I am...
A created being
A broken soul
A friend, family, and love
A bird, banging against her cage...
I am...
A charge
A value
A worker
A believer
I am...
A servant
A doer of God's requirements
A believer in God's promises
I am...
One who trusts
One who understands
One who does not understand
One who trusts anyway...
I am...
The recipient of Grace
The Partaker of Promises
The Giver of Gifts
I am...
Broken
Guilty
Ugly
A Hater of the World
I am...
One who perseveres
One who hopes
One who leans on Promises
You can be...
All of these things...
All of these people...
All of these promises...
You Can Be...
A worker of Peace
A moment of Joy
A gift to the World
A reminder of Christ
We can...
Stand Together
Persevere
Withstand the Storm.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
Hello...
Adele's new song "Hello" broke me to my core when I first heard it. It speaks of a lot of what I struggle with. It isn't just a song between humans, it's a song, for me, between me and my God.
I'm pacing back and forth in my own prison. My prison is my mind, and my home. My home is also my sanctuary, where I can look out and see the world, but don't have to touch it in any way. I pace... day after day... hour by hour... looking for a way out. My mind has become a broken wall surrounding me. I can't break out of it... I've tried. Medicine has become my worst enemy at this point. All of the trying... the failing. Therapy hasn't helped. I asked my therapist if there are times when medicine doesn't reach what's going on... what's wrong with people like me. She negated that, saying I hadn't tried enough. Seriously? 25 years? So many doctors, therapists, medications... who says I haven't tried hard enough? I myself believe I've tried enough, and nothing has helped me become "normal."
I've had jobs, a career, social standing, friends, abilities. To what end? This end. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting through life. Tired of facing every day knowing it will only be a disappointing end. I drink. Heavily. It doesn't help me but it's something to do to get me out of the thoughts of killing myself. What does life have for me at this point? Nothing. I see nothing. God is silent. I pray, but I have disconnected myself from my God in a lot of ways. The things I see, the things I know about, the constant battle of my own mind and of the realities of this cruel and unaccepting world. I try... but it is for nothing. Filthy rags, as the bible says. You can try all you want, and feel good about all you want to, but it's for nothing. Life is for nothing. You don't end up with anything. Yes, my life is comfortable but only in so many realms.
So I pace my prison floor... day after day... to no end but to see the sun set and be able to go back to sleep. To forget... that's part of the drinking. To forget what you know is real, and forget what I know I can't overcome.
I won't share this one on FB, because it doesn't matter. No one will come and read it. It's my outlet to my insanity... it's where I place my deepest fears... my anxiety.
I can't go out and deal with the world anymore without at least 2 days to dwell on it and think about how I will do it. Yes, I've accomplished those things, and many others, but to what end? Feeling accomplished because I was able to go grocery shopping?! That's ridiculous to me and to any normal human being. But, that's my life. That's who I've become.
No one wants to be friends with someone who constantly needs reassuring. A friend who is a burden to all things "normal." I'm not a happy person... why would someone want to visit with me? The numbers grow smaller every day.
I try to reach out... Christmas cards are going to be the latest effort. I know in my soul that it doesn't matter... people don't care. People have their own lives to deal with. I understand that. That's why I've stayed in my prison cell. I often don't want to reach out because I've exhausted every friend I have/had. I don't want to be "that friend" who always is in need. Fuck that. I'm not going to be a burden. I'd rather die. Dying may end this struggle for me, and end the constant need to feel validated. To feel like I'm alive. I'm someone. I matter. Fuck that. I don't matter. I may be missed by a few for a while... but it's all just sewage. Filthy rags.
You just don't know what other people deal with until you read their inner most feelings on things like blogger, or diaries, or suicide notes. You don't know. You have your own struggles to deal with and we know that. We as a community of suicidal people know that, and don't want to burden anyone any longer. Life is too hard sometimes. I think God knows that. I hope so anyway...
"Hello from the other side... I must have called a thousand times... to tell you I'm sorry... for everything that I've done, but you never seem to be home..." Hello from the outside... At least I can say that I've tried... to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart..."
I'm pacing back and forth in my own prison. My prison is my mind, and my home. My home is also my sanctuary, where I can look out and see the world, but don't have to touch it in any way. I pace... day after day... hour by hour... looking for a way out. My mind has become a broken wall surrounding me. I can't break out of it... I've tried. Medicine has become my worst enemy at this point. All of the trying... the failing. Therapy hasn't helped. I asked my therapist if there are times when medicine doesn't reach what's going on... what's wrong with people like me. She negated that, saying I hadn't tried enough. Seriously? 25 years? So many doctors, therapists, medications... who says I haven't tried hard enough? I myself believe I've tried enough, and nothing has helped me become "normal."
I've had jobs, a career, social standing, friends, abilities. To what end? This end. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting through life. Tired of facing every day knowing it will only be a disappointing end. I drink. Heavily. It doesn't help me but it's something to do to get me out of the thoughts of killing myself. What does life have for me at this point? Nothing. I see nothing. God is silent. I pray, but I have disconnected myself from my God in a lot of ways. The things I see, the things I know about, the constant battle of my own mind and of the realities of this cruel and unaccepting world. I try... but it is for nothing. Filthy rags, as the bible says. You can try all you want, and feel good about all you want to, but it's for nothing. Life is for nothing. You don't end up with anything. Yes, my life is comfortable but only in so many realms.
So I pace my prison floor... day after day... to no end but to see the sun set and be able to go back to sleep. To forget... that's part of the drinking. To forget what you know is real, and forget what I know I can't overcome.
I won't share this one on FB, because it doesn't matter. No one will come and read it. It's my outlet to my insanity... it's where I place my deepest fears... my anxiety.
I can't go out and deal with the world anymore without at least 2 days to dwell on it and think about how I will do it. Yes, I've accomplished those things, and many others, but to what end? Feeling accomplished because I was able to go grocery shopping?! That's ridiculous to me and to any normal human being. But, that's my life. That's who I've become.
No one wants to be friends with someone who constantly needs reassuring. A friend who is a burden to all things "normal." I'm not a happy person... why would someone want to visit with me? The numbers grow smaller every day.
I try to reach out... Christmas cards are going to be the latest effort. I know in my soul that it doesn't matter... people don't care. People have their own lives to deal with. I understand that. That's why I've stayed in my prison cell. I often don't want to reach out because I've exhausted every friend I have/had. I don't want to be "that friend" who always is in need. Fuck that. I'm not going to be a burden. I'd rather die. Dying may end this struggle for me, and end the constant need to feel validated. To feel like I'm alive. I'm someone. I matter. Fuck that. I don't matter. I may be missed by a few for a while... but it's all just sewage. Filthy rags.
You just don't know what other people deal with until you read their inner most feelings on things like blogger, or diaries, or suicide notes. You don't know. You have your own struggles to deal with and we know that. We as a community of suicidal people know that, and don't want to burden anyone any longer. Life is too hard sometimes. I think God knows that. I hope so anyway...
"Hello from the other side... I must have called a thousand times... to tell you I'm sorry... for everything that I've done, but you never seem to be home..." Hello from the outside... At least I can say that I've tried... to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart..."
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
A Blessing To Our Veterans...
What would our nation be, if we didn't have the men and women who serve in our military? Who would be be in the world? Would we be a great nation? Would we stand as an example to other nations in regard to national respect, courage, and willingness to help others? Our men and women of military are among the strongest, bravest, and most respected people in our nation.
I reflect on the things I know of my father's and my stepfather's service in the Army. I put a book together years ago, finding out the inner workings and friendships that took place while my dad was in service. There's no words to describe the shame I have of our nation when it comes to the way our Vietnam service men and women were treated when they came home. Never again. We have learned, and have grown as a nation in the respect of our service people. I'm grateful for that. Being spit on, urine thrown at them, booed, kicked at... it's all so wrong. Why? What did our nation tell the people in order for them to be despised as they were? It makes me rethink what the media tell us... and I think that's a wise thing.
The effort, sacrifice, and strength of a person who chooses service to this country is ONLY a thing to be grateful for. I couldn't do it. I never even thought of it. My family turned away from service because of what my father experienced. Since then, I've seen the warm embrace of the service people of our country. I can only be grateful... I am one, but this one stands in a place of gratitude.
