Thursday, December 22, 2016

Christmas Time...

Christmas is supposed to be a joyful and happy time of year. I try my best to find ways to feel festive. One way is to listen to the Rat Pack's Christmas CD. It's on continuously in my car when I'm out and about. Unfortunately I'm not always in the car.

These last couple of Christmases have been plagued with loved ones passing. Last Christmas eve I lost my cat of 17 years. This year, it's my friend Scott Fleming. I can't say Scott and I were all that close, but we had some very intimate conversations about our depression. We shared the ugliness of sadness... Both of us struggled daily with the realities of mental shortcomings. We knew each other's struggle, and empathized.

This year I'm also saddened by family becoming more and more estranged. I don't like it, but I don't combat it all that well either. I'm a depressed, anxious, anti social hermit. It takes everything I have to swallow all my pills for the day, and ready myself for what I need to accomplish. It seems like a raging river has come between myself and my brother, where no bridge could possibly survive the waves. He hasn't come to me, but has gone to other family in order to decline my invitation to Christmas breakfast. Somehow I knew it would happen eventually, but you never want it to come to pass. This year, it has. This is a turning point in our lives. There are no threads left holding us together aside from the life of our mother. Without her, we would be as distant as any two people could possibly be. Where did I go wrong? What is it about me that he doesn't want to be around? We both have a strong faith base... but I suppose that's the only thing we have in common. I don't try, and he doesn't seem to want to try either. It's sad... I'm sad. I've done what I can do. From here, it's up to him to respond... or not.

Christmas sucks sometimes. We don't exchange gifts anymore... mainly because no one can afford to do it. We've stopped that years ago, but it still feels like a real void in the holiday season. Ben and I barely exchange anymore. We find more significant ways to spend our money. This year it was a bedroom suit and bedroom floor. It was a long time coming... but that leaves Christmas vacant and empty. I can't seem to get past these things. The lack in the season. My friends aren't available, friends dying unexpectedly, gifts are missing, people are missing. I'm not surprised in the least that this is the season that a lot of people decide to take their lives. It's very hard to forge ahead with the burdens of the year still plaguing us. People don't understand. People don't want to understand because it brings down the spirit of Christmas. Christ was born - He is our answer to all of these things, and yet... here I am.

I don't know why I need to write these things down. I probably won't share this, which means no one will read it. It sometimes helps to just get it off my chest and onto another plane. I don't mean to bring down the holiday spirit... I just can't carry it all the time. God be with you all this season and throughout the year.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

The Feather...

I was praying this morning, asking the Lord about the possibilities of applying to a job at Wegmans. Many people know that Wegmans is a great place to work, and has long been one of the places that I would love a chance to be a part of. That prayer was interrupted by a tiny feather floating down next to me. I had just said "I don't know, but You do. I just want to know what you want me to do."

That feather. A tiny downy fluff. It must have fallen from the chest of a bird passing through. That feather now is insignificant to that bird's life. It was a small part of it... and now is lost. No large consequence to the bird... just gone.

I felt as if that was what my career is to me now. No great consequence in its loss, just gone. It was a part of me, but now it's lost. It can't be put back into place, like the feather. It fell away, and now I'm left without it. A tiny part of me, now gone.

I'm not sure if I'm reading into what happened. I probably am, and people would scoff at the thoughts I have on such an insignificant occurrence. But somehow, when I ask the Lord things, He responds in ways and makes it known that He is in that response. He gives me wisdom and insight into the things He places in my path, and I know He's there.

A tiny lost feather. A tiny lost career. One part of a whole that once was, and is no more. Tears happened so often over these years of uncertainty. Even now. I feel as though I need to help my family by getting a "real job" but haven't had the capacity or mindfulness to do it. I went through so much rejection over 5 years, it seemed too daunting a task to continue on in the endless fight for significance. Just give me a chance! But no. It wasn't meant to be. Now, I'm at a point asking "why did you show me that position opening if I'm not to pursue it?" And then the feather.

I still don't know if I'll apply or not. I've been rejected by Wegmans and many others. Step out in faith they say... but the feather. Like I said, I probably put too much into that little fluff... who knows.

Pray for me... for my peace. For the answers I look for and can't find. I'll hold on to this little feather as a reminder of who God is, and who I am not, because He holds the answers...

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

The Silence of God

When something takes you off guard so far, your heart drops and your chest seizes. Every part of you wants to scream out to God... but the only bit of breath you have before you convulse into sobs can only press out "please..." And within that tiny plea, your every hope, every passion, every bit of shattered faith lays bare. 

He's made you this passionate person. He sees you break under the reality of what you see and know about the world... and he leaves you there. He watches, knowing He's created you to feel these things with every fiber of who you are... and He's silent. You realize He's still there... that he knows. But the emptiness of that moment only knows the vacancy of where you think He's supposed to step in and change things. Knowing He hasn't, and He won't change what makes your heart break... it takes me everything I have to believe, and to trust. And I fail. Ever single day. 

That. Right there. That's me. That's me often. Just wanted to write it out...

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Ugly Me...

The depths of life are not lost on me. I dwell in the depths. The ugly... the lost... the dark. You don't know me, and no one on this earth knows quite the depths of where I dwell and who I am in those depths.

Today I'm looking at the ugly, as usual. I often spend time looking into the deep current of sorrow. My comfort zone isn't the euphoric and joyous life that the Lord promises. He sees me, and He sees what I see. He sees so much more... I often find myself staggering at the thought of all that the Lord sees that is wrong with this earth and this people He's made. One of my friends who is very heady and bright told me that, if I knew and felt all the depressed and depravation of this earth, it would kill me. I have no doubt.

