The Burden of Death

Recently a very special person in my life has suffered a great loss. His life long friend of 40+ years passed away. Both of these men were alcoholics. My loved one got passed his alcoholism and has lived as a recovering alcoholic for several years. His friend, however, was determined to die as an alcoholic. His life was one of struggle and addiction, and not much more. His friend was one of the only people who gave him time and love in his later life.

This man's life was not marked with struggle always. He grew up in a very wealthy family. He seemed to be the black sheep, and was more than once removed from his family both physically and emotionally. As life progressed his parents removed him from their wills, leaving him without much of a legacy from a pronounced family. He was one of 5 siblings, and was the second to pass away, only after his brother who passed from cancer. This man never made much of his life, and was continually burdened by the weight of addiction. My loved one did what he could to support and help him, but to no avail.

As he passed, from alcohol poisoning it turns out... his siblings (parents are both have passed on before) had already removed him from their lives. His one sister stayed in touch with him, but had no need or want of his ashes after he had been cremated. This troubled my loved one, and felt as though he was the only one who truly cared about him. How can a sibling simply ignore and abandon their brother? I know, even as I sit here knowing my brother and I aren't close, that there's nothing that would stop me from giving him an honorable send of, and care about where his final resting place was.

Family has surely been fractured as I've witnessed in my 44 years. Lack of a parent in the household, lack of discipline, and the failure of the family to be a firm foundation for young people have created a true lack and emergency for our social standing. I believe that these things have been critical to the problems that we see in young people today.

It seems as though my stand in life is one that has not been widely accepted in our society. There are many issues that deter the reality of good manners, proper environmental standing, respect of authority, and the willingness to move through the educational system in order to gain ground and find work, especially in our rural community. I'm not sure why so many young people choose this for themselves, but I also see what they choose as the "wide path" in life. The narrow path has long been neglected, and I see it as a very negative aspect of our society today.

The burden of death is part of all of our lives. My loved one's friend chose a lifestyle that would eventually end his life. Indeed it did. His family had long been a fractured institution, and he was unfortunately a result of that. I mourn the loss, for my loved one, and for his family... although I'm afraid his family has no place for mourning in his being gone.

Family is an institution that upholds our society in many ways. We are better when we have family to build our lives on. Please understand that, no matter how troubled your family may be... that it is that relational enhancement to life that can mean all the difference.

Animals Are My Passion...

Anyone who knows me, and knows my heart, knows that above all, my heart is for animals. All animals. No matter where in the world, I advocate, fight, write and believe for all sentient beings.

I'm writing now in the midst of our newest family member walking on the keyboard. Bean has come to us as of Friday from a feral litter that my mother has hand reared since their 5th week. Bean is now almost 14 weeks old. She was the runt of her litter, and is a very "string bean" size... narrow, small, but full of spunk! She has quickly become one of the family.

I have friends and family who take joy in killing sentient beings. I don't support such practices. I cannot thwart these things in my family, or in people in general, but I do not believe in such practices, and they all know it. My life has become, over time, one that stands against the murder and all use of animals for any human needs or wants. We have become a world of want. Anything we "want" or "need" is easily accessible by non violent means. No more are we required to butcher animals for our food or clothing... our success or pleasure. The people who do are in the wrong in my opinion, and have no reason to believe they are in the right. Short sightedness... careless. Unbecoming people in my opinion. Yes, even my family whom I love dearly. You are wrong... and you've moved beyond a vegetarian lifestyle to one that your new spouse has advocated. There was no reason for that... but I digress.

It is my belief that the Lord planned on us as a Human Race to be plant based beings. He had Adam name the animals creatures that He gave him. There was no talk of killing of any animal or bird until Adam and Eve fell. My brother the biblical expert cannot thwart that reality. That being said, I believe that our lives should not be about containing, killing, mutilating, eating, or otherwise harming any other sentient being in this world we have been given charge over. I will never believe that what the Lord had planned was what we are living in now. We see pestilence... plague... wars and rumors of war... anger... hatred to other cultures and beings... it never ends. What we don't see is a hatred or war against plants. They were placed here to give us sustenance. They live, but do not have conscience. They live, but do not fear... Such as the Presence of the Lord.

Other people may not believe what I believe. I don't blame them, nor do I move from my stance. You can believe what you want, and so do I.

