Sunday, November 20, 2011

going home

Is it wrong to want to go Home?
To be surrounded by love unending, peace, hope, joy...
To never know fear, sorrow, worthlessness again?

I long for Home. I long for peace, hope and joy...
I want to be in the midst of that.
Nothing here gives me those things... nothing.
I hate to disappoint the people who love me...
to be a burden, a point of worry, a friend who is always in need.

To understand all that is in my mind is to ruin one's own joy.
To try to understand is futile. I've never let anyone in.
I've been told to try. To trust. To overcome the demons that dictate my life.
It's hard. Sometimes impossible. Sometimes overwhelming.

Bring me Home. Bring me peace... joy... unending love.
I can't go without breaking a sacred rule, and I can't bring myself to break it.

I will try. I will fight. I will do all I can to overcome.
The first step is the most difficult...

Friday, November 18, 2011

learning about myself

So today I found out my eating habits, life habits, and other things have caused a significant issue within me. I'm going to have to begin a complete overhaul in order to help myself out of the ditch I've dug for myself. Keeping things inside has rotted my psyche, but letting things out is so very difficult. I've never done it, so it's going to take everything I have to begin this new regime. I've always known that it's bad to keep things bottled up, but for me, it worked all these years.

That, along with lifestyle changes will hopefully dig me out of this place I've called my 'comfort zone'. There will be much need for help, so please feel free to contact me, ask me questions, make me talk... it's supposed to help, and I need all the help I can get.

Prayers are much appreciated, and your love and support has always been a healing balm on my life. Thank you...

Monday, November 14, 2011

making enemies

I'm not sure what's wrong with my neighbor, but she hates me. I've had one bout with her, and so has Ben, but for reasons that are so silly... bettering our property or mowing our lawn. Sometimes it's a wonder what goes through peoples' heads. I've tried to make amends with her, and it just doesn't work out. I'm clear in front of the Lord, so I really can't do any more.

What I've learned through my faith is that being kind to those who despitefully use you 'heaps fiery coals upon their heads'... I guess doing good in the face of ugliness is the answer. Not sure what I can do, but I know she'll get a nice Christmas card from us, wishing her well. Coals: heaped.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

socialization

Sometimes it's really not something I want to do - be social. Having to 'play a role' with people when inside I feel like I should be committed... it's hard to cover up sometimes. I have an opportunity to be social again tonight, thanks once again to Ben's kickball team. It was something that I was sure I wasn't going to do... just stay home instead - alone. It seems like people who are 'normal' would never consider being alone versus being with others and having a laugh or two together... but that's me. Having to be a person that I don't feel like being can be extremely taxing.

Lately I've noticed a sort of shunning from the females in the 'group' that we socialize with. To the point of having dinner with 5 others, and one female says nothing to me all night long. Not one word. It's hard, because I'm not sure where that comes from. It happened again the other night in a social setting. Two women who I haven't had an extensive association with who nearly completely shut me out of all discussions and fun. Even some of the guys do it to... I don't know why, but I think it has something with my defense mechanism of being quiet, and having a face on that normally people would shy away from. It's always been what I've done - to keep people at bay. I don't like people to know me - know what I'm thinking or feeling. I keep it inside, and that's where it stays. Ben thinks it's because I'm the 'pretty girl' and they're intimidated by me. I doubt that. They're pretty enough, and have jobs that anyone would envy - lawyer being one. It just doesn't make sense sometimes. It makes me not want to be there. To be shunned in a crowd - why would anyone want that for themselves? Especially with the level of self esteem I have... or lack there of. I'm encouraged only by Ben, and he gives me strength to follow through on some of these social excursions.

Next week, a wine tour with 20+ other people. Sounds great to most people, but I'm feeling intimidated just at the thought. We've committed $, and I don't want to back down now... Plus, I'm cheap, and I don't like wasting money. What will become of these situations I put myself in? Will I cower in the corner and not talk or will I open up and be brave? One thing I've never been in social settings is brave. I cower. I do it a lot. Mostly men who show me attention are the ones I seem to have a decent time with... but then, that's just not right in a big way. I don't know... I just don't know anymore...