Take a long hard look at who you're supporting, or who you're turning your back on. Our nation is broken, but these men and women don't decide what they chose based on what the media spews. We would never be the strong nation we are without these men and women. Be one who stands in the gap between who we send out to protect our freedoms, and who we listen to on the TV. Television is what caused our Vietnam vets to be spit upon... let's be better than that.
I reflect on the things I know of my father's and my stepfather's service in the Army. I put a book together years ago, finding out the inner workings and friendships that took place while my dad was in service. There's no words to describe the shame I have of our nation when it comes to the way our Vietnam service men and women were treated when they came home. Never again. We have learned, and have grown as a nation in the respect of our service people. I'm grateful for that. Being spit on, urine thrown at them, booed, kicked at... it's all so wrong. Why? What did our nation tell the people in order for them to be despised as they were? It makes me rethink what the media tell us... and I think that's a wise thing.
The effort, sacrifice, and strength of a person who chooses service to this country is ONLY a thing to be grateful for. I couldn't do it. I never even thought of it. My family turned away from service because of what my father experienced. Since then, I've seen the warm embrace of the service people of our country. I can only be grateful... I am one, but this one stands in a place of gratitude.
Take a long hard look at who you're supporting, or who you're turning your back on. Our nation is broken, but these men and women don't decide what they chose based on what the media spews. We would never be the strong nation we are without these men and women. Be one who stands in the gap between who we send out to protect our freedoms, and who we listen to on the TV. Television is what caused our Vietnam vets to be spit upon... let's be better than that.
Friday, October 30, 2015
The Burden of Death
Recently a very special person in my life has suffered a great loss. His life long friend of 40+ years passed away. Both of these men were alcoholics. My loved one got passed his alcoholism and has lived as a recovering alcoholic for several years. His friend, however, was determined to die as an alcoholic. His life was one of struggle and addiction, and not much more. His friend was one of the only people who gave him time and love in his later life.
This man's life was not marked with struggle always. He grew up in a very wealthy family. He seemed to be the black sheep, and was more than once removed from his family both physically and emotionally. As life progressed his parents removed him from their wills, leaving him without much of a legacy from a pronounced family. He was one of 5 siblings, and was the second to pass away, only after his brother who passed from cancer. This man never made much of his life, and was continually burdened by the weight of addiction. My loved one did what he could to support and help him, but to no avail.
As he passed, from alcohol poisoning it turns out... his siblings (parents are both have passed on before) had already removed him from their lives. His one sister stayed in touch with him, but had no need or want of his ashes after he had been cremated. This troubled my loved one, and felt as though he was the only one who truly cared about him. How can a sibling simply ignore and abandon their brother? I know, even as I sit here knowing my brother and I aren't close, that there's nothing that would stop me from giving him an honorable send of, and care about where his final resting place was.
Family has surely been fractured as I've witnessed in my 44 years. Lack of a parent in the household, lack of discipline, and the failure of the family to be a firm foundation for young people have created a true lack and emergency for our social standing. I believe that these things have been critical to the problems that we see in young people today.
It seems as though my stand in life is one that has not been widely accepted in our society. There are many issues that deter the reality of good manners, proper environmental standing, respect of authority, and the willingness to move through the educational system in order to gain ground and find work, especially in our rural community. I'm not sure why so many young people choose this for themselves, but I also see what they choose as the "wide path" in life. The narrow path has long been neglected, and I see it as a very negative aspect of our society today.
The burden of death is part of all of our lives. My loved one's friend chose a lifestyle that would eventually end his life. Indeed it did. His family had long been a fractured institution, and he was unfortunately a result of that. I mourn the loss, for my loved one, and for his family... although I'm afraid his family has no place for mourning in his being gone.
Family is an institution that upholds our society in many ways. We are better when we have family to build our lives on. Please understand that, no matter how troubled your family may be... that it is that relational enhancement to life that can mean all the difference.
This man's life was not marked with struggle always. He grew up in a very wealthy family. He seemed to be the black sheep, and was more than once removed from his family both physically and emotionally. As life progressed his parents removed him from their wills, leaving him without much of a legacy from a pronounced family. He was one of 5 siblings, and was the second to pass away, only after his brother who passed from cancer. This man never made much of his life, and was continually burdened by the weight of addiction. My loved one did what he could to support and help him, but to no avail.
As he passed, from alcohol poisoning it turns out... his siblings (parents are both have passed on before) had already removed him from their lives. His one sister stayed in touch with him, but had no need or want of his ashes after he had been cremated. This troubled my loved one, and felt as though he was the only one who truly cared about him. How can a sibling simply ignore and abandon their brother? I know, even as I sit here knowing my brother and I aren't close, that there's nothing that would stop me from giving him an honorable send of, and care about where his final resting place was.
Family has surely been fractured as I've witnessed in my 44 years. Lack of a parent in the household, lack of discipline, and the failure of the family to be a firm foundation for young people have created a true lack and emergency for our social standing. I believe that these things have been critical to the problems that we see in young people today.
It seems as though my stand in life is one that has not been widely accepted in our society. There are many issues that deter the reality of good manners, proper environmental standing, respect of authority, and the willingness to move through the educational system in order to gain ground and find work, especially in our rural community. I'm not sure why so many young people choose this for themselves, but I also see what they choose as the "wide path" in life. The narrow path has long been neglected, and I see it as a very negative aspect of our society today.
The burden of death is part of all of our lives. My loved one's friend chose a lifestyle that would eventually end his life. Indeed it did. His family had long been a fractured institution, and he was unfortunately a result of that. I mourn the loss, for my loved one, and for his family... although I'm afraid his family has no place for mourning in his being gone.
Family is an institution that upholds our society in many ways. We are better when we have family to build our lives on. Please understand that, no matter how troubled your family may be... that it is that relational enhancement to life that can mean all the difference.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Animals Are My Passion...
Anyone who knows me, and knows my heart, knows that above all, my heart is for animals. All animals. No matter where in the world, I advocate, fight, write and believe for all sentient beings.
I'm writing now in the midst of our newest family member walking on the keyboard. Bean has come to us as of Friday from a feral litter that my mother has hand reared since their 5th week. Bean is now almost 14 weeks old. She was the runt of her litter, and is a very "string bean" size... narrow, small, but full of spunk! She has quickly become one of the family.
I have friends and family who take joy in killing sentient beings. I don't support such practices. I cannot thwart these things in my family, or in people in general, but I do not believe in such practices, and they all know it. My life has become, over time, one that stands against the murder and all use of animals for any human needs or wants. We have become a world of want. Anything we "want" or "need" is easily accessible by non violent means. No more are we required to butcher animals for our food or clothing... our success or pleasure. The people who do are in the wrong in my opinion, and have no reason to believe they are in the right. Short sightedness... careless. Unbecoming people in my opinion. Yes, even my family whom I love dearly. You are wrong... and you've moved beyond a vegetarian lifestyle to one that your new spouse has advocated. There was no reason for that... but I digress.
It is my belief that the Lord planned on us as a Human Race to be plant based beings. He had Adam name the animals creatures that He gave him. There was no talk of killing of any animal or bird until Adam and Eve fell. My brother the biblical expert cannot thwart that reality. That being said, I believe that our lives should not be about containing, killing, mutilating, eating, or otherwise harming any other sentient being in this world we have been given charge over. I will never believe that what the Lord had planned was what we are living in now. We see pestilence... plague... wars and rumors of war... anger... hatred to other cultures and beings... it never ends. What we don't see is a hatred or war against plants. They were placed here to give us sustenance. They live, but do not have conscience. They live, but do not fear... Such as the Presence of the Lord.
Other people may not believe what I believe. I don't blame them, nor do I move from my stance. You can believe what you want, and so do I.
