Christmas time...

Many emotions crowd my existence during the holiday season... The heart warming joy of giving... The fun of finding just the right gift... The pleasure of watching a loved one open a gift. There are negatives as well... Stress when your family won't comply to your holiday expectations... Disappointment when, no matter how far you bend to make someone comfortable, they still bail on you at the last minute (knowing full well they had planned their excuse for a week)... It's a tough balance to figure out. Being an introverted antisocial with mental shortcomings riddling your entire family, things can really hurt no matter how gently they are received.

Today all but one of us came together for breakfast... And as my brother talked on and on, breakfast lasted until 6 tonight. I'm mentally exhausted, but I had a good day.  Still, I was looking forward to the end about 3 hours before the end happened... Part of the mental illness I suppose. All in all I know we did our very best, and I won't hear from my mother for most of a week as she "recovers" from the event...

This year we didn't exchange gifts with any of our family... Either due to a lack of income or because we are saving for a trip next year. That felt bad... No matter how much of a pain it is to find the right gift, gifts are a big part of this season. To forfeit gifts is like passing on your birthday... It's not normal! But, despite the lack of gifts and wasted wrapping paper... It was nice to not have to fill expectations and just be together.

This may end up being what my family's Christmas' turn into on a permanent basis. As long as I can force my will and need on everyone to at least gather for a meal, I guess that's something to look forward to.

Merry Christmas...

Being Obedient to the Lord...

Being obedient is really difficult. Especially when you're stepping out into the unknown. I have been experiencing this lately, and have continued to feel fretful and uncertain, despite asking for peace, and knowing that the Lord has everything in control.

I was recently offered a position that I've been offered 4 times prior to this one. It has come over the course of 5 years, and every time I am approached, there are stipulations that I must adhere to that aren't to my liking, so I've continued to turn the opportunity down. This time, those stipulations were waived. I had no other reason to say no to the job... and after prayer and consideration, have accepted (tentatively) the position. Meanwhile I'm walking away from a friend who hired me at a point when I had no alternatives. I feel guilty walking away, but know that my faith calls for me to be obedient in the things God reveals. He revealed to me the reality that I had no reason to say no, and after 4 previous attempts to make me move, cleared a path for me to do so.

I have many reservations. My personality may not fit nicely in this role. I believe it won't, but I'm a pessimist. I bypass those thoughts with the 'it's a 3 month trial period' and 'God will make a way'. My short temper makes me think that I'm going to be canned within a week. I'm not a good phone person, and I have a very hard time hiding my feelings, or masking my voice to sound cheery and chipper. I don't feel that doing those things makes a difference when it's obvious you're doing your best to not berate someone over the phone if you're having a bad day... But, once again, 'God will make a way.' The 3 month trial period, unbeknownst to me, is the period in which they feel I will miraculously come to my senses and be willing to adhere to the stipulations that all staff members do at this establishment. Well, after an eye opening 'workshop' on Sunday evening, I'm even more convinced than ever before that I will most certainly not be adhering to those stipulations.

So. Tomorrow is D-day. I go in front of a hiring panel and will be interviewed. I have so much in my head on how things will go, what I will say, and what I will want to say... it gets me angry inside. BUT: within all of that, is the Lord allowing my buttons to be pressed in order to get me to grow in some way? Is this a test of my patience, respect, and the like so that I will, on the other side, be more of who He wants me to be? Is this for a future purpose? I don't know. I like to shut my mind's eye and say "NO" a lot. I don't want to be changed, because I hate it... but somehow this must be a movement in my life that I need to humble myself and say 'Your will, not mine.'

It's harder than I thought.

But Why...

There are many times when I find myself thinking about my life and my sins... I pray every day asking the Lord to forgive my sins, but then there are times when I think 'well, what have I done that's sinful today?' I'll rehash words or moments where I could have stayed silent or where I could have done something different, and say 'yeah, well... maybe that.' Still other times I evaluate my life on a moment by moment basis, looking at what I am to others, where my head is on certain topics or situations, and scrutinize myself and my actions. It's something I guess I don't feel is a bad thing. I think we should all be aware of what we do, and what we are to other people. Keeping yourself in check, I guess.

