Doing vs Being

I've got so much in my head it's going to burst.

First of all, I'm only one person. I can't read minds, and I can't move forward on a project without some sort of input. Input in a timely manner would be nice, but when that doesn't happen, I get flack. Flack from the client, flack from the printer... it really bugs me. Why do I have to be the middle man? Why can't you actually give me some sort of respect and, when I'm working on your products, you give me your attention before it's too late? And when it IS too late, who's to blame? Me. It's me. And it's not right. I don't want to hear your bitching, or get a mean email, or get blamed for doing something I'm supposed to do only to get told it's wrong. I hate this... it's not fair. To top it all off, I'm not getting paid! I mean, I wait months upon months for SOME sort of income, and have to beg and plead for things to move. Why? I must have a doormat look to me... although being thin and flat sounds nicer than fat and bloated right now. That's beside the point.

My job has always defined me. It's the one thing that you do more than anything else... it's an 8 hour a day thing (if you have a job), and it's what you put most of your effort forward on in any given weekday. It consumes a lot of your time and life. I'm one of those people. Life shouldn't be about work... I know that, but sometimes all you want is to be worthy of a job, and be doing your best every day. My life isn't full, it isn't happy, and it isn't fulfilling. To have something in life where I can succeed, where I can feel worthy of praise, worthy of money, worthy of the attention I need to accomplish the task at hand. That would be great. I know I work with very different types of people. Some are attentive (thank you Marsha), and some are completely oblivious. It takes a thick skin to do this job... I thought I had it. But when treated like a pion time after time, I think it would be easier to just live on bread and water, and say screw you, I'm done.

That puts a lot of strain on my marriage, and I hate that every damn day. I know Ben loves me, and isn't (terribly) tired of being the sole breadwinner. He does his best, takes the good with the bad, bends over backward to be my all in all. I can't say enough about him... but it doesn't help how I feel about myself. I know I can be more. I know I can function in society... I just can't catch a break... freelance blows. Freelance is the most difficult thing some days. Worthiness and respect is not given, and day after day, I just feel like I don't have what it takes to make it.

In any case, I just needed to vent. I'm tired of this. I can't take it anymore. I'm going nuts. People are avoiding me, things are getting ugly. I need hope. Change.