Precious fathers... dying. Blessed pets... put down and passing away. People struggling with the deaths of parents who have passed months if not years before. There's no end to the sorrow, and I wonder when the Lord will elevate our struggling and come home for us. I wonder every damn day. This world is so corrupt, so broken, so ugly. People don't see the deepest realms of the ugliness... only the things that suit them to see. They're a part of the ugly, perhaps unknowing the depths of what they've done. What they support... what they hold dear. I see so much that isn't what the Lord wanted for us. My mind divides the things I see into what man has created, and what the Lord wanted for us. The divide is as deep and wide as anything imaginable. There are no correlations between what we know and what the Lord wanted for us. None.

I have no expectation of what this blog will bring to you, or to whoever sees it. It, as always, is just me putting down what my mind and heart is struggling with. I struggle so much every day. It keeps me from enjoying any possible joy I find in this awful world. I pray and ask for prayer for people and animals who I know have been lost, put down, faded, escaped this world. I can't help but envy those souls. I pray for the souls, not for the being. All beings have a soul, and I pray for those... including trees. I may very well be more inclined to be part of the Native American standards of belief, instead of Christianity. The things that I find that have altered God's word throughout history makes me think that the Bible I know may very well be only subject to Humanity. Subjected to King James' efforts to change the texts into what he thought was right. I struggle with what people have done to my faith. I'm frustrated with what I see, and what I read, and what I'm unsure the Lord wants me to see. It only adds to my insecurity of what we read, and what He has promised.

I shared something with my friend today that I thought was inspired, but could be turned into something completely different by a mind not softened to Christ's word. I struggle with even sharing what I see in the Word.

I missed an opportunity at my church to help them with graphic design when what I had posted on my Facebook cover photo said "I Hate People". Well, it's not false. I do hate people. A lot. Every day. But I know that's not what the Lord wants of me. This man, a pastor at my church, turned me down because of that. I could have been something more to my church, which I've been a part of for over 25 years. I feel badly about that, but honestly, if that pastor doesn't know the reality of this life on the "common folk" then there's no need for me to pursue it any further. My God realizes my flaws and my shortcomings... maybe I'm not who they need for the issues he reached out for. Maybe it would have just been a hassle for me. I don't know, but I know that how I truly feel was so far from what he thought was acceptable that he couldn't even write me back. Such is life. I'm okay with that.

What you get out of this is your own. I could pray for you, give to you my money and heart, or whatever I can... but reading it is far from accepting it. Be mindful of who you are to others, and to what you may or may not be able to give to others who need you. Love. Just Love.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Irrelevancy

I sometimes reflect back on when I was relevant. Honestly I probably do it daily... To become someone who has no purpose in life on a daily basis outside of the home is staggeringly brutal. I've struggled with it for 6 years now, come July 13. It takes its toll on you. Being a mom might have saved me from the many hours of uncertainty, insignificance, and self loathing. But... that was never a ship I wanted to sail on. So, instead I'm facing daily issues of irrelevance.

When I look back at the things I used to do every work day - handling most of the concerns of my office, my crew, my leadership... and looking at what I handle today, I wonder why I can't do more in a day than I do. I've become a poster child for ADHD... of depression and anxiety... of failure. I haven't looked for a job in a year. I honestly don't think I could be a full time employee at this point. I'm damaged goods, to say the least. And my self worth and self confidence has gotten to an all time low. My pitiful life contains finding "wins" in cleaning the cat boxes and sweeping the floors. Mopping? No. Watching aimless television... yes.

If I reach out and try to find a job, the work that I've done in the past is now irrelevant. I look at Ben's work and how its evolved, and wonder if I would have been able to hack the industry I put myself in 20 years ago. Honestly I don't think I could even walk in the rat race. It's a brutal reality. I hate the choices I've made. I wish I could go back some days, but honestly to go back would be too taxing to my fragile mind at this point. Why am I so broken?! Why did God make me this way? I blame Him. He holds me in His hands. He created me in my mother's womb. He knows the plans He has for me... all that. Some days it doesn't hold true in my mind.

I wonder why people who make due on social services get so much more gratification out of life than I do. Maybe they like the reality of having to do nothing to get paid. Maybe they feel justified when they COULD work, and they COULD make a lot of money, but because they've found this loop hole, they don't have to put out that effort. That's so weak and wrong.

I base my success on my income - always have. I guess that's bad. It doesn't matter to me if I get all the accolades in the world. If the money doesn't come in from all of that, it's all worthless. Honestly it is. It's like, what do words get me? What does someone's appreciation of my work or what I've done really mean? Nothing. Words are so fleeting and worthless. Good words and bad. They have the same weight - none.

So don't take your work for granted. Don't take your life for granted. You earn your way through life and that's valid. To float through life on someone else's dime - that's weak and wrong. Do your best. You'll have so much more self respect.


Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The World Today...

Our world has become much more individualized as the years have progressed. We are focusing energies on things that were not looked upon as necessary in years past. Things like the autism spectrum, transgender needs and requirements, depression and anxiety, to name a few.

I find myself focusing energy on praying for the small. All species matter to me, and I often pray for each and every carcass I see on the road; each song bird I hear that seems to cry out without relenting; each issue that plagues our society. I find myself in prayer almost constantly. I know that this is a good thing in my faith, but it can be exhausting. What moves you? What brings you into the realm of causing change? Who are you to the passions your heart holds? Who are you to the things that move you? What will you be willing to do for the causes you find worthy? Will you move? Spend money to support? Take up a chalice in order to fight for what's right in your eyes?

We have built our intelligence to the point of no return. People can be found, thoughts and issues that are posted online can be looked at and scrutinized. Freedoms can and are being thwarted because of the things we hold dear. People often exacerbate the issues that we've recently come to see as valid and unnerving. People. We are our own worst enemy. Our words... thoughts... perspectives. Each of us have a voice, and our sacred nation allows for each of us the ability to speak to those things. Our passions, preferences, beliefs... This is a nation unlike any other, and I'm grateful to be an American.