I see my thoughts as being a large part of my sinful nature. I can think of the most gruesome things sometimes and wonder where the hell that came from... It ends up that I can't force my mind to shut off or shut out the bad things. They're there. They come up. It's just the nature of the human mind I suppose.

One thing I know that the Lord doesn't like in me is my lack of trust. I don't trust Him in a number of ways, and I realize that's a lack of faith. There haven't been many categories of life that I don't trust Him in, but there are two in particular that take up a lot of space in my mind. Why did my father have to die? What about him or his life was so bad, or so unworthy of life, that made You take him away? That has haunted me for decades now. I have yet to figure out any of the 'why' in it, and I'm betting I never will. There's no earthly reason for his death. He was a good man, as good a man as most I've ever known. He didn't cause harm to anyone or anything for that matter. He didn't need to die. He just did. My mind screams BUT WHY? BUT WHY!? BUT WHY?!?! so often. I get no response. Probably because I'm not on 'receive' in those moments. There's no answer that would be good enough for me anyway.

The other category is animals and their abuse, neglect, and the lack of regard for life that I see all over the world. I am of the school that knows the Lord made them for a reason, not simply for food or 'sport', but for the beauty He wanted us to share. The amazing multitudes of different creatures made for each and every corner of the earth. The red cardinals, the majestic tigers, the quiet and peaceful whales. Their beauty stuns me daily. I think on these marvelous creatures, and see the horror that man has caused on this earth. The continuation of abuse that only a few really know and really ache over. I shield myself from the disgusting practices of the world, but then, I know more than most people because I care to know. I won't watch videos of animal abuse anymore. One was enough, and it was 20 years ago and I haven't eaten meat, fowl or fish since. I can't. You may change your habits if you sat in front of those images... you just might. But within all of that I continue to ask God WHY as urgently as I do about the loss of my father. Again, the response is silence. I can't imagine an answer to this would be any more helpful than the one for my father... but I still beg that question.

Why am I here? Why do I have to do this? Why are these things so difficult? Why am I stuck in this place of life and can't move anywhere? Why do you force me to see these things? Why can't I get past this? Why do these things have to happen?

One thing I do know within my questioning, is that I've always asked the Lord for wisdom. I wanted the wisdom of Solomon, and I've asked for it for as long as I can remember. I think that question may be why I see things more seriously and more finitely than others do. I asked for it. I want to know why... I want to understand. I need more than just to float idly by day after day, seeking out nothing, and gaining even less. I can't stand here and just 'be'. I need to change things. I need to educate people. I need to be the difference. I want people to remember me in that I made them think about things in a new way. I want more. If I had all the resources on earth, would I be able to get more of what I want accomplished? Perhaps, but being without that doesn't stop the need.

My sins are many, and my forgiveness rests in the Lord. I have a lot of growing to do, and a lot of things to change within myself. It's a daunting task. Think occasionally upon the things you shield your eyes from seeing. It gives you a healthy dose of perspective, and possibly a little wisdom as well.

Motherhood...

I have a new found respect for mothers. My maternal instincts have never been "high" and as of a week ago, I was thrown full-force into motherhood of a 5 week old kitten. I had no idea what it took to take care of an infant... and now I have a new perspective. What a JOB this is! Jenni Ciardi Reed, and Lisa Edwards Tucker, I am a big fan of all you do! It has taken over my life, and has taken my emotions to an entirely new level.

I took this baby from my friend whose daughter found him in a box, alone at the roadside in Albion. I was taken by him, being so small and helpless, never mind abandoned and needy. He stole my heart right away... and has brought me to a new level of emotional and maternal awareness.