There will never be a time, until the coming of the Lord, where my mind may change on these issues. I know He made me, and I know He made me this way... for a reason. I am a strong standing advocate for truth and justice for all sentient beings. Why do we need people like me? Why are there so many people who live to harm... live to kill... live to eat the things that our bodies weren't even meant to eat? I don't understand. I've been a vegetarian for 23 years, and am at the cusp of being a vegan. No other person who isn't vegan can say their lives don't negatively impact any other lives. Some may say that these beings were placed in our world for our consumption. I disagree. They were placed in this world for our enjoyment... our joy... our pleasure. We were meant to love these beings and care for them the way the Lord meant His love to be for us. We were given Dominion. That doesn't mean we were meant to kill them and eat them. That ONLY HAPPENED when Adam and Eve had already fallen short of God's demands. The Garden of Eden proves it. Were there animals there for Adam and Eve to mutilate? Eat? Take for their own coverings or to use as anything but being among them? No! They were there for Adam to name. They were there for pleasure in the reality that they were different! They were beautiful! They were so amazingly created! Who are we to cut a life short for our own amusement! We are no one! The Lord cuts our lives short even as we cut His beings short in their lives!
I have a hard line of thinking on these things... it's not without years of advocacy, watching, waiting, and practice. From the wonderful elephant, to the tiny butterfly... we are to watch over them! We are to CARE FOR THEM. This was the Lord's first charge. From there, and from the Fall... we have become a cruel, inhumane, unconscious being who does whatever we can to rape, bleed, and suck dry this earth that we have been given.
This is my most precious belief in this life. I yearn for the Lord to return, and to show all of us what He really had in mind for us as a race. Until then, I fight. Fight with me... it's valid.
I'm writing now in the midst of our newest family member walking on the keyboard. Bean has come to us as of Friday from a feral litter that my mother has hand reared since their 5th week. Bean is now almost 14 weeks old. She was the runt of her litter, and is a very "string bean" size... narrow, small, but full of spunk! She has quickly become one of the family.
I have friends and family who take joy in killing sentient beings. I don't support such practices. I cannot thwart these things in my family, or in people in general, but I do not believe in such practices, and they all know it. My life has become, over time, one that stands against the murder and all use of animals for any human needs or wants. We have become a world of want. Anything we "want" or "need" is easily accessible by non violent means. No more are we required to butcher animals for our food or clothing... our success or pleasure. The people who do are in the wrong in my opinion, and have no reason to believe they are in the right. Short sightedness... careless. Unbecoming people in my opinion. Yes, even my family whom I love dearly. You are wrong... and you've moved beyond a vegetarian lifestyle to one that your new spouse has advocated. There was no reason for that... but I digress.
It is my belief that the Lord planned on us as a Human Race to be plant based beings. He had Adam name the animals creatures that He gave him. There was no talk of killing of any animal or bird until Adam and Eve fell. My brother the biblical expert cannot thwart that reality. That being said, I believe that our lives should not be about containing, killing, mutilating, eating, or otherwise harming any other sentient being in this world we have been given charge over. I will never believe that what the Lord had planned was what we are living in now. We see pestilence... plague... wars and rumors of war... anger... hatred to other cultures and beings... it never ends. What we don't see is a hatred or war against plants. They were placed here to give us sustenance. They live, but do not have conscience. They live, but do not fear... Such as the Presence of the Lord.
Other people may not believe what I believe. I don't blame them, nor do I move from my stance. You can believe what you want, and so do I.
There will never be a time, until the coming of the Lord, where my mind may change on these issues. I know He made me, and I know He made me this way... for a reason. I am a strong standing advocate for truth and justice for all sentient beings. Why do we need people like me? Why are there so many people who live to harm... live to kill... live to eat the things that our bodies weren't even meant to eat? I don't understand. I've been a vegetarian for 23 years, and am at the cusp of being a vegan. No other person who isn't vegan can say their lives don't negatively impact any other lives. Some may say that these beings were placed in our world for our consumption. I disagree. They were placed in this world for our enjoyment... our joy... our pleasure. We were meant to love these beings and care for them the way the Lord meant His love to be for us. We were given Dominion. That doesn't mean we were meant to kill them and eat them. That ONLY HAPPENED when Adam and Eve had already fallen short of God's demands. The Garden of Eden proves it. Were there animals there for Adam and Eve to mutilate? Eat? Take for their own coverings or to use as anything but being among them? No! They were there for Adam to name. They were there for pleasure in the reality that they were different! They were beautiful! They were so amazingly created! Who are we to cut a life short for our own amusement! We are no one! The Lord cuts our lives short even as we cut His beings short in their lives!
I have a hard line of thinking on these things... it's not without years of advocacy, watching, waiting, and practice. From the wonderful elephant, to the tiny butterfly... we are to watch over them! We are to CARE FOR THEM. This was the Lord's first charge. From there, and from the Fall... we have become a cruel, inhumane, unconscious being who does whatever we can to rape, bleed, and suck dry this earth that we have been given.
This is my most precious belief in this life. I yearn for the Lord to return, and to show all of us what He really had in mind for us as a race. Until then, I fight. Fight with me... it's valid.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Dealing with Uncertainty...
Uncertainty is a difficult place to be in a part of your life. I've seen a lot of uncertainty in life lately. Wildfires, war, unrest in marriages, struggling individuals in their own minds. The reality is clear - uncertainty is unacceptable if you're searching for peace.
Currently I'm dealing with friends' issues with uncertainty, as well as my own. The realms range from family realities, friendships, goals, passions, and the like. I tend to take on my friends and family's issues when I'm reached out to. I want to be all I can be for these folks, and I end up burdening my own mental health as a result. It seems similar to the wildfires this year, as this years' fires have been triple what is normally battled. It feels so bleak, but I know the Lord keeps me in His care, under His wings... and I pray He does that for these people of mine as well.
Uncertainty captures our thoughts almost all the time. We dwell, fret, pray, and think of these things while trying to move through our lives. Life is always thwarted by these issues... it isn't as though it isn't normal. Although, as I'm currently seeing, the things being dwelled on and fretted over are more than simply minor issues. They are life changing and quaking realities that they face. One thing I know is that the power of prayer is involved. If only by me, it will go forth in each issue and each life, knowing the Lord is in control, and He has the final say.
As of myself, I have hit a bit of a skid in my artistic and financial certainty. Although I realize my financial security does not exist outside of my partner Ben, I have been feeling successful with the things I've been doing that has increased not only my income but my artistic fluidity. Right now I'm continuing in faith. I do not have any more paying projects on hand, but I believe, with the success I've had online, and the belief of my friends and family, that I will come to a new place of success. I go forward in faith.
My friends and family are on my heart. I pray for their success, their peace, and their answers in the issues they have believed in me to pray over and be a support of. These are major hurdles. Major life changers. Staggeringly so. I have a lighthearted hope for one of these things, which is rare for me. I think it stems from this person's own excitement and enthusiasm. My God will not fail them. My God stands with me in the prayer for the successes of my friends and family. He answers me. He loves me. Whom shall I fear? No. One.
I encourage my readers, vast and staggering they may be... to trust in The Lord for your peace, your answers, your courage. Be blessed because He knows your name. He knows who you are, and what you're dealing with. Don't be discouraged! Be encouraged! He is there!
Please pray for my loved ones. I continue in faith to know His answers are clear, just, and true. Thank you!
Currently I'm dealing with friends' issues with uncertainty, as well as my own. The realms range from family realities, friendships, goals, passions, and the like. I tend to take on my friends and family's issues when I'm reached out to. I want to be all I can be for these folks, and I end up burdening my own mental health as a result. It seems similar to the wildfires this year, as this years' fires have been triple what is normally battled. It feels so bleak, but I know the Lord keeps me in His care, under His wings... and I pray He does that for these people of mine as well.
Uncertainty captures our thoughts almost all the time. We dwell, fret, pray, and think of these things while trying to move through our lives. Life is always thwarted by these issues... it isn't as though it isn't normal. Although, as I'm currently seeing, the things being dwelled on and fretted over are more than simply minor issues. They are life changing and quaking realities that they face. One thing I know is that the power of prayer is involved. If only by me, it will go forth in each issue and each life, knowing the Lord is in control, and He has the final say.
