Fear...

I've never prided myself on much in life. The book I put together of my dad's time in Vietnam was a pride moment... the way I've been able to become more patient over time has been another... and the fact that I have fear of very little. I've always been brave in tough situations, and have been able to think clearly when no one else around me could think at all. Once while volunteering at an animal shelter, I had two dogs out at the same time. One had run off, as they tended to do, and one was with me. The one with me was a very large, very aggressive black lab mix who had lived all of his life in a junk yard setting. He hated everything that moved. He loved being outside, so I would make sure all animals were put away before letting him out with me. Well, that day I made a big mistake. As the smaller dog returned from running off, the big black lab went for it and attacked him. My lack of fear allowed me to run to them, pull them apart, and walk the smaller dog into the shelter for help (he'd had severe cuts to his chest). I never thought twice. I never had a moment of fear... and I felt good to know that I at least saved that little dog's life.

Right now I'm afraid. This situation with my dog has become a fearful endeavor and I'm coming to a point where I need to make serious decisions and it's terrifying. Recently he's become aggressive out of the blue. I don't know what's triggering it. Obviously he had a rough life before I acquired him - having an abusive owner, being maimed with an axe, being neglected and left outside to fend for himself. He has it good here, and I've always been one to bend over backward for animals in need. I never thought there would ever be an animal that, if I applied myself and my love, I couldn't save and make into a wonderful pet.

The acts of aggression have made me think very hard on what I'm doing here. I've never been afraid of this dog, but there have been moments where he's lashed out at me for one reason or another - mainly for caring for his injury or his infection. Monday I became afraid. While we were at the vet for the fifty sixth time (not really, but we've gone at least once a week for 3 months now) the vet checked his previously infected ear and he went ballistic. He had a muzzle on, thanks to the recent aggression he'd shown while there for other appointments. It was a very good thing, because it took everything I had to hold him back from attacking her, muzzle or no. He was bent on causing harm. She told me she's changed her mind on him - that she thought he would become a good dog and had great potential, but at this point, she sees him just becoming more and more aggressive. My heart broke. It didn't occur to me that there would be a time when, after putting so much effort forward, he could turn into a bad dog. It doesn't make sense, but then... with animals it's always a crap shoot. You never know what you're going to get...

In any case... I know what fear feels like and it's not pretty. I know what fear looks like and it's even uglier. I hear from everyone around me how we need to be aware of our limitations - both monetary and human - and consider what we're able to do versus what our hearts want. It's baffling to me to find myself here, when before I was so sure of myself. I guess the level of pride I've had got ahead of the reality I live in. I'm not a dog whisperer. I know a lot, but I don't have the skills to magically change an animal. I wish I did. Good grief, you don't know how much I wish I did. But, I can't. And now I'm caught with my heart in one place and my head stuck in the reality of what's really happening. This feels really awful.

What Do You Say?

I've experienced an upswing in discussions about God lately. I've had a few that deal with Jehovah's Witness beliefs. I'm not a knowledgeable enough Christian to feel confident in 'arguing' my position, but most of my discussions weren't arguments. I try to maintain my stand while allowing an attitude of freedom between the parties in the conversation, so as to not squelch a potential for questions to be answered in faith.

It's hard to know what to say sometimes in these conversations. People are searching me for answers, or for what I believe, and I have a very hard time putting things into words. So much of what my faith is resides in my heart and my mind, and rarely gets expressed outwardly. I know that's probably not good... but it's what I am. One thing Ben always says attracted him to me was my steadfastness in my faith - my resoluteness in my beliefs. That goes without saying. I've never wavered on what I believe. It was what I was raised with. I know some may think that I never had opportunity to believe what "I" wanted to believe, but honestly I've had more than enough opportunity to seek out other versions of faith. I've looked into other 'religions' and what they believe, but I've never looked into them with any feeling of need or searching for answers. I have the answers... there's no other truth out there, at least for me. There are times when I think about the people who have a faith like the terrorist extremists. I wonder if their strength in faith is similar to what I feel. I'm sure it has been a part of their lives since birth, and that what they have in their hearts is as strong or stronger than what I have. I can't speak for them, but I understand their position in that I know how strongly I believe in my God.

Anyway, these conversations have been something that sticks with me. I pray over things and pray in the middle of it asking God to shut my mouth and allow His words to be spoken. I don't feel the confidence I would like to, but that will come with continued study and understanding of the Bible. It's a long road, and I'll never stop learning... but that's not a bad thing. As long as I anticipate God's words to be given through me, all I can do is my best.

