Friday, January 27, 2012

Things I don't do...

Here's a list of things that don't happen in my world, and things I don't do:

1 - I don't mince words. You'll know exactly how I feel about a subject, and exactly how I feel about you. There's no room in my life for trying to make people feel good, or boost them when they need a real kick in the ass.
2 - I don't care as much as some people think I should - I don't allow other peoples' opinions about my feelings change the things I stand for, and things I stand against. It shows a lack of courage to back down from the platforms you believe in.... I can't care any less about things like gaming, politics, gun laws, or things that don't effect me personally. In fact, I don't have the capacity to involve my mind in those things - I have enough on my mind to fill many days and nights consecutively.
3 - I don't press my opinion on anyone - there's no reason to do this, and I've resigned myself to not force my opinion and/or beliefs on others. You have your opinions, and I have mine.
4 - I don't live in the past - this one is something I've learned recently. I don't want to live in the past, because that's not where I am now. I've had trouble moving away from the place where I once was, but lately things have evolved to the point where I know where I was wasn't where I need to be now. It's a process, but I'm getting there.
5 - I don't fall victim to trends - the skinny jeans that have come anew to the fashion world, I can't see myself in those. I don't wear what I don't feel good in. I like classic styles, and won't be caught spending good money on things that don't look good on me, or don't make sense to purchase. And frankly, I look darn good in the wardrobe I have, thank you very much.
6 - I don't find joy in others' sorrow - I have people in my life who tend to look at others and compare themselves to them, and if they feel lesser than, they rejoice in a fail. I can't do that, or I'd find myself in a worse state of mind than I already am. If someone hurts, I hurt. I pray for people who I don't even know. I believe in the power of prayer, and the strength therein. If I hear of your trouble, you can count on me to pray and believe in your future.
7 - I don't love all 4 seasons - seriously - winter is such a buzz kill. I don't understand my mother who loves every second of winter. What's to love? It's COLD. It's UGLY. It's inconvenient and stressful to drive in. What is so great? People say they want snow on Christmas - that's crap. Don't give me that, because the rest of the 5 months of winter we have around here you're complaining.
8 - I don't tollerate ignorance - it's something I can't stand, and won't stand for. I think people who spew ignorance should be spoken to in a harsh and educational manner that allows them to realize (hopefully) their shortcomings. Don't you dare come at me with anything related to race discrimination, or minority discrimination in general. Women are a discriminated upon group, and I hate it. It doesn't seem like it's as big a deal as race, but it is.
9 - I don't base my opinions on others' ideals - I'm a grown woman, and what I feel is who I've evolved into. I can't tell you how often I've seen the 'christian conservative' snub their noses at others, the lesser, the needy, and the lost. Don't you dare tell me your opinions on these things because if you don't have mercy or forgiveness, you don't have Jesus as a grounding point. Christians, act like it.
10 - In the end, I'm still a human being - I have feelings, and opinions, and beliefs, and I share them. It's a gift, so you're welcome. But, I'm flawed. I admit I don't have it all together, and I haven't been in other peoples' shoes to know fully their pain. What I do have is mercy, a good listening ear, and a strong belief system. We're all entitled to our opinions, that's what makes our country so great. We're free to express ourselves the way we wish to. We're not encumbered with others' requirements of us. Thank a soldier for that. Thank God for that. Thank your misled, dysfunctional government for that. If we didn't have our freedoms, what else might be on this list? I don't want to know...

Monday, January 23, 2012

Gray...

Lately when I open up on the subject of 'me' I realize that there are a lot of things going on, and none of them are at a point where a decision can be made, or where I feel good about it. I described my status in life as being very 'gray' today, and it really is... no answers, more questions, less security, more uncertainty.

What makes a good life good? What makes life full color, and not monochromatic? How do you add color to a life and focus on the brilliant rather than get drawn down into the gray abyss of it all? Please feel free to offer thoughts. Is it what you spend your time dwelling on - refusing to stand by and let the gray bleed into your mind? Is it what you spend money and time on - going outside yourself and focusing on others and their needs? I've tried that, and it continues to add to my gray world. Doing good for others, praying for their healing and success... only to watch as they fall into the gray abyss with me, or not even try to make things better for themselves. The fear of trying has plagued so many of us... the grip of fear is a strong one, and can't be overcome by anyone else but the person who despairs within it. Prayer in these situations seems futile and vague. As if no one hears them, and no one cares.

What makes my life 'good' - or, what made it good in the past? Strong friendships? Strong love? God? Success? Honestly I don't remember. Day by day things happen, and you put out the fires as you're able... but does that equal success in life? When looking back on life, can someone feel successful even if the daily struggles seem to have sapped every ounce of strength in getting to that point? What makes someone feel content with their lives, even through the lack of financial security, lack of family connection, and a strong feeling of failure in a career path? Should being here for others' sake be what we take away from this life? And should that be the only thing we take away?

I have a lot of questions, but very few answers... hence, gray.