When I Just Don't Know...

I've been dealing with my inner demons quite a bit lately. Amidst a fabulous trip overseas, I struggled with crippling anxiety through the entire trip. There were moments of joy and good... but the lingering fears were always right behind the joy. Right now, being home for several days, I received a phone call telling me that I was a candidate for interview for a position I'd applied for over a month ago. I was thrilled. I haven't had a real interview in so long, that my heart just jumped for joy. Afterward, the anxiety of my lack of faith in myself and my abilities grabbed my heart and threw me into a whirlwind of negative thoughts about myself. I'm not good enough... it's been so long since I've worked in a professional environment, I don't know if I can anymore... I don't have what it takes... they're going to tell me no. All of these things plus a thousand more hit me like bricks.

I know I can do the job... deep down I know I'm good enough. I know how to handle the work that's being expected, but I just get so worked up over the 'what ifs' that it all comes down on me like a firestorm. I can't see my way clear to the positive.

I can't talk to anyone about these things anymore because they either get angry with me or want to throw me into a psych ward. I'm scared to tell people how I feel because of the feedback I've gotten in the past. I don't trust anyone enough to talk openly about things, so, instead, I talk to this screen. I tell everyone, yet no one. I self medicate... I was doing well with it, but I fell back into it today. It's just how I deal with the screaming chaos in my head. I don't want to be committed to a psych ward. Do you know how bad that would be? Can you imagine how that would effect my future? In ANY job? If that came to light, I'd be nothing. Again.

So, if I could ask for your prayers and good thoughts, I'd appreciate them. I realize my shortcomings, and I want to get past them, but times like these are the times when I feel like there's not time enough to get myself 'right' and get a handle on things. The urgency of time is crippling.

Thanks.

When You Can't Do Anything...

There are moments in life when we face real difficulties - the kind that rock your foundation. The ones where you hear the news and you sit motionless... numb. The reality hits you like a bag of bricks to the face... and yet, you can do nothing.

I've faced that sort of thing before, with the diagnosis of my father's cancer. I was young, and self absorbed. Selfish... ignorant... naive... full of my own life and the things I was headed for. There was little room for more in my life, and yet, my entire world was shaken. Walking through those 7 months were the worst of my life... and I remember each step with utter fear and anxiety. What could I do? I hadn't the capacity to be mindful of what was happening to my father, and yet, it was part of every thought. This is happening to me once again. My earthly anchor has come forward with some serious news. I'm scared. I'm numb. I'm petrified into the place I now sit. There's nothing I can do... except pray to a God who hasn't answered my deepest most longing prayers EVER. I preach a good sermon, but when the rubber meets the road, my lack of true faith comes to light every time.

All I can do is pray... it's all I have. I can't accomplish anything without Christ, and I know that. I go on day by day in my self destructive habits, fretting, thinking, worrying. I walk forward in darkness. My Light is not allowing me to see. Blindly walking by faith is all I have, and yet, I have nothing. What will I do? What can I do? Who will I turn to? Where will we all end up? Why does life have to be so difficult sometimes? I know my physical issues reflect my emotional and mental ones... it's obvious to me that we can make ourselves ill just by how we think and feel. And yet, I have no control. I'm bound like an elephant to a chain. I don't know anything of freedom... it's crippling.

My heart races. I can't control that either. I medicate, and yet it does little to soothe the hurricane in my mind. I'm teetering on the cusp of reality and the 'what ifs' that plague me. I need to be more than I am to who I love, and yet it seems so trivial. So very trivial.

Thank you for your prayers. I'm in great need, as is my family. I trust you understand I need to keep the specifics to myself, but God knows. God knows.

Living With Anxiety...

Right now my anxiety levels are skyrocketing. I'm one of those people (rare, I don't know) who stress and fret over leaving home for any more than a day. We have planned a trip to Italy for over a year now, and the time is fast approaching. My levels of anxiety grow as time draws near, and I begin to fret over the things, creatures and people I leave behind. I don't know how I came to be this way... I take a barometer from my mother, who is my earthly anchor, and who I base my mental shortcomings on. If she's dealing with it now, chances are, I'll be dealing with it in the future. Mom, however, doesn't seem to have this flaw. Mom stresses over socializing and day to day issues. I have that in my reality, but I also have this all encompassing dread of leaving home.

