Just need to write it out...

I don't know if anyone else has days like this, but I can't sit and leave it silent. I need to get it out of my heart and somewhere tangible.

There's been a lot of time this last year where I felt like something is just terribly wrong with who I am. That whatever I am just isn't good enough for much of anything. It isn't every day, but days come and go, and I try to fight the feelings, but once in a while they build up to a breaking point. I've tried to change myself - be better, stronger, different. I haven't had a lot of variety in my experiences in life to really broaden me in that regard. There have been things that I feel have made me better, but then the rest of the time I try to fill the void with trinkets or clothes - even changing my hair completely - just to see if THAT would help. It hasn't. These are also the times when I get silent with God. I don't ask anymore - pray anymore... because He isn't talking, and I'm not listening.

I'm scared that all I'll ever be is this woman who couldn't hack it - even at a Christian institution that's always been known for being overly tolerant of too much garbage to even think about. Not me - I wasn't worthy - I was too bad... too weak... too insignificant to keep. I felt like a tiny fish tossed back because I was worthless to the fisherman. I know I should be past this by now - I want to be. Somehow I can't find my worth. I've let a lot slip in this last year. Nothing seems to matter very much. My relationships, my home, my marriage... it's all a mess. Hanging on by threads. I see people trying to better themselves, being successful, struggling but continuing to fight through, and I envy them. Did they have to change this much to get to where they were satisfied with themselves and with life? What makes them try harder, fight harder... I don't bother to ask, because I'm too ashamed to admit my own inner failings.

I don't want people to write me and give me verbal pats on the back for this... it isn't about that. It's within me, and I have to be the one to rise up within and find the strength for another day. I need the Lord, and I know He's somewhere, but sometimes it's too hard to fight through the garbage to try and listen and try to find the encouragement that people say comes through Jesus. It's just hard to be this broken inside, and not know how to fix it.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Today is a lovely day outside, so that in itself is encouraging. Hope is where I'm lacking - not faith, but hope. Hope is so easily missed... but so necessary.