Realize first that this post comes BEFORE I even attempt to go on this camping journey... being the anxious antisocial, it should come as no surprise to my vast fan base.
Camping is a learned craft that, when perfected, can be an enjoyable experience - to an extent. My years as a child camping with my family did me no favors, as I don't recall any fond memories of the events. I wasn't old enough to be able to protest, and the process was completely handled by my parents, but still. It wasn't fun for me.
Picturing myself in this not-so-woodsy experience has me thinking - almost constantly - about what the hell I'm going to do out there. If left to my own devices, I'd probably exist on PB&J and water. With two fairly experienced campers (as well as fairly enthusiastic ones), I know things will even out... but still. I'm picturing myself in the midst of a muddy, cold, rainy campground with strangers looking at us like we have no idea what we're doing. We're not astute in the ways of fire building, cooking outside, or much of any of the other things campers do. Here's me, in a slight panic, looking around and thinking "where is my next meal coming from?"
There are things to do at this campground - don't get me wrong. It's near water, there are things you can rent to entertain yourself on the water... man powered water crafts, a riverboat tour, etc. One thing I envisioned was to be inside of a 'hamster ball' (large floating ball that a human can "run" on the water in), finding myself not alone inside of this capsule of death, but being accompanied by a large intrusive spider who is not all too happy with being spun around as I try to navigate in this giant plastic water toy. I fall into panic, to the point of passing out, and the camp staff will need to call in the fire department to come drag me and this oversized death ball out of the water in order to save me from an untimely demise.
I have a number of shortcomings that will do me no good out in the wild. I have no sense of balance, my eyesight is poor, especially in the dark, I poop easily, and have little common sense when it comes to outdoor activities. What if I have to wander a quarter mile to the restrooms, and a skunk happens to be in my path - and it decides to turn and spray me with its ungodly stench? I'd end up shoved into a large hefty bag, tied at my neck, riding in the back of the car with all the windows open, hopefully keeping my husband from hurling as he races me home for a tomato juice soak! What else could possibly happen in that situation? Me sitting a good distance from my group for the duration of the trip, smelling like death, having them toss a coin to see who brings me a veggie hot dog? That's just bad. These are the things I think of. Also wet clothes, unwearable mud crusted shoes, no extra clothing... and what about sleeping situations? We'll be in a little camper, but I WILL be bringing a plastic shower cap to sleep in, for fear of giant spiders and bugs crawling around me. Sleep will be minimal, I'm sure. Crunching plastic shower cap around my ears as I try to find a comfortable position in a tiny trailer next to my husband who will by doing his best to sleep through my tossing, all while trying to wear his sleep apnea mask that HOPEFULLY will have a power source. If not, we're all screwed. I feel I'll be coated in a sticky layer of bug spray the entire time, leaving a nice film on whatever blanket or sleeping bag I happen to try to stay warm under. This is going to be epic. Can you feel it?
Luckily we're near not only a restaurant, but a small village that has enough shops that carry items I know we'll forget... At least we can pay to eat... and gather supplies as necessary. It isn't true camping, as some would say, but hell... it's as close as I'm ever going to get.
I'm sure the true tale of this experience will be far less entertaining than this post, but I had to write it out, to get it off my chest, and find a tiny bit of peace in it as I dwell on what I hope will never happen. If I happen to die in that hamster ball, you can harken to this post and say 'she had a feeling it was going to be bad!'
my very next thought after the idea of 'camping'...Nature is all over me eeeeekkkkkkkkk and illlllk. I must also be in dire need of some zen to help me tap into my natural pagan roots wherein this theory of sleeping in dirt with bugs and playing hunter gatherer would actually be fulfilling. Until then, I admire those that do it and let my hubs take the kids into the tent in the back yard so as not to pass along my scaredy catness to them...for now. Enjoy :/ heeeheheee
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Jenni! I think? :)
ReplyDeleteYou frickin' kill me. I laughed through that whole post. I wish you could come with us and see what we do. It all seems so natural. We always have something to eat even if it's just marshmellows. We always have bug bites, but comparing them is fun. I have never had anything nest in my hair at night and I have just as much hair as you. Some how it all seems to work out and we are there with each other and that is all that matters. You will be fine.
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