Right now, I'm staying awake at night worrying about my cats and the fact that they don't get along. I've aged my older cats considerably by taking in a kitten last July. He's a "circus" as mom calls him, and has a lot of energy to expend. His "spazz" moments include chasing, pouncing on, and biting my older cats. Opie and Fecus have come to accept this as a daily struggle, and try to avoid Tiny at all costs. This has no merit on how Tiny reacts to them. He is a JERK sometimes... and I'm scared I'm going to find one or both of my senior citizens dead. They have already become more skittish, less willing to be social, and seem to show signs of more arthritis as they have become less active in the reality of life with a young kitten. SIGH. What do I do? We've tried toys, a cat tree for climbing and playing, and separation. Mom suggests we leave the olders separated from Tiny in the house while we're away - leaving Tiny alone in half the house, and the olders in the other half. Ben is completely opposed. I have to say, I'm not convinced it wouldn't be best for the olders, however, Tiny would be alienated and alone for 2 weeks. I just can't find the good in that...

So, here's me... fretting. Now, this being the biggest fret I have, it is by no means the only fret I have during this time... the luggage, the house, the cost, the travel, having enough money, clothes, toiletries, and tolerance of "strangers" are all part of my struggle. I want to have a great time. This is an opportunity that not everyone has in their lifetime. I know many people who have never been where we are going, or have been. I want to be appreciative and excited. Some friends commented on how UNEXCITED I act when discussing the trip. It's not out of the ordinary for me to lack enthusiasm in any circumstance, but that's me. People who know me understand, and yet their reactions to me indicate that my mental reality is very foreign to them, and how THEY would react to my situation... I feel as though I'm alone in my anxiety and I place a burden on my loved ones from the anxiety I endure. I barely deal with others' reactions to me... it's more than my level of social etiquette can endure. That is primarily why I use humor as a tool to conceal these mental flaws.

Why do I write this all down and share my heart of hearts online? I have no idea why writing is a release for me. I have said in past blogs that I think I use this blog as a way to release without being under the scrutiny of people in the present. I know people will read this, and perhaps judge... but that allows people to also know me more, and empathize with me, or at least empathize with others with similar shortcomings.

Anyway... I could use your prayers. I told a friend recently that, once I begin the final preparations of travel, I often if not always endure severe back spasms as I begin packing and preparing the house for our absence. I can imagine this trip will have the same effect on me... and I'm not looking forward to that. There's no way of controlling it... I've tried. Medication doesn't help, although it does take an edge off. I would love to be able to overcome this and enjoy every moment of this trip... but my mental shortcomings overtake my reality and I suffer.

One thing I was looking most forward to, which was a long shot to be certain, was the idea of possibly having audience with the Pope in Rome. Ben's great aunt is a vatican nun who has worked in the Sudan for the last decade or more. She is going to be in Rome to meet Ben and me for the first time, and I'm thrilled to meet her. She thought she may have the clout to allow us an audience with the Pope, although I'm seeing less and less the possibility as our plans move forward. Being in the Vatican will be a thrill in itself, but that would have been something that I would really have cherished. Again, my sights are skewed... I know that visiting the Vatican isn't something everyone gets to do, and I should be grateful for the opportunity. I guess I was just pushing my hopes too high. Seeing Rome, Aunt Silvana, and all that goes with those things will be blessing enough.

UGH. It's a constant eb and flow of emotional instability. I can say I'm trying... although I'm failing. Please pray for me as this month of May pans out... I do need your prayers!

What People Deserve...

I've been in the presence and in the employ of a pedophile in my life. I've never really expressed myself on the subject, and I don't know why. It was my first real job after college, and it was in my home town. There was a hushed understanding between employees of the happenings of this man, but as I was exposed to it, that was just what it was  - rumors. My experience was minimal, and the reality of being new in a new world, a new career, was more important somehow than the rumors that surrounded the position.

