I don't want to you know my inner struggles. Truly I want to keep them bound up within myself. There are times when I find my struggles are only valid to me and God. I'm struggling to keep it within my own heart right now.
I'm drunk. I'm struggling. I realize the boarders of my existence. It's ugly, and scary, and real. If you're a person who deals with people like me, here's your chance to know the inner workings of the depressed anxious brain. Take notes.
I've lived alone for months now. I've been alone, even when I've been with my partner in a foreign country. It's ugly, and scary, and real. The issues with dealing with a foreign country are plentiful, and I don't expect for my friends to understand. Even still here I am, writing from my heart.
My partner comes home in 5 days. It's been a long time coming. Being a person who is involuntarily silent, I feel the anxiety of being part of a partnership again. Yes, it's what I've hoped for... his absence has been a struggle for me. He has had difficulty in it as well, but I know that my reality is more of a struggle. It's hard. Life is lonely when you are minus your significant other. Any one of you can step back from this and say that is true. Meanwhile Ive dealt with this now for what has been a month of not seeing my love for a month. Why? Work. The livelihood that he has chosen has been detrimental as well as beneficial to our lives. I'm struggling to even write these words.
I asked recently why people may think my life is easy... on Facebook. I got several PC answers, all realizing that they don't know my life, and wouldn't assume to know what I deal with on a daily basis. It's not what ordinary people think of every day. The plight of the farm animals who fear for their lives and who are abused and beaten every day of their lives. You don't think of those things when you eat your meat or cheeses. I do. I get sick thinking of these things. Thanksgiving is just another reality that the country deals with and revels in that I get sickened over. What makes your life better than the animals you slaughter and eat for "thanksgiving?" It's sickening. You should at least acknowledge the reality of what you're serving to your families.
Meanwhile, I have those struggles, and the struggles of being alone in life for months at a time. No, don't pity me - hear me. Hear the anxiety of a person who doesn't get beyond the struggle of depression and anxiety in a day. The reality of knowing what the world brings upon the suffering. Why? Because you enjoy eating their carcases? Sick. Live with it. It's wrong.
Loneliness has brought me to a new reality of what we as humans do to our earth. It's not right, and it has brought us to where we are today. Water shortages that force us to realize that water is as valuable as oil is in this life. Wars, rumors or wars, plagues, petulance and all of the realities that the bible has warned us of. Be warned! Our ignorance of these things won't short stop because of our ignorance. We choose ignorance. We choose life outside of reality. Hollywood, movies, television... they all play to the fears and fixations are what they play to. It's time to wake up.
Where will you be when time comes to an end? I know where I'll be. You have nothing to loose by accepting Christ. You need to wake up and see where this world is going. Fear isn't enough to thwart the reality of what's coming.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
When you're not sure if you should share it...
There are days, like today, when the world becomes too much for my mind and heart. The days when what I feel in my heart outweighs the reality around me. Days of heartache and confusion... self loathing and second guessing. I have days like that, and sometimes I want to shout it out and tell people... but other times I regress, knowing not everyone I know will understand or care or want to hear it. I have fear of someone I have on FB reading what I write and calling me in to the ward. Forcing my hand to put me into a "safe environment" away from life and of self harming. I don't like those restrictions, and I have never been one to forfeit my freedom for those "safe places". It's not safe, it's a place where all you do is think about all of the garbage that fills your mind every day, and you sit in front of people you don't know, forcing you to "share". No thanks. I've had friends do that, and it doesn't seem to appeal to me, no matter how far down I get. I can climb back up... scratch, claw, dig deep. I can do it.
Bottom line is, I'm scared. I'm not good alone, and loneliness creeps in like a stalker, ready to take you for all they want. Fear breaks you down until you just don't know which end is up. You can't think straight, you can't talk... you just sit and mill over shit in your head over and over and over again, until it breaks you. I have enough experience with this to know that even the most skilled therapist wouldn't be able to grasp the realm of subconscious I have, or make sense of it. It doesn't make sense anyway, and it would be a futile effort for them to try... My mind is a swirling vortex of anxiety and fear... pain, self loathing, and utter futility. You can't make sense of those things. They're all within the person themselves... nothing outside of me will make it go away. Nothing.
The Lord has placed me in this life for a reason. He tries to develop me and my senses for His use. I get that, and I allow that to be a focus for my mind when I'm overwhelmed. Although His ways are secret, and my understanding is nil, I have to force myself into the faith that has taken me this far in my life. When I try to explain my faith to people, which is rare, it's hard for me to even believe that what I say is making any impact on someone. I think it's too far fetched... too "out there" for people to understand or try to accept. I don't try to convert people much. I share my experiences, and my faith when I'm prompted. But deep down, I don't think it does much good unless that person is faced with a life changing experience, and they look for God themselves. Otherwise, it's all words. Vacant... fleeting... empty.
I have friends who whole heartedly believe in expressing themselves against mosques in different places. That what they say will have impact on what the world has become. Great if you believe that, but my reality is simple: God moves where He wants to. This world has become such a cesspool of inhumanity, degradation, and self satisfaction that what I say has little to no effect on most people. They'll do what they will, and consequences be damned. If I shout out about a mosque in a city, what does that do? Facilitate anger to non believers? Enrage and bring about hate and the feelings of "intolerance"? Yup... you bet your life. Jesus wasn't about condemning the wrong or the sick or the perverted. He loved the lost, and loved them in the midst of their ugliness. Don't stand up and start preaching Jesus when you're looking down your nose at the people who need you most.
That's it. I'm done. Listen to Jesus. Be still, and listen. That's all I can say.
Bottom line is, I'm scared. I'm not good alone, and loneliness creeps in like a stalker, ready to take you for all they want. Fear breaks you down until you just don't know which end is up. You can't think straight, you can't talk... you just sit and mill over shit in your head over and over and over again, until it breaks you. I have enough experience with this to know that even the most skilled therapist wouldn't be able to grasp the realm of subconscious I have, or make sense of it. It doesn't make sense anyway, and it would be a futile effort for them to try... My mind is a swirling vortex of anxiety and fear... pain, self loathing, and utter futility. You can't make sense of those things. They're all within the person themselves... nothing outside of me will make it go away. Nothing.
The Lord has placed me in this life for a reason. He tries to develop me and my senses for His use. I get that, and I allow that to be a focus for my mind when I'm overwhelmed. Although His ways are secret, and my understanding is nil, I have to force myself into the faith that has taken me this far in my life. When I try to explain my faith to people, which is rare, it's hard for me to even believe that what I say is making any impact on someone. I think it's too far fetched... too "out there" for people to understand or try to accept. I don't try to convert people much. I share my experiences, and my faith when I'm prompted. But deep down, I don't think it does much good unless that person is faced with a life changing experience, and they look for God themselves. Otherwise, it's all words. Vacant... fleeting... empty.
I have friends who whole heartedly believe in expressing themselves against mosques in different places. That what they say will have impact on what the world has become. Great if you believe that, but my reality is simple: God moves where He wants to. This world has become such a cesspool of inhumanity, degradation, and self satisfaction that what I say has little to no effect on most people. They'll do what they will, and consequences be damned. If I shout out about a mosque in a city, what does that do? Facilitate anger to non believers? Enrage and bring about hate and the feelings of "intolerance"? Yup... you bet your life. Jesus wasn't about condemning the wrong or the sick or the perverted. He loved the lost, and loved them in the midst of their ugliness. Don't stand up and start preaching Jesus when you're looking down your nose at the people who need you most.
That's it. I'm done. Listen to Jesus. Be still, and listen. That's all I can say.
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