The Way We Perceive Ourselves

I have a terrible time trying to see myself as worthy of much of anything. I have a head full of ugly about myself, especially since I was fired from my job almost 5 years ago. I have gone through several therapy sessions and therapists in order to maintain a minimum level of self worth.

Lately I have been struggling quite a bit from anxiety that keeps me from leaving the house. I have a friend who struggles with the same thing, but she's far away, and she rarely gets online to converse with me. It's hard to be alone in your loneliest times. My husband travels quite a bit, and he does his best to encourage me, but I'm still in the midst of a very real battle.

Recently I went an hour and a half away to visit my uncle at his lake cottage. The morning of, I had panic attacks about leaving. I've dealt with leaving the house quite a bit in the last several months. It takes all I have to get myself out the door. I don't know why this has progressed so significantly in the last 4 months, but it has. I have 2 trips this summer for very important familial events, and I can NOT miss them. It takes more than what I have internally to accomplish these things, and as of this weekend, I was a wreck internally while I was away. My family understands, but honestly I don't.

I'm going back to my psychiatrist this Tuesday and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I wasn't sure it would be covered by insurance, and if it wasn't, I was sure I would forfeit going. I'm stingy and frugal as the day is long, and moving forward in help for my issues has been a lot of anxiety in itself in the last few years. It's expensive to be seen by a professional, and I feel badly for people like me who cannot afford going. It's important to my positive life, but like me, a lot of us forfeit it because it "isn't necessary."

There are parts of life that I absolutely revel in. I honestly take the most pleasure out of helping my friend through their troubles - be it monetarily, spiritually, emotionally, or other... Their lives are more important to me than my own. I give my gifts, my love, my abilities to my friends because it means so much to me to give. I hope they are as blessed as I am with my gifts.

Pray for me. Honestly. I struggle with life's most simple moments. I am alone a lot. I covet that, yet at times I loathe it. Mental illness is a real bitch, and I'm the poster child of that. Please keep us all in mind when you think of people and their struggles. It's so valid, and so needed. It's an unseen reality that most of us struggle with. Friends, family, social instances... we only want to be accepted and understood in the midst of what we deal with on a minute to minute basis. Thank you for being willing to pray and think for the mentally ill. We appreciate you!

A Good Man

You know when you have a good partner? Do you honestly know? I'm going to share with you my perspective.

You have a good partner in life when he gives you his best. He knows when you need a special word, or a little encouragement, and he gives it. You have a good partner when he gives life everything he has, and only has the life he builds with you as his influence. You have a good partner when he worries about you... when you're broken - mentally or physically - or both. He sees your struggle, and he tries his best to compensate for it. He makes sure you're safe. He makes sure you feel well, and when you don't, he responds. You have a good partner when his sole focus is to help you through your toughest times. It doesn't matter if he has to eat out of a can for days... if he has to clean the catbox that makes him gag just by thinking of it... he does what needs to be done. He's a strong, sensitive, beautiful soul who knows your soul. You have a good partner when you don't even realize that he's caring for things when you can't. Pain, chores, trips to urgent care, waiting in the waiting room for what may seem to him like hours... He's willing, and he responds.

My partner is one of these select few. He is a real man in my humble opinion. He works. HARD. He puts all he has into his work in order to make a better life for us. He sees us as an eternal partnership. There's nothing he wouldn't give in order to make our lives better.

We have things we need... we joke about it actually. When he went to London for 4 months last year, we had hopes of our "dream couch" to come out of his efforts of being away. I know that seems silly, but we save up for our purchases. Instead of our dream couch, we ended up with our brand new dream furnace. Without that, we would have been struggling in the middle of this past winter, and you know the winter we had... it was brutal. Thank you Jesus for foresight, and for Ben. Everything else is just gravy. We have all we need, and we live a blessed life. I don't put all of that on Ben's steadfastness... the Lord has a part in our lives that sustains us, even if Ben doesn't see it. My prayers and servanthood blesses our lives without ceasing. I know it. I see it. We are a blessed couple. I may not be able to show the outside world everything that we trust in the Lord for, but He shows the world with the life that I live. I know Jesus is a part of this household... and it's a blessing.

Big blessings or small, I praise the Lord for all of them. Ben is the biggest blessing my life has ever seen. I thank God for him every day.

