There's a time in my life - often - when I can't express what I have in my heart. I need to, in the midst of the days I live through. I want to express myself. I'm a right brained artist who feels compelled to tell the world - how ever small the world is that I impact - the feelings that embrace me on a daily basis. I pray before I write every time so that my words may be acceptable to God. I trust He is doing that now.

This time of year is difficult for mentally compromised people. People who live day in and day out with the struggle of believing that who they are matters in the world. We are a large community of individuals who unfortunately succumb to the realities of daily life in the struggle to be "normal." I know many of who I know and love see it in me, and I'm not so inclined to tell you that I'm okay with that. Hiding is a familiar situation to me. Hiding my feelings, even with the people who are closest to me, is essential. I can't impact them any more than I already have... I don't want to. But, the reality is, I feel so much more than you realize. Mental illness fluctuates with the tides. The hormonal issues of female victims, the daily lives of working full time for someone who doesn't know who we really are. Do you realize how many of us live daily striving for "normalcy" only to fall short day in and day out? The pressure of this is enormous, and I can't express it enough.

I'm loved. I go to parties, I go to friends' and families' homes for "socialization", but it's a chore.  Normal doesn't see the chore of existing in someone else's world - even for a short amount of time. I've been invited to parties and I just can't force myself to go. I have plenty of time on my hands, but yet my commitment to socialization is minimal because I cannot force myself to participate.

Holiday times are tough for us. We are invited to more parties and gatherings than "usual" and it's tough to marginalize what we can and cannot do. I've been forced into this life because of genetic make up. I'm not minimalizing it, but I have trouble year after year finding excuses to be social. I don't care enough. I don't want to enough. The Lord is my strength and yet I don't have enough to endure a social gathering where I don't know the people involved. I can't face even extended step-family events because I'm just too overcome with self doubt, self loathing, and utter despair.

As I grow older I find myself in this reality deeper and deeper. I see what my mother has become and I realize that, even though I fight it, I'm headed in the same direction. I often wonder if my father had not died, would my mother be the same person she is today... would she be as self absorbed and social inept? I wish sometimes that I knew the future for myself in this... but I cannot know. I can only base my life on the progress or inabilities of my earthly anchors - all of which is one... I am struggling...

What makes the holiday season that much more strenuous than the rest of the year for people like me? The issues of gathering? The giving and all that it realizes including the facts of monetary shortcomings or monitory scragginess?  I don't know... and I'm saddened by my facet in life. I want to be more - to give is so much to me - but at the same time - I don't have the personal income to support it. I struggle... and it's not just money... it's life. Life is hard, and grows more difficult during the holiday season.

Be aware of your friends and family and their shortcomings during this season of the year... it's important that people like me feel loved and accepted... even more than the rest of the year...