Tuesday, December 16, 2014

When Life Isn't What You Thought It Would Be...

When I was a child, it never crossed my mind that I would ever be a "housewife"... mostly because I had dreams of becoming an artist, and had no intentions of having a family. I strove to be more, and got through college with high hopes. My dreams weren't all realized, even to this day. I struggled to find work that paid a living wage, and still do. I think, because of what I have under my belt, what I can do and what I can't, I've been left behind in a field of younger artists who have more skill in the areas that I never wanted to get into. Now, companies all want people like me who can "do it all" - who can create websites, maintain social media platforms, as well as create quality designs for print. I realize now, as I've been doing this for 20+ years, that print is indeed a dying art form. I also have lagged in my interest and fortitude in the latest and greatest ways for companies to be seen and heard. I am what they may call a dinosaur in the industry... and that hurts my soul.

I can say that, since I lost my full time job, I have gotten lost in the sea of designers and all that it takes to be a good one. I can say I'm good at what I do, but that doesn't go nearly as far as it used to. I've started doing logos, and have been somewhat successful in the things I've created, but that's not enough. I would love to be on top of my game, and in demand. I am so not in demand. I thought in October that I had several new leads and projects that would sustain me for a while, but things get in the way. Things have been "put on hold" more than once... I've been duped by a church who said they wanted me to do their weekly work. No work from them in nearly a year. It happens. I'm not the only one... I know it. It doesn't sting any less because I'm not alone.

My partner in life has been one of the biggest inspirations to me - he works so hard, and has gained so much ground in his field. He's in demand - his company sees him as a very valuable asset. I admire that, and I want that for myself... I envy him, and sometimes that's not a good thing. He's successful - bright - inspired - wise - and thoughtful. He can massage clients and business people like nobody else I know. He's got a gift... and I'm so proud of him. So proud, and so jealous...

What does the Lord have for me? I sit and wait. This doesn't feel good - sitting. And waiting. I want to be more. I'm the keeper of the house. The caretaker of issues, troubles and needs. I work hard when I can, painting, filling, sanding, scraping, decorating, loving and caring for what I live in and live around. I can't ask for more in life - I'm blessed, really. But there are days, like today, where I wonder if I wasn't meant for something more. I didn't want to be a ditch digger in this life, but the Lord leads, and He is the one who opens and closes the doors. I've knocked on so many doors, hoping they'd open... only to be turned away. It stings... I won't lie.

Maybe I'm made for "artistic" things, like "etsy" - I have friends who are making strides on that site. Mom wants to work together selling goods she finds for cheap on ebay. I can do that. I just feel as though it's what I WANT to do. I'm conflicted.

Please pray for me as I struggle through who I am and what I'm worth. I covet your prayers.

Monday, December 15, 2014

There's a time in my life - often - when I can't express what I have in my heart. I need to, in the midst of the days I live through. I want to express myself. I'm a right brained artist who feels compelled to tell the world - how ever small the world is that I impact - the feelings that embrace me on a daily basis. I pray before I write every time so that my words may be acceptable to God. I trust He is doing that now.

This time of year is difficult for mentally compromised people. People who live day in and day out with the struggle of believing that who they are matters in the world. We are a large community of individuals who unfortunately succumb to the realities of daily life in the struggle to be "normal." I know many of who I know and love see it in me, and I'm not so inclined to tell you that I'm okay with that. Hiding is a familiar situation to me. Hiding my feelings, even with the people who are closest to me, is essential. I can't impact them any more than I already have... I don't want to. But, the reality is, I feel so much more than you realize. Mental illness fluctuates with the tides. The hormonal issues of female victims, the daily lives of working full time for someone who doesn't know who we really are. Do you realize how many of us live daily striving for "normalcy" only to fall short day in and day out? The pressure of this is enormous, and I can't express it enough.

I'm loved. I go to parties, I go to friends' and families' homes for "socialization", but it's a chore.  Normal doesn't see the chore of existing in someone else's world - even for a short amount of time. I've been invited to parties and I just can't force myself to go. I have plenty of time on my hands, but yet my commitment to socialization is minimal because I cannot force myself to participate.

Holiday times are tough for us. We are invited to more parties and gatherings than "usual" and it's tough to marginalize what we can and cannot do. I've been forced into this life because of genetic make up. I'm not minimalizing it, but I have trouble year after year finding excuses to be social. I don't care enough. I don't want to enough. The Lord is my strength and yet I don't have enough to endure a social gathering where I don't know the people involved. I can't face even extended step-family events because I'm just too overcome with self doubt, self loathing, and utter despair.

