Being obedient is really difficult. Especially when you're stepping out into the unknown. I have been experiencing this lately, and have continued to feel fretful and uncertain, despite asking for peace, and knowing that the Lord has everything in control.
I was recently offered a position that I've been offered 4 times prior to this one. It has come over the course of 5 years, and every time I am approached, there are stipulations that I must adhere to that aren't to my liking, so I've continued to turn the opportunity down. This time, those stipulations were waived. I had no other reason to say no to the job... and after prayer and consideration, have accepted (tentatively) the position. Meanwhile I'm walking away from a friend who hired me at a point when I had no alternatives. I feel guilty walking away, but know that my faith calls for me to be obedient in the things God reveals. He revealed to me the reality that I had no reason to say no, and after 4 previous attempts to make me move, cleared a path for me to do so.
I have many reservations. My personality may not fit nicely in this role. I believe it won't, but I'm a pessimist. I bypass those thoughts with the 'it's a 3 month trial period' and 'God will make a way'. My short temper makes me think that I'm going to be canned within a week. I'm not a good phone person, and I have a very hard time hiding my feelings, or masking my voice to sound cheery and chipper. I don't feel that doing those things makes a difference when it's obvious you're doing your best to not berate someone over the phone if you're having a bad day... But, once again, 'God will make a way.' The 3 month trial period, unbeknownst to me, is the period in which they feel I will miraculously come to my senses and be willing to adhere to the stipulations that all staff members do at this establishment. Well, after an eye opening 'workshop' on Sunday evening, I'm even more convinced than ever before that I will most certainly not be adhering to those stipulations.
So. Tomorrow is D-day. I go in front of a hiring panel and will be interviewed. I have so much in my head on how things will go, what I will say, and what I will want to say... it gets me angry inside. BUT: within all of that, is the Lord allowing my buttons to be pressed in order to get me to grow in some way? Is this a test of my patience, respect, and the like so that I will, on the other side, be more of who He wants me to be? Is this for a future purpose? I don't know. I like to shut my mind's eye and say "NO" a lot. I don't want to be changed, because I hate it... but somehow this must be a movement in my life that I need to humble myself and say 'Your will, not mine.'
It's harder than I thought.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
But Why...
There are many times when I find myself thinking about my life and my sins... I pray every day asking the Lord to forgive my sins, but then there are times when I think 'well, what have I done that's sinful today?' I'll rehash words or moments where I could have stayed silent or where I could have done something different, and say 'yeah, well... maybe that.' Still other times I evaluate my life on a moment by moment basis, looking at what I am to others, where my head is on certain topics or situations, and scrutinize myself and my actions. It's something I guess I don't feel is a bad thing. I think we should all be aware of what we do, and what we are to other people. Keeping yourself in check, I guess.
I see my thoughts as being a large part of my sinful nature. I can think of the most gruesome things sometimes and wonder where the hell that came from... It ends up that I can't force my mind to shut off or shut out the bad things. They're there. They come up. It's just the nature of the human mind I suppose.
One thing I know that the Lord doesn't like in me is my lack of trust. I don't trust Him in a number of ways, and I realize that's a lack of faith. There haven't been many categories of life that I don't trust Him in, but there are two in particular that take up a lot of space in my mind. Why did my father have to die? What about him or his life was so bad, or so unworthy of life, that made You take him away? That has haunted me for decades now. I have yet to figure out any of the 'why' in it, and I'm betting I never will. There's no earthly reason for his death. He was a good man, as good a man as most I've ever known. He didn't cause harm to anyone or anything for that matter. He didn't need to die. He just did. My mind screams BUT WHY? BUT WHY!? BUT WHY?!?! so often. I get no response. Probably because I'm not on 'receive' in those moments. There's no answer that would be good enough for me anyway.