However. What we have on our hands is a new and deadly reality. The things we say and believe in, though valid and valuable, have merit in each and every word we say. Nothing can be taken back. Nothing goes without someone's notice. We say it, and therefore, we are that statement. We hold it, and we own it. Be prepared to stand for the things you say and believe, because without a backbone, your words have only a potentially ugly outcome in other's eyes.

Our world of people who sit in front of a computer screen and spout hate and evil have as much of a presence in our world as the people who post beauty and love. There's very little segregation between love and hate in our societies. One can protest the killing of a gorilla in his cage for the sake of a human child, and one can spew hate and anger over that precious gorilla's life that was snuffed out because of the neglect of a human parent. The endless killing of elephants and rhinoceroses who happen to have horns that other countries believe to be healing has no effect on the society who only believes that we are in the hear and now, and our lives only derive a human's needs and wants, no matter what the cost.

Be mindful of who you are in your community and in our world. We only have one planet. We only have one chance. People may think that this planet will be self sustaining for thousands of years to come are only fooling themselves into believing what the governments want us to believe. We are a dying breed. We are a dying universe. No matter what you think you know, you're probably wrong. Look it up. Google is a powerful resource for information. Truth will trump lies every time.

No matter what you believe is the answer, it's probably only a band aid. What you do each day in this world effects this world for ever more. Be present. Be responsible... it's our duty. God didn't intend this world to last forever... but we as people of Christ WILL last, and will see the end and a new beginning. You may not believe, but if you don't, your choice is your own. There's no bad reason to believe in Christ... what have you got to lose?!

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Always The Same Story...

I can't face the world without preparing myself for days in advance. It's become a heavy burden to deal with the world outside my home. When I'm met within my own space, my anxiety heightens dramatically. I've faced house guests in the last few weeks that has put my emotional stability into a whirlwind state. Two weeks housing Ben's parents was such a toll on me. Then, we hired a contractor to refinish our two decks. Having people here at 7:30 am was a challenge. It doesn't matter that they didn't care about what our home looked like. I didn't vacuum... I didn't clean. It wasn't a priority. My priority was facing the day with people in it, and getting through that day. What's wrong with me?!

What's wrong with me is that I'm dependent on anti depressants and anti anxiety medications to help me cope with daily life. Leaving the house... going to the store... facing people. It takes everything I have sometimes. It was worse when they thought I was ADHD. Those meds crushed me. My anxiety was at 200%. Facing friends and family took two days in order for me to ready myself for those encounters. Now, I'm back to where I was. Sad... depressed... anxious. My mind races... telling me all that I need to overthink. Screaming at me all of the doubts and shortcomings I have to face every day. It's exhausting. No meds so far have touched a place in me where I feel relief. Monday I see my therapist once again... what will this meeting bring forward? It's a never ending battle.

I've tried so many different drugs and therapies... my therapist shakes her head wondering what she could possibly try next. How would you feel when your only hope in this world shakes her head at you? It's disheartening... degrading... dehumanizing. It's not worth the fight some days, honestly.

I'm a faith based person, but I know that, if I was MORE of a faith based person, the Lord may help me further my healing. That being said, I sit in wonder... what is not in me that the Lord needs in order to heal me? Why do I continually struggle, only to face more struggle again? I know the Lord is all powerful, and could heal me with the blink of His eyes. He doesn't. He hasn't. My prayers fall on deaf ears. It must be within me to find the answers... but what are the answers? I pray about all sorts of things that the Lord doesn't answer prayer to. Every. Single. Day. Prayer...nothing. Pleading... nothing. Begging... NOTHING. I'm alone in my despair, yet... I'm not alone.

Life is an endless burden of all kinds of awful things. I tire of waking up every day. To what end? Why? What can I offer? And friends? Family? Where are you? What can you offer in regard to healing words? Comfort? Understanding? I'm alone, and it's so very apparent. Thanks. Thanks to all people, God, humankind, and supernatural kind... Thanks for being so very relevant. I appreciate the absence of any and all answers, thoughts, kindness, understanding, love, and change.

Don't read that to be any more than you yourself can offer... it wasn't meant to be all encompassing... only all. Fuck this. I hate you.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Daily Struggle...

I often write about my struggle with mental health shortcomings. It's a big part of what I deal with on a daily basis. Some days it's the only thing I deal with - like today.

I spent an hour talking to a friend today who knows the realities of depression and anxiety. She's found an answer for her issues, but as we shared, it was clear, I hadn't found the answer to my own. She spoke to me in care and concern... and we shared. It's not often that I open myself to talking about where I am in my own mind, but she's a safe place I can rely on. She knows where I am, because she's been there too. I don't know fully if my own mom has been as low as I've been, but I rarely scratch at the surface of where my mother is, because I know she deals with enough on her own. She has other health issues that have taken the front seat of her worry. I can't press her with my own troubles anymore. She's older, and dealing with what I hear (in the midst of her words) are her "end of life" issues that she's facing. This reality in and of itself is something I can't face in the place I'm at right now. Losing my mother would be the death of me. Know that.

Mental issues are like feathers to me. A bird has several types and layers of feathers that cover their bodies. Some are fluffy and soft... some are corse and dense. They have layers of coverings that keep the weather from being an issue to their small bodies. It's the same with me. I have layers of mental health that cover me. I have soft fluffy parts, and course dense parts as well. I don't deal well with the dense parts, and often cry when the fluffy parts are laid bear. I don't show my fluffy parts to many people... but there are those, like today, who see them no matter how hard I try to hide them. Being with someone who knows your struggles makes it hard to hide your inner turmoil. I cried quite a bit today with my friend. My friend, by the way, who is facing a second bout with breast cancer, and a double mastectomy next week. It would seem to the normal mind that that person isn't who you need to bear your soul to, but she had other plans. She asked. I cried. She knew.

