So, as I sit here and ponder the time I've spent here, nearly 16 days, I can say I have been fully engrossed in living away from home. It's not easy. Being a transient is difficult on a number of levels. I allow Ben more of the reality than I take for myself, but I have indeed existed in this "outside world" long enough to have an opinion.
Life away from home is stressful. You aren't allowed the comforts of "home" in a real sense. Yes, you have a 'home base' but the reality is that it's a substitute for what you consider the comforts of home. A tiny apartment, little of home to comfort you... you're living outside of anything 'known'. Eating, living, breathing here is different. You're in a huge metropolis that allows ease in way of finding ways of living, but little in the way of settling into your surroundings with the ease of 'home'.
The ways of this place are different, albeit not completely. There are ways of doing things that are foreign to most. This city is enormous... and the complexities of life here can be overwhelming. Getting anywhere requires foot travel. Nothing at home requires that unless you want to. Subways, buses, taxis... they're all here waiting for your use, but there's no way to just 'go' without help.
City life is chaos in a lot of ways. There are so many people, so many ways of life. It's a foreign effort to find a way to cope with the differences of life. I can attest, it's not easy, nor is it preferred for me. Ben loves cities, but the longing for home and the life we know is always in the back (or front) of the mind. Too many people. Too many options. The price of things for just getting by is alarming, and would stagger the people I live my life knowing. I often ponder here the realities of the people I know and love, and cringe at the thought of them trying to deal with being displaced like Ben has been. It's just not something most people I know would choose.
As I ready to come home, there are things that both press me and hinder me from doing so. The thought of my home, my pets, my people... they are who I long to be with. The thought of leaving my partner in this life here to continue on is taxing. He misses home as well. He chose this, and has been successful in doing so, but none the less... he misses life at home. I don't know what the future holds for Ben and his career. Time will tell. He is willing and able to continue to be a success here, and he hopes that his efforts will allow him to grow in his new company and new responsibilities. Me, I am indeed a transient being. Not having nearly as many ties to life as Ben does. I work remotely, although entirely too part time for my tastes. Life has become very different in the last 4 years, and I have needed to change with it. I'm not satisfied with who I am at this point, but I know the Lord has things for my future that He has in mind. I have to trust Him and wait.
Meanwhile, here I sit, in a small flat in London. We try to visit places we haven't seen, eat things and find things we haven't had access to in our "normal" lives. Normal is such a relative word here. What is normal when you're a transient? You can only acquire normal by finding things that remind you of the place where you've come. Some choose not to do that for themselves, but I have needed it. It keeps me longing for home, and continues to supply a source of energy for me to press forward.
I will be grateful to find myself home on Monday afternoon. My family will feel the same, I'm sure. My friends will be interested to know what I've experienced, what I've seen, what I've done. This year has been full of that - going to Rome, Venice, and Paris in May, and this London excursion... I don't take for granted the fortune that I've had the pleasure of experiencing. I don't. It's a blessing to be able to travel the world and see how other people live. I've gained much ground in the realities of life and how to maneuver our way through each day. All I can do is move forward, gain wisdom, and grow. I hope to be able to share what I've gained with my circle of influence. I also hope to share whatever the Lord has brought me through, good or bad, with others for their lives and wisdom.
I miss home. I miss my people, and my animals. I miss my normalcy. I know this time is fleeting, so I will cherish the moment I'm in and move forward as the Lord wills. To God be the Glory.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Trouble with Suicide
Today I've been heavily contemplating the power that we have over ourselves... our very lives. We take it for granted at times. And, at times, we come face to face with a life altering or life threatening issue where our perceptions on the subject can change drastically. I've had those moments of clarity in life... and today my mind has been dwelling on the loss of life.
Yesterday I spent some quality time with my good friends, and we had a great time together. Our conversations seemed to be on the morbid - people we know and care about with cancer, and people we know of and loved who have taken their lives. I was stunned to hear that a wonderful professor I had in college who had died last year, had actually taken his own life. I guess I felt at the moment that I didn't need to know that about him... that really hit me hard. Knowing his belief in Christ, and his faithful walk during his time here caused me to struggle with the idea that his life could have been that of such utter desperation and depression that he chose to end it. He was about the same age as Robin Williams, who yesterday was found dead, presumably by his own hand. Those two things compounded my reality and my thoughts about suicide.
I have had plenty of suicidal thoughts, and I have many people with whom I have had friendships who have also struggled with these bouts of depression and despair. I know of parents who have lost children to these struggles. No one can truly know why someone decides to take their own life... it's bound up within their own minds and hearts. Outside influences to these people end up not meaning much of anything, because their inner turmoil takes control of their entire existence. My mother often says that suicide is a selfish act, because of what the person leaves behind for loved ones to deal with, and grieve over. I see that perspective, but I also know that inner turmoil for myself, and I can imagine there are points in a life when hope is lost, no matter what you've lived, believed, or expect for the future. The bible says this
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 [Full Chapter]
Most of who I have discussed these things with have reflected on the bible, and have wondered what it REALLY SAYS about suicide. I was always taught that suicide won't get you to heaven, because God gave us life, and He alone is who can take it away. That we were paid for with the price of Christ, and that our bodies are temples. All that has been manipulated into a fear tactic for Christians to adhere to. It's what has kept any number of people from committing the act to end their life. Maybe that's not a bad thing either.