The other category is animals and their abuse, neglect, and the lack of regard for life that I see all over the world. I am of the school that knows the Lord made them for a reason, not simply for food or 'sport', but for the beauty He wanted us to share. The amazing multitudes of different creatures made for each and every corner of the earth. The red cardinals, the majestic tigers, the quiet and peaceful whales. Their beauty stuns me daily. I think on these marvelous creatures, and see the horror that man has caused on this earth. The continuation of abuse that only a few really know and really ache over. I shield myself from the disgusting practices of the world, but then, I know more than most people because I care to know. I won't watch videos of animal abuse anymore. One was enough, and it was 20 years ago and I haven't eaten meat, fowl or fish since. I can't. You may change your habits if you sat in front of those images... you just might. But within all of that I continue to ask God WHY as urgently as I do about the loss of my father. Again, the response is silence. I can't imagine an answer to this would be any more helpful than the one for my father... but I still beg that question.
Why am I here? Why do I have to do this? Why are these things so difficult? Why am I stuck in this place of life and can't move anywhere? Why do you force me to see these things? Why can't I get past this? Why do these things have to happen?
One thing I do know within my questioning, is that I've always asked the Lord for wisdom. I wanted the wisdom of Solomon, and I've asked for it for as long as I can remember. I think that question may be why I see things more seriously and more finitely than others do. I asked for it. I want to know why... I want to understand. I need more than just to float idly by day after day, seeking out nothing, and gaining even less. I can't stand here and just 'be'. I need to change things. I need to educate people. I need to be the difference. I want people to remember me in that I made them think about things in a new way. I want more. If I had all the resources on earth, would I be able to get more of what I want accomplished? Perhaps, but being without that doesn't stop the need.
My sins are many, and my forgiveness rests in the Lord. I have a lot of growing to do, and a lot of things to change within myself. It's a daunting task. Think occasionally upon the things you shield your eyes from seeing. It gives you a healthy dose of perspective, and possibly a little wisdom as well.
I see my thoughts as being a large part of my sinful nature. I can think of the most gruesome things sometimes and wonder where the hell that came from... It ends up that I can't force my mind to shut off or shut out the bad things. They're there. They come up. It's just the nature of the human mind I suppose.
One thing I know that the Lord doesn't like in me is my lack of trust. I don't trust Him in a number of ways, and I realize that's a lack of faith. There haven't been many categories of life that I don't trust Him in, but there are two in particular that take up a lot of space in my mind. Why did my father have to die? What about him or his life was so bad, or so unworthy of life, that made You take him away? That has haunted me for decades now. I have yet to figure out any of the 'why' in it, and I'm betting I never will. There's no earthly reason for his death. He was a good man, as good a man as most I've ever known. He didn't cause harm to anyone or anything for that matter. He didn't need to die. He just did. My mind screams BUT WHY? BUT WHY!? BUT WHY?!?! so often. I get no response. Probably because I'm not on 'receive' in those moments. There's no answer that would be good enough for me anyway.
The other category is animals and their abuse, neglect, and the lack of regard for life that I see all over the world. I am of the school that knows the Lord made them for a reason, not simply for food or 'sport', but for the beauty He wanted us to share. The amazing multitudes of different creatures made for each and every corner of the earth. The red cardinals, the majestic tigers, the quiet and peaceful whales. Their beauty stuns me daily. I think on these marvelous creatures, and see the horror that man has caused on this earth. The continuation of abuse that only a few really know and really ache over. I shield myself from the disgusting practices of the world, but then, I know more than most people because I care to know. I won't watch videos of animal abuse anymore. One was enough, and it was 20 years ago and I haven't eaten meat, fowl or fish since. I can't. You may change your habits if you sat in front of those images... you just might. But within all of that I continue to ask God WHY as urgently as I do about the loss of my father. Again, the response is silence. I can't imagine an answer to this would be any more helpful than the one for my father... but I still beg that question.
Why am I here? Why do I have to do this? Why are these things so difficult? Why am I stuck in this place of life and can't move anywhere? Why do you force me to see these things? Why can't I get past this? Why do these things have to happen?
