I've been dealing with my inner demons quite a bit lately. Amidst a fabulous trip overseas, I struggled with crippling anxiety through the entire trip. There were moments of joy and good... but the lingering fears were always right behind the joy. Right now, being home for several days, I received a phone call telling me that I was a candidate for interview for a position I'd applied for over a month ago. I was thrilled. I haven't had a real interview in so long, that my heart just jumped for joy. Afterward, the anxiety of my lack of faith in myself and my abilities grabbed my heart and threw me into a whirlwind of negative thoughts about myself. I'm not good enough... it's been so long since I've worked in a professional environment, I don't know if I can anymore... I don't have what it takes... they're going to tell me no. All of these things plus a thousand more hit me like bricks.
I know I can do the job... deep down I know I'm good enough. I know how to handle the work that's being expected, but I just get so worked up over the 'what ifs' that it all comes down on me like a firestorm. I can't see my way clear to the positive.
I can't talk to anyone about these things anymore because they either get angry with me or want to throw me into a psych ward. I'm scared to tell people how I feel because of the feedback I've gotten in the past. I don't trust anyone enough to talk openly about things, so, instead, I talk to this screen. I tell everyone, yet no one. I self medicate... I was doing well with it, but I fell back into it today. It's just how I deal with the screaming chaos in my head. I don't want to be committed to a psych ward. Do you know how bad that would be? Can you imagine how that would effect my future? In ANY job? If that came to light, I'd be nothing. Again.
So, if I could ask for your prayers and good thoughts, I'd appreciate them. I realize my shortcomings, and I want to get past them, but times like these are the times when I feel like there's not time enough to get myself 'right' and get a handle on things. The urgency of time is crippling.
Thanks.
