I watched the president last night, AND the speaker of the house with his 'retort'... and have to say that even though I'm not a republican or a democrat, I can see the problems with having only two major parties in charge of things. I doubt it will ever end, and there will always be the plethora of underlying reasons why senators and congresspeople do what they do. They make promises to groups and get extra 'incentives' for leaning in their direction. They throw things into bills that don't belong there, and don't have anything to do with the bill itself, just to get an underhanded/dirty backdoor law in place where lobbyists and large corporations can get away with more, pay less taxes, extend their underhanded practices, etc. I don't like how human nature and greed has overcome our governmental system. It's been a mess for decades, and there's nothing that I've seen lately that has changed that. I have faith in the president. I believe he wants bigger changes than he is capable of winning. I can see where he stands, and what he wants to do... it makes sense to me, but then that's just me.
Entitlements seems like such a bad word for what it represents. I myself, and my family members have been part of these entitlements, and I know for a fact that my mother and father worked hard for what my mother now receives on a monthly basis. She can't get by without it, nor should she have to. Social security was supposed to be a protected fund, not allowed to be touched or used for any other purpose than what it was initially intended for. Yet, here we are. Medicaid and Medicare fraud runs rampant, and the laws and loopholes are such that allow doctors to fraud the system, individuals to rape the system due to their dishonest behaviors. It's sick, but I can see how a free country like ours can be taken advantage of. It's easy... easier than working for a living. Welfare should not be an 'entitlement', but social security and medical coverage should be. You can't help your illnesses sometimes... you can't help getting older. You put into the pot, year after year, and you expect that, after all the years of service/work that you'll be able to live decently after you can't work anymore, or stop working due to age... I know I'm missing a lot of it, and if my friend Vinessa reads this, she may clue me into some of what I don't know...
What I do know is that the Lord reigns over this earth. He knows what's going on, down to the last, the least, and the lost. He sees. I trust He won't allow for the faithful, who trust in Him for their every day, to suffer due to the lack of morality and ethical standings of the people in charge. All I can do is pray that He will care for us. He promises that in the bible... and I trust in His promises.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
kids...
Okay I'm on a roll... children are a gift from the Lord... that's what they say, right? I'm not in love with that saying. I've never been a lover of children, and have never felt the need to be a parent. I don't know where that stems from, because I had an excellent childhood, wonderful parents, and a beautiful upbringing that I have only fond memories of. Why would someone like that not dig kids? I don't. I don't have a love of spending time with children, I don't care to, and I never have. It seems odd to some people, especially my older Christian friends/acquaintances.
I love hearing the neighbors' kids frolicking in the pool they got put in last year. I love hearing the laughter of children, and seeing them smile, laugh, play... it's a joy. But, there are points when my uncertainty of children takes over, and I shut down in the midst of what would be a fun time for all. I know for a fact that my husband is the favorite in every child-friendly situation. He adapts well to the environment, and ends up being the 'fun one'. It's good, because it keeps me from being approached by the children in the scenario. I know at least one of my friends may take offense to this, but I can't help it. I seize up in these situations. I clam up, I can't think of what to say, what to do, or what to be for/to children. I must seem like the biggest bitch sometimes, because I end up being quiet and keeping to myself, or even walking away. It's not an easy personality trait to maintain, OR overcome.
I, and my husband as a result of our decision to not have children, have had a lot of questions thrown at us in the midst of these situations. I can't say it's easy to get parents to understand my (our) perspective on the children issue, and so when asked, I end up giving a life story of how I never played with dolls, never felt the need to be a parent, never wanted to be around children, etc. To this day I know I've been looked upon as 'unusual', although my mother (bless her soul) has always maintained that it's fine to be who I am, and it's good that I knew before I tried to have a family that it wasn't for me. Why can't other people just be the way my mother is? I know she'd rather have more than one grandchild... (and she does, with her step family)... but why must I be the 'unusual' person who chose to remain vigilant with what I knew in my heart was best for me? I get pastors looking at me like I have three heads... families who love children so much and have since they were small feel like I was a negative aspect on their families' lives... thank goodness for close friends who don't judge! Not saying any of the people who may take offense to this blog judge me (us), but still... it's a stretch for them to understand who we are and what we want out of life. Frankly, sometimes it's questionable for me as to what we want out of life, but there lies the struggle.