One thing I do know within my questioning, is that I've always asked the Lord for wisdom. I wanted the wisdom of Solomon, and I've asked for it for as long as I can remember. I think that question may be why I see things more seriously and more finitely than others do. I asked for it. I want to know why... I want to understand. I need more than just to float idly by day after day, seeking out nothing, and gaining even less. I can't stand here and just 'be'. I need to change things. I need to educate people. I need to be the difference. I want people to remember me in that I made them think about things in a new way. I want more. If I had all the resources on earth, would I be able to get more of what I want accomplished? Perhaps, but being without that doesn't stop the need.
My sins are many, and my forgiveness rests in the Lord. I have a lot of growing to do, and a lot of things to change within myself. It's a daunting task. Think occasionally upon the things you shield your eyes from seeing. It gives you a healthy dose of perspective, and possibly a little wisdom as well.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Motherhood...
I have a new found respect for mothers. My maternal instincts have never been "high" and as of a week ago, I was thrown full-force into motherhood of a 5 week old kitten. I had no idea what it took to take care of an infant... and now I have a new perspective. What a JOB this is! Jenni Ciardi Reed, and Lisa Edwards Tucker, I am a big fan of all you do! It has taken over my life, and has taken my emotions to an entirely new level.
I took this baby from my friend whose daughter found him in a box, alone at the roadside in Albion. I was taken by him, being so small and helpless, never mind abandoned and needy. He stole my heart right away... and has brought me to a new level of emotional and maternal awareness.
From day one he was so needy - underweight, scared, tiny... the vet check on the first day was overwhelming, and he slept quite a bit afterward. He has gone through a lot already... stomach and digestive issues that have forced him awake and in urgent need on an hourly basis overnight and though the days. He's a trouper, and has done very well for such a young life. We've gotten him out of his ailments and brought him to a new stronger level, one that he makes strides in daily. He's now a member of our bed when he's tired (or bored), and climbs quite aggressively where once his nails weren't strong enough to hoist him further than an inch off the floor. He's curious, but not completely agile yet. His gate is awkward and shows his age... he will certainly gain in dexterity and agility as the days pass. This has all happened in one week's time!
I have gone back to work and have had long days away from home in this last week. Ben has been gracious enough to take on the care of this tiny baby while I'm away, and we've both been exhausted in the efforts. I fully appreciate the role of a mother within all of this - it's truly a God given gift. You can't help fall in love with a creature - human or non - to whom you give your all every day, every hour. Those big eyes staring up at you, and his cry of excitement to see you again - it just melts your heart. I can't say as I've ever had quite this experience, although my older cats did come to me as very young, needy kittens. I must have matured over these years, allowing this experience to be even more significant than before.
I realize that not everyone has an affinity for animals like I do, and would question my comparison between a human child and a kitten. All I can say is, in my own world, I have a new appreciation for the dedication and devotion that goes into caring for the young. It's a chore, but in the end, it doesn't feel like it. Kudos to all of my maternal friends!
I took this baby from my friend whose daughter found him in a box, alone at the roadside in Albion. I was taken by him, being so small and helpless, never mind abandoned and needy. He stole my heart right away... and has brought me to a new level of emotional and maternal awareness.
From day one he was so needy - underweight, scared, tiny... the vet check on the first day was overwhelming, and he slept quite a bit afterward. He has gone through a lot already... stomach and digestive issues that have forced him awake and in urgent need on an hourly basis overnight and though the days. He's a trouper, and has done very well for such a young life. We've gotten him out of his ailments and brought him to a new stronger level, one that he makes strides in daily. He's now a member of our bed when he's tired (or bored), and climbs quite aggressively where once his nails weren't strong enough to hoist him further than an inch off the floor. He's curious, but not completely agile yet. His gate is awkward and shows his age... he will certainly gain in dexterity and agility as the days pass. This has all happened in one week's time!
I have gone back to work and have had long days away from home in this last week. Ben has been gracious enough to take on the care of this tiny baby while I'm away, and we've both been exhausted in the efforts. I fully appreciate the role of a mother within all of this - it's truly a God given gift. You can't help fall in love with a creature - human or non - to whom you give your all every day, every hour. Those big eyes staring up at you, and his cry of excitement to see you again - it just melts your heart. I can't say as I've ever had quite this experience, although my older cats did come to me as very young, needy kittens. I must have matured over these years, allowing this experience to be even more significant than before.
