socialization

Sometimes it's really not something I want to do - be social. Having to 'play a role' with people when inside I feel like I should be committed... it's hard to cover up sometimes. I have an opportunity to be social again tonight, thanks once again to Ben's kickball team. It was something that I was sure I wasn't going to do... just stay home instead - alone. It seems like people who are 'normal' would never consider being alone versus being with others and having a laugh or two together... but that's me. Having to be a person that I don't feel like being can be extremely taxing.

Lately I've noticed a sort of shunning from the females in the 'group' that we socialize with. To the point of having dinner with 5 others, and one female says nothing to me all night long. Not one word. It's hard, because I'm not sure where that comes from. It happened again the other night in a social setting. Two women who I haven't had an extensive association with who nearly completely shut me out of all discussions and fun. Even some of the guys do it to... I don't know why, but I think it has something with my defense mechanism of being quiet, and having a face on that normally people would shy away from. It's always been what I've done - to keep people at bay. I don't like people to know me - know what I'm thinking or feeling. I keep it inside, and that's where it stays. Ben thinks it's because I'm the 'pretty girl' and they're intimidated by me. I doubt that. They're pretty enough, and have jobs that anyone would envy - lawyer being one. It just doesn't make sense sometimes. It makes me not want to be there. To be shunned in a crowd - why would anyone want that for themselves? Especially with the level of self esteem I have... or lack there of. I'm encouraged only by Ben, and he gives me strength to follow through on some of these social excursions.

Next week, a wine tour with 20+ other people. Sounds great to most people, but I'm feeling intimidated just at the thought. We've committed $, and I don't want to back down now... Plus, I'm cheap, and I don't like wasting money. What will become of these situations I put myself in? Will I cower in the corner and not talk or will I open up and be brave? One thing I've never been in social settings is brave. I cower. I do it a lot. Mostly men who show me attention are the ones I seem to have a decent time with... but then, that's just not right in a big way. I don't know... I just don't know anymore...