I've been an animal advocate/activist for years. I want to be a 'George Eastman' in some regards. Being able to give to the people and places that my heart feels are in need of my aid, and places I feel I could make an impact. I don't know if my husband feels the same sense of philanthropy that I feel, but that's my goal in life. To aid animals and their needs when it seems as though so many don't see their need, or for that matter, care. I wanted in the deepest depths of my soul to be an elephant caregiver in Tennessee for a long time now. I've applied repeatedly, volunteered, and been a part of the Elephant Sanctuary (elephants.com) for a while now, ever since I saw the piece that CBS made on their uncommon friendship between one of the elephants and a dog they'd adopted on the grounds. It warmed my heart - thrilled me to my soul - to think that I could be part of this sanctuary and all that it holds dear. To this day my heart still holds that hope, but it hasn't been what the Lord wants for me, so I go on, hoping, watching, and loving instead.
Children are wonderful, there's no question. I know that children are who hold the future, and are what so many people disregard in terms of education, truly strong family upbringings, and future needs for our country. We as Americans have slid backward in the family unit, and have allowed the children to pay the price. I see our country in crisis when it comes to the family and the values that family holds. There are broken homes, people who shouldn't have children who bring them up poorly or not at all. What we need to give focus to is the educational system and the moral decay that our country has allowed to happen.
If you have children, be sure to nurture them as best you're able, and give them all of the values and strength that your parents gave you. If that's not enough in your opinion, then give them more. Give them all you have... they are so valuable. Me, I give what I can to my friends and family's children. I try to instill in them a sense of independence, self worth, and need to strive for whatever their hearts desire. They can do anything if they're given the opportunity and set their minds to it. They have to know that, and believe in themselves for that to come to fruition. It takes a village, for sure - people who can impact their lives, instill in them the will and the understanding of what could be. I know I can impact the lives of children outside of rearing them... and that's what I try to do.
I love hearing the neighbors' kids frolicking in the pool they got put in last year. I love hearing the laughter of children, and seeing them smile, laugh, play... it's a joy. But, there are points when my uncertainty of children takes over, and I shut down in the midst of what would be a fun time for all. I know for a fact that my husband is the favorite in every child-friendly situation. He adapts well to the environment, and ends up being the 'fun one'. It's good, because it keeps me from being approached by the children in the scenario. I know at least one of my friends may take offense to this, but I can't help it. I seize up in these situations. I clam up, I can't think of what to say, what to do, or what to be for/to children. I must seem like the biggest bitch sometimes, because I end up being quiet and keeping to myself, or even walking away. It's not an easy personality trait to maintain, OR overcome.
I, and my husband as a result of our decision to not have children, have had a lot of questions thrown at us in the midst of these situations. I can't say it's easy to get parents to understand my (our) perspective on the children issue, and so when asked, I end up giving a life story of how I never played with dolls, never felt the need to be a parent, never wanted to be around children, etc. To this day I know I've been looked upon as 'unusual', although my mother (bless her soul) has always maintained that it's fine to be who I am, and it's good that I knew before I tried to have a family that it wasn't for me. Why can't other people just be the way my mother is? I know she'd rather have more than one grandchild... (and she does, with her step family)... but why must I be the 'unusual' person who chose to remain vigilant with what I knew in my heart was best for me? I get pastors looking at me like I have three heads... families who love children so much and have since they were small feel like I was a negative aspect on their families' lives... thank goodness for close friends who don't judge! Not saying any of the people who may take offense to this blog judge me (us), but still... it's a stretch for them to understand who we are and what we want out of life. Frankly, sometimes it's questionable for me as to what we want out of life, but there lies the struggle.
I've been an animal advocate/activist for years. I want to be a 'George Eastman' in some regards. Being able to give to the people and places that my heart feels are in need of my aid, and places I feel I could make an impact. I don't know if my husband feels the same sense of philanthropy that I feel, but that's my goal in life. To aid animals and their needs when it seems as though so many don't see their need, or for that matter, care. I wanted in the deepest depths of my soul to be an elephant caregiver in Tennessee for a long time now. I've applied repeatedly, volunteered, and been a part of the Elephant Sanctuary (elephants.com) for a while now, ever since I saw the piece that CBS made on their uncommon friendship between one of the elephants and a dog they'd adopted on the grounds. It warmed my heart - thrilled me to my soul - to think that I could be part of this sanctuary and all that it holds dear. To this day my heart still holds that hope, but it hasn't been what the Lord wants for me, so I go on, hoping, watching, and loving instead.
Children are wonderful, there's no question. I know that children are who hold the future, and are what so many people disregard in terms of education, truly strong family upbringings, and future needs for our country. We as Americans have slid backward in the family unit, and have allowed the children to pay the price. I see our country in crisis when it comes to the family and the values that family holds. There are broken homes, people who shouldn't have children who bring them up poorly or not at all. What we need to give focus to is the educational system and the moral decay that our country has allowed to happen.