There will never be a time, until the coming of the Lord, where my mind may change on these issues. I know He made me, and I know He made me this way... for a reason. I am a strong standing advocate for truth and justice for all sentient beings. Why do we need people like me? Why are there so many people who live to harm... live to kill... live to eat the things that our bodies weren't even meant to eat? I don't understand. I've been a vegetarian for 23 years, and am at the cusp of being a vegan. No other person who isn't vegan can say their lives don't negatively impact any other lives. Some may say that these beings were placed in our world for our consumption. I disagree. They were placed in this world for our enjoyment... our joy... our pleasure. We were meant to love these beings and care for them the way the Lord meant His love to be for us. We were given Dominion. That doesn't mean we were meant to kill them and eat them. That ONLY HAPPENED when Adam and Eve had already fallen short of God's demands. The Garden of Eden proves it. Were there animals there for Adam and Eve to mutilate? Eat? Take for their own coverings or to use as anything but being among them? No! They were there for Adam to name. They were there for pleasure in the reality that they were different! They were beautiful! They were so amazingly created! Who are we to cut a life short for our own amusement! We are no one! The Lord cuts our lives short even as we cut His beings short in their lives!

I have a hard line of thinking on these things... it's not without years of advocacy, watching, waiting, and practice. From the wonderful elephant, to the tiny butterfly... we are to watch over them! We are to CARE FOR THEM. This was the Lord's first charge. From there, and from the Fall... we have become a cruel, inhumane, unconscious being who does whatever we can to rape, bleed, and suck dry this earth that we have been given.

This is my most precious belief in this life. I yearn for the Lord to return, and to show all of us what He really had in mind for us as a race. Until then, I fight. Fight with me... it's valid.

Dealing with Uncertainty...

Uncertainty is a difficult place to be in a part of your life. I've seen a lot of uncertainty in life lately. Wildfires, war, unrest in marriages, struggling individuals in their own minds. The reality is clear - uncertainty is unacceptable if you're searching for peace.

Currently I'm dealing with friends' issues with uncertainty, as well as my own. The realms range from family realities, friendships, goals, passions, and the like. I tend to take on my friends and family's issues when I'm reached out to. I want to be all I can be for these folks, and I end up burdening my own mental health as a result. It seems similar to the wildfires this year, as this years' fires have been triple what is normally battled. It feels so bleak, but I know the Lord keeps me in His care, under His wings... and I pray He does that for these people of mine as well.

Uncertainty captures our thoughts almost all the time. We dwell, fret, pray, and think of these things while trying to move through our lives. Life is always thwarted by these issues... it isn't as though it isn't normal. Although, as I'm currently seeing, the things being dwelled on and fretted over are more than simply minor issues. They are life changing and quaking realities that they face. One thing I know is that the power of prayer is involved. If only by me, it will go forth in each issue and each life, knowing the Lord is in control, and He has the final say.

As of myself, I have hit a bit of a skid in my artistic and financial certainty. Although I realize my financial security does not exist outside of my partner Ben, I have been feeling successful with the things I've been doing that has increased not only my income but my artistic fluidity. Right now I'm continuing in faith. I do not have any more paying projects on hand, but I believe, with the success I've had online, and the belief of my friends and family, that I will come to a new place of success. I go forward in faith.

My friends and family are on my heart. I pray for their success, their peace, and their answers in the issues they have believed in me to pray over and be a support of. These are major hurdles. Major life changers. Staggeringly so. I have a lighthearted hope for one of these things, which is rare for me. I think it stems from this person's own excitement and enthusiasm. My God will not fail them. My God stands with me in the prayer for the successes of my friends and family. He answers me. He loves me. Whom shall I fear? No. One.

I encourage my readers, vast and staggering they may be... to trust in The Lord for your peace, your answers, your courage. Be blessed because He knows your name. He knows who you are, and what you're dealing with. Don't be discouraged! Be encouraged! He is there!

Please pray for my loved ones. I continue in faith to know His answers are clear, just, and true. Thank you!

What Our World Is Facing...

I'm seeing so much about wars, rumors of wars, threats, food contaminations, food shortages, environmental issues, the list goes on. What is it that we face as we move forward? I don't think any of us, even experts know. That in and of itself is a scary premise.

We as individuals, and even as a nation, cannot change what we've done to this world. Our nation in particular are far more detrimental to our environment than most other nations combined. Who can we blame? Ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't face that reality with more than a shrug of the shoulders. Why? What makes us so callous to these realities? Who are we to point fingers, make excuses, or ignore the things that are happening? We are as guilty as anyone in the entire world.