I realize that not everyone has an affinity for animals like I do, and would question my comparison between a human child and a kitten. All I can say is, in my own world, I have a new appreciation for the dedication and devotion that goes into caring for the young. It's a chore, but in the end, it doesn't feel like it. Kudos to all of my maternal friends!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Roulette...
I had some disappointing news today. The job that I had hoped I might be a candidate for is not going to be filled once the person leaves in the fall. I had hung quite a lot of hope on that position, and it fell apart today. I was thinking about the disappointment I've experienced over the last few years, trying to find a job in my field. Receiving so many 'no's' from so many different employers, I feel like a bad luck number on a 300-spaced roulette wheel. It's as if I occupy a space on the wheel that never gets chosen, and that never wins. I keep tossing the marble in as the wheel spins, and every time I have hopes of being the winner... all for naught. My lucky number isn't lucky after all.
I trust the Lord for my future, but there are days - like this one - where I just stop and say 'ya know what, this sucks, and whatever you have for me is taking WAY too long to be revealed.' I get the "God's timing is perfect" and "He is constant, your emotions aren't" from my mother - all falling on deaf ears as I stew in my self pity and disappointment. I breathe deep, only to heave in those breaths as if I had been sobbing... riding around in my work vehicle, trying to look and act better than I feel inside to the various places I deliver. It's exhausting to try to put a face on all day when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and die.
Maybe I'm being dramatic... it wouldn't be the first time. I can get that way after another 'no' from a potential employer. It has happened so many times that I should be used to it, or I should have enough practice to remember how to handle the rejection better... but I fail every time. I want to be more than this. I want to do more and feel accomplished. I don't want to go day in and day out, wishing I could have a more fulfilling life. I want to have it now... is that wrong? I don't care if it is... and I don't want to hear 'go back to school' either, because I have a fucking Master's degree and that, god damnit, should be plenty for me to get a job. Maybe refinancing the house was a bad idea... maybe we should have moved away. At least then there might be a better prospect for me in the job market somewhere else. I'm tired of being the bad number... the wrong one... the loser. It blows, and I'm angry at God because I have no one else but myself to be angry with, and I'm tired of being angry at myself all the time... it's His turn.
I trust the Lord for my future, but there are days - like this one - where I just stop and say 'ya know what, this sucks, and whatever you have for me is taking WAY too long to be revealed.' I get the "God's timing is perfect" and "He is constant, your emotions aren't" from my mother - all falling on deaf ears as I stew in my self pity and disappointment. I breathe deep, only to heave in those breaths as if I had been sobbing... riding around in my work vehicle, trying to look and act better than I feel inside to the various places I deliver. It's exhausting to try to put a face on all day when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and die.
Maybe I'm being dramatic... it wouldn't be the first time. I can get that way after another 'no' from a potential employer. It has happened so many times that I should be used to it, or I should have enough practice to remember how to handle the rejection better... but I fail every time. I want to be more than this. I want to do more and feel accomplished. I don't want to go day in and day out, wishing I could have a more fulfilling life. I want to have it now... is that wrong? I don't care if it is... and I don't want to hear 'go back to school' either, because I have a fucking Master's degree and that, god damnit, should be plenty for me to get a job. Maybe refinancing the house was a bad idea... maybe we should have moved away. At least then there might be a better prospect for me in the job market somewhere else. I'm tired of being the bad number... the wrong one... the loser. It blows, and I'm angry at God because I have no one else but myself to be angry with, and I'm tired of being angry at myself all the time... it's His turn.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Humility in Patience...
Tonight I was in a bit of a rush... I wanted to get to the store, pick up some essentials, and get home. Long days tax me greatly, and I felt taxed. I dread going to Tops... I say EVERY TIME I'M IN THAT STORE that I HATE IT. I hate that store. I don't know the layout, I get half way through the store only to realize that what I was searching for was at the beginning of my efforts. Great. As I finally got to where I could check out, I searched the options. Three cashiers open, one was the "7 items or less" line. I hit that line... even though there were two people ahead of me there. Won't take long, right?
