Days like this...

Many days come and go without much thought about the future... but I'm currently in a place where the future in all that I think about. I think about who I'll be, what I'll be, when I'll be that person, and how I'll do once I've come into a new season in life. My current season has been very difficult, although there are small victories and small boosts of encouragement that come at the right times, and it helps spur me toward the next day, and the next possibility. Seasons come and go, and we learn from these seasons as we walk through them. Sometimes walking isn't an option, and crawling through seems to be the only way to get there. I've been there, and done that... I've crawled for quite a bit of this last year. Thank God for unemployment, and for people who pray for me and encourage me on a daily basis. I couldn't get through these days without them, or without God.

God has His way of working us through tough times... it's difficult, and it wasn't meant to be anything but that. He has my answers, and He knows my path, from the end to the beginning. He knew me before I was born, and he has laid out my life's plan for me in such a way that it's best for His purpose for my life. I don't know that this season has been beneficial to anyone except for me, and to say that takes a lot of faith. I don't see the benefits... I don't feel any benefits, but He sees, and He knows. So, I take hope in the fact that I believe in the Word of God, and the promises left for me in that word. Just grabbing hold of one promise and hanging on tight to it is all I can do sometimes... and even then, my grasp is weak. 

What I know is that I will be more than this. I will be better than this. I will achieve more and be successful in some regard because of who He wants me to be, and I have to take heart and wait on His dealings with me. I don't know if anyone who reads this knows those feelings, but I'm guessing some of you do. Breaking the bonds of guilt, loss, failure, impatience, anger, and fear are so difficult sometimes. Days come and go, and it's as though the blackness veils the light. I know there's light somewhere, and I seek out the light whenever possible. Prayer, and the reading of scripture can help that - I know this, and yet sometimes it's just too much to bear. Prayer evades me, and hope is like a long lost friendship that I wish on its return. 

I hope the friends I have realize my shortcomings, and forgive my lack of communication and lack of availability. I do strive to be what I can be, and do what I can do for my friends and relatives that may seem easy enough to them, but for me is such a stretch for me to accomplish. I praise the Lord for the gift of my mother, and my husband, and the people who truly know and truly love, and truly pray for me. It helps me to know that there are so many who love me and love the person they know I will be some day. 

Giving up the ideals of life is hard as well. Wanting to do something, knowing you don't have the education or expertise to do it is so degrading. So bleak. I've got a passion in my heart, but getting from here to there seems impossible, and every roadblock possible goes up instead of doors being opened. I wonder why I have these passions, if they aren't God's will. Why did He give me such strong passions if it isn't in His will for my life? I can't answer that question, but I can continue to hope and walk forward, hoping for a door to open. That's all I can do. Hope in the Lord, and hope in the future...

Don't give up on your dreams, because there may be a day when they come alive for you. I trust in this, and I trust the Lord will make my path straight and clear as I continue to move forward.