What IS "normal?" It seems to me that everyone has their own interpretation of the word, and those interpretations are widely varied and personal. Normal is relative, to say the least.
When you're a person who deals with needing to be medicated in order to survive, normal is something you constantly long for. It's a reality that often we don't succeed at. Normal for me lately has become what I "used to feel" and has eluded me for months. Medicine is a powerful tool in our lives, and I don't take it lightly. My need for medical help in the realm of feeling normal is a constant, and is always in flux as of today. My therapist thought ADHD medications might help me, but ended up throwing me into an entirely different state of being. One, by the way, which ended up being completely wrong for me. Struggling with medicines and their side effects is exhausting... I'm sure for my therapist as well.
Normal. Feeling like everyone else. Feeling as though I can "blend in" or feel a way that would keep me from feeling like an outsider. I've tried... for decades. I can put on a front like the best of them. I can act normal... but like I said, it's exhausting. I end up needing "down time" from being with people. Even close family and friends takes its toll. My being is one of solitude a lot of the time. Me and my God. It should be enough for me, being so close to Jesus and feeling as though I'm loved, chosen, forgiven, worthy, and made for greater things should be enough. It isn't. I'm a broken Christian. I love, but cannot show it the way others can. I trust minimally... I share online because I can sit here and be "anonymous" in my words that go out to people, because it's safe. Social media has allowed we as emotionally challenged people to speak out where we wouldn't otherwise.
Why do I feel abnormal? I dwell on the sadness. I anticipate the sadness. I focus on the sadness. All. The. Time. Finding joy is a precious thing... one that I often cannot succeed in. People don't understand... but I have many who are with me, and now the reality of being a depressed and anxious person. It is a job, truth be told... and a heavy burden to bear. My normal today is shredded... I am sad and anxious, but just one week ago I was in the "most magical place on earth." Why can I not hold on to magical, and just let is sift through my fingers like sand? It's as if I put my hand into the ocean, and grasped the water, only to find that my hand is once again empty. Normal is an effort in futility for me.
Right now I'm focused on the fact that my senior citizen cat of 16 is sick and needs to see the vet tomorrow. I just put my oldest cat in the ground a week ago tomorrow. I can't do it again... but that's what I see... the negative. His heart failure and respiratory infection is causing him to not eat, and to hide away all day. I don't know what to do and I'm struggling to think positively. My vet gave me a veiled yet serious moment today... stating that she has no more animals in her care that were born in 1999 (which my Opie was), and that she doesn't have many 2000 birth pets in her care. That to me was a warning... Fecus is very sick, and his recovery is a gray area that may not bring the outcome I seek for him.
That, and I have been weening off of the drug Cymbalta for a few weeks now, in order to get onto a newer, possibly better medication for depression. Cymbalta is highly understood as a very difficult drug to ween off of, and may take months to get past. I've reduced my dosage to 1/3 of what it was, and I'm feeling the severity of the effects that that takes. It's tough to get through the holidays, and the death of a beloved pet, and now have to face the reality of a very ill pet who may not get better from here. I have many friends who avoid pets in order to avoid the pain of losing them. It's a harsh reality, but I made the commitment, and I will see it through to its end.
Normal isn't normal... it's what you perceive it to be. Being a happy go lucky, pollyanna type is great, and I wish I was at times. Being a realist is what I've become. Being a "glass half empty" is what I'm trying to change. I want to be happy... to find joy in life. This time of year is a tough one to endure for people like me. Please pray for us as we endure. The fight is real. Fighting to live is a reality, and it's a tough one to do day in and day out. I've nearly lost that fight more times than I care to count. But I'm here... and I'm telling you: be aware of your friends and family members. Be there. It's valid. It counts. It's important. Normal is only what you have in your head... not what everyone else has in theirs.
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