The Feather...

I was praying this morning, asking the Lord about the possibilities of applying to a job at Wegmans. Many people know that Wegmans is a great place to work, and has long been one of the places that I would love a chance to be a part of. That prayer was interrupted by a tiny feather floating down next to me. I had just said "I don't know, but You do. I just want to know what you want me to do."

That feather. A tiny downy fluff. It must have fallen from the chest of a bird passing through. That feather now is insignificant to that bird's life. It was a small part of it... and now is lost. No large consequence to the bird... just gone.

I felt as if that was what my career is to me now. No great consequence in its loss, just gone. It was a part of me, but now it's lost. It can't be put back into place, like the feather. It fell away, and now I'm left without it. A tiny part of me, now gone.

I'm not sure if I'm reading into what happened. I probably am, and people would scoff at the thoughts I have on such an insignificant occurrence. But somehow, when I ask the Lord things, He responds in ways and makes it known that He is in that response. He gives me wisdom and insight into the things He places in my path, and I know He's there.

A tiny lost feather. A tiny lost career. One part of a whole that once was, and is no more. Tears happened so often over these years of uncertainty. Even now. I feel as though I need to help my family by getting a "real job" but haven't had the capacity or mindfulness to do it. I went through so much rejection over 5 years, it seemed too daunting a task to continue on in the endless fight for significance. Just give me a chance! But no. It wasn't meant to be. Now, I'm at a point asking "why did you show me that position opening if I'm not to pursue it?" And then the feather.

I still don't know if I'll apply or not. I've been rejected by Wegmans and many others. Step out in faith they say... but the feather. Like I said, I probably put too much into that little fluff... who knows.

Pray for me... for my peace. For the answers I look for and can't find. I'll hold on to this little feather as a reminder of who God is, and who I am not, because He holds the answers...

The Silence of God

When something takes you off guard so far, your heart drops and your chest seizes. Every part of you wants to scream out to God... but the only bit of breath you have before you convulse into sobs can only press out "please..." And within that tiny plea, your every hope, every passion, every bit of shattered faith lays bare. 

He's made you this passionate person. He sees you break under the reality of what you see and know about the world... and he leaves you there. He watches, knowing He's created you to feel these things with every fiber of who you are... and He's silent. You realize He's still there... that he knows. But the emptiness of that moment only knows the vacancy of where you think He's supposed to step in and change things. Knowing He hasn't, and He won't change what makes your heart break... it takes me everything I have to believe, and to trust. And I fail. Ever single day. 

That. Right there. That's me. That's me often. Just wanted to write it out...