I sometimes believe that these blog posts will serve others after I'm gone... to show the world that mental illness is a bigger reality than is publicly realized, or commonly known. It's true, we hide it when we can. It's a sad thing to us who go each day, facing a new challenge of finding peace and trying to feel normal.

My reality includes drinking alcohol on a regular basis. It calms the mind and keeps the bad thoughts at bay at times. I know it's bad, and that it isn't helping me in the long term... but it helps me in the now. I know I have an addictive personality, and that drinking is a bad idea for me... but there are moments when I just want it all to end. I want to leave this ugly world, and move on to the blessings of my heavenly promise. I can imagine, with the people who read this, that it's a known reality that this world is too broken and depraved to bring joy in a lot of people. I try... you can't imagine how hard I try. It's exhausting. It's a daily battle. I'm so tired of the battle... it's beyond words for me right now.

There is so much inside my words, I can't expect people to know the real depth of my struggle. It helps for me to write it down... to get it off my chest and out into the unknown. Maybe these words will help someone I don't even know. Right now I don't care... I can't care. Life is too much.

I know friends who have lost people to suicide, and I feel so sorry for them. They don't fully understand where we are as mentally ill people. They can't. No one knows you except you. No matter how much help you get - and believe me, I've gotten a lot of help... you can't realize the pain and struggle if you're not inside my head. Yes suicide is very selfish, but there are points in our reality where we can't see a way out. We fight so hard... but it's as if life just squeezes the life out of us. Sadness. Confusion. Anxiety. Worry. Self loathing. It doesn't end... It. Never. Ends. Morning, noon and night... it's a constant struggle. You can't imagine how hard some days get. You should praise your God in keeping you from this terrible life.

I know my God wants the best for me. He wants to prosper me, and not to harm me. He wants to bless me. He would never put anything on me that I can't handle with His help. I realize this, but words are so easy to say. Feelings are so hard to overcome. You just don't know if you're not who we are. I don't want to short sight the deaf or blind, but it's like a broken part of us that we can't overcome. I can't find my way beyond it. There's no help that works for me. 25 years now... it's endless and so very exhausting.

Please keep us in prayer. Mental health is a struggle that's real, and often avoided by modern medical experts. It's a trial and error issue where medicines are tried, only to be realized as a detriment or not a help. We continue on, month after month... year after year. We hope to find the answers, but some of us never do. My friend today has found her answer in a medicine that wasn't right for me. It's a daily struggle.

Thank you for prayer.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Remembering Childhood...

Isn't it nice to sit and think on all the good parts of your childhood? I was just being quiet, thinking about some of my favorite childhood memories. My brother and me, playing together as young children... batman and robin! I was always Robin... we had a little red plastic phone that we would pretend to get important calls for help on, and go shooting through the house, saving the day. Or in the summertime when we would go out back to the little creek that ran through the neighborhood, wading in the water, picking up tadpoles and leeches! And being out in the warm air with our mom, helping her pick the wild blackberries that grew at the fence line... then having them for dessert that night with milk and sugar.

And when we came to Albion to live, and the friendships I had, and still have! One of my friends and my favorite memory was friday nights after school, when I would bring a friend home on the bus after school and they would play and stay for home made pizza and chocolate chip cookies that my mother always made for us. Every other Friday was mine. Matt had the other Fridays... It was something I always looked forward to. I can imagine as I'm older now, my mother probably didn't look forward to those Fridays as we did! She did all of the work!

Summertime at the homestead was always fun too... mom would allow our "neighborhood kids" (our neighborhood was MILES WIDE, because we lived out in the country) to come over to play outside. We would go "down the laneway" where the farmers would drive their tractors in and out to plow, plant and harvest the corn fields that surrounded our house. We would ride bikes, play in the muck, find the tadpoles in the deep ruts that the tractors left. We would play with my brother and his friends, but they played rougher. There was a huge hill of untilled dirt where the Canadian geese nested, and where we would climb and get scratched up and filthy... good times!

I know I had a good childhood. I think back and remember that I always felt safe. I was always surrounded by love. We had a roof over our heads, food on the table, a stable family life. We had church and most of my parents' friends were from church. They didn't socialize much, but those were their friends - good friends. Quality friends. We didn't have everything. Looking back, I know that my parents struggled financially. The things I remember mom making for dinner proved that in years past. Hamburger bread: hamburger spread on white bread triangles, baked in the oven. Hot dogs and peppers in sauce: Green peppers, hot dogs, and Ragu. On pay days (Fridays) my dad would bring home a big loaf of Italian bread, a 1 pound block of real butter, and a jar of pepperochini. He loved those things! That was his splurge. If dinner wasn't enough for him, I remember him always having a piece of white bread with peanut butter to satisfy his lingering hunger. We didn't eat well, but we did... We were healthy and happy. That was enough.

We weren't scared of the world back then. We didn't have to jump through hoops to get our friends on our bus to come home with us. We didn't worry about predators lurking around waiting for us to be alone. There was none of that... we stayed outside until dark every night... no worries. It was a time to revel in... a time I wish we still had in this country.

Take time to sit and think about all the lovely memories you have of your childhood. It helps bring your spirits up. It did mine... :)

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

What Makes a Girl...

I don't care about fake nails, matching undergarments, perfect make up or hair... I'm a girl, but as I grow older, I fail to find satisfaction in perfection in any of those things. My mother has always been a woman who tries the very latest mascara, the best face lotions, or the latest nail polish colors. I find those things wearying. I get all of my mother's "cast offs" - those products that may have cost a fortune, but that didn't live up to the hype or my mother's expectations.

