Thursday, December 22, 2016

Christmas Time...

Christmas is supposed to be a joyful and happy time of year. I try my best to find ways to feel festive. One way is to listen to the Rat Pack's Christmas CD. It's on continuously in my car when I'm out and about. Unfortunately I'm not always in the car.

These last couple of Christmases have been plagued with loved ones passing. Last Christmas eve I lost my cat of 17 years. This year, it's my friend Scott Fleming. I can't say Scott and I were all that close, but we had some very intimate conversations about our depression. We shared the ugliness of sadness... Both of us struggled daily with the realities of mental shortcomings. We knew each other's struggle, and empathized.

This year I'm also saddened by family becoming more and more estranged. I don't like it, but I don't combat it all that well either. I'm a depressed, anxious, anti social hermit. It takes everything I have to swallow all my pills for the day, and ready myself for what I need to accomplish. It seems like a raging river has come between myself and my brother, where no bridge could possibly survive the waves. He hasn't come to me, but has gone to other family in order to decline my invitation to Christmas breakfast. Somehow I knew it would happen eventually, but you never want it to come to pass. This year, it has. This is a turning point in our lives. There are no threads left holding us together aside from the life of our mother. Without her, we would be as distant as any two people could possibly be. Where did I go wrong? What is it about me that he doesn't want to be around? We both have a strong faith base... but I suppose that's the only thing we have in common. I don't try, and he doesn't seem to want to try either. It's sad... I'm sad. I've done what I can do. From here, it's up to him to respond... or not.

Christmas sucks sometimes. We don't exchange gifts anymore... mainly because no one can afford to do it. We've stopped that years ago, but it still feels like a real void in the holiday season. Ben and I barely exchange anymore. We find more significant ways to spend our money. This year it was a bedroom suit and bedroom floor. It was a long time coming... but that leaves Christmas vacant and empty. I can't seem to get past these things. The lack in the season. My friends aren't available, friends dying unexpectedly, gifts are missing, people are missing. I'm not surprised in the least that this is the season that a lot of people decide to take their lives. It's very hard to forge ahead with the burdens of the year still plaguing us. People don't understand. People don't want to understand because it brings down the spirit of Christmas. Christ was born - He is our answer to all of these things, and yet... here I am.

I don't know why I need to write these things down. I probably won't share this, which means no one will read it. It sometimes helps to just get it off my chest and onto another plane. I don't mean to bring down the holiday spirit... I just can't carry it all the time. God be with you all this season and throughout the year.

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