Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Ugly Me...

The depths of life are not lost on me. I dwell in the depths. The ugly... the lost... the dark. You don't know me, and no one on this earth knows quite the depths of where I dwell and who I am in those depths.

Today I'm looking at the ugly, as usual. I often spend time looking into the deep current of sorrow. My comfort zone isn't the euphoric and joyous life that the Lord promises. He sees me, and He sees what I see. He sees so much more... I often find myself staggering at the thought of all that the Lord sees that is wrong with this earth and this people He's made. One of my friends who is very heady and bright told me that, if I knew and felt all the depressed and depravation of this earth, it would kill me. I have no doubt.

Precious fathers... dying. Blessed pets... put down and passing away. People struggling with the deaths of parents who have passed months if not years before. There's no end to the sorrow, and I wonder when the Lord will elevate our struggling and come home for us. I wonder every damn day. This world is so corrupt, so broken, so ugly. People don't see the deepest realms of the ugliness... only the things that suit them to see. They're a part of the ugly, perhaps unknowing the depths of what they've done. What they support... what they hold dear. I see so much that isn't what the Lord wanted for us. My mind divides the things I see into what man has created, and what the Lord wanted for us. The divide is as deep and wide as anything imaginable. There are no correlations between what we know and what the Lord wanted for us. None.

I have no expectation of what this blog will bring to you, or to whoever sees it. It, as always, is just me putting down what my mind and heart is struggling with. I struggle so much every day. It keeps me from enjoying any possible joy I find in this awful world. I pray and ask for prayer for people and animals who I know have been lost, put down, faded, escaped this world. I can't help but envy those souls. I pray for the souls, not for the being. All beings have a soul, and I pray for those... including trees. I may very well be more inclined to be part of the Native American standards of belief, instead of Christianity. The things that I find that have altered God's word throughout history makes me think that the Bible I know may very well be only subject to Humanity. Subjected to King James' efforts to change the texts into what he thought was right. I struggle with what people have done to my faith. I'm frustrated with what I see, and what I read, and what I'm unsure the Lord wants me to see. It only adds to my insecurity of what we read, and what He has promised.

I shared something with my friend today that I thought was inspired, but could be turned into something completely different by a mind not softened to Christ's word. I struggle with even sharing what I see in the Word.

I missed an opportunity at my church to help them with graphic design when what I had posted on my Facebook cover photo said "I Hate People". Well, it's not false. I do hate people. A lot. Every day. But I know that's not what the Lord wants of me. This man, a pastor at my church, turned me down because of that. I could have been something more to my church, which I've been a part of for over 25 years. I feel badly about that, but honestly, if that pastor doesn't know the reality of this life on the "common folk" then there's no need for me to pursue it any further. My God realizes my flaws and my shortcomings... maybe I'm not who they need for the issues he reached out for. Maybe it would have just been a hassle for me. I don't know, but I know that how I truly feel was so far from what he thought was acceptable that he couldn't even write me back. Such is life. I'm okay with that.

What you get out of this is your own. I could pray for you, give to you my money and heart, or whatever I can... but reading it is far from accepting it. Be mindful of who you are to others, and to what you may or may not be able to give to others who need you. Love. Just Love.

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