From day one he was so needy - underweight, scared, tiny... the vet check on the first day was overwhelming, and he slept quite a bit afterward. He has gone through a lot already... stomach and digestive issues that have forced him awake and in urgent need on an hourly basis overnight and though the days. He's a trouper, and has done very well for such a young life. We've gotten him out of his ailments and brought him to a new stronger level, one that he makes strides in daily. He's now a member of our bed when he's tired (or bored), and climbs quite aggressively where once his nails weren't strong enough to hoist him further than an inch off the floor. He's curious, but not completely agile yet. His gate is awkward and shows his age... he will certainly gain in dexterity and agility as the days pass. This has all happened in one week's time!

I have gone back to work and have had long days away from home in this last week. Ben has been gracious enough to take on the care of this tiny baby while I'm away, and we've both been exhausted in the efforts. I fully appreciate the role of a mother within all of this - it's truly a God given gift. You can't help fall in love with a creature - human or non - to whom you give your all every day, every hour. Those big eyes staring up at you, and his cry of excitement to see you again - it just melts your heart. I can't say as I've ever had quite this experience, although my older cats did come to me as very young, needy kittens. I must have matured over these years, allowing this experience to be even more significant than before.

I realize that not everyone has an affinity for animals like I do, and would question my comparison between a human child and a kitten. All I can say is, in my own world, I have a new appreciation for the dedication and devotion that goes into caring for the young. It's a chore, but in the end, it doesn't feel like it. Kudos to all of my maternal friends!

Roulette...

I had some disappointing news today. The job that I had hoped I might be a candidate for is not going to be filled once the person leaves in the fall. I had hung quite a lot of hope on that position, and it fell apart today. I was thinking about the disappointment I've experienced over the last few years, trying to find a job in my field. Receiving so many 'no's' from so many different employers, I feel like a bad luck number on a 300-spaced roulette wheel. It's as if I occupy a space on the wheel that never gets chosen, and that never wins. I keep tossing the marble in as the wheel spins, and every time I have hopes of being the winner... all for naught. My lucky number isn't lucky after all.

I trust the Lord for my future, but there are days - like this one - where I just stop and say 'ya know what, this sucks, and whatever you have for me is taking WAY too long to be revealed.' I get the "God's timing is perfect" and "He is constant, your emotions aren't" from my mother - all falling on deaf ears as I stew in my self pity and disappointment. I breathe deep, only to heave in those breaths as if I had been sobbing... riding around in my work vehicle, trying to look and act better than I feel inside to the various places I deliver. It's exhausting to try to put a face on all day when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and die.

Maybe I'm being dramatic... it wouldn't be the first time. I can get that way after another 'no' from a potential employer. It has happened so many times that I should be used to it, or I should have enough practice to remember how to handle the rejection better... but I fail every time. I want to be more than this. I want to do more and feel accomplished. I don't want to go day in and day out, wishing I could have a more fulfilling life. I want to have it now... is that wrong? I don't care if it is... and I don't want to hear 'go back to school' either, because I have a fucking Master's degree and that, god damnit, should be plenty for me to get a job. Maybe refinancing the house was a bad idea... maybe we should have moved away. At least then there might be a better prospect for me in the job market somewhere else. I'm tired of being the bad number... the wrong one... the loser. It blows, and I'm angry at God because I have no one else but myself to be angry with, and I'm tired of being angry at myself all the time... it's His turn.

Humility in Patience...

Tonight I was in a bit of a rush... I wanted to get to the store, pick up some essentials, and get home. Long days tax me greatly, and I felt taxed. I dread going to Tops... I say EVERY TIME I'M IN THAT STORE that I HATE IT. I hate that store. I don't know the layout, I get half way through the store only to realize that what I was searching for was at the beginning of my efforts. Great. As I finally got to where I could check out, I searched the options. Three cashiers open, one was the "7 items or less" line.  I hit that line... even though there were two people ahead of me there. Won't take long, right?