I stood there. A while. My arm has permanent creases in it from the heft of my hand cart. I wasn't thrilled. I finally get my items on the belt only to realize that the woman cashing out had an ENTIRE CART FULL of stuff - in the express isle. That chapped me... what are you doing?! Okay, so then... THEN: she had a minimum of 20 coupons. One of those 'extreme couponers' I thought. Great! I noticed the girl directly in front of me had food stamps laid out on her items. Another 'great' passes through my head, and I sign heavily as I turn to the woman who had come up behind me. "It's a virtue, right? Patience?!" and she smiled at me and said "not when you have somewhere to be." Agreed. We stood in line for several more minutes until the couponer was through. Something had to be done by a manager... yadda yadda. At this point I was rubbing the creases on my arm, chewing my lip and looking around anxiously. The girl with the food stamps started through and every item had a piece of paper that needed signatures and individual implementation into the computer. Then... THEN: something had to be done by a manager. No manager. No manager. NO. MANAGER. We wait. The girl with the food stamps, with her little girl, apologized to us (now 3 shoppers behind her) sheepishly... not once, but twice, as we waited and she finished her purchases. Now here's me... the jerk. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm impatient. I reassured her... but it was limp at best.
At some point during all of this, the woman behind me whispered to me about the initial woman in line with the cart full and coupons. She said "Well, I know she runs the food kitchen in town, so..." she didn't finish. I finished. I said "that deserves our patience then, doesn't it?" and she agreed.
As I got through the line (in record time, no less), I stopped and thought about those two women in front of me in line. One freely and openly gives up her time for the less fortunate in our community who need a meal. The other is one of those very people of our community who could very well use the assistance of that free meal. Two people who, within my impatient and flustered moments, are the ones who we should all stop and make time for. Who we should lend patience to. A helping hand... a merciful hand. I cried as I drove home.
There are moments in my life where the Lord softly taps me on the shoulder and reminds me of what I have, what I am, and what I can be to others. Those are precious moments and I need to realize them as often as possible. It isn't that difficult to stop and think about things in moments like that. Stop the angry thoughts, the frustrated glances... and think. Think about what you have that they don't. Time, money, security. It only takes a moment to breathe deep and think about it. "Hey, relax... look at what you're doing."
The Lord teaches in the most humiliating ways. It wasn't humiliating for me outwardly, but inwardly I was ashamed of my thoughts and actions. The Lord was gentle with me this time. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for a lot of things... we all should be.
I stood there. A while. My arm has permanent creases in it from the heft of my hand cart. I wasn't thrilled. I finally get my items on the belt only to realize that the woman cashing out had an ENTIRE CART FULL of stuff - in the express isle. That chapped me... what are you doing?! Okay, so then... THEN: she had a minimum of 20 coupons. One of those 'extreme couponers' I thought. Great! I noticed the girl directly in front of me had food stamps laid out on her items. Another 'great' passes through my head, and I sign heavily as I turn to the woman who had come up behind me. "It's a virtue, right? Patience?!" and she smiled at me and said "not when you have somewhere to be." Agreed. We stood in line for several more minutes until the couponer was through. Something had to be done by a manager... yadda yadda. At this point I was rubbing the creases on my arm, chewing my lip and looking around anxiously. The girl with the food stamps started through and every item had a piece of paper that needed signatures and individual implementation into the computer. Then... THEN: something had to be done by a manager. No manager. No manager. NO. MANAGER. We wait. The girl with the food stamps, with her little girl, apologized to us (now 3 shoppers behind her) sheepishly... not once, but twice, as we waited and she finished her purchases. Now here's me... the jerk. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm impatient. I reassured her... but it was limp at best.
At some point during all of this, the woman behind me whispered to me about the initial woman in line with the cart full and coupons. She said "Well, I know she runs the food kitchen in town, so..." she didn't finish. I finished. I said "that deserves our patience then, doesn't it?" and she agreed.
