Irrelevancy

I sometimes reflect back on when I was relevant. Honestly I probably do it daily... To become someone who has no purpose in life on a daily basis outside of the home is staggeringly brutal. I've struggled with it for 6 years now, come July 13. It takes its toll on you. Being a mom might have saved me from the many hours of uncertainty, insignificance, and self loathing. But... that was never a ship I wanted to sail on. So, instead I'm facing daily issues of irrelevance.

When I look back at the things I used to do every work day - handling most of the concerns of my office, my crew, my leadership... and looking at what I handle today, I wonder why I can't do more in a day than I do. I've become a poster child for ADHD... of depression and anxiety... of failure. I haven't looked for a job in a year. I honestly don't think I could be a full time employee at this point. I'm damaged goods, to say the least. And my self worth and self confidence has gotten to an all time low. My pitiful life contains finding "wins" in cleaning the cat boxes and sweeping the floors. Mopping? No. Watching aimless television... yes.

If I reach out and try to find a job, the work that I've done in the past is now irrelevant. I look at Ben's work and how its evolved, and wonder if I would have been able to hack the industry I put myself in 20 years ago. Honestly I don't think I could even walk in the rat race. It's a brutal reality. I hate the choices I've made. I wish I could go back some days, but honestly to go back would be too taxing to my fragile mind at this point. Why am I so broken?! Why did God make me this way? I blame Him. He holds me in His hands. He created me in my mother's womb. He knows the plans He has for me... all that. Some days it doesn't hold true in my mind.

I wonder why people who make due on social services get so much more gratification out of life than I do. Maybe they like the reality of having to do nothing to get paid. Maybe they feel justified when they COULD work, and they COULD make a lot of money, but because they've found this loop hole, they don't have to put out that effort. That's so weak and wrong.

I base my success on my income - always have. I guess that's bad. It doesn't matter to me if I get all the accolades in the world. If the money doesn't come in from all of that, it's all worthless. Honestly it is. It's like, what do words get me? What does someone's appreciation of my work or what I've done really mean? Nothing. Words are so fleeting and worthless. Good words and bad. They have the same weight - none.

So don't take your work for granted. Don't take your life for granted. You earn your way through life and that's valid. To float through life on someone else's dime - that's weak and wrong. Do your best. You'll have so much more self respect.