I stood there. A while. My arm has permanent creases in it from the heft of my hand cart. I wasn't thrilled. I finally get my items on the belt only to realize that the woman cashing out had an ENTIRE CART FULL of stuff - in the express isle. That chapped me... what are you doing?! Okay, so then... THEN: she had a minimum of 20 coupons. One of those 'extreme couponers' I thought. Great! I noticed the girl directly in front of me had food stamps laid out on her items. Another 'great' passes through my head, and I sign heavily as I turn to the woman who had come up behind me. "It's a virtue, right? Patience?!" and she smiled at me and said "not when you have somewhere to be." Agreed. We stood in line for several more minutes until the couponer was through. Something had to be done by a manager... yadda yadda. At this point I was rubbing the creases on my arm, chewing my lip and looking around anxiously. The girl with the food stamps started through and every item had a piece of paper that needed signatures and individual implementation into the computer. Then... THEN: something had to be done by a manager. No manager. No manager. NO. MANAGER. We wait. The girl with the food stamps, with her little girl, apologized to us (now 3 shoppers behind her) sheepishly... not once, but twice, as we waited and she finished her purchases. Now here's me... the jerk. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm impatient. I reassured her... but it was limp at best.

At some point during all of this, the woman behind me whispered to me about the initial woman in line with the cart full and coupons. She said "Well, I know she runs the food kitchen in town, so..." she didn't finish. I finished. I said "that deserves our patience then, doesn't it?" and she agreed.

As I got through the line (in record time, no less), I stopped and thought about those two women in front of me in line. One freely and openly gives up her time for the less fortunate in our community who need a meal. The other is one of those very people of our community who could very well use the assistance of that free meal. Two people who, within my impatient and flustered moments, are the ones who we should all stop and make time for. Who we should lend patience to. A helping hand... a merciful hand. I cried as I drove home.

There are moments in my life where the Lord softly taps me on the shoulder and reminds me of what I have, what I am, and what I can be to others. Those are precious moments and I need to realize them as often as possible. It isn't that difficult to stop and think about things in moments like that. Stop the angry thoughts, the frustrated glances... and think. Think about what you have that they don't. Time, money, security. It only takes a moment to breathe deep and think about it. "Hey, relax... look at what you're doing."

The Lord teaches in the most humiliating ways. It wasn't humiliating for me outwardly, but inwardly I was ashamed of my thoughts and actions. The Lord was gentle with me this time. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for a lot of things... we all should be.

When it just needs to be said...

I'm feeling like a rant tonight. I've had some things on my mind that I need to put down. People can be so awful, and there are many - MANY reasons for them to be so. I don't like being awful, but I can be. But what bothers me are things I don't do. I don't verbally berate people. I don't say things that make people feel like less of a human being. I don't turn my nose up at people, especially those who I have known, and who know me. I can't say that I've always been this way - as a young person I know I was a bully at times, and I know I hurt people. I've learned, as I've aged, how to be better than that. I know I'm no better than anyone else, and that each of us have reasons for being who we have become. I'm not who I want to be in every aspect of my life, but I'm a darn good distance from what I was.

Meanwhile, I'm angry and disappointed in people who choose to berate the person they love the most in life (supposedly) based on something they 'believe'... not facts, no. They simply have a 'feeling' based on what they've witnessed that person 'acting like'. That's ridiculous. You haven't had one stitch of proof as to anything you're accusing, yet you still make them feel like they're about to be booted to the curb. What? Really? You're that small minded and insecure about your relationship that you wouldn't give that person the benefit of the doubt? You'd rather accuse them of something ridiculous rather than try to communicate and get to the root of what you think you're seeing? I'm so sorry, but that's just beyond my ability to understand. I don't like what you're doing, and I don't like how you're treating people. I know I don't have any say in your world, but you're wrong.