If you have children, be sure to nurture them as best you're able, and give them all of the values and strength that your parents gave you. If that's not enough in your opinion, then give them more. Give them all you have... they are so valuable. Me, I give what I can to my friends and family's children. I try to instill in them a sense of independence, self worth, and need to strive for whatever their hearts desire. They can do anything if they're given the opportunity and set their minds to it. They have to know that, and believe in themselves for that to come to fruition. It takes a village, for sure - people who can impact their lives, instill in them the will and the understanding of what could be. I know I can impact the lives of children outside of rearing them... and that's what I try to do.
friendships that fall short...
Again, the introverted anxiety stricken person writing this has to come forth first with the reality that this isn't always the case for everyone. I am a very specific personality type and I've realized that not everyone cares for the way I am or the way I speak, act, etc. I've had to make some difficult decisions in the past, and not so distant past, that has brought me to the point of distancing myself from others. Others, specifically certain individuals that I've either grown away from, or who have grown away from me. It isn't always me, but a combination of different lifestyles, different life decisions, and different life goals that have brought these things to fruition. It always takes two to tango, so they say... and sometimes friendships get left behind for many good (and bad) reasons.
I've read things that say sometimes it's necessary to distance one's self from certain people, depending on what has become of the relationship, or what has become of either person's life. I've had a difficult year. Probably one of the worst years in my life so far... in fact, yes... it has been. Growth has been mandatory. I don't deny the fact that I've gone down hill in some aspects of my life, and have had to climb my way back to where I think I need to be. Based on my faith, which is strong and overrides most of my life's decisions, I've felt a sense of failure in a lot of things. Some of the people who love me, and who I love in return have been gracious enough with me to continue to support me, continue to want to be around me, and visit with me on a fairly regular basis. For that I'm grateful. There are others who have distanced themselves, for either their own personal or professional reasons. I get that... I'm street smart, which allows me the ability to sense when things aren't always as people verbalize. One thing about verbal versus actions is that you can always tell eventually what the real story is.
Letting go of friendships isn't easy. In fact it's been very difficult for me in the past. I had a 'bestie' who now is less than that... to the point of being quite quiet in my life. I realize we're very different people, and have very different paths, goals, jobs, views on the world, and most everything else. I wonder how our friendship ever blossomed to the point that it once was, to be honest. I love her very much, and I know she still loves me, but at this point in life, it's just too difficult to blend our lives right now. I have to take most of the blame for that, as my life has been the one to change drastically in the last year, and hers has not. What I know is that walking away for a while can be a good thing. It isn't always negative. Stepping back and taking a look at things from a distanced perspective is good to do once in a while. I know deep down that there are things about me that have changed, but I also realize that I can be a good friend to people no matter what stage of life I'm in. Ask my friend Lisa Tucker. She'll tell you who I was and who I am now, because we've been friends for 35 years. I'll never lose Lisa as a friend, because we've bonded to the point of being family. Her family is mine, and mine is hers. Those types of friendships are precious and you can't put into words the value they have.
What am I saying in all of this? I'm just saying that it's okay that we change, it's okay that we're not the same person we were in high school, and it's okay that sometimes we move on from people who may hold us back, or who we may hold back as a result of the changes in our lives and personalities. Sometimes there are circumstances that bring us back together. I had that happen recently. I hadn't spoken with a friend in nearly 10 years, and she reached out to me as her mother was dying. I knew it was the right time to rally that friendship, and it has been a blessing since. You can sometimes see the reasons for these things, step outside of yourself, and be who you need to be for the other person. It can be a blessing that the Lord puts in your path... and you may be able to help someone who you never thought you'd be able to help again. It's a good feeling... to be more than you were before to someone. To grow in a place where you were once stagnant. That's what life is about - growth. Being more. Striving for better. Being successful in many things outside of the workplace. I think that's what the Lord has taught me this year... to be more than who I was in the workplace. To believe in myself outside of my ability to do a job, and do it well. I am more than what I was before. I'm better. I'm more rounded, more balanced, and more successful in parts of my life that I'd left stagnant before.
Be more. Do what you can for others. Stand in the gap for someone who needs your help. It's worth it. It's a gift we as human beings can give one another.