So. What now? How can we as individuals, or as a communal body do to thwart these things that are plaguing our world? Do we care enough to know? I doubt it. We've gone nearly 50 years with the knowledge of several earth issues without any real movement as a body. Our government doesn't care about what detriment we are to our earth. They aren't in tuned to what's happening, and what their decisions are causing. They're out for cash... easy money. Do you know what your governing persons make/have access to? If not, it may be eye opening to you to search google for those things.

The polar bears are starving to death in their natural environment because of the breakdown of the icebergs, the heightening of the oceans, and the limiting of their hunting/living grounds. The poor animals who exist in zoos are hardly a true reality to what our earth has afforded them in the last 25 years. Get yourself some knowledge on these things! You'll be shocked and disappointed to see the realities.

Recycling, narrowing your "carbon footprint" is a lie. You can do only so much. The real detriment is in the big businesses of the world. Oil extraction from the earth and seas... Refinement of ancient sources from our earth... smoke, pollution, exhaust emissions, continued raping of the world's rain forests and natural resources. You can take your pick, they're all causing a real burden on the earth, the people, and the animals of our world. It's all fun and games to save a shelter animal, but truth be told? You're doing more damage than good overall.

Our world has no care for animals unless they can be killed and something ridiculous can be extracted from their beings in order to bring "sexual enhancement" or "health." These are ancient and unproven things that cultures steeped in ancient practices fall back on. Nothing about these things is true. NOTHING. Break free from unfounded realities... it only harms us.

I'm sorry, but this world is valuable, and the people therein. Do what you can to gain ground in the issues of our world. It's an unfathomable reality, but if we spread the word, and practice what we preach, we can make a difference. Be a positive reality in your world! IT MATTERS!!!

Feeling Successful...

There are many times in a day where we can feel successful. For those of us who dwell in the little things, waking up feeling refreshed is a success. For parents, having a child (no matter what age) choosing the right path is a success. Things in our lives can force us to see things in various ways, depending on our circumstances. I can attest, as of today, I am feeling successful!

These last few months of trying my hand at glass mosaics was a shot in the dark. I knew I could do it, and that it may not cost me too much to start doing them. The Lord has held back His favor and grace from me in this realm for 5 years now, and it has been a very long hard road. Today, after selling a piece twice over within the week I finished it has shown me that I may very well be within the realm of His will for me. How precious a moment to realize that His grace is upon my life's work! I can't tell you the emotional reward it has given me. Not only to realize His blessing, but to have friends, family, and friends of friends reach out to me with requests for pieces of my mosaic glass work!

Now, I'm taking it very slowly. I've only had 12 pieces that have been completed and have reached potential buyers' eyes. Yes, I have taken the prices down from what I want, to what I think they will sell for, due to the location I'm in, and my friends' abilities. I'm not ashamed of that, nor am I sorry. I have to get my name out there, and after only a few pieces, how can I not feel good? This week alone I put a piece together of a cat because of a friend's suggestion, and have sold it twice over. Not too shabby for a 4 day output. I'll take it.

For this 5 years, I have been striving toward attaining a job that would allow me to use my skills as a graphic designer. That, after probably 30 applications/interviews, (way more applications), has gone unfulfilled. I've questioned God and His plans for me, being uncertain and afraid to be an independent  with what I have to offer the world. I want to work, but WHAT my work was had become less in demand. This new realm of glass mosaic work has broadened my reach, broadened my output, and has been very well received by people both near and far. I honor the Lord in this and all of my efforts. He is the reason I am successful, and the reason I continue in this world. I know His plan is not finished in me, and I blindly trust Him to show me what I need to be and do in order to feel His glory, and to glorify Him in my work.

Just today, after months of nothing, I had a friend reach out to me in regard to a part time opportunity at a college nearby, doing graphic design work. I wasn't anticipating that, but wow! What a blessing! It's still uncertain, and it may be that I'm not the right fit, but to have God's grace show up during the success of my current efforts was awesome! Praise the Lord!

I can't say that this time in my life has been easy... nor would I wish it on anyone. I have dealt with some serious downs, anxiety, and depression. It has pushed me into a different mold, where being a round block pushed into a square was painful and difficult to endure. But, within that, I have gained ground in patience, strength, and endurance. I know what His will for me is becoming a reality.

Don't give up on your goals. I was never sure what my goals actually were... but with regular prayer and waiting, He has rewarded my efforts. Please know that nothing is easy... for people like me, nothing is taken for granted, nor is it easy to face. If you have need of talking about where you're at, and what you're dealing with, I'm always here. My faith in Christ is beyond measure the reason why I feel successful today.