As I was an employee of this man, I realized his quick temper, his explosive anger, and his dealings with small boys during my time at the organization. I harken back on one particular day when I saw a young boy, maybe 10 or less, who came to the establishment with said pedophile. He was withdrawn, unassuming, and scared looking to me. He followed the pedophile down to the basement, and I knew something was very wrong. Did I do anything? No... but as I sit here, I realize that what I didn't do or say has a weight that has stayed with me for years and years.

I have had a very sheltered life. I've only dealt with very minor issues when realizing the gravity of the world around me. That time of my life, I put aside in my mind the reality of what was going on, and what was -  as a reality that has come to light - a very black and evil segment of society that has so often gone by the wayside.

My position in this instance is one of ignorance, for the most part... aside from rumor and for the one incident of the young boy who came to the office looking so afraid. I have never forgiven myself for not coming forward with what I thought was an issue... but it turns out, they already knew, and were investigating this pedophile for the things he had been doing for many years. I had contact - very real and personal contact - with some of the victims of this pedophile. I didn't know until after the police raided the employment establishment who those men were. Some still to this day say they were never inappropriately touched or approached. I have to believe that this is true. Others were logged in the investigation as being victims, and my heart aches for them.

As I sit here and watch another abuse case on television, my mind goes back to that moment when I looked at that little boy in our office, and his face was full of anxiety and fear. That will forever stay with me... even though I reached out to the pedophile after his apprehension... He was suicidal, and in need of Jesus. I had that to offer him, and I did. He didn't commit suicide, and I believe it was partially because of my letter. He went through trial, and was convicted, sentenced, and jailed for several years. During that time I believe he accepted Jesus as savior, and was washed from the sins of his past. I know some people won't align with that reality, but in my heart of hearts, I know that the Lord is in control, and His judgement is final.

Just a note to say that, if you see something, say something. Don't let children like the little boy who I have no name and no knowledge of aside from that brief moment when my eyes met his... don't let that stop you from standing up and saying something on behalf of those who are too small, too young, or have no voice at all to say something against what is happening to them. It means all the difference in the world to that one individual...

The Lenten Season...

This time of year hasn't always been a big deal for me. Yes, I'm a Christian, but our church(es) never stressed the whole "lent" event. For those of you who may not know what Lent is, it's the 40 days before Easter Sunday, traditionally when people "prepare" themselves by giving up some part of their lives in order to "suffer as Christ did" when He was in the desert for 40 days without food or water, being tormented by satan. In my adult life, I've been one to make light of Lent, and even poke fun at people who practice it. After all, if you're trying to "suffer as Christ did," how is not eating chocolate or not eating meat ONE DAY OF THE WEEK make that happen in your mind? That's ridiculous to me, and on some levels, insulting. Christ suffered far beyond what we could ever imagine, let alone scoffing at His sacrifice by trying to be like Him in your giving up of your daily snickers bar. PFFFT.

Today, however... I have been enlightened after all the years I've put my hand up at people when they ask me if I'm giving up something for Lent. I heard another blogger's words on the radio, and I was convicted. This person allowed a perspective of filling a void with Christ... Taking something out of our "worldly routines" and replacing it in some way with the Lord. Some people give up social media - and they could instead fill that time with reading the Bible, or prayer. Some give up foods/beverages/bad habits, and could instead fill that time with paying for a meal for someone else, buying the car behind you coffee in the Tim Horton's drive thru, or volunteering. This blogger talked about how, by giving up something in your life that matters to you, that shows others your dedication to following Christ. By reducing yourself as a humble follower of Christ's leading, you are providing a way for other people to not only see your faith, but understand you and perhaps learn something about Christ along the way.

It's no easy task to take an old tradition and inspire people who have seen it from afar, and pass it off as just one silly thing those religious fanatics do. I can see where some of the people in my life would have this exact reaction. That makes it tough for someone like me who isn't one to break out the soap box and profess anything to much of anyone. Being creative about Lent could enlighten the old dogs (like me)... so I'm going to have to think about it. I imagine most of what I could do would be laughed off, shrugged away, or cause someone to just look at me like I'm nuts. I need to get my thinking shoes on and come up with something that will be just odd enough... just unique enough to get attention from the nay-sayers, and bring Christ into the conversation.