I've read things that say sometimes it's necessary to distance one's self from certain people, depending on what has become of the relationship, or what has become of either person's life. I've had a difficult year. Probably one of the worst years in my life so far... in fact, yes... it has been. Growth has been mandatory. I don't deny the fact that I've gone down hill in some aspects of my life, and have had to climb my way back to where I think I need to be. Based on my faith, which is strong and overrides most of my life's decisions, I've felt a sense of failure in a lot of things. Some of the people who love me, and who I love in return have been gracious enough with me to continue to support me, continue to want to be around me, and visit with me on a fairly regular basis. For that I'm grateful. There are others who have distanced themselves, for either their own personal or professional reasons. I get that... I'm street smart, which allows me the ability to sense when things aren't always as people verbalize. One thing about verbal versus actions is that you can always tell eventually what the real story is.
Letting go of friendships isn't easy. In fact it's been very difficult for me in the past. I had a 'bestie' who now is less than that... to the point of being quite quiet in my life. I realize we're very different people, and have very different paths, goals, jobs, views on the world, and most everything else. I wonder how our friendship ever blossomed to the point that it once was, to be honest. I love her very much, and I know she still loves me, but at this point in life, it's just too difficult to blend our lives right now. I have to take most of the blame for that, as my life has been the one to change drastically in the last year, and hers has not. What I know is that walking away for a while can be a good thing. It isn't always negative. Stepping back and taking a look at things from a distanced perspective is good to do once in a while. I know deep down that there are things about me that have changed, but I also realize that I can be a good friend to people no matter what stage of life I'm in. Ask my friend Lisa Tucker. She'll tell you who I was and who I am now, because we've been friends for 35 years. I'll never lose Lisa as a friend, because we've bonded to the point of being family. Her family is mine, and mine is hers. Those types of friendships are precious and you can't put into words the value they have.
What am I saying in all of this? I'm just saying that it's okay that we change, it's okay that we're not the same person we were in high school, and it's okay that sometimes we move on from people who may hold us back, or who we may hold back as a result of the changes in our lives and personalities. Sometimes there are circumstances that bring us back together. I had that happen recently. I hadn't spoken with a friend in nearly 10 years, and she reached out to me as her mother was dying. I knew it was the right time to rally that friendship, and it has been a blessing since. You can sometimes see the reasons for these things, step outside of yourself, and be who you need to be for the other person. It can be a blessing that the Lord puts in your path... and you may be able to help someone who you never thought you'd be able to help again. It's a good feeling... to be more than you were before to someone. To grow in a place where you were once stagnant. That's what life is about - growth. Being more. Striving for better. Being successful in many things outside of the workplace. I think that's what the Lord has taught me this year... to be more than who I was in the workplace. To believe in myself outside of my ability to do a job, and do it well. I am more than what I was before. I'm better. I'm more rounded, more balanced, and more successful in parts of my life that I'd left stagnant before.
Be more. Do what you can for others. Stand in the gap for someone who needs your help. It's worth it. It's a gift we as human beings can give one another.
Monday, July 18, 2011
a weekend away from home
It's funny, being an anxious introvert, how much just a few days can take me down to where I'm just exhausted. This morning is no exception. We went away to some friends' hometown for the weekend to enjoy a surprise birthday party and a weekend of 'summer fest' fun. Most of what was happening was drinking and dancing, laughing with their family and friends, and generally having a good time. No pool to be found, although we were told there would be... silly little communication breakdown, but I was jazzed to sit by a pool and enjoy the sun and water. Oh well.
Memories are often made on excursions like this one... and this weekend was no exception. We went into town to hear a band play at a local bar, because the birthday girl really loves doing that during 'summer fest'. We got into it, it was amusing to say the least, but one of our cohorts was a little past the point of no return even as we headed out to town. From there, it was all downhill for him. Town was about 2 miles away from where we stayed, and the taxi services in town were minimal. Once 3 a.m. hit, there was no way of getting back except by hoofing it. Ah, good times! Meanwhile, our friend who was beyond himself needed to get home as well, but wasn't intending on going back to where we were staying. He lives in the other direction. Well, he had to come with us, and we had to walk... so, off we went... dragging our companion with us as he stumbled along with one of the guys in our pack trying to keep him upright. I was not amused. It takes a lot for me to get angry but I was, and it wasn't pretty. We got past the four cops who had pulled over a girl and was giving her a sobriety test... thank goodness... but as we continued on, the task multiplied. Our friend had flip flops on, and every three or four steps he tried to take, one or both of his flops flew off his feet. It was funny as I look back, but what a chore trying to get him home! At one point the 90 pound girl trying to help this 240 pound dead weight drunk took the helm in aiding his walk along the side of a very dark road. Three steps in, and both of them fell to the ground... he tossed her like a rag doll, and ended up on his back. Both were fine, laughing uncontrollably, but she figured out fast that she couldn't help the rest of us with the challenge. She ended up sprinting ahead to get the car, and we all wound up having only to walk about half the distance we faced. It was quite a mess, all things considered, and he remembered none of it. I laughed at the sight of his flip flops the next day, because they were all scuffed and worn from the beating they took during our walk. Ah memories!
