Now and then, very rarely for my case, there comes a situation that takes me down. It's an emotional wrecking ball. It may be that it's my own battle, or a loved one's, but if you're connected to that loved one deeply enough, it's your battle too. For me, my mother's battles are my own, and I take her needs and desires very seriously. She has been in a battle this week, and it has taken its toll on me as well. Her beloved dog has fallen ill to a very serious issue that could have taken his life, and he's not out of the woods yet. He has been in emergency care since Saturday, and they're calling him "satisfactory" at this point. He has yet to eat solid food however, and he may very well not be able to, which is the final hurdle in this race for healing.
When mom calls and asks me to pray, I know it's important. During this week of uncertainty with her dog, she has continued to update me several times a day via text or phone call. I've been stressing out over it non stop. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but if my mother cries, I automatically begin to cry along with her. She and I have a very deep bond, a beloved friendship, and I cherish that. It's times like these where I stand back and reflect on how very blessed I am to have her as my mother.
So, within all of that, because she's asked me, and because my faith is strong, I've been praying continuously for mom, for my stepdad Bill, and for "Boo." Boo is a huge part of mom's life - to the point where she gave up her yearly excursion to SC this past year because she didn't trust her dog to anyone or anywhere but home with her. This is her most favorite pet of all time (she admitted this to me this week), and her tears of fear and uncertainty about his future broke me to my core. I knew I had to step my prayer up a notch. That's when I pull out the big card, and begin to Fast. You may not know what that is, but for me, it's a huge commitment. I don't do it often, and probably haven't in over 10 years. If I commit to it, you know it's serious.
Fasting for me is like shouting at the Lord. It's my way of saying "Hey, look God, I'm serious here... I need you to stop and listen to me and answer this prayer the way I want you to. Now." I get pretty aggressive with my prayers during a fast. It seems as though whenever a hunger pang comes on, I pray. During these couple of days, my prayers have been feverish and intense. I'm demanding the Lord to move on this issue, and to heal Boo of all of his ailments. It's a big request in my opinion, because more often than not God doesn't answer my animal-based prayers the way I want Him to. I don't often put my trust in God on animal issues, because He just doesn't do what I ask. I know, that's pretty small and doesn't reflect a true Christian's heart in regard to trusting the Lord and leaning not on our own understanding. Yeah yeah, I get it. I'm still asking what I want to ask, and praying how I want to pray, and hoping that the Lord will acknowledge my prayer and fasting with mercy and healing. So far, so good... but we're not at the end of this race yet.
Fasting isn't supposed to be a bargaining chip to use with God to get what we want. It's supposed to be a humbling of self in hopes to receive better understanding of what He wants from US. I happen to use it the other way around, and I know I'm wrong. There have been times when I do it the right way, but desperate times lead to desperate measures. I'm desperate for my mother's heart not to break. I'm desperate for a simple animal's life to be spared. I suppose, if I allow it, I could receive a better understanding of what He wants of me through all of this, but for now that's not my goal...
These misgivings may lead to another disappointment... I have to accept that as a possibility. But this effort, for me, will not go without a stronger feeling of connectedness to God and to my mother. It's not a wasted effort no matter what the outcome. To commit to something like this can only be good, right? I'm sticking with that... for now. Wish us luck!
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