Do any of you have times when you feel strongly about your position, but can't express it in words enough to feel good about how you've presented your position? It's a struggle for me. I want to be not only a source of God's knowledge and love, but of clear answers about what we as Christians stand for.

Just thinking out loud...

Exercises in Patience...

They say that patience is earned... from struggles, through trials, and over time. Much time. I remember never praying for patience, because I was instructed that the Lord gives you more trials to get you to be more patient. That was not something I ever wanted, so I avoided it completely. As I age, ever so swiftly, I realize that my life is filled with patience-moments... I'm not sure when my patience became strong. I've noticed often in the last year that I don't react nearly so intensely as I used to. I guess the last couple of years have brought me through enough to where I've gained ground in this arena, and have achieved more than I realized. 

I often have moments at my work where patience is brought into focus. Not so much my personal patience as my boss's. We share a friendship that has lasted since high school, and so our relationship is one not only of officer and peon, but of listener, advisor, and joker. She says she needs patience... don't we all? But I usually tag her with "patience is earned..." and so it goes. She inspires me with her diligence, faithfulness, and ability to maintain relationships with people of widely varied personalities and circumstances. Her patience is tested daily at work... and it's hard for her to get beyond some things day in and day out. I feel as though my presence isn't only for the one person who was so obviously in need, but perhaps for her blessing as well. Lately she's gone to church with friends who have a strong faith base. I applaud her for her attendance. She's quiet about it, but I have to believe she's blessed when she goes. 

In any case, things hit us daily that require our action or reaction. It isn't always something we think about before doing - but as patience builds, we tend to think first and act second. As I mentioned today on Facebook, I was hit with a nasty moment this morning. We were preparing to rake the yard, and our new family member (dog) was on his lead line outside with us. I began, and our 'good rake' snapped right off after maybe 10 strokes. DAMNIT. Then, as I went into the yard, the dog's lead wrapped around my ankles and as I tried to 'hop' out of the tangle, I completely took a digger into a pile of poop. My whole arm was coated... and I was not too happy. Fortunately I didn't take anything out on anyone, but simply lifted my arm to show Ben, and got myself up and out of the mess. I laughed at my circumstance, and calmly walked into the house to wash up. Not the reaction everyone would have, but I can say I'm a better person for the peacefulness I've gained in my inner being. The faster you let things go, the faster you can move back into a position of joy. 

Patience is the hardest virtue to obtain, in my opinion. It's always strengthened in trials... there are no sunny days that bring it to fulfillment. It's the tough places where patience is learned. A calm sea never made a good sailor... (learned that one in my devotional). 

Try to see your struggles as more than that. Harken back on things you've gotten through, and look at who you are now as a result. I'm betting you'll find that you have a stronger back, and possibly a more joyful and loving heart. 

What it takes to love...

The recent weeks have taught me a lot about what it takes to love. I've had a lot of circumstances that required more of me than usual. Often I look at these types of things with a heavy sigh, but today I can say that those moments of hesitation have been worth the effort.

Not being a parent, I've known that my life has been much easier than most. What I've found is a new appreciation for the things that require all of you, and all of your attention and time. Caring for a dog is so much more than caring for cats! The time invested has been a reality that I'm not sure I was ready for... Alas, here we are in the midst of it. Getting up at 7 a.m. On Saturday is tough when you're used to sleeping until at least 9 .... But, the end result I want is way bigger than me. I want to make a difference, and I know what I'm doing will allow that.

Beside me is a man of high priority and sensitive heart. He loves my passionate heart, and has become a part of my passion. I believe each of us can make a difference in the lives of others, but it does take dedication. I say that as my beloved counterpart snores next to me, anticipating his team playing during the Sunday night game... He may never see the game!

I want to be a voice. I want to be heard, but if my voice is only heard by the animals my life impact, I will still feel successful. Be the voice... It's worth it.

Thoughts for Today...

This week has been one of successes and failures. I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs. I'll try to put it all into words, because I feel like I need to get it out.

What I do for a living right now is manual labor... and it wears on me emotionally and physically. I'm doing inventory right now, and by 4 p.m. each day, I'm spent. I can't think straight, nor do I trust myself to make accurate counts or revisions. I've joked about it to my colleagues, but it's a reality. What I've gained this week has been an increase in provision, as well as an increase in understanding of my work, and the potential to be more within it. I'm grateful to be a blessing to them, and to have the favor of the owners. To have a trust that not many have, even with one person, is valid, and important. To be able to feel valued and trusted is something I don't think I've felt in my previous jobs. I can say that it feels good, and that I'm blessed in what I'm doing.

