There are moments in life when we face real difficulties - the kind that rock your foundation. The ones where you hear the news and you sit motionless... numb. The reality hits you like a bag of bricks to the face... and yet, you can do nothing.
I've faced that sort of thing before, with the diagnosis of my father's cancer. I was young, and self absorbed. Selfish... ignorant... naive... full of my own life and the things I was headed for. There was little room for more in my life, and yet, my entire world was shaken. Walking through those 7 months were the worst of my life... and I remember each step with utter fear and anxiety. What could I do? I hadn't the capacity to be mindful of what was happening to my father, and yet, it was part of every thought. This is happening to me once again. My earthly anchor has come forward with some serious news. I'm scared. I'm numb. I'm petrified into the place I now sit. There's nothing I can do... except pray to a God who hasn't answered my deepest most longing prayers EVER. I preach a good sermon, but when the rubber meets the road, my lack of true faith comes to light every time.
All I can do is pray... it's all I have. I can't accomplish anything without Christ, and I know that. I go on day by day in my self destructive habits, fretting, thinking, worrying. I walk forward in darkness. My Light is not allowing me to see. Blindly walking by faith is all I have, and yet, I have nothing. What will I do? What can I do? Who will I turn to? Where will we all end up? Why does life have to be so difficult sometimes? I know my physical issues reflect my emotional and mental ones... it's obvious to me that we can make ourselves ill just by how we think and feel. And yet, I have no control. I'm bound like an elephant to a chain. I don't know anything of freedom... it's crippling.
My heart races. I can't control that either. I medicate, and yet it does little to soothe the hurricane in my mind. I'm teetering on the cusp of reality and the 'what ifs' that plague me. I need to be more than I am to who I love, and yet it seems so trivial. So very trivial.
Thank you for your prayers. I'm in great need, as is my family. I trust you understand I need to keep the specifics to myself, but God knows. God knows.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Living With Anxiety...
Right now my anxiety levels are skyrocketing. I'm one of those people (rare, I don't know) who stress and fret over leaving home for any more than a day. We have planned a trip to Italy for over a year now, and the time is fast approaching. My levels of anxiety grow as time draws near, and I begin to fret over the things, creatures and people I leave behind. I don't know how I came to be this way... I take a barometer from my mother, who is my earthly anchor, and who I base my mental shortcomings on. If she's dealing with it now, chances are, I'll be dealing with it in the future. Mom, however, doesn't seem to have this flaw. Mom stresses over socializing and day to day issues. I have that in my reality, but I also have this all encompassing dread of leaving home.
Right now, I'm staying awake at night worrying about my cats and the fact that they don't get along. I've aged my older cats considerably by taking in a kitten last July. He's a "circus" as mom calls him, and has a lot of energy to expend. His "spazz" moments include chasing, pouncing on, and biting my older cats. Opie and Fecus have come to accept this as a daily struggle, and try to avoid Tiny at all costs. This has no merit on how Tiny reacts to them. He is a JERK sometimes... and I'm scared I'm going to find one or both of my senior citizens dead. They have already become more skittish, less willing to be social, and seem to show signs of more arthritis as they have become less active in the reality of life with a young kitten. SIGH. What do I do? We've tried toys, a cat tree for climbing and playing, and separation. Mom suggests we leave the olders separated from Tiny in the house while we're away - leaving Tiny alone in half the house, and the olders in the other half. Ben is completely opposed. I have to say, I'm not convinced it wouldn't be best for the olders, however, Tiny would be alienated and alone for 2 weeks. I just can't find the good in that...
So, here's me... fretting. Now, this being the biggest fret I have, it is by no means the only fret I have during this time... the luggage, the house, the cost, the travel, having enough money, clothes, toiletries, and tolerance of "strangers" are all part of my struggle. I want to have a great time. This is an opportunity that not everyone has in their lifetime. I know many people who have never been where we are going, or have been. I want to be appreciative and excited. Some friends commented on how UNEXCITED I act when discussing the trip. It's not out of the ordinary for me to lack enthusiasm in any circumstance, but that's me. People who know me understand, and yet their reactions to me indicate that my mental reality is very foreign to them, and how THEY would react to my situation... I feel as though I'm alone in my anxiety and I place a burden on my loved ones from the anxiety I endure. I barely deal with others' reactions to me... it's more than my level of social etiquette can endure. That is primarily why I use humor as a tool to conceal these mental flaws.
Why do I write this all down and share my heart of hearts online? I have no idea why writing is a release for me. I have said in past blogs that I think I use this blog as a way to release without being under the scrutiny of people in the present. I know people will read this, and perhaps judge... but that allows people to also know me more, and empathize with me, or at least empathize with others with similar shortcomings.