Overall, it was a great time, and we had fun. Met some nice people, and enjoyed the time. Sometimes it's good to get away and do something different, and this was exactly that... However, I've had my fill of 'doing something different' for a bit, and am quite content sitting at home writing and trying to get the house put back together.
Summer is a time of fun and folly, for sure. I enjoy the summer and all that it has to offer... the heat I could do without - being near 90 all this week isn't sounding so great. I may just get a little white trashy and put a kiddie pool out on the deck for myself to sit in and cool off. :) Maybe.
Memories are often made on excursions like this one... and this weekend was no exception. We went into town to hear a band play at a local bar, because the birthday girl really loves doing that during 'summer fest'. We got into it, it was amusing to say the least, but one of our cohorts was a little past the point of no return even as we headed out to town. From there, it was all downhill for him. Town was about 2 miles away from where we stayed, and the taxi services in town were minimal. Once 3 a.m. hit, there was no way of getting back except by hoofing it. Ah, good times! Meanwhile, our friend who was beyond himself needed to get home as well, but wasn't intending on going back to where we were staying. He lives in the other direction. Well, he had to come with us, and we had to walk... so, off we went... dragging our companion with us as he stumbled along with one of the guys in our pack trying to keep him upright. I was not amused. It takes a lot for me to get angry but I was, and it wasn't pretty. We got past the four cops who had pulled over a girl and was giving her a sobriety test... thank goodness... but as we continued on, the task multiplied. Our friend had flip flops on, and every three or four steps he tried to take, one or both of his flops flew off his feet. It was funny as I look back, but what a chore trying to get him home! At one point the 90 pound girl trying to help this 240 pound dead weight drunk took the helm in aiding his walk along the side of a very dark road. Three steps in, and both of them fell to the ground... he tossed her like a rag doll, and ended up on his back. Both were fine, laughing uncontrollably, but she figured out fast that she couldn't help the rest of us with the challenge. She ended up sprinting ahead to get the car, and we all wound up having only to walk about half the distance we faced. It was quite a mess, all things considered, and he remembered none of it. I laughed at the sight of his flip flops the next day, because they were all scuffed and worn from the beating they took during our walk. Ah memories!
Overall, it was a great time, and we had fun. Met some nice people, and enjoyed the time. Sometimes it's good to get away and do something different, and this was exactly that... However, I've had my fill of 'doing something different' for a bit, and am quite content sitting at home writing and trying to get the house put back together.
Summer is a time of fun and folly, for sure. I enjoy the summer and all that it has to offer... the heat I could do without - being near 90 all this week isn't sounding so great. I may just get a little white trashy and put a kiddie pool out on the deck for myself to sit in and cool off. :) Maybe.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
What to say... hmmm...
I have it in my head to talk about Casey Anthony, but there's so much discussion about it, it seems I'm only perpetuating the wrongness by talking more about it. Therefore, I say, the world has become a place where evil abounds, and whatever comes of her and her family is just what the world has for them. I hope they have a firm faith, or have found faith in the midst of all of this... and from there, they can only get better, and hopefully heal.
Now, on to more matters of importance. Being on a 40 foot ladder at a peak about 3 stories high is a feat in itself. I've had the privilege of being gifted with a lack of fear of heights, and it serves me well in the home we've been blessed with. I try to paint the outside of the house as it needs it, and boy, it sure needs it in certain places. Thankfully the largest side of the house is covered in ivy, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to tackle that task. Meanwhile, I'm tackling another section, which is nearly as high, but doesn't have the enormous slope in the ground surrounding the north side. However, without enough strength to handle moving this huge ladder (which weighs a TON), I'm stuck waiting on strong male family members to come and help me move it. I don't like being forced to depend on others. That's one thing I've always struggled with. I like my independence, and don't care to give it up. Lacking fear of much of anything is one thing, but patience is a virtue I have yet to fully learn. Believe me, I'm trying. This past year I've grown a lot in that realm, but times like these it fails me.
What makes one strong? There are a lot of answers to that question. Inner strength is a wonderful thing... I feel like I have a lot of inner strength, but there are certain aspects of life that bring out the intimidation and uncertainty. I can say that things in my past have strengthened me... going through difficulties always brings a certain increase in wisdom and strength. How I wish we didn't have to bear struggles in order to gain wisdom and strength! One thing you can't really pass on to others is strength. You can talk of your own, and allow people to see strength through opening your heart to them, but it doesn't translate into strength for them. What they are able to glean from your openness is golden, but they have to find strength on their own.