As I grow older I find myself in this reality deeper and deeper. I see what my mother has become and I realize that, even though I fight it, I'm headed in the same direction. I often wonder if my father had not died, would my mother be the same person she is today... would she be as self absorbed and social inept? I wish sometimes that I knew the future for myself in this... but I cannot know. I can only base my life on the progress or inabilities of my earthly anchors - all of which is one... I am struggling...

What makes the holiday season that much more strenuous than the rest of the year for people like me? The issues of gathering? The giving and all that it realizes including the facts of monetary shortcomings or monitory scragginess?  I don't know... and I'm saddened by my facet in life. I want to be more - to give is so much to me - but at the same time - I don't have the personal income to support it. I struggle... and it's not just money... it's life. Life is hard, and grows more difficult during the holiday season.

Be aware of your friends and family and their shortcomings during this season of the year... it's important that people like me feel loved and accepted... even more than the rest of the year...


animal rights...

I try not to force feed my Facebook with my passion, but it happens daily. I mean, honestly, I wish my "people" would get it. I wish I had full support in my passion, and could love the people I have on line as much as I could. But, I can't. Many of us have allowed our lives to be consumed by animal cruelty like eating meat and buying leather goods and wool, silk, down, and the like. I'm an advocate, and not a sideline sitter. I wish I could be more of an influence, although I know I've had an impact on several people who are part of my "life". Please consider the lives you effect with your habits - either eating or buying or what have you. It's a big issue and if you look and SEE the effect that you have on these things, you may change your standing on the subject. I beg you... look.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

When You Just Can't Figure It Out...

Holidays are always tough for me. I end up stewing and feeling overwhelmed by anxiety from the beginning of November through January. My family is the majority of the issue. I have two of the 3 immediate family members who are bound with emotional chains that keep them from participating in holiday happenings. I try, every year... but so far in 2014 my family didn't get together for Thanksgiving, and all three of the three immediate family members forfeited a holiday meal because the gathering was too much for them. It makes my heart ache. I anticipate, with past experience, another lonely Christmas. Last year we had breakfast that lasted until dinner. That was great... but rare.

Yesterday I visited my brother at our childhood home, which he and my nephew occupy and care for. Well, care for is a stretch. My mom and step dad care for the property and buildings... my brother and nephew barely take the garbage out. All without paying anything to my mother for rent... Mom spent $20K of my stepdad's money this year to put a new roof on all the buildings, and a new septic system that was decades overdue. Things have started and stopped due to financial shortcomings. This is all happening while my brother refuses to work. Has not paid rent for 15 years. Neither my nephew. I have separated myself from the mix of enabling relationships. But, it does not separate my heart and mind from the issues at hand. The reality is in my face daily. As I stood in my childhood home, I noticed a lot of things. The landscape has not changed since my mother and I left. 15+ years of the same layout, aside from a newer couch in the middle of the dining room/living room space. The dog is new... but he doesn't help things. He would push open doors to the kitchen and bathroom and my brother, while we talked, continually had to move from one area to another in order to keep the doors shut. I guess it was either shame (unclean) or heat (heap). He has kept the same "live" Christmas tree up all year long, lit and dusty, since 2007. That in and of itself can provoke ideas of mental issues. He showed me a silver ornament that was mine as a child. I cried on the way home.

Why is it that dust and hoarding level junk all around doesn't effect him like it effects me? He invited me in without hesitation, but I see that as part of the mental health issues... why would you when you haven't cleaned the house in a decade? Why? What makes you live this way? You're more than this! You should require more of yourself... yet... all of that goes unsaid. I just can't get through no matter what is said. My mother either. We've given up hope for my brother on a lot of levels.

These things rattle around in my mind daily, especially this time of year. I can't change it, but it's still an issue in my heart, because he's my family. I've gone through therapy for all of this, and have learned to leave it alone. It's not my issue, and I can't control anyone but myself. Still, here I sit... in tears.

Please know that mental illness is a real thing that many of us cannot or will not overcome. Pray for my brother. He needs change. His life has been cathartic and suppressed living in our family home. I know he'll never leave unless forced, which is an entirely different issue I struggle with. It's real, and it hurts my soul...