What makes a girl? I harken back to the day when, in the 50s or so - there were articles and books written about what it means or what it takes to be a good girl, or good wife. PFFFT! Those are hilarious and often are shared on social networks as fodder for laughter from today's woman. "Make your husband feel comfortable after his day at work" or "bring your man a drink and his slippers after he gets home." "Make sure you're your best when your man gets home - freshen your make up and hair to be sure you look your best." HA! I'm in sweatpants, slippers, and my hair knotted at the top of my head by the time he gets here. It's silly to think that these things make and break a marriage.

I don't, myself, trust in the bullshit that is spewed from the various women's magazines in today's world. Most of them at this point just highlight celebrities and what they're wearing, doing, saying, believing. It's ridiculous. I don't take part in these magazines or any other garbage spewed by the media. What I do take into consideration, is my own views, my friends, and the results I can actually see (sans photoshop!).

What makes a girl isn't the constant, ever present selfies on Facebook that I get SO VERY TIRED OF SEEING! I mean seriously... you're 45. Stop. You aren't going to wrangle a man based on the boob shots you post, no matter what you may believe. Good men don't get swayed by simple stupid selfies. Stop. It. Now. I'm one who sees true value in a person who believes in themselves, posts things that have substance, and show that substance in their daily lives. What do you show people that you can offer if all they see is stupid selfies, boob shots, drunken posts/photos, or the like? Be serious. You're an adult. Act like it.

Woman have needs that are more emotional than men. We need validation more... love more... feel more. We often express these needs via spoken word, or more subtle ways like being down in the mouth, not caring about our appearance, not reaching out to others. I speak from a different angle though, as a depressed person. I know the signs, but I also know the REAL ISSUES that come from being too down to accept any accolades. It's a line that men often don't see... they're simply not created that way most of the time. Don't turn your back on your man if he doesn't see your needs. It's up to you to articulate those needs, and demand them in order for you to be a healthy partner in life.

Just wanted to make those things clear. You're welcome.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Greater is He...

The last few days I've had a particular verse from the bible that has been on my heart. I've heard it several times when I start up my car for a journey, written on posts, and songs in my head. It's not something I focus on, but after a while, it started to be something often enough for me to write out.

"Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world." Greater... more powerful... more careful... God is in me. God shows me things I wouldn't normally see. I reached out to a distant friend last week after finding a yankee candle in my stock. It's her favorite scent, and I was reminded of her when I found it. I wrote to her, telling her what I'd found, and that I was thinking of her. It happened to be that that particular day was the year anniversary of her losing her best friend suddenly to a heart attack. She was my friend too... only 43. We've lost quite a few classmates in the last couple of years. My distant friend had been part of my life since high school, and was an employer of mine when I couldn't find work. She reached out, and gave me work. I was in need and she helped me. I couldn't ask for more from a friend. She was hurting that day... remembering the loss. She, like me, doesn't have a lot of close friends to rely on, and our friend that was lost was so important.

He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. We hear that often... it's a biblical promise. It's something we can rely on. God used me to relay that message to my hurting friend. God is greater than death, and wanted the promise of everlasting life to be reiterated to my friend in her time of sadness. That, and the fact that the following day was her deceased mother's birthday. She was in a low week, for sure. No one wants to feel the loss that comes from a parent passing, never mind a friend who has also left us. I believe God wanted to comfort my friend in her low point. I love being used in this way!

Being a conduit for the Lord is something I love in my faith. I know God is real, and that He holds us in His hands. There are days and times when we walk through darkness and feel alone, but He never leaves. It's our emotions that cloud His presence. Our own will that keeps us from focusing on Him and what He has for us. The days of a faith based person aren't promised to be easy... in fact they're said in the bible to be harder as a result of our faith. But, our end game is brighter. Our eternal joy is promised.

Greater is He! Be encouraged!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

A Few of My Favorite Things...

Today I'm reveling in the warm air outside, yesterday too. The clouds aren't hampering my mood, which is awesome. When the weather is good, my mood is so much better! Here are a few of the things I enjoy while the weather is good to us:

The deck on the back of the house. It's 20' up off the ground, so it's perfect for the cats to be able to go out and enjoy the weather. I spend so much time out there during the spring, summer, and fall. It's a tragedy when I have to bring the furniture back in for the winter. The warm air swirling around us, the indoor plants swaying in the breeze... it's magical. If only I was less lazy and could bother to bring out a chair for myself. I end up sitting on the deck floor, playing with the cats, enjoying the sunshine...

The smell of spring in the air. It's such a blessing to have a day or two in March to sit, close my eyes, and breathe in the warm air. It makes life so much easier to take. Life inside is tough in the winter. I get so down. I have a standing relationship with the local tanning salon that I tend to visit more often when the weather breaks. It gets worse, I think, when there are days like this, and then there are rainy, snowy, cold days to deal with. New York weather has always been volatile and it helps to have a way to get out of the dooms and glooms of the weather. I don't often go, as I age... I feel bad enough about how I look, so tanning sits in the back of my mind as a bad alternative. Spray tans... they have their place, but I've never been one to choose that over the sun or the "fake and bake".

Watching things bloom and grow. You can't beat the thrill you get when you see the lovely flowers that bloom in the spring. It's such a buzz to see the forsythia, the snow lilies... Crocuses... it makes us feel as though the death is soon over. I can't tell you how amazing it is to see growth in our yard. It's again, magical. No matter the wind, clouds, sun... those little perennials are sure to show up, and make a day that much more tolerable.