Yesterday I spent some quality time with my good friends, and we had a great time together. Our conversations seemed to be on the morbid - people we know and care about with cancer, and people we know of and loved who have taken their lives. I was stunned to hear that a wonderful professor I had in college who had died last year, had actually taken his own life. I guess I felt at the moment that I didn't need to know that about him... that really hit me hard. Knowing his belief in Christ, and his faithful walk during his time here caused me to struggle with the idea that his life could have been that of such utter desperation and depression that he chose to end it. He was about the same age as Robin Williams, who yesterday was found dead, presumably by his own hand. Those two things compounded my reality and my thoughts about suicide.
I have had plenty of suicidal thoughts, and I have many people with whom I have had friendships who have also struggled with these bouts of depression and despair. I know of parents who have lost children to these struggles. No one can truly know why someone decides to take their own life... it's bound up within their own minds and hearts. Outside influences to these people end up not meaning much of anything, because their inner turmoil takes control of their entire existence. My mother often says that suicide is a selfish act, because of what the person leaves behind for loved ones to deal with, and grieve over. I see that perspective, but I also know that inner turmoil for myself, and I can imagine there are points in a life when hope is lost, no matter what you've lived, believed, or expect for the future. The bible says this
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 [Full Chapter]
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
I listen to a minister on the radio named John MacArthur who admits that, if a person is saved, truly saved, and knows Christ in an intimate way, that because of their genetic make up or whatever it is that takes them down so far as to contemplate taking their own lives, that they will not be denied entrance into heaven. They have known the power of life through Christ, and have just had too much of the world to stay any longer. That speaks volumes to me. I realize that with Christ there is always a way... but not everyone sees it that way.
I feel for the families of the people left behind, but I also know that sincere yearning for being with Christ, and out of this world. Who wouldn't want to be in heaven? No more tears... no more hate, murder, burdens, struggle and strife. Sometimes our lives are only filled with the negative. The strength to get up in the morning is only due to Christ some days. And some days, that strength just isn't there.
Pray for the loss of life... it wasn't easy for them to choose that path, and hopefully God's boundless mercy cradles those who have made that choice. One can only hope.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Alone...
Well this sucks. I've hit a wall here with being alone and it's only a week into the 85 days that this garbage will continue. Ben is working hard, partying hard (as of tonight), and getting the hang of being a single man in a different country. He says he's a migrant working now, and it's true. For now.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Christy seems to have been stricken with a deep loneliness that she's trying to fill. Days are long, nights are long... working around the house is important but the funds for doing so are limited (as of now). Altering our lifestyle to accommodate this venture seems daunting, and I'm not feeling the love at this point. Ben's company has yet to get their shit straight when it comes to monetary compensation, so I'm having to add $ to the accounts from our savings to accommodate during the 'gray area' time frame. UGH. Can you just hear me saying UGH!?
The cats are my responsibility, so are the house chores that need attending to during the good months of our year. That leaves me with little wiggle room, and a plan of attack as Ben gets paid. I hate wasting good weather days because of no funding but this is the way it's working out. All I can do is what I can do... sighing.
I am happy to let you all know that I am filling my days as best I can, seeing friends, painting the house, cleaning out kitchen cabinets, and all of that. It's a grueling life, but what else can I do? I seem to have a knack for waking up late and not wanting to accomplish much. I'm forced to do certain things but the majority of the time I'm looking at life going "what the hell will I do today?!"
I have rescues and volunteer work I could be doing. I have a new freelance account, but to be honest, I'm afraid my work won't be accepted as "good enough" compared to Ben's, which was what this company has been used to. I try... that's all I can do. If they don't like what I give, I guess they'll eliminate me from the equation.
Gotta run - there's someone who actually wants me to come visit! Be blessed my friends! Life has quirks that can be difficult, but there's always a bright day in the waiting (not promised by God, but you know what I mean)...
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Christy seems to have been stricken with a deep loneliness that she's trying to fill. Days are long, nights are long... working around the house is important but the funds for doing so are limited (as of now). Altering our lifestyle to accommodate this venture seems daunting, and I'm not feeling the love at this point. Ben's company has yet to get their shit straight when it comes to monetary compensation, so I'm having to add $ to the accounts from our savings to accommodate during the 'gray area' time frame. UGH. Can you just hear me saying UGH!?
The cats are my responsibility, so are the house chores that need attending to during the good months of our year. That leaves me with little wiggle room, and a plan of attack as Ben gets paid. I hate wasting good weather days because of no funding but this is the way it's working out. All I can do is what I can do... sighing.
I am happy to let you all know that I am filling my days as best I can, seeing friends, painting the house, cleaning out kitchen cabinets, and all of that. It's a grueling life, but what else can I do? I seem to have a knack for waking up late and not wanting to accomplish much. I'm forced to do certain things but the majority of the time I'm looking at life going "what the hell will I do today?!"
