When You Can't Do Anything...

There are moments in life when we face real difficulties - the kind that rock your foundation. The ones where you hear the news and you sit motionless... numb. The reality hits you like a bag of bricks to the face... and yet, you can do nothing.

I've faced that sort of thing before, with the diagnosis of my father's cancer. I was young, and self absorbed. Selfish... ignorant... naive... full of my own life and the things I was headed for. There was little room for more in my life, and yet, my entire world was shaken. Walking through those 7 months were the worst of my life... and I remember each step with utter fear and anxiety. What could I do? I hadn't the capacity to be mindful of what was happening to my father, and yet, it was part of every thought. This is happening to me once again. My earthly anchor has come forward with some serious news. I'm scared. I'm numb. I'm petrified into the place I now sit. There's nothing I can do... except pray to a God who hasn't answered my deepest most longing prayers EVER. I preach a good sermon, but when the rubber meets the road, my lack of true faith comes to light every time.

All I can do is pray... it's all I have. I can't accomplish anything without Christ, and I know that. I go on day by day in my self destructive habits, fretting, thinking, worrying. I walk forward in darkness. My Light is not allowing me to see. Blindly walking by faith is all I have, and yet, I have nothing. What will I do? What can I do? Who will I turn to? Where will we all end up? Why does life have to be so difficult sometimes? I know my physical issues reflect my emotional and mental ones... it's obvious to me that we can make ourselves ill just by how we think and feel. And yet, I have no control. I'm bound like an elephant to a chain. I don't know anything of freedom... it's crippling.

My heart races. I can't control that either. I medicate, and yet it does little to soothe the hurricane in my mind. I'm teetering on the cusp of reality and the 'what ifs' that plague me. I need to be more than I am to who I love, and yet it seems so trivial. So very trivial.

Thank you for your prayers. I'm in great need, as is my family. I trust you understand I need to keep the specifics to myself, but God knows. God knows.