There have also been recent things that have caused me to reflect back on my high school years, and the people who had been my "friends". I use that term VERY loosely. These people never saw me as a friend - never treated me as a friend - never acted the way real friends would where I was concerned. Meanwhile, we grew up. Or, I should say, some of us did. Most recently there was a death in the family of one of those people, and although she in particular has also grown into an adult, there are several people around her who I can't say that about. Now, I'm only reflecting on past feelings that have never been resolved, but I want to say it anyway. Once and for all. You're not better than me, you're a small minded group of ladies who have always kept the 'I'm better than you' view of others. I hate that about you. You're not better than me. You don't even know me anymore. You have caused me to not want to pay respects to someone who passed, simply because my presence there might bring back the awkward 'you're not wanted here' feelings that have always crept up when I'm around you. Well, I will be paying respect to the person and family, and I will get past my feelings of inadequacy while I'm there. Whatever you feel you need to do while I'm there is fine. I have broad shoulders... I can handle it. Meanwhile, I often think of you and hope that sooner or later you'll break free of your juvenile attitudes and become the adults you were meant to be. Being ugly toward people is just a sad reality that I don't have to be a part of. I can only control myself, but when I haven't, I've apologized. You, on the other hand, can eat it. I don't care what you think anymore.

Now I know Jesus isn't in these rantings of mine. Frankly there are moments when the garbage in life just boils over and I have to say something for my own well being. This is it. You don't have to read it, and you certainly don't have to like it. It's mine, and I own it. As for you, all of you, grow up.

True Friends...

There are plenty of people in our lives who we consider 'friends' or 'acquaintances', but those who we consider 'true friends' are far and above the most valuable, wouldn't you say? True friends are those people who we speak to from the heart... who we trust with our deepest secrets, and our most treasured hopes and dreams. We have an unparalleled love for these sacred few in our lives... and well we should.

You can have as many people in your life as possible, but those treasured few are the ones who really matter the most. There may be connections who we can network with and gain social and career goals with, but there are a few who hold our heart in their hands. Those precious few who know us for who we truly are, and love us anyway. It may be a parent, a grade school or high school classmate, college, work, church... each of them hold a special place, and a life long connection.

Occasionally remind yourself of the people who truly matter to you. Those who you can tell anything, and they won't judge. The friends who you can always turn to for guidance, a healing word, a laugh. They're the important parts of life that you just can't replace.

This is a verbal hug for someone special to me, who I've known for decades, but who only recently called me a true friend. That by far means more to me than can be expressed in words.

Spend your time dwelling on things and people who really matter. The rest is just life in its all-consuming daily droning. Refresh your mind with the love of your true friends!

Easter...

Today's sermon revolved around Christ's prayer before being betrayed. For not only Jesus' strength in the Father but for the strength of the Disciples and for the future generations of Christians. Jesus prayed for us all in that moment, for us to be in Him while we're on earth, and be protected from the world. If you're of the world, you aren't of the Lord... your core being has to be about Jesus and His direction for our lives. We're in the world, but we're not "of" the world. It's very difficult to do day after day.

One thing that brought me back to a humble reality was to realize who I am to others in my life. Who I portray on a daily basis. Do people know I'm a Christian? Do the things I do and say reveal Christ to anyone in my path? Most days I'd have to say no, sadly... My language, my attitude, the things I choose to talk about to others... are hardly influenced by the Lord. That's a sad reality for me, because in my heart, I know what I'm supposed to be, and day after day I fall so short. I've had people say they didn't think I was a Christian when they heard me profess that I am. How awful that moment was - to realize that people who I've spent time around had no idea where my heart was. I don't want people to make that mistake again, but like I said, day after day, it's tough to get through without stumbling on the world we walk through.

Easter season isn't what it used to be as far as I'm concerned. It used to be a time of humility and of sacrifice as my parents would teach us what the lenten season was about, and what that could look like in our own lives. As an adult I haven't practiced worshiping the Lord in my humility nor have I sacrificed anything in order to be reminded of what Jesus did during his 40 days in the wilderness, or his ultimate sacrifice on the cross. I walk through this time of year without adding those aspects to my daily worship. I think I've been making a mistake in that I've been passive in my relationship with the Lord during these important seasons of the year. We need to bring ourselves to a place of humility in the presence of God, be it during Easter or daily... It's hard to break out of our routines in order to implement a time of sacrifice. It's too hard to do sometimes. But if we do it, we can experience a communion with the Lord through that sacrifice that we wouldn't have otherwise.