Anyway... I could use your prayers. I told a friend recently that, once I begin the final preparations of travel, I often if not always endure severe back spasms as I begin packing and preparing the house for our absence. I can imagine this trip will have the same effect on me... and I'm not looking forward to that. There's no way of controlling it... I've tried. Medication doesn't help, although it does take an edge off. I would love to be able to overcome this and enjoy every moment of this trip... but my mental shortcomings overtake my reality and I suffer.
One thing I was looking most forward to, which was a long shot to be certain, was the idea of possibly having audience with the Pope in Rome. Ben's great aunt is a vatican nun who has worked in the Sudan for the last decade or more. She is going to be in Rome to meet Ben and me for the first time, and I'm thrilled to meet her. She thought she may have the clout to allow us an audience with the Pope, although I'm seeing less and less the possibility as our plans move forward. Being in the Vatican will be a thrill in itself, but that would have been something that I would really have cherished. Again, my sights are skewed... I know that visiting the Vatican isn't something everyone gets to do, and I should be grateful for the opportunity. I guess I was just pushing my hopes too high. Seeing Rome, Aunt Silvana, and all that goes with those things will be blessing enough.
UGH. It's a constant eb and flow of emotional instability. I can say I'm trying... although I'm failing. Please pray for me as this month of May pans out... I do need your prayers!
Right now, I'm staying awake at night worrying about my cats and the fact that they don't get along. I've aged my older cats considerably by taking in a kitten last July. He's a "circus" as mom calls him, and has a lot of energy to expend. His "spazz" moments include chasing, pouncing on, and biting my older cats. Opie and Fecus have come to accept this as a daily struggle, and try to avoid Tiny at all costs. This has no merit on how Tiny reacts to them. He is a JERK sometimes... and I'm scared I'm going to find one or both of my senior citizens dead. They have already become more skittish, less willing to be social, and seem to show signs of more arthritis as they have become less active in the reality of life with a young kitten. SIGH. What do I do? We've tried toys, a cat tree for climbing and playing, and separation. Mom suggests we leave the olders separated from Tiny in the house while we're away - leaving Tiny alone in half the house, and the olders in the other half. Ben is completely opposed. I have to say, I'm not convinced it wouldn't be best for the olders, however, Tiny would be alienated and alone for 2 weeks. I just can't find the good in that...
So, here's me... fretting. Now, this being the biggest fret I have, it is by no means the only fret I have during this time... the luggage, the house, the cost, the travel, having enough money, clothes, toiletries, and tolerance of "strangers" are all part of my struggle. I want to have a great time. This is an opportunity that not everyone has in their lifetime. I know many people who have never been where we are going, or have been. I want to be appreciative and excited. Some friends commented on how UNEXCITED I act when discussing the trip. It's not out of the ordinary for me to lack enthusiasm in any circumstance, but that's me. People who know me understand, and yet their reactions to me indicate that my mental reality is very foreign to them, and how THEY would react to my situation... I feel as though I'm alone in my anxiety and I place a burden on my loved ones from the anxiety I endure. I barely deal with others' reactions to me... it's more than my level of social etiquette can endure. That is primarily why I use humor as a tool to conceal these mental flaws.
Why do I write this all down and share my heart of hearts online? I have no idea why writing is a release for me. I have said in past blogs that I think I use this blog as a way to release without being under the scrutiny of people in the present. I know people will read this, and perhaps judge... but that allows people to also know me more, and empathize with me, or at least empathize with others with similar shortcomings.
Anyway... I could use your prayers. I told a friend recently that, once I begin the final preparations of travel, I often if not always endure severe back spasms as I begin packing and preparing the house for our absence. I can imagine this trip will have the same effect on me... and I'm not looking forward to that. There's no way of controlling it... I've tried. Medication doesn't help, although it does take an edge off. I would love to be able to overcome this and enjoy every moment of this trip... but my mental shortcomings overtake my reality and I suffer.
One thing I was looking most forward to, which was a long shot to be certain, was the idea of possibly having audience with the Pope in Rome. Ben's great aunt is a vatican nun who has worked in the Sudan for the last decade or more. She is going to be in Rome to meet Ben and me for the first time, and I'm thrilled to meet her. She thought she may have the clout to allow us an audience with the Pope, although I'm seeing less and less the possibility as our plans move forward. Being in the Vatican will be a thrill in itself, but that would have been something that I would really have cherished. Again, my sights are skewed... I know that visiting the Vatican isn't something everyone gets to do, and I should be grateful for the opportunity. I guess I was just pushing my hopes too high. Seeing Rome, Aunt Silvana, and all that goes with those things will be blessing enough.
UGH. It's a constant eb and flow of emotional instability. I can say I'm trying... although I'm failing. Please pray for me as this month of May pans out... I do need your prayers!
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