As I got through the line (in record time, no less), I stopped and thought about those two women in front of me in line. One freely and openly gives up her time for the less fortunate in our community who need a meal. The other is one of those very people of our community who could very well use the assistance of that free meal. Two people who, within my impatient and flustered moments, are the ones who we should all stop and make time for. Who we should lend patience to. A helping hand... a merciful hand. I cried as I drove home.
There are moments in my life where the Lord softly taps me on the shoulder and reminds me of what I have, what I am, and what I can be to others. Those are precious moments and I need to realize them as often as possible. It isn't that difficult to stop and think about things in moments like that. Stop the angry thoughts, the frustrated glances... and think. Think about what you have that they don't. Time, money, security. It only takes a moment to breathe deep and think about it. "Hey, relax... look at what you're doing."
The Lord teaches in the most humiliating ways. It wasn't humiliating for me outwardly, but inwardly I was ashamed of my thoughts and actions. The Lord was gentle with me this time. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for a lot of things... we all should be.
Friday, April 26, 2013
When it just needs to be said...
I'm feeling like a rant tonight. I've had some things on my mind that I need to put down. People can be so awful, and there are many - MANY reasons for them to be so. I don't like being awful, but I can be. But what bothers me are things I don't do. I don't verbally berate people. I don't say things that make people feel like less of a human being. I don't turn my nose up at people, especially those who I have known, and who know me. I can't say that I've always been this way - as a young person I know I was a bully at times, and I know I hurt people. I've learned, as I've aged, how to be better than that. I know I'm no better than anyone else, and that each of us have reasons for being who we have become. I'm not who I want to be in every aspect of my life, but I'm a darn good distance from what I was.
Meanwhile, I'm angry and disappointed in people who choose to berate the person they love the most in life (supposedly) based on something they 'believe'... not facts, no. They simply have a 'feeling' based on what they've witnessed that person 'acting like'. That's ridiculous. You haven't had one stitch of proof as to anything you're accusing, yet you still make them feel like they're about to be booted to the curb. What? Really? You're that small minded and insecure about your relationship that you wouldn't give that person the benefit of the doubt? You'd rather accuse them of something ridiculous rather than try to communicate and get to the root of what you think you're seeing? I'm so sorry, but that's just beyond my ability to understand. I don't like what you're doing, and I don't like how you're treating people. I know I don't have any say in your world, but you're wrong.
There have also been recent things that have caused me to reflect back on my high school years, and the people who had been my "friends". I use that term VERY loosely. These people never saw me as a friend - never treated me as a friend - never acted the way real friends would where I was concerned. Meanwhile, we grew up. Or, I should say, some of us did. Most recently there was a death in the family of one of those people, and although she in particular has also grown into an adult, there are several people around her who I can't say that about. Now, I'm only reflecting on past feelings that have never been resolved, but I want to say it anyway. Once and for all. You're not better than me, you're a small minded group of ladies who have always kept the 'I'm better than you' view of others. I hate that about you. You're not better than me. You don't even know me anymore. You have caused me to not want to pay respects to someone who passed, simply because my presence there might bring back the awkward 'you're not wanted here' feelings that have always crept up when I'm around you. Well, I will be paying respect to the person and family, and I will get past my feelings of inadequacy while I'm there. Whatever you feel you need to do while I'm there is fine. I have broad shoulders... I can handle it. Meanwhile, I often think of you and hope that sooner or later you'll break free of your juvenile attitudes and become the adults you were meant to be. Being ugly toward people is just a sad reality that I don't have to be a part of. I can only control myself, but when I haven't, I've apologized. You, on the other hand, can eat it. I don't care what you think anymore.
Now I know Jesus isn't in these rantings of mine. Frankly there are moments when the garbage in life just boils over and I have to say something for my own well being. This is it. You don't have to read it, and you certainly don't have to like it. It's mine, and I own it. As for you, all of you, grow up.