I have rescues and volunteer work I could be doing. I have a new freelance account, but to be honest, I'm afraid my work won't be accepted as "good enough" compared to Ben's, which was what this company has been used to. I try... that's all I can do. If they don't like what I give, I guess they'll eliminate me from the equation.
Gotta run - there's someone who actually wants me to come visit! Be blessed my friends! Life has quirks that can be difficult, but there's always a bright day in the waiting (not promised by God, but you know what I mean)...
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Life Apart... An American in London...
I'm sure my friend Marsha Rivers can attest to some of these things based on her best friend living in London for the last few years. London is doubly expensive than Western New York. They give NYC a run for its money for sure. Ben has been in London since Saturday morning their time, which is 5 hours ahead of us. He has successfully shopped for decent food for his new abode, and has realized some of the shortcomings of living in a very small space. Being here, you didn't really worry about what happened in the bathroom, since they're on the second floor and are out of the way. But there, everything is in the same 300 square feet, which doesn't go over well, if you know what I mean...
Things are moving along... he has a good stipend each day for meals. He has spent 100 pounds on food already, which translates to $165 here. That's just to keep at the apartment... Then there will most likely be at least 2 meals a day on the town. But, like I said, his stipend should be enough for any small family to live on.
Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Christy has spent more than she should have on groceries, and is wondering how the hell she spent that much. Times are different at this point, and I'm hoping with the money he DOESN'T spend (he gets the $ he doesn't spend each day in his pay), that we can come out ahead on this. We've joked about living on "ramen noodles and peanut butter" to save up, and he has already found and enjoyed London's version of that tasty salt ladened food source!
We have spoken several times already... we're missing each other. We've skyped and have sighed over the reality of where our lives are at this point. I can't say this is going to be grand... far from it actually. He is taking the brunt of the difficulties - a washer and no dryer... a tiny living space... getting up early like the rest of the world and going to work at 8 a.m. in "business" clothes. Ben has had an easy work life thus far, being able to work and live in shorts and t-shirts, working from home, and pretty much not having to concern himself with "business" type stuff. Now, he's readied himself with new dress shirts and ties, new dress pants, fancy socks, and all of that. Undershirts are now a part of his vocabulary. I remember a time when he swore he'd never wear a tie! We found 3 that are quite lovely... and argued about one that ended up being his choice, and a fine one at that :)
I covet your prayers... for myself and for Ben. He has a lot to learn, a lot to overcome, and even more to accomplish during his time in London. I pray for his wisdom and discernment, cautiousness, health, and stamina for these few months. It will be interesting to see how he and his existence changes over time... will he be the same? Mostly yes, but there will be changes in his perception of life, his attitude toward life outside of here, and his experiences in the business world. Hopefully he will be a stronger and more well rounded person at the other end of this.
Me, well... I'm trying to get my head around things and trying to fill my time constructively. I'm waiting on job opportunities to tell me if I'm a candidate or not, and moving ahead with life as I've known it. My life hasn't changed aside from being alone. Being alone is tough after 13+ years of being half of a partnership, but we're still partners... just in different places.
Thanks friends. More updates to come! :)
Things are moving along... he has a good stipend each day for meals. He has spent 100 pounds on food already, which translates to $165 here. That's just to keep at the apartment... Then there will most likely be at least 2 meals a day on the town. But, like I said, his stipend should be enough for any small family to live on.
Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Christy has spent more than she should have on groceries, and is wondering how the hell she spent that much. Times are different at this point, and I'm hoping with the money he DOESN'T spend (he gets the $ he doesn't spend each day in his pay), that we can come out ahead on this. We've joked about living on "ramen noodles and peanut butter" to save up, and he has already found and enjoyed London's version of that tasty salt ladened food source!
We have spoken several times already... we're missing each other. We've skyped and have sighed over the reality of where our lives are at this point. I can't say this is going to be grand... far from it actually. He is taking the brunt of the difficulties - a washer and no dryer... a tiny living space... getting up early like the rest of the world and going to work at 8 a.m. in "business" clothes. Ben has had an easy work life thus far, being able to work and live in shorts and t-shirts, working from home, and pretty much not having to concern himself with "business" type stuff. Now, he's readied himself with new dress shirts and ties, new dress pants, fancy socks, and all of that. Undershirts are now a part of his vocabulary. I remember a time when he swore he'd never wear a tie! We found 3 that are quite lovely... and argued about one that ended up being his choice, and a fine one at that :)
I covet your prayers... for myself and for Ben. He has a lot to learn, a lot to overcome, and even more to accomplish during his time in London. I pray for his wisdom and discernment, cautiousness, health, and stamina for these few months. It will be interesting to see how he and his existence changes over time... will he be the same? Mostly yes, but there will be changes in his perception of life, his attitude toward life outside of here, and his experiences in the business world. Hopefully he will be a stronger and more well rounded person at the other end of this.
Me, well... I'm trying to get my head around things and trying to fill my time constructively. I'm waiting on job opportunities to tell me if I'm a candidate or not, and moving ahead with life as I've known it. My life hasn't changed aside from being alone. Being alone is tough after 13+ years of being half of a partnership, but we're still partners... just in different places.
Thanks friends. More updates to come! :)
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