As of myself, I have hit a bit of a skid in my artistic and financial certainty. Although I realize my financial security does not exist outside of my partner Ben, I have been feeling successful with the things I've been doing that has increased not only my income but my artistic fluidity. Right now I'm continuing in faith. I do not have any more paying projects on hand, but I believe, with the success I've had online, and the belief of my friends and family, that I will come to a new place of success. I go forward in faith.
My friends and family are on my heart. I pray for their success, their peace, and their answers in the issues they have believed in me to pray over and be a support of. These are major hurdles. Major life changers. Staggeringly so. I have a lighthearted hope for one of these things, which is rare for me. I think it stems from this person's own excitement and enthusiasm. My God will not fail them. My God stands with me in the prayer for the successes of my friends and family. He answers me. He loves me. Whom shall I fear? No. One.
I encourage my readers, vast and staggering they may be... to trust in The Lord for your peace, your answers, your courage. Be blessed because He knows your name. He knows who you are, and what you're dealing with. Don't be discouraged! Be encouraged! He is there!
Please pray for my loved ones. I continue in faith to know His answers are clear, just, and true. Thank you!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
What Our World Is Facing...
I'm seeing so much about wars, rumors of wars, threats, food contaminations, food shortages, environmental issues, the list goes on. What is it that we face as we move forward? I don't think any of us, even experts know. That in and of itself is a scary premise.
We as individuals, and even as a nation, cannot change what we've done to this world. Our nation in particular are far more detrimental to our environment than most other nations combined. Who can we blame? Ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't face that reality with more than a shrug of the shoulders. Why? What makes us so callous to these realities? Who are we to point fingers, make excuses, or ignore the things that are happening? We are as guilty as anyone in the entire world.
So. What now? How can we as individuals, or as a communal body do to thwart these things that are plaguing our world? Do we care enough to know? I doubt it. We've gone nearly 50 years with the knowledge of several earth issues without any real movement as a body. Our government doesn't care about what detriment we are to our earth. They aren't in tuned to what's happening, and what their decisions are causing. They're out for cash... easy money. Do you know what your governing persons make/have access to? If not, it may be eye opening to you to search google for those things.
The polar bears are starving to death in their natural environment because of the breakdown of the icebergs, the heightening of the oceans, and the limiting of their hunting/living grounds. The poor animals who exist in zoos are hardly a true reality to what our earth has afforded them in the last 25 years. Get yourself some knowledge on these things! You'll be shocked and disappointed to see the realities.
Recycling, narrowing your "carbon footprint" is a lie. You can do only so much. The real detriment is in the big businesses of the world. Oil extraction from the earth and seas... Refinement of ancient sources from our earth... smoke, pollution, exhaust emissions, continued raping of the world's rain forests and natural resources. You can take your pick, they're all causing a real burden on the earth, the people, and the animals of our world. It's all fun and games to save a shelter animal, but truth be told? You're doing more damage than good overall.
Our world has no care for animals unless they can be killed and something ridiculous can be extracted from their beings in order to bring "sexual enhancement" or "health." These are ancient and unproven things that cultures steeped in ancient practices fall back on. Nothing about these things is true. NOTHING. Break free from unfounded realities... it only harms us.
I'm sorry, but this world is valuable, and the people therein. Do what you can to gain ground in the issues of our world. It's an unfathomable reality, but if we spread the word, and practice what we preach, we can make a difference. Be a positive reality in your world! IT MATTERS!!!
We as individuals, and even as a nation, cannot change what we've done to this world. Our nation in particular are far more detrimental to our environment than most other nations combined. Who can we blame? Ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't face that reality with more than a shrug of the shoulders. Why? What makes us so callous to these realities? Who are we to point fingers, make excuses, or ignore the things that are happening? We are as guilty as anyone in the entire world.
So. What now? How can we as individuals, or as a communal body do to thwart these things that are plaguing our world? Do we care enough to know? I doubt it. We've gone nearly 50 years with the knowledge of several earth issues without any real movement as a body. Our government doesn't care about what detriment we are to our earth. They aren't in tuned to what's happening, and what their decisions are causing. They're out for cash... easy money. Do you know what your governing persons make/have access to? If not, it may be eye opening to you to search google for those things.
The polar bears are starving to death in their natural environment because of the breakdown of the icebergs, the heightening of the oceans, and the limiting of their hunting/living grounds. The poor animals who exist in zoos are hardly a true reality to what our earth has afforded them in the last 25 years. Get yourself some knowledge on these things! You'll be shocked and disappointed to see the realities.
Recycling, narrowing your "carbon footprint" is a lie. You can do only so much. The real detriment is in the big businesses of the world. Oil extraction from the earth and seas... Refinement of ancient sources from our earth... smoke, pollution, exhaust emissions, continued raping of the world's rain forests and natural resources. You can take your pick, they're all causing a real burden on the earth, the people, and the animals of our world. It's all fun and games to save a shelter animal, but truth be told? You're doing more damage than good overall.
Our world has no care for animals unless they can be killed and something ridiculous can be extracted from their beings in order to bring "sexual enhancement" or "health." These are ancient and unproven things that cultures steeped in ancient practices fall back on. Nothing about these things is true. NOTHING. Break free from unfounded realities... it only harms us.
I'm sorry, but this world is valuable, and the people therein. Do what you can to gain ground in the issues of our world. It's an unfathomable reality, but if we spread the word, and practice what we preach, we can make a difference. Be a positive reality in your world! IT MATTERS!!!
Friday, August 14, 2015
Feeling Successful...
There are many times in a day where we can feel successful. For those of us who dwell in the little things, waking up feeling refreshed is a success. For parents, having a child (no matter what age) choosing the right path is a success. Things in our lives can force us to see things in various ways, depending on our circumstances. I can attest, as of today, I am feeling successful!
These last few months of trying my hand at glass mosaics was a shot in the dark. I knew I could do it, and that it may not cost me too much to start doing them. The Lord has held back His favor and grace from me in this realm for 5 years now, and it has been a very long hard road. Today, after selling a piece twice over within the week I finished it has shown me that I may very well be within the realm of His will for me. How precious a moment to realize that His grace is upon my life's work! I can't tell you the emotional reward it has given me. Not only to realize His blessing, but to have friends, family, and friends of friends reach out to me with requests for pieces of my mosaic glass work!
Now, I'm taking it very slowly. I've only had 12 pieces that have been completed and have reached potential buyers' eyes. Yes, I have taken the prices down from what I want, to what I think they will sell for, due to the location I'm in, and my friends' abilities. I'm not ashamed of that, nor am I sorry. I have to get my name out there, and after only a few pieces, how can I not feel good? This week alone I put a piece together of a cat because of a friend's suggestion, and have sold it twice over. Not too shabby for a 4 day output. I'll take it.
For this 5 years, I have been striving toward attaining a job that would allow me to use my skills as a graphic designer. That, after probably 30 applications/interviews, (way more applications), has gone unfulfilled. I've questioned God and His plans for me, being uncertain and afraid to be an independent with what I have to offer the world. I want to work, but WHAT my work was had become less in demand. This new realm of glass mosaic work has broadened my reach, broadened my output, and has been very well received by people both near and far. I honor the Lord in this and all of my efforts. He is the reason I am successful, and the reason I continue in this world. I know His plan is not finished in me, and I blindly trust Him to show me what I need to be and do in order to feel His glory, and to glorify Him in my work.
Just today, after months of nothing, I had a friend reach out to me in regard to a part time opportunity at a college nearby, doing graphic design work. I wasn't anticipating that, but wow! What a blessing! It's still uncertain, and it may be that I'm not the right fit, but to have God's grace show up during the success of my current efforts was awesome! Praise the Lord!
I can't say that this time in my life has been easy... nor would I wish it on anyone. I have dealt with some serious downs, anxiety, and depression. It has pushed me into a different mold, where being a round block pushed into a square was painful and difficult to endure. But, within that, I have gained ground in patience, strength, and endurance. I know what His will for me is becoming a reality.
Don't give up on your goals. I was never sure what my goals actually were... but with regular prayer and waiting, He has rewarded my efforts. Please know that nothing is easy... for people like me, nothing is taken for granted, nor is it easy to face. If you have need of talking about where you're at, and what you're dealing with, I'm always here. My faith in Christ is beyond measure the reason why I feel successful today.