My family is one of codependence and enabling. I hate to say I'm in that same category, because I see all the wrong in it when I look at OTHER family members... but yes, I am among them in these things. We want so much to help one another to be better, stronger, wiser, and overall healthier people, but we lack the ability to see that we can't transfer strength to one another as much as we'd like to. The family unit is indeed an avenue of strength - knowing you have people to support you, like the ones coming to move the ladder today. Allowing them to make bad decisions and rely on you to help them out of those decisions is another matter entirely. We do that. I try not to, but in my heart, they're my family, and it's a guilt that lingers if I don't at least help a little.
One of my family members just moved home after being states away for 5+ years. He struggled a lot while he was away... found himself in situations that certainly built his wisdom and strength as he went through them. I can say now that he is a stronger, more mature person who knows the value of family, the value of a dollar, of a roof over his head, a bed to lay on, and food to eat. Those are priceless lessons of life that you can't get any other way but by going through the bad situations. I'm proud of him. He inspires me in those things he's endured.
In any case, perhaps this trial that has been going on for 3 years with the Anthony family will bring them wisdom and discernment that they didn't have before. Perhaps they've all been able to take something good away from what they've been through. I hope so. No one can live their lives or know their pain like they do. It's possible that no one knows what really did happen, except for the person(s) who committed the crime. If so, it may be a daunting task to continue on in life, not knowing what happened to Caylee... but I don't think living life in the middle of the pain of not knowing is going to get them any peace. Hopefully they'll find strength and be able to move on successfully.
Now, on to more matters of importance. Being on a 40 foot ladder at a peak about 3 stories high is a feat in itself. I've had the privilege of being gifted with a lack of fear of heights, and it serves me well in the home we've been blessed with. I try to paint the outside of the house as it needs it, and boy, it sure needs it in certain places. Thankfully the largest side of the house is covered in ivy, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to tackle that task. Meanwhile, I'm tackling another section, which is nearly as high, but doesn't have the enormous slope in the ground surrounding the north side. However, without enough strength to handle moving this huge ladder (which weighs a TON), I'm stuck waiting on strong male family members to come and help me move it. I don't like being forced to depend on others. That's one thing I've always struggled with. I like my independence, and don't care to give it up. Lacking fear of much of anything is one thing, but patience is a virtue I have yet to fully learn. Believe me, I'm trying. This past year I've grown a lot in that realm, but times like these it fails me.
What makes one strong? There are a lot of answers to that question. Inner strength is a wonderful thing... I feel like I have a lot of inner strength, but there are certain aspects of life that bring out the intimidation and uncertainty. I can say that things in my past have strengthened me... going through difficulties always brings a certain increase in wisdom and strength. How I wish we didn't have to bear struggles in order to gain wisdom and strength! One thing you can't really pass on to others is strength. You can talk of your own, and allow people to see strength through opening your heart to them, but it doesn't translate into strength for them. What they are able to glean from your openness is golden, but they have to find strength on their own.
My family is one of codependence and enabling. I hate to say I'm in that same category, because I see all the wrong in it when I look at OTHER family members... but yes, I am among them in these things. We want so much to help one another to be better, stronger, wiser, and overall healthier people, but we lack the ability to see that we can't transfer strength to one another as much as we'd like to. The family unit is indeed an avenue of strength - knowing you have people to support you, like the ones coming to move the ladder today. Allowing them to make bad decisions and rely on you to help them out of those decisions is another matter entirely. We do that. I try not to, but in my heart, they're my family, and it's a guilt that lingers if I don't at least help a little.
One of my family members just moved home after being states away for 5+ years. He struggled a lot while he was away... found himself in situations that certainly built his wisdom and strength as he went through them. I can say now that he is a stronger, more mature person who knows the value of family, the value of a dollar, of a roof over his head, a bed to lay on, and food to eat. Those are priceless lessons of life that you can't get any other way but by going through the bad situations. I'm proud of him. He inspires me in those things he's endured.
In any case, perhaps this trial that has been going on for 3 years with the Anthony family will bring them wisdom and discernment that they didn't have before. Perhaps they've all been able to take something good away from what they've been through. I hope so. No one can live their lives or know their pain like they do. It's possible that no one knows what really did happen, except for the person(s) who committed the crime. If so, it may be a daunting task to continue on in life, not knowing what happened to Caylee... but I don't think living life in the middle of the pain of not knowing is going to get them any peace. Hopefully they'll find strength and be able to move on successfully.
