I have a terrible time trying to see myself as worthy of much of anything. I have a head full of ugly about myself, especially since I was fired from my job almost 5 years ago. I have gone through several therapy sessions and therapists in order to maintain a minimum level of self worth.
Lately I have been struggling quite a bit from anxiety that keeps me from leaving the house. I have a friend who struggles with the same thing, but she's far away, and she rarely gets online to converse with me. It's hard to be alone in your loneliest times. My husband travels quite a bit, and he does his best to encourage me, but I'm still in the midst of a very real battle.
Recently I went an hour and a half away to visit my uncle at his lake cottage. The morning of, I had panic attacks about leaving. I've dealt with leaving the house quite a bit in the last several months. It takes all I have to get myself out the door. I don't know why this has progressed so significantly in the last 4 months, but it has. I have 2 trips this summer for very important familial events, and I can NOT miss them. It takes more than what I have internally to accomplish these things, and as of this weekend, I was a wreck internally while I was away. My family understands, but honestly I don't.
I'm going back to my psychiatrist this Tuesday and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I wasn't sure it would be covered by insurance, and if it wasn't, I was sure I would forfeit going. I'm stingy and frugal as the day is long, and moving forward in help for my issues has been a lot of anxiety in itself in the last few years. It's expensive to be seen by a professional, and I feel badly for people like me who cannot afford going. It's important to my positive life, but like me, a lot of us forfeit it because it "isn't necessary."
There are parts of life that I absolutely revel in. I honestly take the most pleasure out of helping my friend through their troubles - be it monetarily, spiritually, emotionally, or other... Their lives are more important to me than my own. I give my gifts, my love, my abilities to my friends because it means so much to me to give. I hope they are as blessed as I am with my gifts.
Pray for me. Honestly. I struggle with life's most simple moments. I am alone a lot. I covet that, yet at times I loathe it. Mental illness is a real bitch, and I'm the poster child of that. Please keep us all in mind when you think of people and their struggles. It's so valid, and so needed. It's an unseen reality that most of us struggle with. Friends, family, social instances... we only want to be accepted and understood in the midst of what we deal with on a minute to minute basis. Thank you for being willing to pray and think for the mentally ill. We appreciate you!
