs change. His life has been cathartic and suppressed living in our family home. I know he'll never leave unless forced, which is an entirely different issue I struggle with. It's real, and it hurts my soul...
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