Look at your life. See your blessings. It's such an amazing reality for me... Ben and I have something that is rarely seen in the world today, and I know it. I have an amazing life... and an amazing partner. Praise the Lord!

Where I Find Myself

I'm seeing changes in my life lately. Changes in friendships, and changes in my career path. I've kept holding the torch for my graphic design career, simply because I know this field, and I excel in this field. I can make money in this, and I want to do that. Other artistic venues are here, and are exciting, but they hold a very small candle to the possibilities of earning a decent income.

I recently found great inspiration from mosaic art. I've since purchased the tools and materials to start creating mosaics. I have 3 pounds of glass pieces coming any day, and have acquired the other necessities to create these types of things. It's exciting! I see pinsterest pieces that are so magnificent! I want to do that! I know I will be able, as I learn and go along in the process. I hope to be able to bless my family, friends, and volunteer organizations with pieces that will bless them and increase their monetary income.

A blessing came to me last week where a business owner came to me through LinkedIn and asked me to interview with them this week. I'm waiting to hear if I'm the selected candidate. It's been a long time since I've been offered an interview, so I've been stoked to be found and sought out online. I hope to be able to say that I have a job, but I also realize, after 5 years of trying, that I may not get the job. We are a common group in this area. Graphic designers are not in high demand, unfortunately. The Lord directs my path, and I know whatever I leave my heart open for He will bless and move me forward in.

I've also found blessings in my friendships. I have reconnected with a friend from grade school who still lives right down the road from where we grew up. She has been open and inviting to me, and we have had several conversations over coffee that have begun to grow new connections in our relationship. I'm grateful. She has been a blessing to me. I have seen recently the falling away of more than one relationship due to their own struggles with life in general. I hate seeing them struggle, but I also hate to be a participant in the drama that is involved in a changing life. I steer clear of those issues, and I think it best that I do, because I am VERY OPINIONATED. Shocker, I know...

My post is of gratitude toward my God and my friends. I love you all so very much... and I want to be all that I can for you and to you. Please keep me in mind for your sounding boards, your ear to listen, your shoulder to cry on. I am an excellent listener, after years of practice. Be blessed! We are all in this life together!

Am I to miss you, or they?

Years ago, I was part of a leadership group at my work at Roberts Wesleyan College. They chose me to be a participant, and I felt honored that they did. I shared a poem from my daily devotional one day during our meetings and it made me cry as I read in front of the group. I want to share it here:

I said "Let me walk in the field,"
God said "Nay, walk in the town,"
I said "There are no flowers there,"
He said "No flowers, but a crown."

I said "But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din,"
But He wept as He sent me back,
"There is more" he said, "there is sin."

I said "But the air is thick,
and fogs are veiling the sun;"
He answered "Yet souls are sick,
And souls in the dark undone."

I said "I shall miss the light,
and friends will miss me, they say;"
And He answered to me "Choose tonight,
If I am to miss you, or they."

I pleaded for time to be given;
He said "Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem hard in heaven
To have followed the steps of your Guide."

I cast one look at the field,
Then set my face to the town;
He said "My child, do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for the crown?"

Then into His hand went mine,
And into my heart came He;
And I walk in a Light divine,
The path I had feared to see.

This poem has been part of my inner being for all these years. I have kept it in my heart ever since the first time I read it. My life has been a series of these moments... when I beat my wings against the cage, trying my best to break free from where He placed me. It's a futile effort, even though I seem to forget the futility often. I have spent so many years trying to find my own way. In recent years, without the comfort of a steady income of my own, I have had to rely on the Lord for my strength, my light, my daily life. I spent so many hours pouring out my heart to God, pleading with Him to show me what He wants for me. It has been a long road, and a very difficult struggle. I have always known that He directs my paths. I just don't want to hear it when I feel as though I want to do more, and be more. It isn't wrong to want to be more, but I know He wants me to be more FOR HIM. He is my sustenance, and He provides for me.

My point in all of this is to say, yesterday I felt the Lord's tug at me when my neighbor stopped over to our house. He is struggling with a spouse who is deteriorating quickly with Alzheimer's disease. He asked me to help him update his house last year but we never got to it. This year, he has another need before we begin the house chores. I will be caring for his cats as he takes his wife to Florida where he is updating a condo for them to spend the winters in. He isn't sure if his wife will be well enough to go this coming winter, but I think the condo is more for his benefit in the future. They aren't faith based people, and don't have a relationship with God. I know the Lord is tugging at me to be part of their lives, help them in their time of need, and hopefully show them His love and eternal blessings.