Be encouraged!
These last few months of trying my hand at glass mosaics was a shot in the dark. I knew I could do it, and that it may not cost me too much to start doing them. The Lord has held back His favor and grace from me in this realm for 5 years now, and it has been a very long hard road. Today, after selling a piece twice over within the week I finished it has shown me that I may very well be within the realm of His will for me. How precious a moment to realize that His grace is upon my life's work! I can't tell you the emotional reward it has given me. Not only to realize His blessing, but to have friends, family, and friends of friends reach out to me with requests for pieces of my mosaic glass work!
Now, I'm taking it very slowly. I've only had 12 pieces that have been completed and have reached potential buyers' eyes. Yes, I have taken the prices down from what I want, to what I think they will sell for, due to the location I'm in, and my friends' abilities. I'm not ashamed of that, nor am I sorry. I have to get my name out there, and after only a few pieces, how can I not feel good? This week alone I put a piece together of a cat because of a friend's suggestion, and have sold it twice over. Not too shabby for a 4 day output. I'll take it.
For this 5 years, I have been striving toward attaining a job that would allow me to use my skills as a graphic designer. That, after probably 30 applications/interviews, (way more applications), has gone unfulfilled. I've questioned God and His plans for me, being uncertain and afraid to be an independent with what I have to offer the world. I want to work, but WHAT my work was had become less in demand. This new realm of glass mosaic work has broadened my reach, broadened my output, and has been very well received by people both near and far. I honor the Lord in this and all of my efforts. He is the reason I am successful, and the reason I continue in this world. I know His plan is not finished in me, and I blindly trust Him to show me what I need to be and do in order to feel His glory, and to glorify Him in my work.
Just today, after months of nothing, I had a friend reach out to me in regard to a part time opportunity at a college nearby, doing graphic design work. I wasn't anticipating that, but wow! What a blessing! It's still uncertain, and it may be that I'm not the right fit, but to have God's grace show up during the success of my current efforts was awesome! Praise the Lord!
I can't say that this time in my life has been easy... nor would I wish it on anyone. I have dealt with some serious downs, anxiety, and depression. It has pushed me into a different mold, where being a round block pushed into a square was painful and difficult to endure. But, within that, I have gained ground in patience, strength, and endurance. I know what His will for me is becoming a reality.
Don't give up on your goals. I was never sure what my goals actually were... but with regular prayer and waiting, He has rewarded my efforts. Please know that nothing is easy... for people like me, nothing is taken for granted, nor is it easy to face. If you have need of talking about where you're at, and what you're dealing with, I'm always here. My faith in Christ is beyond measure the reason why I feel successful today.
Be encouraged!
Monday, July 27, 2015
When You Realize You've Changed...
I've changed. A short but deep sentence. I was told today that I've changed, by a friend who I've had for 20 years. It took me a moment to realize what he was saying, but I realize I've had a great deal of changes that I've had to adjust to, and they aren't always good things.
What has changed in me? Why are these things changing? What have I done differently that people have noticed? Why are they noticing? Is it bad, or good? I'm at a place where I'm just not sure.
Being a person with anxiety and depression, there are many issues and subjects of change that are in my view, but I don't always see them clearly. I can name a few but are these the things that my friends and family are seeing? If not, what else am I missing?
I've changed my lifestyle, in that I do not work outside my home anymore. I have struggled with not working, and have had probably the most struggle with this reality. My God has refused to allow me a job outside of my home for 5 years now... and I believe that has been my biggest detriment in regard to self love and confidence. I have become more deeply and detrimentally anxious, and have struggled to fight that tooth and nail. I have failed in this realm... I am a depressed and anxious individual. Nothing that I've been able to do has changed that, and it is very frustrating to me.
Who am I now? What am I now? What describes me as a person? As an artist? As a designer? My husband tells me I'm no longer a graphic designer, and should take it off of my business cards. I disagree, although that disagreement stems from my unwillingness to give up the possibility of attaining another design job as a freelance artist. I have gone through 20+ interviews and jobs that have kept my hopes alive in this, although none of them are a reality currently. That has made me angry, skeptical, and frustrated. I'm sure you can imagine that, after all of the 20+ years of design work, to give it up is excruciating. I do it, I love it, and no one sees that. Why? Why God? What makes me lesser? I'm capable, willing, and would always put my best forward, but you can't gain ground with "thoughts" on the subject.
What do you, my friends and my numerous followers (gag) see that has changed in me? Within myself, I don't see a change. I see a drive. I see a determined, well educated, well established individual with goals, strengths, and willingness to do work. I want to work! I want this for myself! Why does God keep me from it? I just can't believe I've sat here for 5 years and have come up empty handed with freelance graphic work...
My latest venture in mosaic glass work has been fruitful, but not enough for me to be proud and to be fruitful. I guess my end goal, as in all things, is to be fruitful, and to be able to sell my work to others for a profit. I have resorted to a local craft show/sale as a possible venue, and deep within me, that makes me sad. No one wants to have to balance their worthiness on an Orleans County craft show. It's just not something that people see as fruitful (among those people, myself). I will do it, get through it, and enjoy it, because of my friend who has put herself out there to help me. I will forever be grateful to her for the encouragement she's shown me.
What do you see that has changed in me? I'd love to hear from you. It will help me see what others see in me, and from that, I can change again, and move forward.
Thanks.
What has changed in me? Why are these things changing? What have I done differently that people have noticed? Why are they noticing? Is it bad, or good? I'm at a place where I'm just not sure.
Being a person with anxiety and depression, there are many issues and subjects of change that are in my view, but I don't always see them clearly. I can name a few but are these the things that my friends and family are seeing? If not, what else am I missing?
I've changed my lifestyle, in that I do not work outside my home anymore. I have struggled with not working, and have had probably the most struggle with this reality. My God has refused to allow me a job outside of my home for 5 years now... and I believe that has been my biggest detriment in regard to self love and confidence. I have become more deeply and detrimentally anxious, and have struggled to fight that tooth and nail. I have failed in this realm... I am a depressed and anxious individual. Nothing that I've been able to do has changed that, and it is very frustrating to me.
Who am I now? What am I now? What describes me as a person? As an artist? As a designer? My husband tells me I'm no longer a graphic designer, and should take it off of my business cards. I disagree, although that disagreement stems from my unwillingness to give up the possibility of attaining another design job as a freelance artist. I have gone through 20+ interviews and jobs that have kept my hopes alive in this, although none of them are a reality currently. That has made me angry, skeptical, and frustrated. I'm sure you can imagine that, after all of the 20+ years of design work, to give it up is excruciating. I do it, I love it, and no one sees that. Why? Why God? What makes me lesser? I'm capable, willing, and would always put my best forward, but you can't gain ground with "thoughts" on the subject.
What do you, my friends and my numerous followers (gag) see that has changed in me? Within myself, I don't see a change. I see a drive. I see a determined, well educated, well established individual with goals, strengths, and willingness to do work. I want to work! I want this for myself! Why does God keep me from it? I just can't believe I've sat here for 5 years and have come up empty handed with freelance graphic work...
My latest venture in mosaic glass work has been fruitful, but not enough for me to be proud and to be fruitful. I guess my end goal, as in all things, is to be fruitful, and to be able to sell my work to others for a profit. I have resorted to a local craft show/sale as a possible venue, and deep within me, that makes me sad. No one wants to have to balance their worthiness on an Orleans County craft show. It's just not something that people see as fruitful (among those people, myself). I will do it, get through it, and enjoy it, because of my friend who has put herself out there to help me. I will forever be grateful to her for the encouragement she's shown me.
What do you see that has changed in me? I'd love to hear from you. It will help me see what others see in me, and from that, I can change again, and move forward.
Thanks.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
The prison of anxiety
It has been clear to me for a very long time that I am crippled by anxiety. I have recently been able to see a counselor to help me medicate through these issues. I have been crippled by the fear of leaving my home in recent weeks/months. I have gained ground with a new medication but today have fallen deeply into the fear and struggle of anxiety thinking about a trip I have known about for months. The days leading up to the trip are so brutal... muscle spasms, panic attacks, and the anxiety that stays with me throughout all of those things.
