When I was a child, it never crossed my mind that I would ever be a "housewife"... mostly because I had dreams of becoming an artist, and had no intentions of having a family. I strove to be more, and got through college with high hopes. My dreams weren't all realized, even to this day. I struggled to find work that paid a living wage, and still do. I think, because of what I have under my belt, what I can do and what I can't, I've been left behind in a field of younger artists who have more skill in the areas that I never wanted to get into. Now, companies all want people like me who can "do it all" - who can create websites, maintain social media platforms, as well as create quality designs for print. I realize now, as I've been doing this for 20+ years, that print is indeed a dying art form. I also have lagged in my interest and fortitude in the latest and greatest ways for companies to be seen and heard. I am what they may call a dinosaur in the industry... and that hurts my soul.
I can say that, since I lost my full time job, I have gotten lost in the sea of designers and all that it takes to be a good one. I can say I'm good at what I do, but that doesn't go nearly as far as it used to. I've started doing logos, and have been somewhat successful in the things I've created, but that's not enough. I would love to be on top of my game, and in demand. I am so not in demand. I thought in October that I had several new leads and projects that would sustain me for a while, but things get in the way. Things have been "put on hold" more than once... I've been duped by a church who said they wanted me to do their weekly work. No work from them in nearly a year. It happens. I'm not the only one... I know it. It doesn't sting any less because I'm not alone.
My partner in life has been one of the biggest inspirations to me - he works so hard, and has gained so much ground in his field. He's in demand - his company sees him as a very valuable asset. I admire that, and I want that for myself... I envy him, and sometimes that's not a good thing. He's successful - bright - inspired - wise - and thoughtful. He can massage clients and business people like nobody else I know. He's got a gift... and I'm so proud of him. So proud, and so jealous...
What does the Lord have for me? I sit and wait. This doesn't feel good - sitting. And waiting. I want to be more. I'm the keeper of the house. The caretaker of issues, troubles and needs. I work hard when I can, painting, filling, sanding, scraping, decorating, loving and caring for what I live in and live around. I can't ask for more in life - I'm blessed, really. But there are days, like today, where I wonder if I wasn't meant for something more. I didn't want to be a ditch digger in this life, but the Lord leads, and He is the one who opens and closes the doors. I've knocked on so many doors, hoping they'd open... only to be turned away. It stings... I won't lie.
Maybe I'm made for "artistic" things, like "etsy" - I have friends who are making strides on that site. Mom wants to work together selling goods she finds for cheap on ebay. I can do that. I just feel as though it's what I WANT to do. I'm conflicted.
Please pray for me as I struggle through who I am and what I'm worth. I covet your prayers.
No comments:
Post a Comment