I've got a lot of garbage in my head... too much for most people to stay sane, in my opinion. I think constantly, because I rarely have anything to think about right now, outside of myself. Every day is a long draining hour by hour existence that's filled with the 'what if's' and 'whens' of life. I can't control it... I can only control myself, of which I do so poorly. I have bad ideas, bad habits, and a lack of organization that allows me to float through days with no sense of responsibility or care.
I want to be responsible. I want to have a life that requires more of me. I want people who check on me, who want to know what I'm up to, and who care enough when things are bad to say 'hey - maybe that's not a good idea'... although I rarely share my bad things with anyone. It makes it tough for my friends, and I know that. I appreciate their prayers for me, and knowing that they DO care, but there's not much in the middle. I shouldn't need a basbysitter. I shouldn't burden people with my issues. It makes me feel like I should be locked up somewhere - somewhere that those things are required. I have a friend who has had to go into those places because of her choices and mental instability... it hurts my soul to know she needs/needed that type of care, but in the end, I'm one day behind her in a lot of ways.
In any case, I don't like what I think about - what I see - what I hear - who I encounter - what comes from people I don't even know. I shouldn't judge, I know that too... there's a lot in other peoples' lives that I don't have a clue about... but still, I find myself avoiding people and avoiding friendships because I don't want them to see the ugly in me, and I don't want to know their ugliness. I protect myself against it. Someone shared with me today how she and I always tend to keep that 10% of ourselves from others, just for our own heart's sake. I agree with her. She makes sense. She always has in that way. She doesn't make sense to me in a lot of ways, but that one part, she does. There are others who are the eternal optimist, and that bugs the shit out of me. Why are you so optimistic? What in life makes you so? I can't see it. My glasses are in no way rose colored, and I see things very differently than they do. I guess I'll just have to stop and let them be them, and hopefully they can allow me to be me. Life's not a bowl of cherries... it's hard. It sucks sometimes. That's my bottom line.
I have a faith. I can't say it's strong anymore... but it's part of who I am. I try to bring it into the present as much as possible... but some days it's just shoved back into the background. My friends bring it forward... I bring it forward when I have to - so people and family know that I still have a faith base, but some days I think I'm faking it. Moments of insecurity bring me to imagining me with Jesus, wrapped in his robe, and pushing my face into His chest, smelling the incense and perfume of his Glory. I stay there mentally until I can move again. That happens a lot.
I wonder sometimes how my other friends deal with things like this... with moments like this... where do you turn? Do you just go inward? Do you call a friend? Do you pray? Do you go out and do something to distract yourself? Most of my friends have families who take up more of their brain power than what I deal with, so I'm sure that's part of their sanity, as weird as that might sound. They don't go deep into their own heads a lot. I do. I'm there all the damn time. What the hell am I doing in my life? What's meant for me? I leave it to God out of sheer frustration and exhaustion. I know it may seem lazy to some, but there are days where I can hardly eat anything just because my mind doesn't go there. I have to remember or care enough to bother.
Now I'm rambling... I'll leave this blog now, going back to what I was doing... staring at the television seeing what horror has happened in the last 24 hours since I watched last.
Don't be me.
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