My faithful friends pray for me during these times, and I couldn't be more grateful for their prayers and thoughts. Still, through all of the minutes/hours/days of anticipating the trip, I find myself feeling a sense of fear. I know the Lord isn't in fear, and I pray for the strength to overcome it. My faith hasn't been enough for me to overcome it.
Please pray for me as you have in the past. I covet your prayers. I don't know why the Lord is dealing with me in this way, but I know He has my answers. I've been working hard at becoming an artist who is able to sell things that will bring income. As you may know, artists who try to live on the income that comes from selling pieces, it's mostly impossible. Thank you Jesus for Ben! I know he is here for my best, and I can't thank God enough for who Ben is and who I am able to be outside of Ben. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of losing my job at Roberts Wesleyan College. I still have trouble with losing my job, but I know that the Lord is working in me for a better life than I could have had by staying an employee there. I have to trust Him in that, because I just don't see it.
There are people like me who are WAY worse off than me... and I know that I should be appreciative of where I am in my life. Still, it's a common thought to feel lesser... to feel unworthy... to feel low about where I am and what I am. With our world moving further from God and making more and more effort to believe in "self" and "human accomplishment," I struggle with being relevant in this world.
Try to reach out to the people who you know are struggling through life. It's valid, and can mean so much just to hear from someone when we're down. Thank you friends!
My faithful friends pray for me during these times, and I couldn't be more grateful for their prayers and thoughts. Still, through all of the minutes/hours/days of anticipating the trip, I find myself feeling a sense of fear. I know the Lord isn't in fear, and I pray for the strength to overcome it. My faith hasn't been enough for me to overcome it.
Please pray for me as you have in the past. I covet your prayers. I don't know why the Lord is dealing with me in this way, but I know He has my answers. I've been working hard at becoming an artist who is able to sell things that will bring income. As you may know, artists who try to live on the income that comes from selling pieces, it's mostly impossible. Thank you Jesus for Ben! I know he is here for my best, and I can't thank God enough for who Ben is and who I am able to be outside of Ben. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of losing my job at Roberts Wesleyan College. I still have trouble with losing my job, but I know that the Lord is working in me for a better life than I could have had by staying an employee there. I have to trust Him in that, because I just don't see it.
There are people like me who are WAY worse off than me... and I know that I should be appreciative of where I am in my life. Still, it's a common thought to feel lesser... to feel unworthy... to feel low about where I am and what I am. With our world moving further from God and making more and more effort to believe in "self" and "human accomplishment," I struggle with being relevant in this world.
Try to reach out to the people who you know are struggling through life. It's valid, and can mean so much just to hear from someone when we're down. Thank you friends!
Sunday, June 21, 2015
The Way We Perceive Ourselves
I have a terrible time trying to see myself as worthy of much of anything. I have a head full of ugly about myself, especially since I was fired from my job almost 5 years ago. I have gone through several therapy sessions and therapists in order to maintain a minimum level of self worth.
Lately I have been struggling quite a bit from anxiety that keeps me from leaving the house. I have a friend who struggles with the same thing, but she's far away, and she rarely gets online to converse with me. It's hard to be alone in your loneliest times. My husband travels quite a bit, and he does his best to encourage me, but I'm still in the midst of a very real battle.
Recently I went an hour and a half away to visit my uncle at his lake cottage. The morning of, I had panic attacks about leaving. I've dealt with leaving the house quite a bit in the last several months. It takes all I have to get myself out the door. I don't know why this has progressed so significantly in the last 4 months, but it has. I have 2 trips this summer for very important familial events, and I can NOT miss them. It takes more than what I have internally to accomplish these things, and as of this weekend, I was a wreck internally while I was away. My family understands, but honestly I don't.
I'm going back to my psychiatrist this Tuesday and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I wasn't sure it would be covered by insurance, and if it wasn't, I was sure I would forfeit going. I'm stingy and frugal as the day is long, and moving forward in help for my issues has been a lot of anxiety in itself in the last few years. It's expensive to be seen by a professional, and I feel badly for people like me who cannot afford going. It's important to my positive life, but like me, a lot of us forfeit it because it "isn't necessary."
There are parts of life that I absolutely revel in. I honestly take the most pleasure out of helping my friend through their troubles - be it monetarily, spiritually, emotionally, or other... Their lives are more important to me than my own. I give my gifts, my love, my abilities to my friends because it means so much to me to give. I hope they are as blessed as I am with my gifts.
Pray for me. Honestly. I struggle with life's most simple moments. I am alone a lot. I covet that, yet at times I loathe it. Mental illness is a real bitch, and I'm the poster child of that. Please keep us all in mind when you think of people and their struggles. It's so valid, and so needed. It's an unseen reality that most of us struggle with. Friends, family, social instances... we only want to be accepted and understood in the midst of what we deal with on a minute to minute basis. Thank you for being willing to pray and think for the mentally ill. We appreciate you!
Lately I have been struggling quite a bit from anxiety that keeps me from leaving the house. I have a friend who struggles with the same thing, but she's far away, and she rarely gets online to converse with me. It's hard to be alone in your loneliest times. My husband travels quite a bit, and he does his best to encourage me, but I'm still in the midst of a very real battle.
Recently I went an hour and a half away to visit my uncle at his lake cottage. The morning of, I had panic attacks about leaving. I've dealt with leaving the house quite a bit in the last several months. It takes all I have to get myself out the door. I don't know why this has progressed so significantly in the last 4 months, but it has. I have 2 trips this summer for very important familial events, and I can NOT miss them. It takes more than what I have internally to accomplish these things, and as of this weekend, I was a wreck internally while I was away. My family understands, but honestly I don't.
I'm going back to my psychiatrist this Tuesday and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I wasn't sure it would be covered by insurance, and if it wasn't, I was sure I would forfeit going. I'm stingy and frugal as the day is long, and moving forward in help for my issues has been a lot of anxiety in itself in the last few years. It's expensive to be seen by a professional, and I feel badly for people like me who cannot afford going. It's important to my positive life, but like me, a lot of us forfeit it because it "isn't necessary."
There are parts of life that I absolutely revel in. I honestly take the most pleasure out of helping my friend through their troubles - be it monetarily, spiritually, emotionally, or other... Their lives are more important to me than my own. I give my gifts, my love, my abilities to my friends because it means so much to me to give. I hope they are as blessed as I am with my gifts.
Pray for me. Honestly. I struggle with life's most simple moments. I am alone a lot. I covet that, yet at times I loathe it. Mental illness is a real bitch, and I'm the poster child of that. Please keep us all in mind when you think of people and their struggles. It's so valid, and so needed. It's an unseen reality that most of us struggle with. Friends, family, social instances... we only want to be accepted and understood in the midst of what we deal with on a minute to minute basis. Thank you for being willing to pray and think for the mentally ill. We appreciate you!
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
A Good Man
You know when you have a good partner? Do you honestly know? I'm going to share with you my perspective.
You have a good partner in life when he gives you his best. He knows when you need a special word, or a little encouragement, and he gives it. You have a good partner when he gives life everything he has, and only has the life he builds with you as his influence. You have a good partner when he worries about you... when you're broken - mentally or physically - or both. He sees your struggle, and he tries his best to compensate for it. He makes sure you're safe. He makes sure you feel well, and when you don't, he responds. You have a good partner when his sole focus is to help you through your toughest times. It doesn't matter if he has to eat out of a can for days... if he has to clean the catbox that makes him gag just by thinking of it... he does what needs to be done. He's a strong, sensitive, beautiful soul who knows your soul. You have a good partner when you don't even realize that he's caring for things when you can't. Pain, chores, trips to urgent care, waiting in the waiting room for what may seem to him like hours... He's willing, and he responds.
My partner is one of these select few. He is a real man in my humble opinion. He works. HARD. He puts all he has into his work in order to make a better life for us. He sees us as an eternal partnership. There's nothing he wouldn't give in order to make our lives better.