Friday, July 1, 2011
second go...
Ben and I went to see Roger Waters of Pink Floyd last year in Buffalo. It was a concert that Ben called his "3 Tenors" moment. The history of that was, when I was 26, I had an opportunity to go to see the Three Tenors in Toronto. They are my all time favorite musicians. I knew I'd never have the opportunity to see them again, so I spent a foolish amount of money to go. It was magnificent. Best money I've ever spent. I can't tell you how thrilled I STILL am over being able to go see them. Now that Pavoratti is gone, there's no way that can be recreated, and I'm so glad I chose to splurge and go. So, with Ben, Roger Waters has that same appeal. We went, and it was magnificent.
What I came away with in all of that, not being a huge Pink Floyd fan myself, was the crowd. The place was packed. You couldn't hear yourself think when the crowd began to cheer. I stopped for a moment and drank that in. I thought "what must it feel like to be someone who can be the type of person or the level of artist who can generate that sort of response just by walking out on a stage? Would that be the most thrilling moment in the life of any man? And to live it again and again like Roger Waters or Luciano Pavoratti does/did, is it as momentous as it was for me as I thought about it there in the arena? I hope so. I hope they drink it in, and that it causes them to become even more aware of their talent, their worthiness, and their life as an artist. Fanfare has so much adrenalin to it... so much life in it. There is such a feeling of overwhelming adoration and praise. I can only imagine.
There are days where I would love nothing more than to be that level of artist... and then there's me, the real person, who would shy away from that sort of accolade. Should we strive to be all that we can be, only to receive that sort of adoration from others? No... we shouldn't rely on human emotion to make who we are in this world. We have to be who we are, no matter if we're ditch diggers, multi million dollar musicians, homemakers, parents, or anything else. To be all we can for the life we're given is what counts. Do all you can in the place you've been established. Life isn't about the accolades. It won't be on our tombstones... it won't be what people remember. Our legacy will reflect who we are to one another.
What I came away with in all of that, not being a huge Pink Floyd fan myself, was the crowd. The place was packed. You couldn't hear yourself think when the crowd began to cheer. I stopped for a moment and drank that in. I thought "what must it feel like to be someone who can be the type of person or the level of artist who can generate that sort of response just by walking out on a stage? Would that be the most thrilling moment in the life of any man? And to live it again and again like Roger Waters or Luciano Pavoratti does/did, is it as momentous as it was for me as I thought about it there in the arena? I hope so. I hope they drink it in, and that it causes them to become even more aware of their talent, their worthiness, and their life as an artist. Fanfare has so much adrenalin to it... so much life in it. There is such a feeling of overwhelming adoration and praise. I can only imagine.
There are days where I would love nothing more than to be that level of artist... and then there's me, the real person, who would shy away from that sort of accolade. Should we strive to be all that we can be, only to receive that sort of adoration from others? No... we shouldn't rely on human emotion to make who we are in this world. We have to be who we are, no matter if we're ditch diggers, multi million dollar musicians, homemakers, parents, or anything else. To be all we can for the life we're given is what counts. Do all you can in the place you've been established. Life isn't about the accolades. It won't be on our tombstones... it won't be what people remember. Our legacy will reflect who we are to one another.
today I write
Today I figured that, I can write fairly well, so why not try here? I probably won't be one who is faithful to this venture, but it's worth trying, and I like to express myself in word better than in voice.
I've been unemployed for almost a year now. July 13, 2010 was a day I'll never forget. I never in my wildest imagination thought I'd be fired from a Christian institution, but guess what... I was. I've grown since then. I've become more since then. I've become better since then, in ways. I see the 20/20 version of my past from this year I've had to think, renew, and grow.
What I hope to express to people who happen upon this blog, is that, no matter what others may think of you, and no matter what you may find yourself thinking of yourself, you're more than that. You're so much more. I find myself dwelling in my own mind every day - thinking of what I could be, what I want to be and do, what life holds on a daily basis... A lot of time I'm alone daily. I have a great partner in life who has, praise the Lord, been able to keep us afloat, and in a way that we haven't struggled financially. I attribute that to the Lord. To my relationship with Him, and what He's promised me in this life. It's a blessing to be able to say that, and to live that. There are so many who can't say that. My life is supposed to be one of blessing others, leading them to the faith that I have, and hopefully being more to people than they've had before. It's tough to break out of my shell in that. I'm an antisocial introvert by nature, and a lot of days, I don't care about others. I'm within myself and within my own space/soul/life. I need to stretch myself and be more. There's a song that really speaks to me, called "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. It's really about me. Population Me. To me, breaking out of the norm and making a change scares the hell out of me. But, that's my job. I pray for the Lord to lead me to the ones I need to reach...
