I deal with pride on a daily basis. I know it's there, but I will most often excuse my feelings to those of self sufficiency. There are many aspects of pride in my life and I know it's something that the Lord is working on with me.
Being alone in WNY is a challenge I haven't ever had to deal with in my life. I've always lived either at home, in an apartment that my mother owned, or in a home that my husband and I have purchased. 13 years of marriage has allowed me the contentment of knowing my husband and I are partners, and deal with life accordingly. This season of our lives is different. My husband isn't here. My family is, but I struggle with asking for help, even from them. I do ask, for the times when I'm away, for them to help me care for my home an pets. That has come as a fruitful blessing that never gets overlooked or denied. I'm so grateful for my family, and I would never take that for granted. My mother's help especially. She is always here for me, and present in any situation that I face. Who could ask for more? I'm blessed.
Right now I'm struggling a little. Our finances are being pressed with the realities of Ben's working outside of the USA. There should be accommodations for this, but as of now those accommodations are being pressed. It's something that Ben has struggled with during the month he's been working away from home. I know there will be a resolution, but during this "middle period" we continue to work with our savings to cover what we need.
Today there have been a few set backs, and I have considered asking my neighbors for help. I don't like doing that. I love giving, and not asking for others to give to me. Right now I'm facing something stupid and I shouldn't allow it to overwhelm me. The reality in my mind is that I have 2 more months of independence, and I'm facing having to ask for more help than I've ever asked for before. My mower quit. The price tag for that seems frustratingly ridiculous. That, and I have other projects that need to be accomplished before the weather turns. My neighbors are great, but I have kept my distance in asking for their help as a result of my need for independence. Plus, they're not all too able to accomplish my requests. I hesitate to ask, knowing this...
The Lord knows my every moment. He knows what I need, and knows what I'm facing. Those things are a blessing, and a relief to me going through this season. I know I will be successful during this time alone, but facing it daily can be staggering. I may be blowing my situation out of proportion, but in my reality, being alone and having to accomplish things without help has been something I have needed to reconsider.
I don't like to put people in a position where they feel the need to say yes, but have the mentality of wanting to say no. I live in that place every day, and I don't like putting upon my friends and family. I needed to just say that, and clarify that although I'm very independent, I am also in a place of need. Socialization, small incidentals, big situations, it doesn't matter. I'm finding a new place in my life where being alone isn't the best option. Options... they're multiple and can be fruitful. Options allow for others to help people in need. Be it as small and seemingly insignificant as borrowing a lawn mower, or as big as facing a tragedy. Alone is nowhere to be during your times of need. Reach out to those who love you. I think you'd be surprised as to the amount of love and giving your friends and family will have for you. Being a blessing is an option.
Thanks for listening... I'm going to take my lawn mower to the shop tomorrow and hope to ask my neighbor(s) for help during the time I don't have it. Pray for me as I face being alone and being willing to ask for help! It's tough! :)
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