Be encouraged!

When You Realize You've Changed...

I've changed. A short but deep sentence. I was told today that I've changed, by a friend who I've had for 20 years. It took me a moment to realize what he was saying, but I realize I've had a great deal of changes that I've had to adjust to, and they aren't always good things.

What has changed in me? Why are these things changing? What have I done differently that people have noticed? Why are they noticing? Is it bad, or good? I'm at a place where I'm just not sure.

Being a person with anxiety and depression, there are many issues and subjects of change that are in my view, but I don't always see them clearly. I can name a few but are these the things that my friends and family are seeing? If not, what else am I missing?

I've changed my lifestyle, in that I do not work outside my home anymore. I have struggled with not working, and have had probably the most struggle with this reality. My God has refused to allow me a job outside of my home for 5 years now... and I believe that has been my biggest detriment in regard to self love and confidence. I have become more deeply and detrimentally anxious, and have struggled to fight that tooth and nail. I have failed in this realm... I am a depressed and anxious individual. Nothing that I've been able to do has changed that, and it is very frustrating to me.

Who am I now? What am I now? What describes me as a person? As an artist? As a designer? My husband tells me I'm no longer a graphic designer, and should take it off of my business cards. I disagree, although that disagreement stems from my unwillingness to give up the possibility of attaining another design job as a freelance artist. I have gone through 20+ interviews and jobs that have kept my hopes alive in this, although none of them are a reality currently. That has made me angry, skeptical, and frustrated. I'm sure you can imagine that, after all of the 20+ years of design work, to give it up is excruciating. I do it, I love it, and no one sees that. Why? Why God? What makes me lesser? I'm capable, willing, and would always put my best forward, but you can't gain ground with "thoughts" on the subject.

What do you, my friends and my numerous followers (gag) see that has changed in me? Within myself, I don't see a change. I see a drive. I see a determined, well educated, well established individual with goals, strengths, and willingness to do work. I want to work! I want this for myself! Why does God keep me from it? I just can't believe I've sat here for 5 years and have come up empty handed with freelance graphic work...

My latest venture in mosaic glass work has been fruitful, but not enough for me to be proud and to be fruitful. I guess my end goal, as in all things, is to be fruitful, and to be able to sell my work to others for a profit. I have resorted to a local craft show/sale as a possible venue, and deep within me, that makes me sad. No one wants to have to balance their worthiness on an Orleans County craft show. It's just not something that people see as fruitful (among those people, myself). I will do it, get through it, and enjoy it, because of my friend who has put herself out there to help me. I will forever be grateful to her for the encouragement she's shown me.

What do you see that has changed in me? I'd love to hear from you. It will help me see what others see in me, and from that, I can change again, and move forward.

Thanks.

The prison of anxiety

It has been clear to me for a very long time that I am crippled by anxiety. I have recently been able to see a counselor to help me medicate through these issues. I have been crippled by the fear of leaving my home in recent weeks/months. I have gained ground with a new medication but today have fallen deeply into the fear and struggle of anxiety thinking about a trip I have known about for months. The days leading up to the trip are so brutal... muscle spasms, panic attacks, and the anxiety that stays with me throughout all of those things.

My faithful friends pray for me during these times, and I couldn't be more grateful for their prayers and thoughts. Still, through all of the minutes/hours/days of anticipating the trip, I find myself feeling a sense of fear. I know the Lord isn't in fear, and I pray for the strength to overcome it. My faith hasn't been enough for me to overcome it.

Please pray for me as you have in the past. I covet your prayers. I don't know why the Lord is dealing with me in this way, but I know He has my answers. I've been working hard at becoming an artist who is able to sell things that will bring income. As you may know, artists who try to live on the income that comes from selling pieces, it's mostly impossible. Thank you Jesus for Ben! I know he is here for my best, and I can't thank God enough for who Ben is and who I am able to be outside of Ben. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of losing my job at Roberts Wesleyan College. I still have trouble with losing my job, but I know that the Lord is working in me for a better life than I could have had by staying an employee there. I have to trust Him in that, because I just don't see it.

There are people like me who are WAY worse off than me... and I know that I should be appreciative of where I am in my life. Still, it's a common thought to feel lesser... to feel unworthy... to feel low about where I am and what I am. With our world moving further from God and making more and more effort to believe in "self" and "human accomplishment," I struggle with being relevant in this world.

Try to reach out to the people who you know are struggling through life. It's valid, and can mean so much just to hear from someone when we're down. Thank you friends!