Please pray for my neighbors and friends. Please pray for our time together to be fruitful. I know God has a plan in all of this, and it was a strong enough tug on my heart and mind for me to share it here. Listen for the Lord. Hear His words in your life. It's important, and if you listen closer, you may not have to bear the years of uncertainty that I have in waiting on His path to be made known to me. Wasted time isn't wasted when you're resting in the Lord, and waiting on His timing.

When People Die...

There have been several deaths in the lives of people I know and care about. They were each people I've known, but not well. High school classmates who live nearby, and an ex-coworker's son. They were all young people. One took his own life, the other two were only 43 years old. Too soon... all very sad. All deaths are sad. Some are merciful, others are unexpected. None of them are easy. I can't say that I've been deeply effected by these deaths... I don't know why. Usually I'm overcome with grief. I take on the grief of others, which is a big flaw of mine. I'm preparing myself mentally for calling hours and the funeral of my high school friend. This one is the closest to my heart. My dear friends were her dear friends. We spent a lot of time together in high school. Since 25 years have gone by, we haven't been close, but always remained friendly. Her death was sudden and as of yet, the reasons are unknown. I know people who are devastated over this... people who don't have a lot of friends, and who aren't close to Jesus. Jesus helps me get through tough times. He is my hope for the future.

I haven't been feeling like life is very important. I don't see my life as important. I know that's not good. When I hear of someone passing, there's a point where I wonder if they're better off. The cancer patient isn't suffering anymore. The depressed man isn't suffering anymore. Life wasn't easy for them...  Hopefully they're in a better place, but I don't know their fate. I believe in heaven and hell, so without certainty of their eternal state, I still wonder if they're better off. One can only hope they are. I envy those who get to leave this awful world and fall into the arms of God. What a wonderful place to be! Words don't come close to how my heart longs to be there too. But, they must go, and I must bide...

I've tried to be a help to my friends who are struggling with our classmate's recent death... They all seem so sad. The loss to them is huge. Not being close to our classmate for 25 years keeps me at a distance emotionally, but I guess, for me, that's okay. I'm not the strongest person emotionally. In fact, I think I'm pretty weak. Very few people know just how weak I really am. I put on a good front, and when I'm down, I force myself to continually say "I can do this." Sometimes I believe those words... sometimes not. I still think I convince the people concerned about me that I'm okay... but that's becoming more and more difficult as the years progress. It's exhausting. By the end of the funeral wednesday I know I'm going to be completely drained. It will take me a few days to get back to "normal" emotionally. But "I can do this."

I feel very sorry for the families left behind, because there is now a huge hole in their lives that will be their new normal. That's not a normal anyone wants to live with. Some of them don't know Jesus, but some do. Hopefully we as friends and loved ones can pray and comfort those who need it most. And, through that, perhaps someone will know Jesus through our efforts. One can only hope. I am only a child of God to these people... and Jesus uses us in times of need. I hope He uses me to help some of these people who are suffering with grief and loss. Please pray for these families. Pray for all of us. We certainly can't have too many people praying. Thanks.

When Life Isn't What You Thought It Would Be...

When I was a child, it never crossed my mind that I would ever be a "housewife"... mostly because I had dreams of becoming an artist, and had no intentions of having a family. I strove to be more, and got through college with high hopes. My dreams weren't all realized, even to this day. I struggled to find work that paid a living wage, and still do. I think, because of what I have under my belt, what I can do and what I can't, I've been left behind in a field of younger artists who have more skill in the areas that I never wanted to get into. Now, companies all want people like me who can "do it all" - who can create websites, maintain social media platforms, as well as create quality designs for print. I realize now, as I've been doing this for 20+ years, that print is indeed a dying art form. I also have lagged in my interest and fortitude in the latest and greatest ways for companies to be seen and heard. I am what they may call a dinosaur in the industry... and that hurts my soul.