As for my work life, it's way more volatile than the plant life. It depends on me - my mood - my commitment. I've been blessed with talent in the art world, but one cannot be human without wishing for more in areas I haven't been blessed with. Most recently I've had many dreams about elephants. Being a savior, mostly. I love the feelings I have in the midst of those dreams. I wish for myself the life of saving elephants... being a part of sanctuaries... being relevant in these things. It's tough to avoid feeling irrelevant when your dreams bring it right back into focus. I will, based on the promises I've had in my prayer life, be relevant to the survival of elephants in our world. I trust the Lord in these things, because He brings me my dreams. He made me this way. He knows my heart, the heart that He placed in me when I was made. I have no doubt that my dreams will be seen in the reality of my life, be it here or in eternity.

Being alone. It's not something that I say often, and I end up dealing with being alone a lot more than I anticipated several years ago, but being on my own is something that I enjoy most of the time. There are days, mind you, that I wish I had someone else in the house, namely Ben, but his work keeps that from being a reality. It has become an effort for me to live alone a lot of the time, since over a year ago when he spent 4 months in London. Meanwhile, I've adapted. I enjoy the quiet time... the time with just the cats. It may be something a lot of you may see as negative, but there are points in time where its necessary. I enjoy the quiet, being able to be myself... being able to focus on me, and on my home and animals. It can be refreshing honestly. Instead of seeing my lonely days as a detriment, I find myself able to focus on what needs to be done around the house, and for myself and my animals. I mop (which I hate to do), sweep, dust, organize, decorate, and spend time with my cats. It's a way of life that not most of my friends deal with, but it helps me. I know the Lord has given me this life for a reason, and I focus on those reasons. Getting ahead of chores, being aware of the cats needs, being able to deal with the taxes, the things we need to keep. Cleaning the house in order to have guests. We don't often have house guests, but we will have  Ben's parents in April, and it helps for me to have the time I need to get things done. Order pillows... clean out the guest room, get a plumber here to fix the faucets... I'm sure other people may see these as quick and easy fixes, but these things take me a while to accomplish. Life gets in the way, and I'm grateful for the time I need to accomplish the things it takes to make my guests feel welcome and comfortable.

Revel in the beauty of the warm weather. Spend time outside, and enjoy the warm air across your face. Go barefoot! I love being barefoot on the deck, and outside when it's possible. It makes you feel like you're in touch with the world... like you're alive! Enjoy it! It's worth the time to spend outside. Take a breath, deep and refreshing! You will be made new!

Friday, February 19, 2016

What We Need...

What do we, as citizens of the greatest nation on earth, see ourselves in need of? Minimally it's what I have seen called "first world problems." Maximally, we have many people - citizens of our great nation - in need of just the basic necessities. I find myself thinking on these needs, especially in the winter months where life is that much more difficult and dangerous.

Most recently I've been in communication with my first cousin who I love dearly. She has established herself well in life. She's smart, wealthy (as it would seem to most people), and educated. She has recently decided to raise rabbits for meat. This disturbs me... deeply. I find myself in the midst of questioning why... knowing she had been a vegetarian for 8 years before this. I asked... she answered. It's something we are deciding to "agree to disagree" on. I don't see a need. Especially because we live in this great nation, and she has access to whatever she may want or need. Reverting back from vegetarianism has disturbed me, mostly because she was the only person in my family who had made that decision for herself. Now, she fishes... hunts with guns... and raises rabbits for meat. I'm not pleased and have found myself angry in the midst of that. But, I have to take a step back from it, realizing I'm in a minority in my beliefs. I've reached out... we don't see things the same way.

What do we need? What is it that our bodies require in this existence? We have a very privileged reality in this country. I realize that. I see the world issues... I pray for the world and its people and animals. Every. Single. Day. What I realize is that meat, and killing animals for fashion, sustenance, and everyday "necessities" is ridiculous. It always has been. We live by our taste buds... not our needs. That's why our nation is as obese as it is. That's the heart disease issue. That's the thing that could change every single person and their health. It's valid... and I see that now.

We are selfish... glutinous, greedy. We have become a nation of lazy ignorant people. We don't need to kill things in order to be healthy. We don't! It's fact. I hate that most of our nation still doesn't realize this...

What do we need... we need to be more evolved in our thinking. We need to see every creature that God has placed on this earth as what He initially intended. To benefit us in our daily lives, not by killing them, but by appreciating the beauty and creative love the Lord has provided us. We don't look at desert wastelands unless we choose it. We don't find ourselves in the midst of a gray, uninteresting existence because He provides us with the realities of beauty in this world. Why is the cardinal red? What could it possibly help that bird to be, aside from a beautiful creation? It can't hide it from predators... it is simply a beautiful reality that we have the privilege to see. Yes, some animals cannot see color, but there are many animals and birds in the world who have been blessed with beautiful colors that would not be able to hide themselves from predators.

Meanwhile, I struggle with my choices... my family's choices... the things I see and cannot affect. What we need is a far cry from what we consume. We are a nation of indulgences. We are a people who are used to luxury in the things we consume. I have found myself hating that reality... and trying to avoid it. It makes me feel better about what I am in this life when I move away from killing and harming animals for my own selfish gain.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Reason I'm Off Facebook

I realize most of my friends don't realize I'm off Facebook for the last 2 weeks, and this won't be published there, so it's a matter of people seeking my blog out, which is rare.

The reason I stepped away from social media for the most part is basically because I've been bombarded (some of which I have allowed by the things/people I've followed) has become too much for my mental health to be "good." I haven't been well in this realm for a number of months, and the reality is, I can't handle the things I'm passionate about. The animal rights groups and animal advocates - the petitions and posts about animal abuse... it's just more than I can bear as a broken individual.

