I realize most of my friends don't realize I'm off Facebook for the last 2 weeks, and this won't be published there, so it's a matter of people seeking my blog out, which is rare.
The reason I stepped away from social media for the most part is basically because I've been bombarded (some of which I have allowed by the things/people I've followed) has become too much for my mental health to be "good." I haven't been well in this realm for a number of months, and the reality is, I can't handle the things I'm passionate about. The animal rights groups and animal advocates - the petitions and posts about animal abuse... it's just more than I can bear as a broken individual.
I know I am in charge of what I see and hear about. I realize that what I am passionate about is ugly and hard to watch/see. It has become more of a burden on my psyche to see it on an hourly basis, and I stepped away because of my mental instability.
Very few people have noticed and reached out in other ways to ask how I am, what I'm doing, and why I stepped away. I realize that I'm just a small grain of sand in the workings of all of my friends and family's lives. It's okay... if nothing else it has allowed me a bit of peace and solitude that I don't often get. I can't say I'm bombarded by friends in any way... but I've felt a distance from the ugly that plagues the internet every day.
I miss sharing my feelings, and sharing my artwork on a daily basis. I miss getting the accolades I'm used to. Ben mentioned to me that he thought I broke away was because I wanted to see the people clamor for my presence, and reach out to me to see why I was missing in their lives. It's a reality that most of who I know haven't noticed. I'm not mad... maybe slightly disappointed. Who doesn't love attention? It's not who I am to revel in other's approval... but it's a way for me to feel relevant.
Right now I'm working on things for my artwork that don't require any outside intervention. It's mine, and it flows from my internal need to be creative. That alone doesn't seem to be enough to drive me in any direction. I've always had a hard time focusing on what I need for my own health, and what I do to gain that health. I'm broken, from the mind down. I've always had trouble caring about myself, and my physical and mental well being. The doctor recently indicated that, because of my familial tendencies, it isn't a matter of IF I'll become a diabetic, it's WHEN. That scares me. That, and I know in my mind that my heart isn't in the best shape. I sometimes fret over when my heart will tell me its had enough of my stupidity. You don't hear about people who have been vegetarian for 25 years as heart patients, but I believe mine is in route to becoming an issue.
Anyway... I have focused on my own health recently, and stopped focusing on the ugly and foolish parts of Facebook. I have a number of people on there who spew ugly - political garbage... animal abuse... you name it. I don't have enough positive from others. There are only one or two people in my life who are positive enough for me to glean from them a better perspective about life. Sad.
Don't cry for me Argentina. I'll be around. If you can't find me, send me a message here and I'll give you my phone number for texting or calls. Find good in the things you pay attention to.
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