We have things we need... we joke about it actually. When he went to London for 4 months last year, we had hopes of our "dream couch" to come out of his efforts of being away. I know that seems silly, but we save up for our purchases. Instead of our dream couch, we ended up with our brand new dream furnace. Without that, we would have been struggling in the middle of this past winter, and you know the winter we had... it was brutal. Thank you Jesus for foresight, and for Ben. Everything else is just gravy. We have all we need, and we live a blessed life. I don't put all of that on Ben's steadfastness... the Lord has a part in our lives that sustains us, even if Ben doesn't see it. My prayers and servanthood blesses our lives without ceasing. I know it. I see it. We are a blessed couple. I may not be able to show the outside world everything that we trust in the Lord for, but He shows the world with the life that I live. I know Jesus is a part of this household... and it's a blessing.
Big blessings or small, I praise the Lord for all of them. Ben is the biggest blessing my life has ever seen. I thank God for him every day.
Look at your life. See your blessings. It's such an amazing reality for me... Ben and I have something that is rarely seen in the world today, and I know it. I have an amazing life... and an amazing partner. Praise the Lord!
You have a good partner in life when he gives you his best. He knows when you need a special word, or a little encouragement, and he gives it. You have a good partner when he gives life everything he has, and only has the life he builds with you as his influence. You have a good partner when he worries about you... when you're broken - mentally or physically - or both. He sees your struggle, and he tries his best to compensate for it. He makes sure you're safe. He makes sure you feel well, and when you don't, he responds. You have a good partner when his sole focus is to help you through your toughest times. It doesn't matter if he has to eat out of a can for days... if he has to clean the catbox that makes him gag just by thinking of it... he does what needs to be done. He's a strong, sensitive, beautiful soul who knows your soul. You have a good partner when you don't even realize that he's caring for things when you can't. Pain, chores, trips to urgent care, waiting in the waiting room for what may seem to him like hours... He's willing, and he responds.
My partner is one of these select few. He is a real man in my humble opinion. He works. HARD. He puts all he has into his work in order to make a better life for us. He sees us as an eternal partnership. There's nothing he wouldn't give in order to make our lives better.
We have things we need... we joke about it actually. When he went to London for 4 months last year, we had hopes of our "dream couch" to come out of his efforts of being away. I know that seems silly, but we save up for our purchases. Instead of our dream couch, we ended up with our brand new dream furnace. Without that, we would have been struggling in the middle of this past winter, and you know the winter we had... it was brutal. Thank you Jesus for foresight, and for Ben. Everything else is just gravy. We have all we need, and we live a blessed life. I don't put all of that on Ben's steadfastness... the Lord has a part in our lives that sustains us, even if Ben doesn't see it. My prayers and servanthood blesses our lives without ceasing. I know it. I see it. We are a blessed couple. I may not be able to show the outside world everything that we trust in the Lord for, but He shows the world with the life that I live. I know Jesus is a part of this household... and it's a blessing.
Big blessings or small, I praise the Lord for all of them. Ben is the biggest blessing my life has ever seen. I thank God for him every day.
Look at your life. See your blessings. It's such an amazing reality for me... Ben and I have something that is rarely seen in the world today, and I know it. I have an amazing life... and an amazing partner. Praise the Lord!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Where I Find Myself
I'm seeing changes in my life lately. Changes in friendships, and changes in my career path. I've kept holding the torch for my graphic design career, simply because I know this field, and I excel in this field. I can make money in this, and I want to do that. Other artistic venues are here, and are exciting, but they hold a very small candle to the possibilities of earning a decent income.
I recently found great inspiration from mosaic art. I've since purchased the tools and materials to start creating mosaics. I have 3 pounds of glass pieces coming any day, and have acquired the other necessities to create these types of things. It's exciting! I see pinsterest pieces that are so magnificent! I want to do that! I know I will be able, as I learn and go along in the process. I hope to be able to bless my family, friends, and volunteer organizations with pieces that will bless them and increase their monetary income.
A blessing came to me last week where a business owner came to me through LinkedIn and asked me to interview with them this week. I'm waiting to hear if I'm the selected candidate. It's been a long time since I've been offered an interview, so I've been stoked to be found and sought out online. I hope to be able to say that I have a job, but I also realize, after 5 years of trying, that I may not get the job. We are a common group in this area. Graphic designers are not in high demand, unfortunately. The Lord directs my path, and I know whatever I leave my heart open for He will bless and move me forward in.
I've also found blessings in my friendships. I have reconnected with a friend from grade school who still lives right down the road from where we grew up. She has been open and inviting to me, and we have had several conversations over coffee that have begun to grow new connections in our relationship. I'm grateful. She has been a blessing to me. I have seen recently the falling away of more than one relationship due to their own struggles with life in general. I hate seeing them struggle, but I also hate to be a participant in the drama that is involved in a changing life. I steer clear of those issues, and I think it best that I do, because I am VERY OPINIONATED. Shocker, I know...
My post is of gratitude toward my God and my friends. I love you all so very much... and I want to be all that I can for you and to you. Please keep me in mind for your sounding boards, your ear to listen, your shoulder to cry on. I am an excellent listener, after years of practice. Be blessed! We are all in this life together!
I recently found great inspiration from mosaic art. I've since purchased the tools and materials to start creating mosaics. I have 3 pounds of glass pieces coming any day, and have acquired the other necessities to create these types of things. It's exciting! I see pinsterest pieces that are so magnificent! I want to do that! I know I will be able, as I learn and go along in the process. I hope to be able to bless my family, friends, and volunteer organizations with pieces that will bless them and increase their monetary income.
A blessing came to me last week where a business owner came to me through LinkedIn and asked me to interview with them this week. I'm waiting to hear if I'm the selected candidate. It's been a long time since I've been offered an interview, so I've been stoked to be found and sought out online. I hope to be able to say that I have a job, but I also realize, after 5 years of trying, that I may not get the job. We are a common group in this area. Graphic designers are not in high demand, unfortunately. The Lord directs my path, and I know whatever I leave my heart open for He will bless and move me forward in.
I've also found blessings in my friendships. I have reconnected with a friend from grade school who still lives right down the road from where we grew up. She has been open and inviting to me, and we have had several conversations over coffee that have begun to grow new connections in our relationship. I'm grateful. She has been a blessing to me. I have seen recently the falling away of more than one relationship due to their own struggles with life in general. I hate seeing them struggle, but I also hate to be a participant in the drama that is involved in a changing life. I steer clear of those issues, and I think it best that I do, because I am VERY OPINIONATED. Shocker, I know...
My post is of gratitude toward my God and my friends. I love you all so very much... and I want to be all that I can for you and to you. Please keep me in mind for your sounding boards, your ear to listen, your shoulder to cry on. I am an excellent listener, after years of practice. Be blessed! We are all in this life together!
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Am I to miss you, or they?
Years ago, I was part of a leadership group at my work at Roberts Wesleyan College. They chose me to be a participant, and I felt honored that they did. I shared a poem from my daily devotional one day during our meetings and it made me cry as I read in front of the group. I want to share it here:
I said "Let me walk in the field,"
God said "Nay, walk in the town,"
I said "There are no flowers there,"
He said "No flowers, but a crown."
I said "But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din,"
But He wept as He sent me back,
"There is more" he said, "there is sin."
I said "But the air is thick,
and fogs are veiling the sun;"
He answered "Yet souls are sick,
And souls in the dark undone."
I said "I shall miss the light,
and friends will miss me, they say;"
And He answered to me "Choose tonight,
If I am to miss you, or they."
I pleaded for time to be given;
He said "Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem hard in heaven
To have followed the steps of your Guide."
I cast one look at the field,
Then set my face to the town;
He said "My child, do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for the crown?"
Then into His hand went mine,
And into my heart came He;
And I walk in a Light divine,
The path I had feared to see.
This poem has been part of my inner being for all these years. I have kept it in my heart ever since the first time I read it. My life has been a series of these moments... when I beat my wings against the cage, trying my best to break free from where He placed me. It's a futile effort, even though I seem to forget the futility often. I have spent so many years trying to find my own way. In recent years, without the comfort of a steady income of my own, I have had to rely on the Lord for my strength, my light, my daily life. I spent so many hours pouring out my heart to God, pleading with Him to show me what He wants for me. It has been a long road, and a very difficult struggle. I have always known that He directs my paths. I just don't want to hear it when I feel as though I want to do more, and be more. It isn't wrong to want to be more, but I know He wants me to be more FOR HIM. He is my sustenance, and He provides for me.