In any case, I have hopes and dreams that have been put on hold, dashed, misunderstood, and shut out. I've also had a year to realize that those things weren't right for me at the time. Time is what the Lord uses to bring us to a new place. To lead us in the path we were meant for, and to strengthen us so that we can be successful in the path He has for us. I want to be more than what I've been for the last year. I want to be SO much more. I know I will be, but not in my time. Time is a funny thing... it can heal, but it can also break down, crush, dismay, and cause us to be uncertain about who we are and what we're meant for.
So, in all of that, be encouraged. I have many people in my life, and some who aren't a part of my life daily who I know are on my side, pray for me, encourage me through thought and prayer, and who I can always count on to give me what I need when I need it. I pray for so many people - for them to have what they need on a daily basis... to not be so down that they can't see any light. I've learned a lot from the friends I have who have the same level of depression that I have - who have been suicidal, hospitalized, medicated, broken. They give me strength, knowing they know what I know on a day to day basis. I know I've made a difference in lives, and I thank God for that.
Give God a chance. He won't let you down. Be blessed. Look around you. If you were to toss the cross you bear into a pile with others' crosses, you'd realize that yours isn't so bad, and you'd pick it up again. Your cross is yours - no one else can bear what you do. No one else was made for what you've been made for, so be encouraged and step forward in faith, knowing that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Strength for today is all that's given... so don't spend time worrying about tomorrow. It'll have its own strength for you when you reach it. Don't be afraid. Take courage.
I've been unemployed for almost a year now. July 13, 2010 was a day I'll never forget. I never in my wildest imagination thought I'd be fired from a Christian institution, but guess what... I was. I've grown since then. I've become more since then. I've become better since then, in ways. I see the 20/20 version of my past from this year I've had to think, renew, and grow.
What I hope to express to people who happen upon this blog, is that, no matter what others may think of you, and no matter what you may find yourself thinking of yourself, you're more than that. You're so much more. I find myself dwelling in my own mind every day - thinking of what I could be, what I want to be and do, what life holds on a daily basis... A lot of time I'm alone daily. I have a great partner in life who has, praise the Lord, been able to keep us afloat, and in a way that we haven't struggled financially. I attribute that to the Lord. To my relationship with Him, and what He's promised me in this life. It's a blessing to be able to say that, and to live that. There are so many who can't say that. My life is supposed to be one of blessing others, leading them to the faith that I have, and hopefully being more to people than they've had before. It's tough to break out of my shell in that. I'm an antisocial introvert by nature, and a lot of days, I don't care about others. I'm within myself and within my own space/soul/life. I need to stretch myself and be more. There's a song that really speaks to me, called "My Own Little World" by Matthew West. It's really about me. Population Me. To me, breaking out of the norm and making a change scares the hell out of me. But, that's my job. I pray for the Lord to lead me to the ones I need to reach...
In any case, I have hopes and dreams that have been put on hold, dashed, misunderstood, and shut out. I've also had a year to realize that those things weren't right for me at the time. Time is what the Lord uses to bring us to a new place. To lead us in the path we were meant for, and to strengthen us so that we can be successful in the path He has for us. I want to be more than what I've been for the last year. I want to be SO much more. I know I will be, but not in my time. Time is a funny thing... it can heal, but it can also break down, crush, dismay, and cause us to be uncertain about who we are and what we're meant for.
So, in all of that, be encouraged. I have many people in my life, and some who aren't a part of my life daily who I know are on my side, pray for me, encourage me through thought and prayer, and who I can always count on to give me what I need when I need it. I pray for so many people - for them to have what they need on a daily basis... to not be so down that they can't see any light. I've learned a lot from the friends I have who have the same level of depression that I have - who have been suicidal, hospitalized, medicated, broken. They give me strength, knowing they know what I know on a day to day basis. I know I've made a difference in lives, and I thank God for that.
Give God a chance. He won't let you down. Be blessed. Look around you. If you were to toss the cross you bear into a pile with others' crosses, you'd realize that yours isn't so bad, and you'd pick it up again. Your cross is yours - no one else can bear what you do. No one else was made for what you've been made for, so be encouraged and step forward in faith, knowing that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Strength for today is all that's given... so don't spend time worrying about tomorrow. It'll have its own strength for you when you reach it. Don't be afraid. Take courage.
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