But Why...

There are many times when I find myself thinking about my life and my sins... I pray every day asking the Lord to forgive my sins, but then there are times when I think 'well, what have I done that's sinful today?' I'll rehash words or moments where I could have stayed silent or where I could have done something different, and say 'yeah, well... maybe that.' Still other times I evaluate my life on a moment by moment basis, looking at what I am to others, where my head is on certain topics or situations, and scrutinize myself and my actions. It's something I guess I don't feel is a bad thing. I think we should all be aware of what we do, and what we are to other people. Keeping yourself in check, I guess.

I see my thoughts as being a large part of my sinful nature. I can think of the most gruesome things sometimes and wonder where the hell that came from... It ends up that I can't force my mind to shut off or shut out the bad things. They're there. They come up. It's just the nature of the human mind I suppose.

One thing I know that the Lord doesn't like in me is my lack of trust. I don't trust Him in a number of ways, and I realize that's a lack of faith. There haven't been many categories of life that I don't trust Him in, but there are two in particular that take up a lot of space in my mind. Why did my father have to die? What about him or his life was so bad, or so unworthy of life, that made You take him away? That has haunted me for decades now. I have yet to figure out any of the 'why' in it, and I'm betting I never will. There's no earthly reason for his death. He was a good man, as good a man as most I've ever known. He didn't cause harm to anyone or anything for that matter. He didn't need to die. He just did. My mind screams BUT WHY? BUT WHY!? BUT WHY?!?! so often. I get no response. Probably because I'm not on 'receive' in those moments. There's no answer that would be good enough for me anyway.

The other category is animals and their abuse, neglect, and the lack of regard for life that I see all over the world. I am of the school that knows the Lord made them for a reason, not simply for food or 'sport', but for the beauty He wanted us to share. The amazing multitudes of different creatures made for each and every corner of the earth. The red cardinals, the majestic tigers, the quiet and peaceful whales. Their beauty stuns me daily. I think on these marvelous creatures, and see the horror that man has caused on this earth. The continuation of abuse that only a few really know and really ache over. I shield myself from the disgusting practices of the world, but then, I know more than most people because I care to know. I won't watch videos of animal abuse anymore. One was enough, and it was 20 years ago and I haven't eaten meat, fowl or fish since. I can't. You may change your habits if you sat in front of those images... you just might. But within all of that I continue to ask God WHY as urgently as I do about the loss of my father. Again, the response is silence. I can't imagine an answer to this would be any more helpful than the one for my father... but I still beg that question.

Why am I here? Why do I have to do this? Why are these things so difficult? Why am I stuck in this place of life and can't move anywhere? Why do you force me to see these things? Why can't I get past this? Why do these things have to happen?

One thing I do know within my questioning, is that I've always asked the Lord for wisdom. I wanted the wisdom of Solomon, and I've asked for it for as long as I can remember. I think that question may be why I see things more seriously and more finitely than others do. I asked for it. I want to know why... I want to understand. I need more than just to float idly by day after day, seeking out nothing, and gaining even less. I can't stand here and just 'be'. I need to change things. I need to educate people. I need to be the difference. I want people to remember me in that I made them think about things in a new way. I want more. If I had all the resources on earth, would I be able to get more of what I want accomplished? Perhaps, but being without that doesn't stop the need.

My sins are many, and my forgiveness rests in the Lord. I have a lot of growing to do, and a lot of things to change within myself. It's a daunting task. Think occasionally upon the things you shield your eyes from seeing. It gives you a healthy dose of perspective, and possibly a little wisdom as well.