I'm having trouble formulating my thoughts today. I've been under quite a bit of stress and have felt mentally exhausted for several days. The time has come to make a final decision on the dog we've been caring for since September, and the decision has been more difficult than any thus far in my adult life.
I've never owned my own dog. We had German Shepherds growing up, but I've never made decisions for their care. Now, I'm finding the need to remove myself from the care of this dog, Loki. We received him into our home after severe incidents in his life where his owner and another person were not fit to care for him. As we've gone along week after week, we've noticed an increase in Loki's aggression. First, it was with the veterinarian, then with friends and relatives, then us directly. The anxiety, fear, and pain Loki has gone through has been beyond what any animal should bear. He's had a rough road, and even as much as we've given, it seems as though we aren't enough.
When does the moment come when you realize you can't achieve the goal you so whole heartedly intended? For me, it was today. The aggressive moment today took everything I had, and brought me to a place where I had to say 'when.' I hate that moment. I hate it with all of my being. No one wants to admit they can't do something... it's not a feeling you want to face. Why can't I make what I want happen, happen? What's wrong with ME that this issue can't be resolved within my means, my abilities, my love? I've given my whole heart to this dog... and he returns my love with anger and undue aggression. There's nothing more I can give. We've given time, love, excellent care... to what end? At this point, Loki's last resort - the very last resort for any animal - is Lollipop Farm. Today he would have been euthanized, but instead my beloved insisted on giving him every opportunity available and made an appointment to surrender Loki to Lollipop. My heart aches. I don't want to burden others with an animal who could potentially hurt someone. I know Lollipop goes through this daily, and their care is more than what we could ever give. They have resources that we don't have, and the hope, though very dim, is all we have to cling to as Loki's life hangs in the balance. We've grown to love this dog... he's part of our lives. We give him all we have - we stay home to work or shorten our work days more often than not in order to give him love and security. All we've sacrificed - all the people who have given money toward his care - comes down to this. It's not fair.
Animals, especially dogs like Loki, can't seem to come back from the wrong that's been done to them. We don't trust Loki with much of anything aside from his own breathing. He's an abused creature. He's broken... and fixing him will take so much more than we can even think. Our best hope would be that a rescue organization would take him on and rehabilitate him, but there is so much need in this area... there's "no room at the inn" so to speak. So much effort has gone forward - time, money, love, stress, medical and emotional care... it has been overwhelming in ways. Every day is a new one... yet, every day comes with additional anxiety, need, and uncertainty.
It pains me greatly to 'give up' on Loki. I've been told time after time to think of myself before the dog. Think of my own well being and forego his. I can't easily do that... it isn't in my nature. I know many people go through the same issues, and have the same struggles. It's not easy to make that decision. I've been crying all day, and so has Ben. We still have a week to go before Lollipop can take Loki, but the end is in sight, and it breaks our hearts to leave something we've come to love in the hands of another who may very well decide his life isn't worth saving...
Please keep us in prayer this week as we make Loki's life as lovely as possible, and take as much time and care as we possibly can in order to make sure we feel fulfilled in his care. It's more us than it is him, but even in that, to give up is just so difficult. Thank you to all of you who have prayed and given. It wasn't for nothing... he's had a great life while he's been with us. He received that because of all of our care and feelings of responsibility for his life. Thank you for your help in that.
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