This Easter season, spend a moment or two dwelling on what Jesus did for us both in His sacrifice and in His prayers for us as Christians. Take the time to listen to the Easter story, and fit that into your celebrations. Eggs, bunnies, candy, and everything else that the world has made this season to be doesn't have any impact on your life as a Christian. Sacrificing yourself for others, giving to the needs of your fellow man, and showing the world who Christ is in you is the thing that makes the Easter season what it was meant to be.

Be blessed this Easter and always! Rejoice! For He was was dead is alive once more!

When It's All You've Got Left...

Now and then, very rarely for my case, there comes a situation that takes me down. It's an emotional wrecking ball. It may be that it's my own battle, or a loved one's, but if you're connected to that loved one deeply enough, it's your battle too. For me, my mother's battles are my own, and I take her needs and desires very seriously. She has been in a battle this week, and it has taken its toll on me as well. Her beloved dog has fallen ill to a very serious issue that could have taken his life, and he's not out of the woods yet. He has been in emergency care since Saturday, and they're calling him "satisfactory" at this point. He has yet to eat solid food however, and he may very well not be able to, which is the final hurdle in this race for healing.

When mom calls and asks me to pray, I know it's important. During this week of uncertainty with her dog, she has continued to update me several times a day via text or phone call. I've been stressing out over it non stop. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but if my mother cries, I automatically begin to cry along with her. She and I have a very deep bond, a beloved friendship, and I cherish that. It's times like these where I stand back and reflect on how very blessed I am to have her as my mother.

So, within all of that, because she's asked me, and because my faith is strong, I've been praying continuously for mom, for my stepdad Bill, and for "Boo." Boo is a huge part of mom's life - to the point where she gave up her  yearly excursion to SC this past year because she didn't trust her dog to anyone or anywhere but home with her. This is her most favorite pet of all time (she admitted this to me this week), and her tears of fear and uncertainty about his future broke me to my core. I knew I had to step my prayer up a notch. That's when I pull out the big card, and begin to Fast. You may not know what that is, but for me, it's a huge commitment. I don't do it often, and probably haven't in over 10 years. If I commit to it, you know it's serious.

Fasting for me is like shouting at the Lord. It's my way of saying "Hey, look God, I'm serious here... I need you to stop and listen to me and answer this prayer the way I want you to. Now." I get pretty aggressive with my prayers during a fast. It seems as though whenever a hunger pang comes on, I pray. During these couple of days, my prayers have been feverish and intense. I'm demanding the Lord to move on this issue, and to heal Boo of all of his ailments. It's a big request in my opinion, because more often than not God doesn't answer my animal-based prayers the way I want Him to. I don't often put my trust in God on animal issues, because He just doesn't do what I ask. I know, that's pretty small and doesn't reflect a true Christian's heart in regard to trusting the Lord and leaning not on our own understanding. Yeah yeah, I get it. I'm still asking what I want to ask, and praying how I want to pray, and hoping that the Lord will acknowledge my prayer and fasting with mercy and healing. So far, so good... but we're not at the end of this race yet.

Fasting isn't supposed to be a bargaining chip to use with God to get what we want. It's supposed to be a humbling of self in hopes to receive better understanding of what He wants from US. I happen to use it the other way around, and I know I'm wrong. There have been times when I do it the right way, but desperate times lead to desperate measures. I'm desperate for my mother's heart not to break. I'm desperate for a simple animal's life to be spared. I suppose, if I allow it, I could receive a better understanding of what He wants of me through all of this, but for now that's not my goal...