Meanwhile, I'm angry and disappointed in people who choose to berate the person they love the most in life (supposedly) based on something they 'believe'... not facts, no. They simply have a 'feeling' based on what they've witnessed that person 'acting like'. That's ridiculous. You haven't had one stitch of proof as to anything you're accusing, yet you still make them feel like they're about to be booted to the curb. What? Really? You're that small minded and insecure about your relationship that you wouldn't give that person the benefit of the doubt? You'd rather accuse them of something ridiculous rather than try to communicate and get to the root of what you think you're seeing? I'm so sorry, but that's just beyond my ability to understand. I don't like what you're doing, and I don't like how you're treating people. I know I don't have any say in your world, but you're wrong.
There have also been recent things that have caused me to reflect back on my high school years, and the people who had been my "friends". I use that term VERY loosely. These people never saw me as a friend - never treated me as a friend - never acted the way real friends would where I was concerned. Meanwhile, we grew up. Or, I should say, some of us did. Most recently there was a death in the family of one of those people, and although she in particular has also grown into an adult, there are several people around her who I can't say that about. Now, I'm only reflecting on past feelings that have never been resolved, but I want to say it anyway. Once and for all. You're not better than me, you're a small minded group of ladies who have always kept the 'I'm better than you' view of others. I hate that about you. You're not better than me. You don't even know me anymore. You have caused me to not want to pay respects to someone who passed, simply because my presence there might bring back the awkward 'you're not wanted here' feelings that have always crept up when I'm around you. Well, I will be paying respect to the person and family, and I will get past my feelings of inadequacy while I'm there. Whatever you feel you need to do while I'm there is fine. I have broad shoulders... I can handle it. Meanwhile, I often think of you and hope that sooner or later you'll break free of your juvenile attitudes and become the adults you were meant to be. Being ugly toward people is just a sad reality that I don't have to be a part of. I can only control myself, but when I haven't, I've apologized. You, on the other hand, can eat it. I don't care what you think anymore.
Now I know Jesus isn't in these rantings of mine. Frankly there are moments when the garbage in life just boils over and I have to say something for my own well being. This is it. You don't have to read it, and you certainly don't have to like it. It's mine, and I own it. As for you, all of you, grow up.
Friday, April 5, 2013
True Friends...
There are plenty of people in our lives who we consider 'friends' or 'acquaintances', but those who we consider 'true friends' are far and above the most valuable, wouldn't you say? True friends are those people who we speak to from the heart... who we trust with our deepest secrets, and our most treasured hopes and dreams. We have an unparalleled love for these sacred few in our lives... and well we should.
You can have as many people in your life as possible, but those treasured few are the ones who really matter the most. There may be connections who we can network with and gain social and career goals with, but there are a few who hold our heart in their hands. Those precious few who know us for who we truly are, and love us anyway. It may be a parent, a grade school or high school classmate, college, work, church... each of them hold a special place, and a life long connection.
Occasionally remind yourself of the people who truly matter to you. Those who you can tell anything, and they won't judge. The friends who you can always turn to for guidance, a healing word, a laugh. They're the important parts of life that you just can't replace.
This is a verbal hug for someone special to me, who I've known for decades, but who only recently called me a true friend. That by far means more to me than can be expressed in words.
Spend your time dwelling on things and people who really matter. The rest is just life in its all-consuming daily droning. Refresh your mind with the love of your true friends!
You can have as many people in your life as possible, but those treasured few are the ones who really matter the most. There may be connections who we can network with and gain social and career goals with, but there are a few who hold our heart in their hands. Those precious few who know us for who we truly are, and love us anyway. It may be a parent, a grade school or high school classmate, college, work, church... each of them hold a special place, and a life long connection.
Occasionally remind yourself of the people who truly matter to you. Those who you can tell anything, and they won't judge. The friends who you can always turn to for guidance, a healing word, a laugh. They're the important parts of life that you just can't replace.
This is a verbal hug for someone special to me, who I've known for decades, but who only recently called me a true friend. That by far means more to me than can be expressed in words.
Spend your time dwelling on things and people who really matter. The rest is just life in its all-consuming daily droning. Refresh your mind with the love of your true friends!
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