I know I am in charge of what I see and hear about. I realize that what I am passionate about is ugly and hard to watch/see. It has become more of a burden on my psyche to see it on an hourly basis, and I stepped away because of my mental instability.

Very few people have noticed and reached out in other ways to ask how I am, what I'm doing, and why I stepped away. I realize that I'm just a small grain of sand in the workings of all of my friends and family's lives. It's okay... if nothing else it has allowed me a bit of peace and solitude that I don't often get. I can't say I'm bombarded by friends in any way... but I've felt a distance from the ugly that plagues the internet every day.

I miss sharing my feelings, and sharing my artwork on a daily basis. I miss getting the accolades I'm used to. Ben mentioned to me that he thought I broke away was because I wanted to see the people clamor for my presence, and reach out to me to see why I was missing in their lives. It's a reality that most of who I know haven't noticed. I'm not mad... maybe slightly disappointed. Who doesn't love attention? It's not who I am to revel in other's approval... but it's a way for me to feel relevant.

Right now I'm working on things for my artwork that don't require any outside intervention. It's mine, and it flows from my internal need to be creative. That alone doesn't seem to be enough to drive me in any direction. I've always had a hard time focusing on what I need for my own health, and what I do to gain that health. I'm broken, from the mind down. I've always had trouble caring about myself, and my physical and mental well being. The doctor recently indicated that, because of my familial tendencies, it isn't a matter of IF I'll become a diabetic, it's WHEN. That scares me. That, and I know in my mind that my heart isn't in the best shape. I sometimes fret over when my heart will tell me its had enough of my stupidity. You don't hear about people who have been vegetarian for 25 years as heart patients, but I believe mine is in route to becoming an issue.

Anyway... I have focused on my own health recently, and stopped focusing on the ugly and foolish parts of Facebook. I have a number of people on there who spew ugly - political garbage... animal abuse... you name it. I don't have enough positive from others. There are only one or two people in my life who are positive enough for me to glean from them a better perspective about life. Sad.

Don't cry for me Argentina. I'll be around. If you can't find me, send me a message here and I'll give you my phone number for texting or calls. Find good in the things you pay attention to.

Monday, January 25, 2016

15 years...

It's been quite a wild ride, being married. There's no manual that would ever be accurate enough to school any of us on what marriage should be... It's trial and error... maturity and wisdom. You don't just come up with wisdom and maturity overnight. I've always been glad that we were married later in our lives. I was 30... he was 25... it was the right time, and I'm glad we met and fell in love when we did.

Marriage is such a roller coaster sometimes. It's great, it's ugly, it's everything in between. Some days those categories happen all at once! I don't envy the young people in this regard, because they have no idea how to be themselves, let alone how to be part of a team. I recommend being at least 28 before you're married. That way, your debts from school are under your belt, your knowledge about how to survive as an independent are under your belt (hopefully), and you're well on your way to being a positive part of society. Young people who marry out of high school or straight out of college haven't got the time in as an individual to be part of a marriage. They're still learning... still growing into who they will become.

We all grow and change throughout life. I've changed over these last 15 years... significantly. I haven't liked who I've become, but have also reveled in what I've gained wisdom and discernment in. The highs and lows always bring wisdom, no matter how high or how low. Being a part of a team brings an aspect of life I hadn't experienced before, since I'd never been part of sports in school. I can say that I've learned more about life from Ben than from any other person beside my mother... and it's been a valuable part of our life together. I think Ben gets a lot out of experiencing life with me as well. I hope so, anyway! We compliment one another. We work hard to fight for each other, in the midst of us giving up on ourselves. Me especially. Ben never gives up - he's a force. He has taught me the value of perspective... The value of perseverance... The value of always seeing yourself as valuable. Those are things I've never seen in myself. I've learned the value of hard work. Ben works very hard, and has brought himself into a new level of success recently. I'm so proud of him. He teaches me every day. I listen to him talk during his conference calls, and he has a way of massaging people to his way of thinking. He's bright, clever, creative, thoughtful, and beautiful. He represents who I've wanted to be all my life.

15 years... it's hard to wrap my head around it. I've changed so much in these years. I've gone through so much in these years. I've struggled so much in these years. I'm a different person, but Ben loves me more today than ever before. Who could ask for more? I've learned a lot in this time... how to love more carefully, not just out of my own mind. I've learned to listen more carefully, so I hear his side and take it seriously. I've also learned about who I am in Christ, and who I can be. I've been a sloth in my faith for quite a while, and sometimes all it takes is a single sermon to bring you back to the place where you want to seek out God more, and want Him in your life more. I can't say I'm a person who keeps things like this in focus - far from it; but I can say that with age comes wisdom, and I'm seeing the value of focusing on my God more and more every day.

Marriage is nothing to take for granted. God ordained it to be a serious part of our adult lives. I have always taken marriage seriously, aside from my failures in the process. Ben has always taken our life seriously, and has been a man who any other man should take lessons from. Faithful, thoughtful, loving, caring, believing... giving, generous, and everything else.

You'd be blessed to have a man like mine. I know I'm blessed! Looking forward to the next 15!

Monday, January 11, 2016

Remembering...

I think about my dad every day... it's been 25 years, but it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I wish I could have his input in my life. I often wish that even though he struggled terribly for 7 months, that somehow he was still here to talk to. It's sad that I long to talk with my dad more than I long to talk with Jesus. It's my soul to want to be who Jesus intended me to be, but the remembering creeps in like a a smoke clouding who I need to focus on.

Being older is tough for some of us... Being a different person in our lives changes our perspective and keeps us wondering about if we are who we're supposed to be. Youth is a blessed cloud over the realities of age. Youth keeps us from focusing on the mortality of life. I found that, as a 19 year old, youth was forever a distant memory. My focus was on death, and the reality of what death brings us in this futile effort we call life.