Sometimes I don't trust myself with my emotions. I end up overwhelmed a lot, thinking and over thinking about things in my life that sometimes deserve my attention, and sometimes should just be passed off as trivial. This week, today for the most part, has been emotionally charged. Today marks 22 years since my dad passed away. He died on a friday, and it struck me harder than usual this year. I miss him, but rarely dwell on it like I do on October 5. Today I was in tears as work started, and my friend Phil at work knew I was struggling. He is the person I knew I was supposed to impact when I started this job. The Lord gave me that sense immediately when I stepped into the building to fill out the application. Since then, I've gained Phil's trust, and believe that I've impacted him in a positive way for God's glory.

This week I decided to help Phil with a dog he's been 'given'. He's had this dog for 2 weeks, and the dog came from an abusive home - one in which the owner was jailed for killing his last dog. He knew he could not have the dog, and risked a return trip to jail, so he gave the dog to Phil, who had a big enough heart to accept the dog into his home. It's been a challenge, to say the least, because the dog came to him with a significant injury that should be operated on. The dog is a sweet spirited German Shepherd, and Phil and I both agree he deserves a chance at life. So, I've placed a posting on GoFundMe.com, which has seen a few donations thus far (go see it if you can - I've posted it on my FB page). Today I received enough funding to get the dog a second opinion at another vet, and hopefully we will have a success story to share soon. Meanwhile, Phil has trusted me with not only this dog and the support I was willing to give, but with a very significant issue he's been struggling with. I was able to support him verbally, and listen to him as he shared. He's making strides in this world, and he's making strides in his faith, and I'm thrilled with that...

All that to say that I'm dealing with my emotional well being, and dealing with my passion for animals and with what the Lord has placed on my heart, and life. I have to trust Him, because it's within me to do so. Some of the pastors who I listen to don't believe that we will see animals in heaven. I tend to disagree, but solely out of my passion for them, and my need to feel as though God cares for them as much as I do. He's placed this within me, so if He doesn't see them as worthy, why would he have done that? I'm conflicted.

Writing this out has allowed me the time and peace to bring these things forward... to show them to you all... and to iron out the wrinkles of my conflicted soul. I am here to glorify God. I'm here to make a difference in the lives of people AND animals. I have done these things, and will continue to do so until my dying day. It's all I have, and I want to use all I have to be a success in this life. I'm called for more, and I want to be more. I'm called to serve, and I want to stand tall at the end of it all, and hear the Lord say "well done, my good and faithful servant!" That is my goal. What's yours?

What Creeps Me Out...

Okay, I'm writing today because I can, and I want to. Bottom line, I like to express myself in word. I'm better at writing than speaking. I've had classes in public speaking, and honestly, it was lost on me. I have friends who feel the same way, but have gone so far as to take classes to further their public speaking savvy. I'm not that gal... I gain a lot from my husband Ben who has become a very skilled professional in the ways of both public speaking and teaching. He could be a wonderful teacher if he wanted to. But, as this is my blog, I'm speaking for myself, and thus choose this medium instead of being out in front of a group who is staring at me, wondering what on earth I just said.

Today I had a situation that made me feel less than comfortable. I don't know if you've ever experienced something that made you feel extremely uneasy, but I did today, and I wanted to share. It wasn't out of the ordinary for me to travel into areas of the county/area that are less than perfect. One might describe them as low brow, back woods, ungodly, or perhaps freakishly out of the ordinary. It wasn't something I expected, because often I travel into these areas that are known as "the sticks." Once I passed the specific address, I turned around, and rolled into the driveway. Some of the people I know would have been severely put out by even venturing into this place, but like I said, it wasn't out of the ordinary for where I travel for work.

The feeling of despair came over me. The visual took me aback. House in disrepair; children in the driveway who seemed unkept, dirty, and poor; trash everywhere. There were stacks of old tires, broken and unused items piling up near the trees/house/garage... and a feeling of overwhelming evil. I was shocked frankly, because I've never experienced this feeling on my routes thus far. It was something new, and I didn't like it at all.

As I stepped out of the car, I noticed an adult who seemed uncomfortable with the sight of a 'stranger.' I tend to walk boldly, and have known that by doing this, you ward off the idea that you're weak and easily overcome. The transaction was not out of the ordinary - familiar enough for me to feel somewhat comfortable standing and waiting for the man to finish writing out a check for me. I walked away feeling as though I shouldn't have my back to this person, as the children suddenly disappeared and I was there alone with this man. I came away with a completely overwhelming feeling of evil. I'm not used to that, and it frightened me.