I can say that, since I lost my full time job, I have gotten lost in the sea of designers and all that it takes to be a good one. I can say I'm good at what I do, but that doesn't go nearly as far as it used to. I've started doing logos, and have been somewhat successful in the things I've created, but that's not enough. I would love to be on top of my game, and in demand. I am so not in demand. I thought in October that I had several new leads and projects that would sustain me for a while, but things get in the way. Things have been "put on hold" more than once... I've been duped by a church who said they wanted me to do their weekly work. No work from them in nearly a year. It happens. I'm not the only one... I know it. It doesn't sting any less because I'm not alone.

My partner in life has been one of the biggest inspirations to me - he works so hard, and has gained so much ground in his field. He's in demand - his company sees him as a very valuable asset. I admire that, and I want that for myself... I envy him, and sometimes that's not a good thing. He's successful - bright - inspired - wise - and thoughtful. He can massage clients and business people like nobody else I know. He's got a gift... and I'm so proud of him. So proud, and so jealous...

What does the Lord have for me? I sit and wait. This doesn't feel good - sitting. And waiting. I want to be more. I'm the keeper of the house. The caretaker of issues, troubles and needs. I work hard when I can, painting, filling, sanding, scraping, decorating, loving and caring for what I live in and live around. I can't ask for more in life - I'm blessed, really. But there are days, like today, where I wonder if I wasn't meant for something more. I didn't want to be a ditch digger in this life, but the Lord leads, and He is the one who opens and closes the doors. I've knocked on so many doors, hoping they'd open... only to be turned away. It stings... I won't lie.

Maybe I'm made for "artistic" things, like "etsy" - I have friends who are making strides on that site. Mom wants to work together selling goods she finds for cheap on ebay. I can do that. I just feel as though it's what I WANT to do. I'm conflicted.

Please pray for me as I struggle through who I am and what I'm worth. I covet your prayers.

There's a time in my life - often - when I can't express what I have in my heart. I need to, in the midst of the days I live through. I want to express myself. I'm a right brained artist who feels compelled to tell the world - how ever small the world is that I impact - the feelings that embrace me on a daily basis. I pray before I write every time so that my words may be acceptable to God. I trust He is doing that now.

This time of year is difficult for mentally compromised people. People who live day in and day out with the struggle of believing that who they are matters in the world. We are a large community of individuals who unfortunately succumb to the realities of daily life in the struggle to be "normal." I know many of who I know and love see it in me, and I'm not so inclined to tell you that I'm okay with that. Hiding is a familiar situation to me. Hiding my feelings, even with the people who are closest to me, is essential. I can't impact them any more than I already have... I don't want to. But, the reality is, I feel so much more than you realize. Mental illness fluctuates with the tides. The hormonal issues of female victims, the daily lives of working full time for someone who doesn't know who we really are. Do you realize how many of us live daily striving for "normalcy" only to fall short day in and day out? The pressure of this is enormous, and I can't express it enough.

I'm loved. I go to parties, I go to friends' and families' homes for "socialization", but it's a chore.  Normal doesn't see the chore of existing in someone else's world - even for a short amount of time. I've been invited to parties and I just can't force myself to go. I have plenty of time on my hands, but yet my commitment to socialization is minimal because I cannot force myself to participate.

Holiday times are tough for us. We are invited to more parties and gatherings than "usual" and it's tough to marginalize what we can and cannot do. I've been forced into this life because of genetic make up. I'm not minimalizing it, but I have trouble year after year finding excuses to be social. I don't care enough. I don't want to enough. The Lord is my strength and yet I don't have enough to endure a social gathering where I don't know the people involved. I can't face even extended step-family events because I'm just too overcome with self doubt, self loathing, and utter despair.

As I grow older I find myself in this reality deeper and deeper. I see what my mother has become and I realize that, even though I fight it, I'm headed in the same direction. I often wonder if my father had not died, would my mother be the same person she is today... would she be as self absorbed and social inept? I wish sometimes that I knew the future for myself in this... but I cannot know. I can only base my life on the progress or inabilities of my earthly anchors - all of which is one... I am struggling...

What makes the holiday season that much more strenuous than the rest of the year for people like me? The issues of gathering? The giving and all that it realizes including the facts of monetary shortcomings or monitory scragginess?  I don't know... and I'm saddened by my facet in life. I want to be more - to give is so much to me - but at the same time - I don't have the personal income to support it. I struggle... and it's not just money... it's life. Life is hard, and grows more difficult during the holiday season.

Be aware of your friends and family and their shortcomings during this season of the year... it's important that people like me feel loved and accepted... even more than the rest of the year...