The Feather...

I was praying this morning, asking the Lord about the possibilities of applying to a job at Wegmans. Many people know that Wegmans is a great place to work, and has long been one of the places that I would love a chance to be a part of. That prayer was interrupted by a tiny feather floating down next to me. I had just said "I don't know, but You do. I just want to know what you want me to do."

That feather. A tiny downy fluff. It must have fallen from the chest of a bird passing through. That feather now is insignificant to that bird's life. It was a small part of it... and now is lost. No large consequence to the bird... just gone.

I felt as if that was what my career is to me now. No great consequence in its loss, just gone. It was a part of me, but now it's lost. It can't be put back into place, like the feather. It fell away, and now I'm left without it. A tiny part of me, now gone.

I'm not sure if I'm reading into what happened. I probably am, and people would scoff at the thoughts I have on such an insignificant occurrence. But somehow, when I ask the Lord things, He responds in ways and makes it known that He is in that response. He gives me wisdom and insight into the things He places in my path, and I know He's there.

A tiny lost feather. A tiny lost career. One part of a whole that once was, and is no more. Tears happened so often over these years of uncertainty. Even now. I feel as though I need to help my family by getting a "real job" but haven't had the capacity or mindfulness to do it. I went through so much rejection over 5 years, it seemed too daunting a task to continue on in the endless fight for significance. Just give me a chance! But no. It wasn't meant to be. Now, I'm at a point asking "why did you show me that position opening if I'm not to pursue it?" And then the feather.

I still don't know if I'll apply or not. I've been rejected by Wegmans and many others. Step out in faith they say... but the feather. Like I said, I probably put too much into that little fluff... who knows.

Pray for me... for my peace. For the answers I look for and can't find. I'll hold on to this little feather as a reminder of who God is, and who I am not, because He holds the answers...