Remembering...

I think about my dad every day... it's been 25 years, but it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I wish I could have his input in my life. I often wish that even though he struggled terribly for 7 months, that somehow he was still here to talk to. It's sad that I long to talk with my dad more than I long to talk with Jesus. It's my soul to want to be who Jesus intended me to be, but the remembering creeps in like a a smoke clouding who I need to focus on.

Being older is tough for some of us... Being a different person in our lives changes our perspective and keeps us wondering about if we are who we're supposed to be. Youth is a blessed cloud over the realities of age. Youth keeps us from focusing on the mortality of life. I found that, as a 19 year old, youth was forever a distant memory. My focus was on death, and the reality of what death brings us in this futile effort we call life.

When I think on who I'm supposed to be, I don't focus on Jesus unfortunately. I should, and I'm striving to do that - every day - for many years. Focus is difficult in the mind of an emotionally disabled person. We dwell on the negative, and rarely see the positive in difficult circumstance.

If my dad was still here, I wonder if he'd be proud. I doubt it, in all honesty. If my brother was to read this, he would negate it, but the truth of the matter is, my dad would have been a force for us to follow. He was a strong man. He did what needed to be done. He was brave, honest, and hard working. He dealt with the weather as a telephone repair man, and never backed off of a difficult day. He plowed snow to get extra income for us. He worked hard. He wasn't one to pass up hard work for a desk job. He wanted to be working - in the elements or otherwise. He lived his life in a way that is foreign to us today. I love him for teaching us the value of hard work and perseverance. He will always be a strong reminder of what love and discipline means to me.

Who am I without my dad? It's hard to know. Failure to try is an issue each of us in my family has. It's due to being enabled by my mother. We continuously lean on her for help, and I'm disgusted with who my brother and I have become because of it. My nephew as well. Enabling only gets you a compromised, weak individual who cannot help themselves. Enabling is a curse, in my opinion.

My dad would have stood for hard work, honesty, loyalty, and for Christ. His life mattered... even for the few of us who had privilege to know him. When I die, I hope to fill the church with people who knew me, and who could say "I was changed by her", "I was made a better person for knowing her", and "I will carry her memory on and build on what she tried to establish."

My dad, and Jesus... they are my guides. My earthly guide, and my spiritual guide. My mother plays a very big part of who I am now, and who I strive to be. She can't be negated in this post. She is who keeps me alive. She, and her unbroken belief. Her strength, her continual fight for us. What more can anyone ask for? I live because she lives. I live in Christ because that's what I know. I can't negate Jesus in any of who I am, because He allows me the peace and comfort that no one else can bring.