Hello...

Adele's new song "Hello" broke me to my core when I first heard it. It speaks of a lot of what I struggle with. It isn't just a song between humans, it's a song, for me, between me and my God.

I'm pacing back and forth in my own prison. My prison is my mind, and my home. My home is also my sanctuary, where I can look out and see the world, but don't have to touch it in any way. I pace... day after day... hour by hour... looking for a way out. My mind has become a broken wall surrounding me. I can't break out of it... I've tried. Medicine has become my worst enemy at this point. All of the trying... the failing. Therapy hasn't helped. I asked my therapist if there are times when medicine doesn't reach what's going on... what's wrong with people like me. She negated that, saying I hadn't tried enough. Seriously? 25 years? So many doctors, therapists, medications... who says I haven't tried hard enough? I myself believe I've tried enough, and nothing has helped me become "normal."

I've had jobs, a career, social standing, friends, abilities. To what end? This end. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting through life. Tired of facing every day knowing it will only be a disappointing end. I drink. Heavily. It doesn't help me but it's something to do to get me out of the thoughts of killing myself. What does life have for me at this point? Nothing. I see nothing. God is silent. I pray, but I have disconnected myself from my God in a lot of ways. The things I see, the things I know about, the constant battle of my own mind and of the realities of this cruel and unaccepting world. I try... but it is for nothing. Filthy rags, as the bible says. You can try all you want, and feel good about all you want to, but it's for nothing. Life is for nothing. You don't end up with anything. Yes, my life is comfortable but only in so many realms.

So I pace my prison floor... day after day... to no end but to see the sun set and be able to go back to sleep. To forget... that's part of the drinking. To forget what you know is real, and forget what I know I can't overcome.

I won't share this one on FB, because it doesn't matter. No one will come and read it. It's my outlet to my insanity... it's where I place my deepest fears... my anxiety.

I can't go out and deal with the world anymore without at least 2 days to dwell on it and think about how I will do it. Yes, I've accomplished those things, and many others, but to what end? Feeling accomplished because I was able to go grocery shopping?! That's ridiculous to me and to any normal human being. But, that's my life. That's who I've become.

No one wants to be friends with someone who constantly needs reassuring. A friend who is a burden to all things "normal." I'm not a happy person... why would someone want to visit with me? The numbers grow smaller every day.

I try to reach out... Christmas cards are going to be the latest effort. I know in my soul that it doesn't matter... people don't care. People have their own lives to deal with. I understand that. That's why I've stayed in my prison cell. I often don't want to reach out because I've exhausted every friend I have/had. I don't want to be "that friend" who always is in need. Fuck that. I'm not going to be a burden. I'd rather die. Dying may end this struggle for me, and end the constant need to feel validated. To feel like I'm alive. I'm someone. I matter. Fuck that. I don't matter. I may be missed by a few for a while... but it's all just sewage. Filthy rags.

You just don't know what other people deal with until you read their inner most feelings on things like blogger, or diaries, or suicide notes. You don't know. You have your own struggles to deal with and we know that. We as a community of suicidal people know that, and don't want to burden anyone any longer. Life is too hard sometimes. I think God knows that. I hope so anyway...

"Hello from the other side... I must have called a thousand times... to tell you I'm sorry... for everything that I've done, but you never seem to be home..." Hello from the outside... At least I can say that I've tried... to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart..."