My point in all of this is to say, yesterday I felt the Lord's tug at me when my neighbor stopped over to our house. He is struggling with a spouse who is deteriorating quickly with Alzheimer's disease. He asked me to help him update his house last year but we never got to it. This year, he has another need before we begin the house chores. I will be caring for his cats as he takes his wife to Florida where he is updating a condo for them to spend the winters in. He isn't sure if his wife will be well enough to go this coming winter, but I think the condo is more for his benefit in the future. They aren't faith based people, and don't have a relationship with God. I know the Lord is tugging at me to be part of their lives, help them in their time of need, and hopefully show them His love and eternal blessings.
Please pray for my neighbors and friends. Please pray for our time together to be fruitful. I know God has a plan in all of this, and it was a strong enough tug on my heart and mind for me to share it here. Listen for the Lord. Hear His words in your life. It's important, and if you listen closer, you may not have to bear the years of uncertainty that I have in waiting on His path to be made known to me. Wasted time isn't wasted when you're resting in the Lord, and waiting on His timing.
I said "Let me walk in the field,"
God said "Nay, walk in the town,"
I said "There are no flowers there,"
He said "No flowers, but a crown."
I said "But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din,"
But He wept as He sent me back,
"There is more" he said, "there is sin."
I said "But the air is thick,
and fogs are veiling the sun;"
He answered "Yet souls are sick,
And souls in the dark undone."
I said "I shall miss the light,
and friends will miss me, they say;"
And He answered to me "Choose tonight,
If I am to miss you, or they."
I pleaded for time to be given;
He said "Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem hard in heaven
To have followed the steps of your Guide."
I cast one look at the field,
Then set my face to the town;
He said "My child, do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for the crown?"
Then into His hand went mine,
And into my heart came He;
And I walk in a Light divine,
The path I had feared to see.
This poem has been part of my inner being for all these years. I have kept it in my heart ever since the first time I read it. My life has been a series of these moments... when I beat my wings against the cage, trying my best to break free from where He placed me. It's a futile effort, even though I seem to forget the futility often. I have spent so many years trying to find my own way. In recent years, without the comfort of a steady income of my own, I have had to rely on the Lord for my strength, my light, my daily life. I spent so many hours pouring out my heart to God, pleading with Him to show me what He wants for me. It has been a long road, and a very difficult struggle. I have always known that He directs my paths. I just don't want to hear it when I feel as though I want to do more, and be more. It isn't wrong to want to be more, but I know He wants me to be more FOR HIM. He is my sustenance, and He provides for me.
My point in all of this is to say, yesterday I felt the Lord's tug at me when my neighbor stopped over to our house. He is struggling with a spouse who is deteriorating quickly with Alzheimer's disease. He asked me to help him update his house last year but we never got to it. This year, he has another need before we begin the house chores. I will be caring for his cats as he takes his wife to Florida where he is updating a condo for them to spend the winters in. He isn't sure if his wife will be well enough to go this coming winter, but I think the condo is more for his benefit in the future. They aren't faith based people, and don't have a relationship with God. I know the Lord is tugging at me to be part of their lives, help them in their time of need, and hopefully show them His love and eternal blessings.
Please pray for my neighbors and friends. Please pray for our time together to be fruitful. I know God has a plan in all of this, and it was a strong enough tug on my heart and mind for me to share it here. Listen for the Lord. Hear His words in your life. It's important, and if you listen closer, you may not have to bear the years of uncertainty that I have in waiting on His path to be made known to me. Wasted time isn't wasted when you're resting in the Lord, and waiting on His timing.
Monday, March 16, 2015
When People Die...
There have been several deaths in the lives of people I know and care about. They were each people I've known, but not well. High school classmates who live nearby, and an ex-coworker's son. They were all young people. One took his own life, the other two were only 43 years old. Too soon... all very sad. All deaths are sad. Some are merciful, others are unexpected. None of them are easy. I can't say that I've been deeply effected by these deaths... I don't know why. Usually I'm overcome with grief. I take on the grief of others, which is a big flaw of mine. I'm preparing myself mentally for calling hours and the funeral of my high school friend. This one is the closest to my heart. My dear friends were her dear friends. We spent a lot of time together in high school. Since 25 years have gone by, we haven't been close, but always remained friendly. Her death was sudden and as of yet, the reasons are unknown. I know people who are devastated over this... people who don't have a lot of friends, and who aren't close to Jesus. Jesus helps me get through tough times. He is my hope for the future.
I haven't been feeling like life is very important. I don't see my life as important. I know that's not good. When I hear of someone passing, there's a point where I wonder if they're better off. The cancer patient isn't suffering anymore. The depressed man isn't suffering anymore. Life wasn't easy for them... Hopefully they're in a better place, but I don't know their fate. I believe in heaven and hell, so without certainty of their eternal state, I still wonder if they're better off. One can only hope they are. I envy those who get to leave this awful world and fall into the arms of God. What a wonderful place to be! Words don't come close to how my heart longs to be there too. But, they must go, and I must bide...
I've tried to be a help to my friends who are struggling with our classmate's recent death... They all seem so sad. The loss to them is huge. Not being close to our classmate for 25 years keeps me at a distance emotionally, but I guess, for me, that's okay. I'm not the strongest person emotionally. In fact, I think I'm pretty weak. Very few people know just how weak I really am. I put on a good front, and when I'm down, I force myself to continually say "I can do this." Sometimes I believe those words... sometimes not. I still think I convince the people concerned about me that I'm okay... but that's becoming more and more difficult as the years progress. It's exhausting. By the end of the funeral wednesday I know I'm going to be completely drained. It will take me a few days to get back to "normal" emotionally. But "I can do this."
I feel very sorry for the families left behind, because there is now a huge hole in their lives that will be their new normal. That's not a normal anyone wants to live with. Some of them don't know Jesus, but some do. Hopefully we as friends and loved ones can pray and comfort those who need it most. And, through that, perhaps someone will know Jesus through our efforts. One can only hope. I am only a child of God to these people... and Jesus uses us in times of need. I hope He uses me to help some of these people who are suffering with grief and loss. Please pray for these families. Pray for all of us. We certainly can't have too many people praying. Thanks.
I haven't been feeling like life is very important. I don't see my life as important. I know that's not good. When I hear of someone passing, there's a point where I wonder if they're better off. The cancer patient isn't suffering anymore. The depressed man isn't suffering anymore. Life wasn't easy for them... Hopefully they're in a better place, but I don't know their fate. I believe in heaven and hell, so without certainty of their eternal state, I still wonder if they're better off. One can only hope they are. I envy those who get to leave this awful world and fall into the arms of God. What a wonderful place to be! Words don't come close to how my heart longs to be there too. But, they must go, and I must bide...
I've tried to be a help to my friends who are struggling with our classmate's recent death... They all seem so sad. The loss to them is huge. Not being close to our classmate for 25 years keeps me at a distance emotionally, but I guess, for me, that's okay. I'm not the strongest person emotionally. In fact, I think I'm pretty weak. Very few people know just how weak I really am. I put on a good front, and when I'm down, I force myself to continually say "I can do this." Sometimes I believe those words... sometimes not. I still think I convince the people concerned about me that I'm okay... but that's becoming more and more difficult as the years progress. It's exhausting. By the end of the funeral wednesday I know I'm going to be completely drained. It will take me a few days to get back to "normal" emotionally. But "I can do this."
I feel very sorry for the families left behind, because there is now a huge hole in their lives that will be their new normal. That's not a normal anyone wants to live with. Some of them don't know Jesus, but some do. Hopefully we as friends and loved ones can pray and comfort those who need it most. And, through that, perhaps someone will know Jesus through our efforts. One can only hope. I am only a child of God to these people... and Jesus uses us in times of need. I hope He uses me to help some of these people who are suffering with grief and loss. Please pray for these families. Pray for all of us. We certainly can't have too many people praying. Thanks.
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