These misgivings may lead to another disappointment... I have to accept that as a possibility. But this effort, for me, will not go without a stronger feeling of connectedness to God and to my mother. It's not a wasted effort no matter what the outcome. To commit to something like this can only be good, right? I'm sticking with that... for now. Wish us luck!

Let Panic Ensue...

I don't know if any of my vast following struggles with panic, anxiety disorder, or depression, or if that trifecta of awesomeness resides in me alone. I certainly feel your pain if you do happen to deal with any of these issues.

As recently as yesterday my emotional chaos took the sleep from my night, and caused my few restless dreams to be those of panicked strings of confusion and frustration. I didn't ask for this mental disorder, but I can thank my mother's side of the family whole heartedly for it. I begrudge my reality, only because I don't have anywhere else to place the blame but within myself or God, and I've already done that... for years.

In any case, I woke with a terrible attitude, and continue to feel angry, thus spewing my feelings here. I know that I'm supposed to try and be positive... to 'talk positively to myself' to inspire a better attitude about myself and the world around me... to expect the best even though faced with the worst. Yeah, right. That hasn't been part of my M.O. EVER, and I can't fake it now. I discovered recently a new 'disorder' that I have, thanks once again to my maternal family. Body Dismorphic Disorder or BDD. It's a reality that everything about you is wrong, bad, ugly, worthless, and disgusting. Fun huh? Yeah... it's difficult. I didn't realize I had it until I found myself thinking about how ugly and disgusting I am, and looking up the disorder thanks to my mother's prompting (she also has this disorder). BDD also causes you to pick at yourself, mentally AND physically, causing scars, blemishes, and more disdain for how I look and feel. I can't tell you how much I didn't need this. It limits what I do, how I interact with others, how social (or antisocial) I am. Mix that with anxiety disorder and depression, and you've got a real cluster stew of misery.

Why do I share all this? Because the keyboard and monitor are who I'm telling - not you. I'm alone in my own home - safe and (minimally) sound. Your encouragement online is also at arms length, so I can feel your love, but feel it without looking into your face. Not a lot of people know me fully, and I don't let many people in. In fact, this is the most I've allowed in a very long time.

Panic comes on when change comes into my life. We discussed a very big potential for change yesterday, thus bringing on the panic through the night. It was only a preliminary conversation, but to my mentally disabled mind, it's all I need to begin to perseverate on things. To worry about the what ifs, the 'I can't do that', the 'what will we do about x, y or z'?! It's a never ending, back of the mind, scalp tightening, teeth clenching reality that I have slowly grown more and more accustom to. I hate it, but I can't seem to help it. No drugs or counseling have ever brought relief. It brings me to my knees, and at some points, I ask the Lord to bring me Home. It gets that bad. Back spasms, sleepless nights, tears, prayer, and panic. Oh if only a paper bag over my heaving sighs would take the pain away.

At this point I'm thinking "what will they think of me now?!" Wondering if I've completely alienated myself from even the few who read these stupid blogs. I don't think you'll turn away, although in the depths of your minds, I know you see me differently. Be it with pity, uncertainty, or aversion... it's different. I push people away quite a bit, because I don't want to know how little you think of me. I don't believe you when you say you love me, and love who I am. I never will believe you, because it isn't within my mental ability to do so. I can put on a pretty good face, and fool a lot of people most of the time... which is how I've always gotten by. Play the game, act in the role you have to, get through the day, and collapse from exhaustion every night in the privacy of home.

Meanwhile, I think I'll post this anyway... because at this point I don't feel like I have anything to lose. I don't love myself, and thus I cannot love others appropriately. I never have, and even that makes me feel guilty. I can't give love, so I give gifts monetarily instead. It at least makes me feel better... for a little while. That is a reality I've never faced before, so you've just witnessed a personal epiphany. Yahoo.

If you read this, don't respond. I don't want to know who knows this much about me. It will only make me more anxious. Just know that when people post the statements about depression and anxiety are very real for some of us... and find it within yourself to try to believe that it's a real disorder that cripples  its victims.