What will you give up for Lent this year? Will it only be for your own suffering, or will it inspire good things in others? I'm hoping to find that out...

The Beatitudes...

My friend was asking me about these today, and I thought I would write a little...

He (Jesus) said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

My friend was talking to me about an off-putting writer who was discussing these traits, and felt as though the woman was making the scripture more about her own opinions rather than the words of God.

Writing about other writings is tricky. You can easily be swept up in your own thoughts and opinions, rather than trying to see the original purpose and meaning behind them. This is a stumbling point, I'm sure, for many pastors who have the job of reading scripture, and not having the original author at your fingertips to ask questions. All we have are our opinions, and those of scholars and people in the ministry who have based their lives around understanding the scripture and making them tangible for others. It's a tough balance, and I wouldn't be very good with it simply because of my opinionated personality. 

What I know about the Beatitudes is that they were Jesus' words for the multitudes, trying to give them a platform on which to base their lives. He wanted people to realize that humility and grace is a choice you make on a moment by moment basis in life. It's difficult to walk in humility, meekness, peace, etc. when there are people around you who persecute. When life hands you a shit sandwich... when you'd rather slap someone across the face than be merciful. Focusing on Christ and what He taught is the only way to truly stand in these things, and find peace there.

I can say without hesitation that for me, these things have been beyond me in many ways, and it takes daily renewing of my faith and in my perspective on life and on others - by seeing people through Christ's eyes... I don't have the strength to do it all the time, but when I do, I realize the mercy and grace of Christ, and His love for all people. He blesses those who follow His guidelines for life. These are set apart from the 10 commandments. The 10 are black and white, right and wrong. These are in that big gray area in the middle... They can be applied in a lot more ways than the 10. They're in the thoughts we have... the words we say... the actions we take. These have depth. They go beyond our primary functions, and make us think about everything we do and say. 

In any case, they are words to live by. Daily - hourly - moment by moment. No one can master them all, but it's a choice in life to apply them to your walk on this earth... If you do, your rewards are clearly marked, and they are promises from God to each of us who do so.

When I don't Want to...

There are days, like this one, where I wake up feeling so miserable, that I can't even talk to God. I don't know how other people deal with this feeling, but it takes me a while to climb out of it. It's all inward... nothing outside of myself is causing the misery. I just sit and think about how awful I am, how I don't measure up. How I look terrible... my face is a mess, I'm too fat for my clothes, and I'm too lazy to do anything about any of it. I can't possibly go to church looking like this... I'm embarrassed. I don't have any power over my own choices and my own failures. It's a really discouraging thing to just sit in the midst of your own mind and talk to yourself in anger and disgust. "You're not worth anything. You're worthless. You have nothing that anyone wants. You're ugly - look at what you've done to yourself. You can't be who you want to be, so just don't try."

God's always with me. I know that. He loves me even with these flaws I focus all my energy on. But that's just not enough some days. Some days I need to find it within myself to believe it. To believe that I'm worthy. To know that I have the power to overcome. Today I can't find that. I know it's early, but I've also been through enough of these days to know that the day will pass with me sulking in my bath robe, blanking out on the chores that need doing, or thinking about how I don't want to go to work tomorrow...

I don't have a Christ based ending to this one. I usually do, but today I can't even muster that. I have a friend who posts daily on the wonderful life Christ provides... the things that he sees as stumbling blocks that we can overcome with Christ. Yes, all good. But tell me how angry you got and how long it took you to forgive... or how bitter you are and how God got you past it. Give me a real reason to believe. God never promised ease in life... He promised difficulty. I'm seeing that today. Even though it's all within my own head and heart, it's real, and it's hard. Life sucks sometimes... the uncertainty... the lack of ability to do something necessary without wondering how that's going to be done or paid for... The world is not our friend. We're all out for #1 a lot of the time. It's called survival. Talk to me about that... about the struggle. I'm tired of fighting... and I know I'm not alone.

The sun is shining. I guess I can enjoy that. And yet...