Fear...

I've never prided myself on much in life. The book I put together of my dad's time in Vietnam was a pride moment... the way I've been able to become more patient over time has been another... and the fact that I have fear of very little. I've always been brave in tough situations, and have been able to think clearly when no one else around me could think at all. Once while volunteering at an animal shelter, I had two dogs out at the same time. One had run off, as they tended to do, and one was with me. The one with me was a very large, very aggressive black lab mix who had lived all of his life in a junk yard setting. He hated everything that moved. He loved being outside, so I would make sure all animals were put away before letting him out with me. Well, that day I made a big mistake. As the smaller dog returned from running off, the big black lab went for it and attacked him. My lack of fear allowed me to run to them, pull them apart, and walk the smaller dog into the shelter for help (he'd had severe cuts to his chest). I never thought twice. I never had a moment of fear... and I felt good to know that I at least saved that little dog's life.

Right now I'm afraid. This situation with my dog has become a fearful endeavor and I'm coming to a point where I need to make serious decisions and it's terrifying. Recently he's become aggressive out of the blue. I don't know what's triggering it. Obviously he had a rough life before I acquired him - having an abusive owner, being maimed with an axe, being neglected and left outside to fend for himself. He has it good here, and I've always been one to bend over backward for animals in need. I never thought there would ever be an animal that, if I applied myself and my love, I couldn't save and make into a wonderful pet.

The acts of aggression have made me think very hard on what I'm doing here. I've never been afraid of this dog, but there have been moments where he's lashed out at me for one reason or another - mainly for caring for his injury or his infection. Monday I became afraid. While we were at the vet for the fifty sixth time (not really, but we've gone at least once a week for 3 months now) the vet checked his previously infected ear and he went ballistic. He had a muzzle on, thanks to the recent aggression he'd shown while there for other appointments. It was a very good thing, because it took everything I had to hold him back from attacking her, muzzle or no. He was bent on causing harm. She told me she's changed her mind on him - that she thought he would become a good dog and had great potential, but at this point, she sees him just becoming more and more aggressive. My heart broke. It didn't occur to me that there would be a time when, after putting so much effort forward, he could turn into a bad dog. It doesn't make sense, but then... with animals it's always a crap shoot. You never know what you're going to get...

In any case... I know what fear feels like and it's not pretty. I know what fear looks like and it's even uglier. I hear from everyone around me how we need to be aware of our limitations - both monetary and human - and consider what we're able to do versus what our hearts want. It's baffling to me to find myself here, when before I was so sure of myself. I guess the level of pride I've had got ahead of the reality I live in. I'm not a dog whisperer. I know a lot, but I don't have the skills to magically change an animal. I wish I did. Good grief, you don't know how much I wish I did. But, I can't. And now I'm caught with my heart in one place and my head stuck in the reality of what's really happening. This feels really awful.