When I think on who I'm supposed to be, I don't focus on Jesus unfortunately. I should, and I'm striving to do that - every day - for many years. Focus is difficult in the mind of an emotionally disabled person. We dwell on the negative, and rarely see the positive in difficult circumstance.

If my dad was still here, I wonder if he'd be proud. I doubt it, in all honesty. If my brother was to read this, he would negate it, but the truth of the matter is, my dad would have been a force for us to follow. He was a strong man. He did what needed to be done. He was brave, honest, and hard working. He dealt with the weather as a telephone repair man, and never backed off of a difficult day. He plowed snow to get extra income for us. He worked hard. He wasn't one to pass up hard work for a desk job. He wanted to be working - in the elements or otherwise. He lived his life in a way that is foreign to us today. I love him for teaching us the value of hard work and perseverance. He will always be a strong reminder of what love and discipline means to me.

Who am I without my dad? It's hard to know. Failure to try is an issue each of us in my family has. It's due to being enabled by my mother. We continuously lean on her for help, and I'm disgusted with who my brother and I have become because of it. My nephew as well. Enabling only gets you a compromised, weak individual who cannot help themselves. Enabling is a curse, in my opinion.

My dad would have stood for hard work, honesty, loyalty, and for Christ. His life mattered... even for the few of us who had privilege to know him. When I die, I hope to fill the church with people who knew me, and who could say "I was changed by her", "I was made a better person for knowing her", and "I will carry her memory on and build on what she tried to establish."

My dad, and Jesus... they are my guides. My earthly guide, and my spiritual guide. My mother plays a very big part of who I am now, and who I strive to be. She can't be negated in this post. She is who keeps me alive. She, and her unbroken belief. Her strength, her continual fight for us. What more can anyone ask for? I live because she lives. I live in Christ because that's what I know. I can't negate Jesus in any of who I am, because He allows me the peace and comfort that no one else can bring.


Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Changing "My Normal"...

What IS "normal?" It seems to me that everyone has their own interpretation of the word, and those interpretations are widely varied and personal. Normal is relative, to say the least.

When you're a person who deals with needing to be medicated in order to survive, normal is something you constantly long for. It's a reality that often we don't succeed at. Normal for me lately has become what I "used to feel" and has eluded me for months. Medicine is a powerful tool in our lives, and I don't take it lightly. My need for medical help in the realm of feeling normal is a constant, and is always in flux as of today. My therapist thought ADHD medications might help me, but ended up throwing me into an entirely different state of being. One, by the way, which ended up being completely wrong for me. Struggling with medicines and their side effects is exhausting... I'm sure for my therapist as well.

Normal. Feeling like everyone else. Feeling as though I can "blend in" or feel a way that would keep me from feeling like an outsider. I've tried... for decades. I can put on a front like the best of them. I can act normal... but like I said, it's exhausting. I end up needing "down time" from being with people. Even close family and friends takes its toll. My being is one of solitude a lot of the time. Me and my God. It should be enough for me, being so close to Jesus and feeling as though I'm loved, chosen, forgiven, worthy, and made for greater things should be enough. It isn't. I'm a broken Christian. I love, but cannot show it the way others can. I trust minimally... I share online because I can sit here and be "anonymous" in my words that go out to people, because it's safe. Social media has allowed we as emotionally challenged people to speak out where we wouldn't otherwise.

Why do I feel abnormal? I dwell on the sadness. I anticipate the sadness. I focus on the sadness. All. The. Time. Finding joy is a precious thing... one that I often cannot succeed in. People don't understand... but I have many who are with me, and now the reality of being a depressed and anxious person. It is a job, truth be told... and a heavy burden to bear. My normal today is shredded... I am sad and anxious, but just one week ago I was in the "most magical place on earth." Why can I not hold on to magical, and just let is sift through my fingers like sand? It's as if I put my hand into the ocean, and grasped the water, only to find that my hand is once again empty. Normal is an effort in futility for me.

Right now I'm focused on the fact that my senior citizen cat of 16 is sick and needs to see the vet tomorrow. I just put my oldest cat in the ground a week ago tomorrow. I can't do it again... but that's what I see... the negative. His heart failure and respiratory infection is causing him to not eat, and to hide away all day. I don't know what to do and I'm struggling to think positively. My vet gave me a veiled yet serious moment today... stating that she has no more animals in her care that were born in 1999 (which my Opie was), and that she doesn't have many 2000 birth pets in her care. That to me was a warning... Fecus is very sick, and his recovery is a gray area that may not bring the outcome I seek for him.

That, and I have been weening off of the drug Cymbalta for a few weeks now, in order to get onto a newer, possibly better medication for depression. Cymbalta is highly understood as a very difficult drug to ween off of, and may take months to get past. I've reduced my dosage to 1/3 of what it was, and I'm feeling the severity of the effects that that takes. It's tough to get through the holidays, and the death of a beloved pet, and now have to face the reality of a very ill pet who may not get better from here. I have many friends who avoid pets in order to avoid the pain of losing them. It's a harsh reality, but I made the commitment, and I will see it through to its end.

Normal isn't normal... it's what you perceive it to be. Being a happy go lucky, pollyanna type is great, and I wish I was at times. Being a realist is what I've become. Being a "glass half empty" is what I'm trying to change. I want to be happy... to find joy in life. This time of year is a tough one to endure for people like me. Please pray for us as we endure. The fight is real. Fighting to live is a reality, and it's a tough one to do day in and day out. I've nearly lost that fight more times than I care to count. But I'm here... and I'm telling you: be aware of your friends and family members. Be there. It's valid. It counts. It's important. Normal is only what you have in your head... not what everyone else has in theirs.