Fear...

I've never prided myself on much in life. The book I put together of my dad's time in Vietnam was a pride moment... the way I've been able to become more patient over time has been another... and the fact that I have fear of very little. I've always been brave in tough situations, and have been able to think clearly when no one else around me could think at all. Once while volunteering at an animal shelter, I had two dogs out at the same time. One had run off, as they tended to do, and one was with me. The one with me was a very large, very aggressive black lab mix who had lived all of his life in a junk yard setting. He hated everything that moved. He loved being outside, so I would make sure all animals were put away before letting him out with me. Well, that day I made a big mistake. As the smaller dog returned from running off, the big black lab went for it and attacked him. My lack of fear allowed me to run to them, pull them apart, and walk the smaller dog into the shelter for help (he'd had severe cuts to his chest). I never thought twice. I never had a moment of fear... and I felt good to know that I at least saved that little dog's life.

Right now I'm afraid. This situation with my dog has become a fearful endeavor and I'm coming to a point where I need to make serious decisions and it's terrifying. Recently he's become aggressive out of the blue. I don't know what's triggering it. Obviously he had a rough life before I acquired him - having an abusive owner, being maimed with an axe, being neglected and left outside to fend for himself. He has it good here, and I've always been one to bend over backward for animals in need. I never thought there would ever be an animal that, if I applied myself and my love, I couldn't save and make into a wonderful pet.

The acts of aggression have made me think very hard on what I'm doing here. I've never been afraid of this dog, but there have been moments where he's lashed out at me for one reason or another - mainly for caring for his injury or his infection. Monday I became afraid. While we were at the vet for the fifty sixth time (not really, but we've gone at least once a week for 3 months now) the vet checked his previously infected ear and he went ballistic. He had a muzzle on, thanks to the recent aggression he'd shown while there for other appointments. It was a very good thing, because it took everything I had to hold him back from attacking her, muzzle or no. He was bent on causing harm. She told me she's changed her mind on him - that she thought he would become a good dog and had great potential, but at this point, she sees him just becoming more and more aggressive. My heart broke. It didn't occur to me that there would be a time when, after putting so much effort forward, he could turn into a bad dog. It doesn't make sense, but then... with animals it's always a crap shoot. You never know what you're going to get...

In any case... I know what fear feels like and it's not pretty. I know what fear looks like and it's even uglier. I hear from everyone around me how we need to be aware of our limitations - both monetary and human - and consider what we're able to do versus what our hearts want. It's baffling to me to find myself here, when before I was so sure of myself. I guess the level of pride I've had got ahead of the reality I live in. I'm not a dog whisperer. I know a lot, but I don't have the skills to magically change an animal. I wish I did. Good grief, you don't know how much I wish I did. But, I can't. And now I'm caught with my heart in one place and my head stuck in the reality of what's really happening. This feels really awful.

What Do You Say?

I've experienced an upswing in discussions about God lately. I've had a few that deal with Jehovah's Witness beliefs. I'm not a knowledgeable enough Christian to feel confident in 'arguing' my position, but most of my discussions weren't arguments. I try to maintain my stand while allowing an attitude of freedom between the parties in the conversation, so as to not squelch a potential for questions to be answered in faith.

It's hard to know what to say sometimes in these conversations. People are searching me for answers, or for what I believe, and I have a very hard time putting things into words. So much of what my faith is resides in my heart and my mind, and rarely gets expressed outwardly. I know that's probably not good... but it's what I am. One thing Ben always says attracted him to me was my steadfastness in my faith - my resoluteness in my beliefs. That goes without saying. I've never wavered on what I believe. It was what I was raised with. I know some may think that I never had opportunity to believe what "I" wanted to believe, but honestly I've had more than enough opportunity to seek out other versions of faith. I've looked into other 'religions' and what they believe, but I've never looked into them with any feeling of need or searching for answers. I have the answers... there's no other truth out there, at least for me. There are times when I think about the people who have a faith like the terrorist extremists. I wonder if their strength in faith is similar to what I feel. I'm sure it has been a part of their lives since birth, and that what they have in their hearts is as strong or stronger than what I have. I can't speak for them, but I understand their position in that I know how strongly I believe in my God.

Anyway, these conversations have been something that sticks with me. I pray over things and pray in the middle of it asking God to shut my mouth and allow His words to be spoken. I don't feel the confidence I would like to, but that will come with continued study and understanding of the Bible. It's a long road, and I'll never stop learning... but that's not a bad thing. As long as I anticipate God's words to be given through me, all I can do is my best.

Do any of you have times when you feel strongly about your position, but can't express it in words enough to feel good about how you've presented your position? It's a struggle for me. I want to be not only a source of God's knowledge and love, but of clear answers about what we as Christians stand for.

Just thinking out loud...

Exercises in Patience...

They say that patience is earned... from struggles, through trials, and over time. Much time. I remember never praying for patience, because I was instructed that the Lord gives you more trials to get you to be more patient. That was not something I ever wanted, so I avoided it completely. As I age, ever so swiftly, I realize that my life is filled with patience-moments... I'm not sure when my patience became strong. I've noticed often in the last year that I don't react nearly so intensely as I used to. I guess the last couple of years have brought me through enough to where I've gained ground in this arena, and have achieved more than I realized. 

I often have moments at my work where patience is brought into focus. Not so much my personal patience as my boss's. We share a friendship that has lasted since high school, and so our relationship is one not only of officer and peon, but of listener, advisor, and joker. She says she needs patience... don't we all? But I usually tag her with "patience is earned..." and so it goes. She inspires me with her diligence, faithfulness, and ability to maintain relationships with people of widely varied personalities and circumstances. Her patience is tested daily at work... and it's hard for her to get beyond some things day in and day out. I feel as though my presence isn't only for the one person who was so obviously in need, but perhaps for her blessing as well. Lately she's gone to church with friends who have a strong faith base. I applaud her for her attendance. She's quiet about it, but I have to believe she's blessed when she goes. 

In any case, things hit us daily that require our action or reaction. It isn't always something we think about before doing - but as patience builds, we tend to think first and act second. As I mentioned today on Facebook, I was hit with a nasty moment this morning. We were preparing to rake the yard, and our new family member (dog) was on his lead line outside with us. I began, and our 'good rake' snapped right off after maybe 10 strokes. DAMNIT. Then, as I went into the yard, the dog's lead wrapped around my ankles and as I tried to 'hop' out of the tangle, I completely took a digger into a pile of poop. My whole arm was coated... and I was not too happy. Fortunately I didn't take anything out on anyone, but simply lifted my arm to show Ben, and got myself up and out of the mess. I laughed at my circumstance, and calmly walked into the house to wash up. Not the reaction everyone would have, but I can say I'm a better person for the peacefulness I've gained in my inner being. The faster you let things go, the faster you can move back into a position of joy. 

Patience is the hardest virtue to obtain, in my opinion. It's always strengthened in trials... there are no sunny days that bring it to fulfillment. It's the tough places where patience is learned. A calm sea never made a good sailor... (learned that one in my devotional). 

Try to see your struggles as more than that. Harken back on things you've gotten through, and look at who you are now as a result. I'm betting you'll find that you have a stronger back, and possibly a more joyful and loving heart.