I know that I represent a Light in these situations, and cling ever so tightly to that reality in times such as this. I hope that my light was evident, but it will always be unknown if it truly was. One thing is for certain - I don't plan on going there ever again. I'm not strong enough to handle whatever was there. I fear for the well being of the children, and the man I interacted with. I have no idea what it was that brought these feelings about, but I know it wasn't good.

I trust in God to preserve my going out and my coming in... it says I can trust Him with that in the Bible. Thank GOD. I'm not one to linger on bad things like this, but I haven't been able to shake the feeling I got while I was there, but I don't intend to keep it with me as I go forward tomorrow during my full day of work, or from here on. I just needed to express it and to warn my readers. Not everywhere you go is safe and comfortable. Not everyone you come into contact with is good and trustworthy. Just be aware of your circumstances and know that the Lord guides you through even the most ugly of situations...

Obedience...

Does God ever talk to you in a way that you KNOW it's Him? Is there ever a time when you just know that you've heard from the Lord? I do... and it's really amazing. Once, years ago, I was heading to church with my mother. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular that I recall. Two numbers dropped into my mind. 7 and 6. I thought 'that's odd...' and then said a small prayer "Jesus, show me what that means, and let it be clear." Within a week I received a check in the mail from some savings my uncle had left to me. The total of the check was $767.76. I knew when I saw that number, that He was speaking to me in my giving, and I handed that check over to the church with a note about what had transpired. It was magic to me. My spiritual gift is giving, and it does me so much good to be able to give to a cause or to someone in need. It makes me feel alive.

This week I had the Lord speak to me again. I was driving to a volunteer event that I take part in. I wasn't thinking about much of anything - once again. And once again, someone dropped into the forefront of my mind. Immediately after that person came to mind, a sum of money came to mind as well. That money hadn't been earmarked for anything specific, but I had been holding onto it to perhaps purchase a used exercise bike, or some new shoes (SHOOOOEEESSSS!!!) I knew right away, however, that the Lord wanted to use me and that money to bless that someone who came to mind. The lessons I learn in these instances are the lessons of obedience. I know that obedience is my biggest outward profession of faith. If I obey, I'm blessed. That's just how God works it. So, feeling slightly excited at the idea of being a blessing, I wrote a note to the person, not being sure of how they'd receive what I had to say... but believing the Lord was in control of the situation... I obeyed. I handed the note in an envelope to the person yesterday. I said 'don't open it now.' When prompted further, I said, 'you can't tell anyone about it... until my funeral.' and we laughed. Today I saw that person at a local eatery. Never had I thought that I'd see them there, but I happened to be there having lunch with my mother. They said "I owe you a hug." and we embraced. And further said "Thank you, Christy. I really appreciate it." I didn't have words, and my mother was waiting for me, so we left it at that. I know I'll have a chance to discuss what the Lord did once I see them again, but the moment didn't require words. They know my faith, and now they know my heart, and my commitment to being obedient to the Lord. I know that it will manifest what it needs to for that person, and it gives me a deep sense of joy to be a part of that.

When I started the job I have now, the first day on the job I knew I was there to bless this person. I knew he was there and I was there at the same time for God's purposes, and I had to wait until this week to have it manifest itself into a tangible blessing. I shared what had taken place with my mother once I sat down after the brief exchange. She was blessed as well. To know her children have grown to be listeners and obeyers of the Lord brings her great joy.  On a side note, this person has just recently found out that he will be a father for the fourth time, that his wife lost her job to layoffs, and just this week his only vehicle was repossessed out of the parking lot at work, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. He's often very angry, and has trouble coping with difficulties, so those things were present in the depths of my mind when the Lord called on me to give.

I was thinking about a verse in the bible that indicates that, if we have even the smallest bit of faith, we can move mountains. I was always troubled by that verse, because I took it literally. I thought, 'sure, if my faith was that of Moses or David in the bible, I probably COULD move a mountain... but it isn't, and I haven't.' But, the epiphany I had this week was that the mountains I can move aren't made of stone, but of flesh. I can move a heart toward God by being obedient in what He calls me to do. I moved a 'stoney heart' toward knowing Him more deeply, and seeing Him work through me. It's really a brilliant thing to be a part of. Hopefully I will get to see more as I go forward in faith.

It isn't always easy to be obedient. It takes a lot of strength to step out of what you know to be true in the world, and put your money down on the 'possible.' I encourage you to try it... to believe in God's promises, and open your heart to what He would have of you. You won't find a greater joy...